totally sick of dh and porn use - need advice

[sameoldstory]

Had to name-change as I'm an embarrassed regular.

I'm 6 weeks pregnant so probably a bit over-emotional but I have always been upset my my dh's love of porn. He's always paying for subscriptions to websites, which is about 10-20 quid a pop - he tends to pay and then cancel pretty soon after. It's just the usual stuff, nothing weird iykwim, but it pisses me off so much. We're a bit worried about money at the moment, esp with dc3 on the way, and he promised he would stop. Swore blind.

He knows how much I hate it, it makes me feel sick inside and I can't help feeling insecure as he ogles over other female's perfect bodies. This has been an ongoing issue between us for years. He promises he'll stop, then doesn't.

The thing is, I can see he will never change, and I don't know how I can be with him for the rest of our lives with this hanging over me. He's a good dh really, looks after us and I do believe he's do anything for me, so why won't he stop doing something that upsets me so much? I just can't love him as much as I should because of it.

Any wives out there who have learned to live with this kind of thing? How? I feel that it will ultimately wreck our marriage.

SOS I PERSONALLY WOULD PLAY HIM AT HIS OWN GAME,
LET HIM KNOW [ACCIDENTLY] THAT YOU ARE LOOKING ogling AT FIT YOUNG MEN ON THE NET. GET ONE OF THOSE tacky NICE CALENDERS WITH FIREMEN IN STATES OF UNDRESS [HOSES IN HAND] TO PUT IN PRIDE OF PLACE IN KITCHEN.ARRANGE HEN NIGHT WITH FRIENDS.
MAYBE BY SHOWING HIM HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL HE WILL GET THE MESSAGE.
GOOD LUCK,

we have a no porn policy is my house. marriage is about respect, if one partner says no then thats no and its not happening on any issue.

after first DH was totally addicted to it and became a very violent and abusive man i soon changed my mind about such an 'inocent' past time. thank god he left when i was still youngish.

I did find the book by Laurie Hall "affair of the mind" very helpful but would not recomend it unless you are into religous reading. the sources of her research were very good. their is so much more available now about addiction but make sure you are getting it from a reliable source.

Tell him you know that he is lying and that you have the evidence. Tell him that the lying is hurting you. Maybe he thinks he is getting away with it. You may not be able to stop his porn use but you should at least expect honesty.

firstly, the paying for it is definitely an issue, if money is tight. But... there is loads of free stuff which he could go and look at instead...

and... as an aside, why does everyone always think porn is about perfect beautiful women being paid to be exploited by seedy men who watch them??

speaking purely for myself, i really like watching amateur porn i.e. porn produced by non-professionals. People post gallons of these on the internet, the two consenting adults seem to "get off" on the fact of being watched. They are not being paid and they are never perfect beauties. They are not being exploited. I don't watch porn to oggle the individuals, I watch it for the scenarios it portrays. As has been said 1000 times here, men are visual and it is therefore visual scenarios which stimulate us.

Back to the OP, perhaps a middle ground would be to say, ok watch the porn but on two clear conditions: a) it doesn't cost money and b) doesn't impact on their lives together, for example in the time he uses up by watching it. OP needs to be sure however, before talking about the pay element, that she has no frivolous expenditure which he might throw back at her (ciggies etc)

noddy why??

dp does not like something i do i try at least try to change

if he picks his finger nails in the car and i ask him not to i would hope he would try to change

is pornography an essential adult need? is it a human right?

DrNorthener
those are my opinions. If you disagree please feel free to engage with me in a conversation. Please don't insult my intelligence by assuming I 'copied and pasted' my post.

Does he prefer to 'jack off' to it instead of being with you though? Has he actually said that or is it something you think he thinks?

I don't think any man would prefer to watch it than actually do it, although a lot of men still watch it, and the women that don't like it always think this is the case (possible trust/jealousy issues?). My partner used to watch it when I was working nights. He never once decided to watch porn instead of have sex with me though.

