totally sick of dh and porn use - need advice

[sameoldstory]

Had to name-change as I'm an embarrassed regular.

I'm 6 weeks pregnant so probably a bit over-emotional but I have always been upset my my dh's love of porn. He's always paying for subscriptions to websites, which is about 10-20 quid a pop - he tends to pay and then cancel pretty soon after. It's just the usual stuff, nothing weird iykwim, but it pisses me off so much. We're a bit worried about money at the moment, esp with dc3 on the way, and he promised he would stop. Swore blind.

He knows how much I hate it, it makes me feel sick inside and I can't help feeling insecure as he ogles over other female's perfect bodies. This has been an ongoing issue between us for years. He promises he'll stop, then doesn't.

The thing is, I can see he will never change, and I don't know how I can be with him for the rest of our lives with this hanging over me. He's a good dh really, looks after us and I do believe he's do anything for me, so why won't he stop doing something that upsets me so much? I just can't love him as much as I should because of it.

Any wives out there who have learned to live with this kind of thing? How? I feel that it will ultimately wreck our marriage.

fairy nuff

My brother has clinically diagnosed cannabis induced psychosis and is being evaluated for schizophrenia and is one of many.It is a nightmare you don't even want to contemplate

quick update for anyone still interested..

Had big 'chat' (again) with dh - he seems upset by how much he is hurting me and has told me to put Netnanny or something similar on the pc. Which I have. I think he does want to stop but finds it a form of escapism, which I can understand. We are both worried about this pregnancy due to previously having 2 m/c and various other reasons.

Anyway, we'll see what happens now. Thanks to all who listened and gave advice. It does help so much.

noddy, sorry x-posted. That is truly terrible about your brother. I hope he's getting the help he needs.

beanie, surely the important point is that heavy cannabis use can trigger a schizophrenia-like condition in people who might otherwise have been OK. The rest is just splitting hairs in my opinion. (And, as far as I understand it, psychiatrists increasingly dismiss the idea of 'schizophrenia' as a monolithic condition, and prefer instead to talk about schizo-affective disorders and so on - so there is really not a distinction, in their eyes, between 'true' schizophrenics and those who have taken on schizophrenic characteristics because of heavy drug use).

Cannabis won't make all users psychotic, but it does make some users psychotic, and they might otherwise have been OK. (I say this as someone who has the odd spliff herself.)

Well, Netnanny is better than nothing. Isn't this also an admission that he can't give it up alone - that is is an addiction, or close to being?

Maybe you need to have a bigger chat about priorities and deal breakers

Booze 'makes' just as many people psychotic - if you are suseptable any stimulant is a bad idea

Booze 'makes' just as many people psychotic - if you are suseptable any stimulant is a bad idea

cannabis is supposed to be particularly bad and not just any psychosis - particularly schizoid personality disorders

oh no, not another one.

sorry you are going through this, sameoldstory.
sorry i've got no magic solutions, just offering empathy/sympathy.i've got the t-shirt

alcohol induced mental illness is not even in the same league.My brothrs first episode can be traced exactly to a aprticular batch of cannabis in ireland He will never recover never have a normal life and be on meds forever.

Why pay? Isn't it all free unless you have special needs?

While I agree that the OP's DP should not be spending money on porn when the household finances are tight, I always find it a bit worrying when one partner wants to place such tight controls on what the other partner thinks about. For some people (male or female) looking at porn or erotic material is just a way of having some private space and time, it's a stress-reliever. Everyone needs private mental space and the chance to daydream and fantasize a bit: object to the expense by all means (as there is plenty of free stuff out there) but don't try to police his thoughts, it's never a good idea.

i dont think the money is a major issue here

the porn itself is - as it would be in my house

Maybe men need to be forced to confront how hurtful it is. I think that's the bit they don't get.. they all do it, it's harmless, it's escapism.... blah blah

Why not pore over photos of your all boyfriends ladies?! Oh this wwas Marty, he was lovely, he had such nice eyes and he tanned well. He smelt nice too. Excuse me a moment....

Get hold of info. about the seedy, destructive side of the porn industry, of how lots of the girls are messed up through sexual abuse or addiction, then see how sexy he finds it.

why is it hurtful? I agree with madamez's post.

Putting aside my personal dislike of porn, I do think that in this case one of the most salient points is that the OP has told her DH, many times, that she hates his porn use. Not only has he continued to use porn despite knowing this, but he has also lied about it. Leaving the porn issue itself aside, this is grubby behaviour in a committed relationship. Porn use isn't comparable to a preference for broccoli over cabbage, or quilted loo roll over plain; it is a deeply intimate and emotional issue. If your DH/DP isn't prepared to moderate his behaviour even though he knows it's causing pain, then you have a problem.

So thinking about other women is OK MMJ? Fantasising about the woman in the office, the foxy mum on the school run, his next door neighbour is OK but random images of nameless women is not?

Blimey. I don't get that at all.

Porn means the man doesn't have to think. It's there. Wam bam thank you mam. All over.

I don't gte het up about porn because I have agood sex life, my dh is always up for sex with me and I don't feel that porn gets in the way of that.

Plus I am not insecure about my looks or my body, maybe if I were I would think differently.

It saddens me that some women are insecure enough with man they choose to spend their life with that they feel they have to police their thoughts and fantasies.