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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Baffled by sudden ghosting

176 replies

Forfucksake84 · 24/11/2024 08:38

I went on a second date last week with a guy I've been chatting to for 3 months. The last date was actually 3 months ago but I wasn't sure If I liked him after the first one. I kept meaning to meet up with him again but then things kept coming up on both our ends. He was 2 hours late turning up last week but other than that the date went well and I found I was surprisingly attracted to him this time. I invited him back for a cup of tea after a few drinks and we had a bit of a gropey kiss before we left and he asked when I was next free so I said this weekend. He's been chatting normally all this week. On Thursday he sent me a dick pic, saying I think you would have done a lot more than copped a feel if I'd stayed much longer. I replied saying that I was turned on but that I don't usually go all the way on a second date, and that as long as he didn't think I'd invited him back for that reason. He said absolutely not at all, he'd never assume that, but that he'd just got carried away. I texted him on Friday night saying 'it's OK I'll let you off lol. How was your day?' and he just hasn't replied or opened the message. No mention of the date we pencilled in or anything. He's been consistent with communication for the last 3 months! Any thoughts? I'm so baffled and so sick of this flakey confusing behaviour from men. It just makes my head spin

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 19/01/2025 22:42

Forfucksake84 · 19/01/2025 22:20

This has happened before though with the last guy I dated. It's so hard not to take it personally

You need to take a step back from dating until you can understand why you ignore so many red flags and every bit of good advice you’re given.

This bloke had absolute wrongun tattooed n his forehead and yet you still gave him a chance and he did exactly what he said on the tin.

These men are game playing pricks but you have to have some personal accountability for piss poor judgement.

Thevelvelletes · 19/01/2025 22:47

There's definitely better out there for you.
Be grateful this idiot ghosted you.

cheeseontoasteez · 19/01/2025 22:53

Sorry what was the question again?

Just eww eww eww OP surely times cant be this bad!

VitDgummies · 19/01/2025 23:02

TwistedWonder · 19/01/2025 22:42

You need to take a step back from dating until you can understand why you ignore so many red flags and every bit of good advice you’re given.

This bloke had absolute wrongun tattooed n his forehead and yet you still gave him a chance and he did exactly what he said on the tin.

These men are game playing pricks but you have to have some personal accountability for piss poor judgement.

Show quote history

Completely agree.

I used to have friends like this, they are called “askholes” , they ask all this advice about some obviously terrible guy , never take any of the advice in, get screwed over by said guy , rant about it to the friends whose advice they ignored and repeat.

They never take any accountability or take real steps to try and prevent it from happening again. Men can be unpredictable and wear a mask sure, but in this case the man showed exactly who he was.

fluffyblanky · 19/01/2025 23:22

He has a big dick and there is nothing wrong with having sex with him if you wanted it.

Just don't put yourself down if he doesn't contact you, so what, his loss.

Franjipanl8r · 19/01/2025 23:24

Why on earth didn’t you just block him after he sent you a dick pick?!

ListenDontJudge · 19/01/2025 23:50

Forfucksake84 · 19/01/2025 17:46

Update on this thread: so this guy has continued chatting to me since my last update (his condition seemed to have been genuine) we only just got round to meeting again last night due to work commitments and illness on his side. I know I shouldn't have given him anymore chances but tbh I'd built up a bit of a rapport over 5 months of chatting and was nice to have someone to talk to. So he came round and we shared 2 bottles of wine and then slept together. We them chatted a bit more and he fell asleep on the sofa. I tried to wake him up to tell him I was going to bed if he wanted to come. He didn't wake up (don't know if he was pretending) so I went to bed and 20 mins later I heard him leaving. This was after at least a bottle of wine so i don't know how he drove home.I texted him this morning asking what time he left and he's not replied. I'm not sure I'd even want to see him again, but I'm upset that he's shagged me and can't even be bothered to send a courtesy message. Also leaves me wondering whether it's something I did or if I'm crap in bed, because he was texting me constantly before...🤨

How surprising. All the indications were that he was a lovely, respectful man. Hmm

JustinThyme · 20/01/2025 00:23

@Forfucksake84 - you should take it personally! It’s happening because you allow these awful men to behave like red flag parades and STILL let them into your home and shag them.

