totally sick of dh and porn use - need advice

[sameoldstory]

Had to name-change as I'm an embarrassed regular.

I'm 6 weeks pregnant so probably a bit over-emotional but I have always been upset my my dh's love of porn. He's always paying for subscriptions to websites, which is about 10-20 quid a pop - he tends to pay and then cancel pretty soon after. It's just the usual stuff, nothing weird iykwim, but it pisses me off so much. We're a bit worried about money at the moment, esp with dc3 on the way, and he promised he would stop. Swore blind.

He knows how much I hate it, it makes me feel sick inside and I can't help feeling insecure as he ogles over other female's perfect bodies. This has been an ongoing issue between us for years. He promises he'll stop, then doesn't.

The thing is, I can see he will never change, and I don't know how I can be with him for the rest of our lives with this hanging over me. He's a good dh really, looks after us and I do believe he's do anything for me, so why won't he stop doing something that upsets me so much? I just can't love him as much as I should because of it.

Any wives out there who have learned to live with this kind of thing? How? I feel that it will ultimately wreck our marriage.

am with mmj - possibly without the mutilation though - I'd be going nuts too

really? Am I not over-reacting? Because i often got the old 'but ALL men do it!' in defense. I don't care what other men do - I don't want him to do it!

He's not a horny 17 year old FFS! He's a grown man, in a highly responsible job, with a wife and 2 young kids!

I'm so angry.

is it escapism for him? whats his reasoning behind it

am sure most men DO like it but would have to imagine that there is some kind of cutting off point for most

their wives being hurt/offended/upset and money issues being a pretty good place to stop

My DH doesn't. He has his sexual time with me (or alone...what goes on behind the bathroom door is his business lol) but the rest of the time he's an adult man who is capable of putting sex out of his mind for a few hours.
Your DH needs to grow up for two reasons -
1 - you can't afford it. I can't think of a worse and more frivolous waste of money.
2 - it hurts your feelings. Nuff said.

Personally I think you are over reacting. So he looks at porn? So what?

You said yourself he is a good man so do not let this come between you.

Agree, the money thing is stupid. There is loads of free porn available on tinternet if money is the only issue but I suspect it's not.

Dr, it's not just the looking at porn now though is it. He's sworn blind that he would stop - and he hasn't - which means he lies/breaks promises to his wife multiple times, nice. They also can't afford for him to be signing up to all these sites, and then cancelling his subscription not long after. If it wasn't a waste of money when he first signed up, then it definately is when he cancels soon after.

He needs to get his priorities straight. If staying away from porn is such a hard thing for him, and he thinks nothing of spending money that you need on his 'fix', then I think there's abit more to it than it being a man thing. Hooked on it perhaps.

but it does come between us. I can't help my feelings, and believe me, I have tried not to let this matter, to turn a blind eye, etc etc, but it makes me shake with anger.

I feel very disrespected by this. And I think I deserve better. It's the constant denial, the deceit, that really pisses me off.

My DH looks at it, I hate it and it really diminishes my attraction/ respect for him to think that he enjoys that.

I have learnt to live with it, I don't need to know about it, I have told him to be discreet.

You can probably tell I don't have the best marriage in the world, but it's not the worst either. That's life...

i feel for you and think it would be a bit of a deal breaker if he refused to take your feelings on board

i would be tempted to start ogling young men with six packs but then again no

i would probably show him this

porn is not a necessary part of a healthy sex life

if anything it is actually putting 'you' off sex

There are hundreds of threads about men looking at porn and the woman being pissed off.

He is lying an denying it because he feels he is not allowed to do it. Surely if you make it so it is not taboo, things will be better?

I'm not saying join in with him, or be around when he is doing it. Simply say, you are a grown man, if you choose to look at porn then fine. Just please do not let me or the dc find it.

Porn is perfectly legal (providing it is normal stuff as you say)and I just don't get this hysteria women have over it.

'hysteria'

no just dont like it - nor does dp so i am lucky

I don't get it either DrNortherner. Fair enough if you can't afford the money ask him to restrict his viewing to the free stuff.

"I don't know how I can be with him for the rest of our lives with this hanging over me. He's a good dh really, looks after us and I do believe he's do anything for me"

Do you really want to give up a good dh who would would do anything for you because of this?

DrNorthener-
many people see porn as an unpleasant transaction between consumer and product, which they do not wish to be part of and do not respect people who are part of. The consumer tends to be the man and the product tends to be the woman.
I personally believe that the majority of mainstream porn perpetuates the notion of women as products to be consumed and also a mysoginistic, patriarchal view of sexual relations that damages men and women through its ubiquity and pervasiveness in mainstream, non-porn, industries and imagery.

Message withdrawn

Are they your words or did you copy and paste?

To Kat not Cod.

DrN, I do wish I could take your attitude and put it in my mind! I have tried, but maybe it's down to hating the fact he'd rather jack off to porn than be with me.

and why the hell does he pay for it when there's an abundance of free stuff out there?

Feels like it's just a big bowl of wrong.

I would be worried about the money. There's so much free porn around, why does he need to spend money on it?

Though I can see it's not just the money issue which annoys you. I am ok with porn so long as no one is getting hurt, but wouldn't like it if my OH were spending loads on it.

The money is the issue especially if you have discussed cutting back etc.The porn is also an issue if you have any moral/religious objection but if it just isn't your cup of tea and it is his you'll have to put up with it.

why should I have to out up with it though?

If I was doing ANYTHING that caused him hurt and upset, I would stop immediately, no problem. Becuase surely a marriage is about respect and honesty, at least in part?

He's just been on the phone, denying any use again, but I know for sure he signed up to two websites over the weekend. So he's lying to me again. I can't stand it.