totally sick of dh and porn use - need advice

[sameoldstory]

Had to name-change as I'm an embarrassed regular.

I'm 6 weeks pregnant so probably a bit over-emotional but I have always been upset my my dh's love of porn. He's always paying for subscriptions to websites, which is about 10-20 quid a pop - he tends to pay and then cancel pretty soon after. It's just the usual stuff, nothing weird iykwim, but it pisses me off so much. We're a bit worried about money at the moment, esp with dc3 on the way, and he promised he would stop. Swore blind.

He knows how much I hate it, it makes me feel sick inside and I can't help feeling insecure as he ogles over other female's perfect bodies. This has been an ongoing issue between us for years. He promises he'll stop, then doesn't.

The thing is, I can see he will never change, and I don't know how I can be with him for the rest of our lives with this hanging over me. He's a good dh really, looks after us and I do believe he's do anything for me, so why won't he stop doing something that upsets me so much? I just can't love him as much as I should because of it.

Any wives out there who have learned to live with this kind of thing? How? I feel that it will ultimately wreck our marriage.

I am sure if you spent the shopping money on looking at some big hard cocks he would be happy then?

no i didnt think so

Where do I say it is not thoughts and fantasies?

If I wanted to look at big hard cocks I bloody well would, as it happens thay don't do it for me so I choose to read erotic fiction instead. There is loads available on tinternet for free.

Well he doesn't have to think up ideas and situations I guess as they are there on paper or on the screen.

Take the visual aids away and I am sure he would then think them up all by himself.

would you spend the shopping money on it though?

there are two issues here and I think you are confusing them as the same

totally agree with you DrNortherner. All porn does it take away the effort required for a bit of fantasy and escapism. If there wasn't porn, we would still fantasise on our own (or even occasionally when with our partners too. And even those of you who are totally anti-porn, don't tell me that you have never once fantasises about being with someone else while making love to your partner).

As for erotic lit, totally agree. Anais Nin is way more powerful than a lot of visual porn. Plus someone here once recommended literotica online, lots of very creative stuff there too - and none of it visual, it's all in the words.

MMJ, i think there is a wide consensus that he should not be paying for it, plus a wide consensus that he should find a solution which works for him and the OP - which they seem to have done. But please, stop this rubbish about perfect women. Once and for all, we men do not look at porn to oggle perfect women - very often they are far from perfect. It is just the scenarios, the fantasy, the escapism. We are not comparing what we see with our DPs. I think it just comes down to a question of security. My DW knows I watch porn sometimes but knows it doesn't impact on how i feel about her. I know she watches it too but I am not cowering at the thought that she might get off on looking at someone who has a bigger c*ck than me. That is because I feel secure in my relationship and so does she.

drnortherner-while it is lovely that you can say you are not atall insecure about your looks etc and thats why porn is not an issue for you,i do tend to assume that women who spout that sort of thing are indeed deeply insecure and that is why they tend to bang on about such things('oh,you must be so insecure if you dont want your dh to look at porn,i am so lucky that i love myself so much' yeah right).

there is nothing wrong with not wanting your dh/p to look at other women naked.it is not prudish or anything else to feel that way,it is perfectly acceptable.yes,there are some women who have no problem with their oh looking at porn,but there are some women who are in open relationships and have no problem with their oh having sex with other women.
just because its acceptable to some,doesnt mean that the whole of society should accept it.

sameoldstory-i suppose its good that hes admitted he has a problem,but really it should be him taking steps to get over it.its his problem,after all.and its not like porn is physicaly addictive like drugs or smoking.

i have never once fantasised about anyone else while making love with my dh.i am in love with him,why would i want to think about anyone else?!

I am not spouting on about how secure I am, I was merely responding to the OP who has already stated it makes her feel crap that he chooses to wank over perfect women and not her.

The point I was trying to make is that some women have issues with porn beacuse it makes them feel inferior. And that is a shame because it shouldn't.

And Divastrop I do belive that porn can be addictive actually. Particularly when deemed as 'unaccaptable' by another partner.

yes,but its not physically addictive.

im sorry,i got the impression that you thought all women who have a problem with porn do so because it makes them feel inferior/they are insecure.

Gambling isn't physically addictive either but can still be damaging.

I notice the threads on MN about porn use are generally woman devastated because their dp has been using porn behind their backs, say they will stop and don't. Men who have issues with porn use have partners/wives who try to ban it.

well in a way it is gambl;ing because he is spending money that they havent got on this. Whether you agree with porn or not, he is being an immature wanker

wanker being a very appropriate word

Don't want to go over old ground but if the money is teh only issue it can be resolved by OP's dh looking at free porn. Though I suspect the money is not the biggest issue here.

