Baffled by sudden ghosting

[Forfucksake84]

I went on a second date last week with a guy I've been chatting to for 3 months. The last date was actually 3 months ago but I wasn't sure If I liked him after the first one. I kept meaning to meet up with him again but then things kept coming up on both our ends. He was 2 hours late turning up last week but other than that the date went well and I found I was surprisingly attracted to him this time. I invited him back for a cup of tea after a few drinks and we had a bit of a gropey kiss before we left and he asked when I was next free so I said this weekend. He's been chatting normally all this week. On Thursday he sent me a dick pic, saying I think you would have done a lot more than copped a feel if I'd stayed much longer. I replied saying that I was turned on but that I don't usually go all the way on a second date, and that as long as he didn't think I'd invited him back for that reason. He said absolutely not at all, he'd never assume that, but that he'd just got carried away. I texted him on Friday night saying 'it's OK I'll let you off lol. How was your day?' and he just hasn't replied or opened the message. No mention of the date we pencilled in or anything. He's been consistent with communication for the last 3 months! Any thoughts? I'm so baffled and so sick of this flakey confusing behaviour from men. It just makes my head spin

Report him for drunk driving while you're at it

This.

Neither of you could have been majorly bothered. not to meet up again for three months. I don't know about you but i'd imagine he has other irons in the fire.

He was probably not very invested. So he could disappear at any time

The dick pic thing after only two dates and a snog is .... inappropriate, and suggests a sex seeker, who's literally thinking with his dick.

I'd say he's gotten distracted by another shiny object, someone who'll shag him more or less immediately etc.

The two hours late thing .....unless there was a very very good excuse ..is disrespectful. Again it does not speak of someone who is invested/focused etc.

Sounds like someone who's a bit harem scarem flaky and probably trying to play the field. The drink driving thing is a sign of a disordered, irresponsible, flaky character too.

Re the drink driving, I've gone on many dates where the men drive to me (I live in the main city and most of the time they live further away). It's astonishing how often they will drink over the limit, even if not visibly drunk. I'm talking 3 or 4 drinks, shouldn't be driving level, but not getting absolutely wrecked. It seems to me (and you can call me cynical) that because I live nearby and walking distance, it's a way to try and get me to say 'oh you can't possibly drive home, stay at mine...'.

I do not, and what is scary is it wasn't an 'accident' and them getting 'carried away', because they make the not-drunk-out-of-their-mind decision to drive home like that rather than fork out for a taxi. I do not see them again.

And don't say I should've reported them - I'd meet them in a public place in a venue with lots of people, not a shady deserted car park so never knew their numberplates.

Not being able to find someone decent to be in a relationship with shouldn't mean you lower your standards and go out with a bellend. Instead, stay single until you find someone decent.

@Forfucksake84
Hey op.....I'm about the same age as you give or take.....and I've just decided to stop with the online dating, or really any dating at the moment....
Constant rejections, meeting weirdos or meeting men who aren't actually looking to date ( just a shag 🙄) meant I was starting to feel a little bruised and my self esteem was also taking a hammering!!

I'm concentrating on myself for now, lots of lovely pampering and doing things I really want to do without any pressure of meeting someone.....
Already I feel like a weight has been lifted!!

Whatever you do, do not lower your standards for any man!

This guy sounds like a bell end!

Best of luck, it's not easy 💐💐

He’s not a nice person. Don’t get sucked into seeing him again.

This says it all. He sounds awful OP.

Thank you. I will try this. I know everyone says you need to be happy on your own, but do you not worry about never meeting the right person and being alone forever? Cos I do...😐

The crux of this will be that he will rear his ugly head again when he’s bored and looking for action. I hope you have the strength of long to completely ignore him.

Would you rather be with the wrong man than be alone? I've sleepwalked into a few relationships that were wrong, sort of kept dating simply because the men weren't as bad as some of the utterly shocking first dates I've had! If you can get comfortable with being single, you're more likely to find a man who will enhance your life - as a bonus to an already good life - rather than settling for a man who turns up late, drunk drives, and whatever other poor treatment you end up willing to put up with because deep down you'd rather settle than be single.

That came out blunter than I intended but I've been there and done it, so I do mean it kindly.

But once you do find contentment on your own, being alone forever isn’t a scary thought. I was single for over five years before I met OH and wasn’t looking for a relationship because I didn’t need one. I WAS looking for red flags when we started hanging out, and would have been gone so fast if any had shown up- previously I meandered from one dodgy relationship to another with my shonky boundaries. I’m really happy with him and would be heartbroken if anything happened to him, but I don’t fear being alone any more. It’s the most empowering thing I’ve ever done.

I think you'll find he turned things sexual on the second date....dick pic!? Gross, how old is he, 22!?

No. Because becoming comfortable single, loving yourself and seeing a man as a nice to have who enhances the life you already have really changes your mindset.

