Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

Act now! Arrange to stay with family or friends, if necessary whilst you make a long term plans.
Forgive me but you sound young, OP but the sooner you take steps to change your situation, the sooner you can look back on it as a lucky escape and get on with your life.
It doesn't matter how beautiful the house is, or how much your DD likes her nursery or whether you feel you'll "lose face", neither of you deserve this life and it won't ever improve. And for God's sake, DON'T GET PREGNANT because it will not fix this situation and you will be tied to this arsehole forever.
Make some calls tonight, youve nothing to lose and everything to gain. Perhaps start with your Mum/Sister if you're close? Good luck!

He’s said he isn’t happy, probably best for everyone if you move out, sooner rather than later.

@haveimadeamistake this is a disaster waiting to happen. Please get your daughter out of there.

Kids don't care about nice houses aslong as they have a roof over their heads and somewhere to play, what they do care about is people in their lives giving them attention, being happy, caring and consistent. You need to put your daughter first and get her out this situation she doesn't deserve to be around someone who only tolerates her and sees her as an annoyance.

It's like an abused dog who keeps trying to get their abuser to like them. Too trusting.

I understand this is a difficult situation and you feel a bit trapped by this house purchase but I don't think this is salvageable @haveimadeamistake

Even if he does eventually sort his shit out it's unlikely this will be in the timescale your daughter needs. She has a right to live in a home where she is loved, welcome and celebrated.
Any less than that is unfair on her.

This, please leave before it gets worst, you poor dd needs you to put her first xx

Ditto. I wasn’t physically abused but the constant emotional abuse and neglect leaves its own kind of scar.

This is a very unhealthy situation for your DD and if you don’t do anything you could be compromising her MH and future.

Not RTFT but this:

“JawsCushion · Today 17:45

You want him to treat her like he loves her, likes her, even though you don't want him to parent her. Yet it's impossible to do this unless he does treat her like his child. She's three. She won't understand hot and cold. He has to be all in or nothing.”

He’s an adult living with you both. She’s 3. It will be a deeply unnatural set-up if he can’t parent her. Any adult living with a child in that set-up is in loco parentis and things will get very muddled if you try to prevent it and/or he doesn’t want it.

Seriously get out before it gets worse, do not leave her with him.

Can the pps saying “didn’t you rent first” fuck off? Op still would’ve lost her rental. At least she’ll have some equity now.

OP we’ve all made mistakes when it comes to dickhead men. The most important thing to do now is get out of there. A pp posted about sunk cost fallacy - don’t stay just because you’ve invested time / money already. Your daughter gets one childhood - don’t fuck it up. Get out.

How long had you been together prior to moving in? Several people have asked, but you don’t seem to have answered?

Hi! I just made a post last weekend of a situation very similar to yours, not sure if you can search my username and see the replies? The ladies were so kind but the biggest takeaway from it was that I recognised it was a mistake very quickly and rectified it.

Me and my just turned 4 yo moved in with her dad a while ago. He was largely absent most of her life and he had become involved and we got back together. Picture perfect family, so excited about moving in together but the minute we moved in he was like a different person. Similar to what you’re describing, just completely off with me but completely denying that he regretted us moving in. He ended up asking us to leave last weekend.

I was so embarrassed, I still haven’t got the courage up to tell work (they let me go to remote working when I moved). But 1 week of it being back to just the 2 of us and I know it’s the right decision. I’m heartbroken still and I miss him but already I can see my daughter being more like her wee self again.

Im so so sorry this has happened to you and I know it’s totally crap having to deal with the logistics of moving out again but please don’t let that make you stay with someone that doesn’t deserve you or your daughter. You will look back in a year and be so proud of yourself for being brave enough to do what’s best for your little girl. Show her how to acknowledge you’ve made a mistake and how to handle it with grace. Xx

Cut your losses. He was clearly putting on a show before you moved in together. Now you're seeing his true colours.

He says he's not happy either. Just cut your losses, sell the house and move on.

@ginasevern Men aren't particularly fond of kids at the best of times especially when they're someone else's.

Horseshit. Sorry if the men in your life don't like kids, but my husband, brothers, father, in-laws and grandfather prove this is a stupid generalisation.

@ThatTealViewer why should she answer? It'll only be a stick to beat her with. If she hasn't answered she doesn't want to so take the hint.

@Alone2025 I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds really tough. :( At this point, I feel like it will be a relief being back to the 2 of us. It’s the logistics and the embarrassment that I’m struggling with, but I know it’s short term compared with a long term impact on my wee one if we stay.

Uh no, he could have moved in with her in her rental. Then when it didn't work he could have left. Bad decisions. And she hardly has equity when they have owned the house for 5 minutes, they will lose money if anything.

Op, it sounds to me that your daughter is trying to get your partner's attention and being sweet with him after being treated so nicely by him previously, and he's now inexplicably indifferent. This could be enormously damaging for your daughter and for her future relationships. This could be what she looks for in a partner - someone hot and cold, that makes her feel as though she's not even there.

The trouble with waiting to see if it'll get better is that it just... won't. Someone that can be hot and cold with a small child is either emotionally immature or has quite a cruel streak. It's as though he's giving her the silent treatment for existing. This is your KID. You know what you have to do. You deserve better and your daughter does too.

I know it will suck initially. I left a marriage like this. I hoped it would get better... It never did. I left with nothing, not even a tea towel. It was dark and scary at first, but it got so much better. You can do this.

Well, turns out I made the right decision, we are now living in total harmony and everyone is very happy. My daughter is waiting for him to come home every day and finally has a dad, her biological father never showed up for her. It’s actually healthy to try and work on relationships, not throw the towel the minute things get messy. There’d be a lot less loneliness etc if more people were prepared to work more on their relationships these days in my view.
Raising someone else’s child is a huge ask, and patchwork family life is very complicated. I‘d be suspicious if such an arrangement did not lead to conflict, particularly early on, better to come to blows than live in a superficial arrangement.

Does he just ignore her?

What would happen if she approached him? Is he dismissive or nasty?

@winter8090 he ignores her, or sometimes make a snarky comment. On bad days I mean. On good days, he does engage with her.

This is such terrible advice I don’t know where to start 😱

He called your child names and now you are living in harmony? I’m sorry but I doubt very much that is true. There’s ’working on relationships’ and no one expects step parenting to be easy but calling a child names? Cop the fuck on.

If you can’t see that allowing that is dreadful parenting then I don’t know what to tell you.

Agreed. And I say this as someone who grew up in a blended family myself. That is incredibly fucked up.

My experience shows it‘s really not. You reap what you sow, if you sow nothing and pack in immediately you’ll get nothing. I‘m not saying relationships are BOUND to work out if you work on them, but expecting there to be no conflict is immature, and advising others to leave immediately is bad advice.