DrN, thanks for your comments, although they don't really help me at all. I appreciate you have your views on this subject, I just find it amazing that any female has no issue with their partners using porn! I wish I could be so laid-back about it, and believe me, in everyday life, I am extremely laid-back - but this is something that really gets my back up.

I do consider my self pretty attractive - sorry if that sounds arrogant -so maybe that's part of the problem - porn makes me feel like I'm not enough for him.

I think the whole problem with my dh began when I realised just how mucg he was using, and spending, without my knowledge, then denying, lying etc etc. I cannot bear being lied to. It makes me feel like a fool.

In the past we have looked at it together - when I was going through a 'if you can't beat 'em ' phase, but tbh it did nothing for me. I'm certainly no prude, and our sex life can be pretty racy...

We talked it over at length last night, and I can see he knows how sad this makes me. Honestly, if it wasn't for this, we'd have a (almost) totally happy relationship. But this changes the way I feel about him. He knows that, and knows he needs to change his behaviour, for the sake of us. I do not want to police his thoughts! I'm not some kind of paranoid control freak. Porn is the root of the issue - the lying and deceit follow on from that. And why should anyone be in a relationship where they're being lied to?

sameoldstory I appreciate your predicament I really do. If I were to offer you advice it would be to develop a so what? attitude to his porn use (as long as free and legal)

Revel in the fact that you have a fab relationship, a lovley family and a happy marriage. You just have a dh who chooses to wank to porn - as do the vast majority of men.

If you can not be relaxed about it, than I don't know what the answer is, because he won't stop looking I reckon.

I hope you gat an outcome you are all happy with, I truly do

I agree with DrN that IME it is fairly normal although I don't know why he wants to pay for it, that does sound OTT.

But this is really about what is acceptable to YOU.

You say he can see how sad it makes you, but the question is, does he want to stop?

You could get rid of the computer. You could have a laptop just for YOU that is locked.

But I do think he is likely to lapse occasionally, even with the best will in the world.

"porn makes me feel like I'm not enough for him" I have heard this from so many friends over the years.

Porn is an escape, a fantasy. It shows either totally unrealistic images of 'perfect' women or it shows average looking women AFAICS, these images are not a threat to you. By looking at porn a man is basically buying in to something which he knows is unobtainable.

Good last post OP.

The difficulty with these threads is that they always end up disappearing down the "Is porn healthy/ normal/ acceptable or unhealthy/ immoral/ exploitative route?" Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, this debate never reaches a consensus and besides, as the OP say, no matter how well argued each side may be, it pretty much never changes the views of someone on the other side - for most people, these views are as much visceral as they are rational.

DrN, whilst I agree with your point of view, asking the OP to change will clearly be very difficult for her. The question here is, should she? If your partner asks you to stop doing something because it makes them unhappy, should they just stop?

Generally, in the absence of anything else, the answer is yes. Why would you want to continue behaviour which makes a person you care about unhappy? To continue that behaviour needs a good reason. If, for example, someone says they want DH to stop seeing their old girlfriend who is now a good friend, then doing so would mean giving up a close friendship. DH would be making DW happy, but a very high cost to his own happiness.

In this case, on the other hand, the reason is simply that he likes porn. OP hates porn. She's tried to give it a go, but can't accept it. Now I, like most guys, like porn but can happily live without it. If using it made DW genuinely very unhappy, then I'd stop. Why? Because I'd be making her much happier at very small cost to my own happiness. To me, that seems like a very fair trade-off. The conclusion from that is, I guess, if the DH isn't willing to give it up, then he's valuing the pleasure he gets from porn more highly than the pleasure the OP would get from him giving it up... doesn't that sound a little strange?

thank you cestlavie.

I do believe that my dh will at the very least TRY to stop - he does love me, that much I know. I asked him what he was thinking as he got out his credit card and signed up to yet another site, and his honest answer was, I'm NOT thinking about anything except myself. Fair enough, at least he can be honest.

I think it's a habit that only he can decide to break - it's not like an addiction that is taking over our lives, and the money he spends is just really adding insult to injury. At the moment, he's of the frame of mind that he doesn't want to cause me hurt or stress, especially given the fact that I'm pregnant, so he will not look at/use porn. Netnanny is now installed, at his insistance. I would not have ever put it on if he hadn't told me to, as I would rather be in a trusting relationship. He does show willing, and isn't making me feel like I'm being unreasonable. And you're right, it makes me feel much happier, knowing that he's willing to listen to me and act accordingly - at least I don't doubt his commitment to us.

Are there any porn addiction websites you can leave on his PC?