Nope I hear you..... If one more person says to me "he will come along when you're not looking" I think I'll scream!! 😂

Also I hate being told you have to be happy with yourself before you meet someone.....BUT I AM HAPPY WITH MY LIFE, AND I'M VERY HAPPY IN MY OWN SKIN!!! I JUST WANT TO MEET A NICE MAN TO SHARE IT WITH!!!!! 🙈

Yes, as time goes on I do wonder if I'll meet anyone.... I've got some really lovely friends..... But I am starting to face the realisation that I may well be single forever 🫤

Hope it all works out for you 🤞🏻🤞🏻
But just know, you're definitely not alone in what you're thinking and feeling x

@Forfucksake84 and @anon12345anon - I'd urge to read a bit on these boards. So, so many threads by women who ignored red flags and ended up with men that seemed good enough but turned out to be wrong ones. Years later they feel trapped, having scaled back their careers when kids came along. Some of the stories are heartbreaking.

Your story really resonates with me because he sounds alot like my ex. He was also obsessed with his big floppy cock, and he made very poor decisions. I stopped him from drink-driving and sending dick pics on day one, but stupidly I didn’t walk away. I saw several red flags but I overlooked them because I’d known him for a long time, and I couldn’t believe he was actually a wrongun.

A year later, with the benefit of hindsight, I now fully believe he is a wrongun. He’s also highly manipulative and did his best to mess with my head. Since we split I’ve done a lot of self-reflection to understand why I tolerated his nonsense for as long as I did. I’ve subsequently raised my bar so high that nobody meets it, and the feeling of self-respect is so much better than the fleeting attention of some selfish man-child.

Yes, the thought of being alone forever scares me. But, I am determined not to let fear control me. Life can be really tough sometimes, it takes courage to face it alone, and being courageous is no bad thing. Also, I have amazing friends who helped me open my eyes to his manipulation. They are loyal and wonderful, and they are the people I’ll grow old with (and they definitely won’t be sending me unwanted pics of their genitals).

Why do you keep making excuses for him? You need to learn from people like this or you are going to end up in a really bad relationship.

Hey @Semiramide
Hmmm.. thanks for your response, although honestly I find it rather odd....

I was married for 17 years, and I certainly know a red flag when I see it!!

Wanting to meet a nice man doesn't mean you're some sort of sap who will take any attention.... I'm going to assume that you aren't single, or at least looking to date from your response....

The problem isn't us women, it's a group of men who are absolute dickheads when it comes to dating!!

• Late for first date
• Couldn’t be bothered making another date for three months
• Two hours (!!!) late for second date
• Got too drunk to drive
• Whipped his nob out without asking
• Drove home over the limit anyway
• Sent unsolicited dick pic
• Ghosted

Please please tell me you will raise your standards?

I wouldn’t go on a second date with someone who didn’t clear that first hurdle, let alone the rest of it.

Exactly, a drink driver is the final straw.. OP you need to work on your self esteem if you are questioning yourself after this. He's a drink driver, putting others in danger, dick pic sending late person who goes quiet on you, put him in the fuck-it bucket and move on.

And yeah a dick pic has never done anything other than make me shrivel up, the exact opposite effect they are seeking. These pervy mens lives are ruled by them seeking out images of naked women and they'd love getting an unsolicited vagina pic.. so they think we're the same. How do they not understand women are not like them.

I know I clearly need to work on my self esteem but it's men behaving like this that are eroding it. This weird sudden ghosting after initially seeming keen has happened numerous times and it makes me wonder if there's something unlikeable about my character that makes them think I'm worth a shag/snog but nothing more committal. (Despite what I thought were enjoyable dates) Obviously this man is a red flag and if he contacts me again I will ignore him, but it's just the not knowing why that baffles and bothers me..

It’s that ‘unlimited, unconditional choice’ mindset that men seem to bring to OLD. it’s not you. At all!

I’ve never met you but I’m pretty sure you are not the problem here. There are lots of amazing single women in their 40s, like us. Unfortunately, most single men over 40 are afflicted by some kind of arrested development. These men are non-committal because they’re not capable of a real relationship. They lack the emotional maturity, empathy, accountability etc. etc.

I could go on a long rant about this type of man, but you get the gist. There are some good ones out there, but they are few and far between. You need to weed out the trash by implementing a policy of zero tolerance on shit behaviour. Show no mercy. These pricks have been getting away with it for years because some of us are too forgiving. They need to grow up and sort their shit out, and they’ll not bother as long as someone somewhere is willing to touch their willy. You can choose not to be that person, and every time you reject one of these twats, your self-esteem will grow.

Fabulous summing up of the situation.

But most of the men that have ended up ghosting me are dad's with ex partners so presumably they were once capable of having a commited relationship so I wonder what's stopping them from being able to do it again? Maybe at a certain age they just think...'been there...done that ' and want to play the field? They obviously don't care about the prospect of ending up alone!