If you ignore all the signs and have sex with revolting blokes, yes, they will treat you like crap, shag you and disappear.

The good news is you can stop this at any time. Listen to MN advice, bin these losers and keep your self respect.

Bunnyhair · 20/01/2025 01:50

JustinThyme · 20/01/2025 00:23

@Forfucksake84 - you should take it personally! It’s happening because you allow these awful men to behave like red flag parades and STILL let them into your home and shag them.

If you ignore all the signs and have sex with revolting blokes, yes, they will treat you like crap, shag you and disappear.

The good news is you can stop this at any time. Listen to MN advice, bin these losers and keep your self respect.

This!!

This is at least in part a ‘you’ problem, because you seem to believe you are the cause of men’s shitty behaviour, and think if you change yourself to make them love you, you can fix it and they’ll be nice to you,

It doesn’t work that way. This man is not going to be caring and attentive to the right woman. He’s just a shit.

So pick men who aren’t shits! You do this by moving on at the first sign of shittiness from a man. Not trying to understand it, or fix it, or help him see how he’s hurting your feelings. Just move on. You don’t owe anyone the benefit of the doubt.

AlertCat · 20/01/2025 06:22

Have a break from men- a long one- we all need to learn how to be alone, otherwise we risk being with anyone to avoid being by ourselves. I mean at least a year, if not more than one, before you even consider going on a date.

Speaking from experience here!

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 20/01/2025 06:45

Goodness me, no. I can't believe you ignored all the advice here and all the red flags. Op you need to work on your standards , boundaries, confidence, self belief etc. Put this down to bad experience and move on. PLEASE DON'T CONTINUE TO SPEAK TO HIM WHEN HE COMES CRAWLING BACK. HE IS USING YOU

That's enough Internet for me today, thank you.

Chapter100 · 20/01/2025 07:18

Also, to add to what everyone else has says, if he had a seizure as he reckoned, he shouldn’t be driving for a year. So add that to the drink driving and report him

Flittingaboutagain · 20/01/2025 07:42

I would have called the police and reported him for drunk driving. Can't imagine wanting to ever hear from someone who drives drunk let alone who behaved so appallingly last time!

Kat888 · 20/01/2025 16:42

OP in the the nicest possible way you accepted his disrespect and shitty behavior towards you,in turn it showed him you have no respect for yourself. Next time you see the first red flag run. But please take a break and work on you're self esteem.

catlover1460 · 20/01/2025 16:45

Ghosting is so awful I was ghosted alot from dating sites by guys who only wanted sex and I wanted more

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 20/01/2025 18:33

As I say, I wouldn't want to see him again anyway. It's more just a blow to my self esteem. He said some pretty disgusting things while he was here. Said he was on some medication that had made him really constipated and that he'd physically had to pull the poo out himself. He also said that he had to have a shower before he left (he was late again) because he had a nervous poo and has ocd so has to shower after every shit. Then we were talking about driving and he said he'd once hit a deer and I said that was a bit sad, and he said well it shouldn't have got in my way then!
Finally he said he'd had 3 serious crashes in his life and seemed to think that was pretty good going.

OP posts:
Bumcake · 20/01/2025 18:54

Out of interest, is there anything he could have said that would have led to you showing him out rather than shagging him?

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 20/01/2025 19:01

How the fuck did you still have sex with him after that?!

TwistedWonder · 20/01/2025 19:03

JFC OP - your bar isn’t just low it’s subterranean. So on top of turning up 2 hours late, sending a dick pic and drink driving, this absolute prince amongst men talks about his bowel habits and boasts about crashing his car and you still couldn’t wait to get your knickers off for him.