"speaking purely for myself, i really like watching amateur porn i.e. porn produced by non-professionals"

lol - I find this the dullest most depressing porn in the world.

Having said that however, I do think he is wrong to carry on watching it if you have expressed your concerns and have shown him that you really have a problem with it.

Also, he really shouldn't need to be paying for it off the internet, wouldn't it be better that he just gets a cheapo DVD or free internet sites?!?

sorry Dittany but if i may say, you are wrong on both accounts. Firstly youtube (rightly) has a strict no adult content policy. And secondly, while there is no doubt the odd occasion where these videos are posted as an abuse of trust, it is naive to suggest that this is endemic. If you watch a few you may see that all parties are knowingly engaging their audience, IYSWIM. Also, a lot of this type of porn will deliberately have been flimed by excluding any images of faces. This is not the behaviour of people who don't know they are about to hit the web.

I do however respect your stance.

postingforawhile: you believe those people are 'getting off' on being watched because that makes you feel better about it.

My dh has nothing he can throw back at me, I'm careful with money, stick to a budget, am really quite frugal. I don't smoke. The only money I spend is on the dc's needs and groceries, which I then cook to make his dinner every night.

He uses it when I'm not around so it doesn't impact on our time together. His use of it does impact on our realtionship though. Because it bothers me. A lot.

SOS, if he has nothing to throw back at you re finances then you really have every cause to be narked by him spending money on an "extra" like this when things are so tight. He should, at the very least, understand this.

porn is not acceptable in our marriage. this is not because i am a prude or unrealistic or even that i believe that all porn is about exploitation (i dont think that that is the case) it just makes me feel shitty and betrayed if my partner looks at it - i feel as if he is comparing me and i am not enough for him. this was a huge issue in my first marriage. So dh knows its not on - he used to look at it a bit in his bachelor days, now he doesnt. I am not naive or deluded, he really doesnt as he knows how it makes me feel and that is would be a deal braker. so, sameold, it is ok and 'normal' to say 'this is not ok with me and not all me do it.'

fair enough Dittany, there will be some who know, others who do not.

just as an aside, i think it is fair to say that in this digital age, it is extremely dangerous to make this kind of footage unless it is with someone you either absolutely trust or if you don't mind it getting out into the outside world. I am not saying that makes it right, I am just saying that people need to be realistic about how easy it is to share media now compared to the olden days of tapes...

also, if all people who wank to porn are wankers (linguistically correct though that may be!), that damns probably 80% of men and a fairly high % of women too.

Still, for the OP the issue remains that she is uncomfortable with it and I hope she finds a way of finding a solution which both her and her DH are happy with.

that should be 'breaker' and 'not all men'

How's your sex life?

thank you moopymoo. Can I ask in what way was it a huge issue on your first marriage?

the way I feel just now, at least if I wasn't with him I would never have to think about what he was doing. He could do as he pleased, all by himself.

There is no middle ground here, as far as I can see. I do not want him using porn. Not because I feel it's degrading etc (I do, but that's not the issue), but because it makes me feel like shit, and I don't want to be made to feel like that by my own dh.

our sex life is as you'd expect for the parents of two young dc's - but hey, I am pg again so it's obviously not non-existent!

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with him sorting himself out, as it were! I just wish he'd use his imagination rather than shell out for the act!

my first husband used porn alot, then graduated to phone sex lines and ran up huge debts. this was totally witout my knowledge and only came to light when a lovely woman rang from bt whose job it is to contact people whose bills suddenly show these phone lines. She spends all day breaking it to partners about this. it was, in my case, part of a whole series of messed up stuff that were symptoms of ex h depression, but it was the porn and the sex lines that really destroyed me, made me feel messed up about sex and betrayed. porn is addictive and desensitising and has a tendency to escalate into harder and harder stuff. its really a bad idea imo.

oh purleaasse. Porn is a problem for some people but use of porn doesn't lead to harder stuff in all cases. Just like smoking dope doesn't make you a heroin addict.

hmmm yes thats what i used to think....