Are you both teenagers because I can’t imagine this is real for two grown adults. It’s like a scene from The Inbetweeners

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 20/01/2025 19:06

No we're both 40! I was put off from the first comment of course but we both obviously got quite drunk and one thing led to another. Im not proud of it obviously. And it had been quite a long time for me....

OP posts:
northernlight20 · 20/01/2025 20:12

the more you update, the more disgusting! cant believe you still slept with him, honestly, raise the bar, because yours is one of the lowest ive read on here, cringing.

CardinalCat · 20/01/2025 20:14

You mention your self esteem, but I can promise you there are better ways to improve your self esteem than chasing after moronic wasters like this guy. Seriously! Time for a head wobble, and then look at your boundaries and what you really deserve in your life and what will make you happy and fulfilled. This sounds like a silly game for both of you, but you've had him now. Move past it and for the love of good stop chasing after him when he inevitably ghosts you again, only to mysteriously reappear when he's bored again.

OodlesPoodle · 20/01/2025 21:02

Ah OP, men aren't depleting your self esteem - you're doing that to yourself because you make up excuses for behaviour you know is terrible. When you date you need to understand that there's a large percentage of human beings (men and women) who don't care for you and are generally awful. You need to be smart and not be the woman who ends up only dating those people by understanding human behaviour more. You're wasting time wondering why a guy you've met twice is treating you like a piece of meat - it's because you tolerated him being 2 HOURS late, he knows you have no self esteem and can take advantage. If you'd have (i) not wasted time chatting for months and organised a meet up quickly (ii) set a specific time for the date and cancelled it if he was more than 20 mins late without a good excuse - you wouldn't have wasted 3 months of your life on this loser.

You then carried on speaking with him (why??) confirming his thought that you only want a shag. Because why would any self respecting woman not block a man who sends you a dick pick after 2 dates. You shouldn't see a picture before the real thing (and sending intimate photos in a relationship is of course ok and acceptable).

If you just want sex, that's perfectly fine. But don't get emotionally involved and you call the shots - don't expect bf vibes from a f**k buddy.

As for this guy, he was always a weird, gross loser. Most women would have swerved him probably from his chat alone, before even meeting him. I'm sure you missed red flags in the convo. But if you are so uncertain of what makes a decent man you will never meet one. Basically someone who respects your time, wants to make a good impression, cares about your feelings and prefers having sex rather than talking about it). It maybe time to work on your self esteem, so when you date noone has the power to deplete it. Strong self esteem is what helps you avoid the dregs of the dating pool instead of only selecting them and feeling worse about yourself.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 20/01/2025 21:49

Forfucksake84 · 20/01/2025 18:33

As I say, I wouldn't want to see him again anyway. It's more just a blow to my self esteem. He said some pretty disgusting things while he was here. Said he was on some medication that had made him really constipated and that he'd physically had to pull the poo out himself. He also said that he had to have a shower before he left (he was late again) because he had a nervous poo and has ocd so has to shower after every shit. Then we were talking about driving and he said he'd once hit a deer and I said that was a bit sad, and he said well it shouldn't have got in my way then!
Finally he said he'd had 3 serious crashes in his life and seemed to think that was pretty good going.

All you need now, is for him to tell you where the bodies are buried 😳

TipsyJoker · 20/01/2025 22:52

Read this and don’t date again until you’ve learned not to give yourself away to losers and creeps.

https://ia600704.us.archive.org/31/items/TheSixPillarsOfSelfEsteem_201811/The-Six-Pillars-of-Self-Esteem.pdf

Also, for spotting red flags in the future read this

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I think you need some counselling to unpick why you allow yourself to be treated like this, raise your self esteem, learn how to set healthy boundaries and be more assertive. And stop having guys over to your house and getting drunk.

why-does-he-do-that.pdf

“This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike…. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting...

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf