Wife can’t live with my son

[Zihgty]

My wife and I have been together 6 years, we had our first child 4 years ago, and my son from a previous marriage moved in at the same time we had our baby (ex wife having trouble with him), and things have been ‘ok’ until recently when my son and wife have not been getting on- my son is almost 15 btw - he seems to resent her asking him to do things around the house, and when I was out for the eveing he called her a bitch. I spoke with him and told him if it happens again he can move back in with his mum, and things have been ok since.

However my wife now tells me I have to choose between him and her- if he stays she moves out, she’s not happy living with him.

Im so depressed that I’ve been put in this situation. My son’s mum is already looking after my 2 other kids, (11 and 16). Deep down I just want everyone to get along. I love my wife and want to have a happy life with her, my previous marriage failed and this time I’m sure it’s a good thing. I also don’t want to let my son down.

any advice appreciated.

Seems like a big conversation is required between everyone.
you, your ex-w, new wife, other children and most importantly your son.

everything needs to be spoken about, no whispers behind anyones backs.

no new family old family. You are just one family.
your son may feel pushed out and your wife is proving that.

Two things jump out at me. You describe things as being "ok" since the "bitch" incident but i'd imagine from your wife's pov things have been far from ok if she's reached the point she feels she can no longer live with him. Is she keeping a lot of what's really going on to herself or are you ignoring her/minimising things?

Second point, you're troubled you've been "put in this situation". That's quite a passive, 'poor me' response. You admit your son has been difficult from a young age - hence moving in with you - and he's been verbally abusive to your wife.

Besides the 4yo do you and your wife have other, younger children? How much are you around and how much of the caring of your son is your wife taking on? My guess is things are worse than you realise and your wife is possibly feeling out of her depth and intimidated by your son.

Your wife shouldn't have to live with someone who's calling her names - especially when they're doing it when you're out of the home. I'd wager there's probably other things occurring too! If your ex wife was having so much trouble with him that he had to move out, then you'd expect that to continue.

Your son needs to respect your wife and the house rules - name calling isn't okay. What have you done to help support your wife and your son apart from threatening your son with being kicked out?

You opened the door to this with your “threat” to send him back to his mother, TBH.

The consequence of bad behaviour in a separated family shouldn’t be exclusion of a child from one of their homes.

What else are you doing to address this?

What is she asking him to do that he's objecting to?

Why is your wife having to ask your DS to do things around the house? You should be the one teaching him how to do these things and setting up a routine of jobs he should be doing - so he will know how to look after himself as an adult and also so he can help as a member of a household preparing him for being a good housemate. His stepmother doesn't need to be involved in that at all. It would help remove some of the conflict.

I assume he is being asked to do chores around the house and he is refusing? What have you done about that?

You haven't 'been' put in this situation. You put yourself in this situation.

You should be asking him to do things. Drop the woe is me attitude and step up. I wouldn't want to live with an aggressive 15 year old I'm not blood related to either.

Did he call your DW a bitch to her face or tell you his feelings about her and you relayed it ? Just trying to fathom how disrespectful he has been at the time.
I'd ask her straight if there has been any improvement or further bad behaviour since you threatened him with going back to his mother's. If there has not been further issues, your DW should get over it and not be using it to get him out.
If your relationship is that great, and you are a hands on supportive dad to your 4YO, I'd suspect that she would not stick to her threat to move out, if she does, it's worse than you think, or she has a flawed attitude.

Sounds like you've been leaving your poor wife to do the parenting for your troubled 15yr old and your only response was to threaten him with eviction.
You need to step up and actually parent your child, you are the one responsible for where you are no one else.

His own biological mother can't deal with him, I don't expect your wife to either.

It's not your wife's fault that your sons behaviour is poor, but you can't make him move out, it's not right. Why is your son behaving this way? What can you do to change it? You said he resents her asking him to do stuff - so you need to come down hard on him about this, you can be asking him to do stuff and leave her out of it. Are you supporting her around the house? This kid soon won't be a child, he will be a young man who thinks it's ok to be disrespectful to women and you need to fix that. If you form a proper plan to take control will she give you some more time to fix things with your son before she leaves?

In reply to most of these messages, yes I make sure he does chores and homework and all these things myself, and he does then without too much of a problem, and he is well behaved all the time except for the aforementioned incident. My wife would definitely tell me if anything else was happening as well. And when he called her a bitch, it was under his breathe as he went upstairs ( she asked him to put his laundry basket outside) not directly and aggressively to his face.

Essentially, you need to step up and parent. It's not for your wife to come to terms with living with a lazy, misogynistic, sexist teenager who thinks it's ok to make offensive remarks to her.

You need to stop the behaviour. On what planet is it ok for a teenage boy to say that sort of thing to an adult woman (or indeed any girl or woman)? Of course she shouldn't have to live with this.

Either put a stop to the behaviour by doing your job as a parent or (lazy option) ship him back to his mum's. Or I imagine your wife will leave you and you'll become an NRP to another child.

And when he called her a bitch, it was under his breathe as he went upstairs ( she asked him to put his laundry basket outside) not directly and aggressively to his face.

In her shoes I’d be telling him to do his own fucking laundry or you can do it for him.

Do you ever call her a bitch under your breath?

Controversial point of view but when you marry someone, their family becomes your family, especially kids. OPs DS is 15, hormones raging all over the place, not the first or the last kid to call their parent a name or refuse to do chores. Doesn't make it right and needs to be spoke about but you can't just give an ultimatum 'it's me or them' - you're a step parent so act like a parent. No doubt their biological kid will act a very similar way in 10 years time. It won't be an ultimatum then will it? It's treating that kid as if he's disposable, and certainly not part of the family which is probably adding to his rebellious behaviour.

No more evenings out for you op, you need to be present at home and support your wife, maybe take your 15yr out to do a sport together, work out some of that frustration and let your wife enjoy some peace without him there.

Here we go, another man getting ready to abandon his kids on the word of a woman.

Yeah unless there’s a huge backstory where he’s being horrible to her or abusive then that isn’t abnormal for a teen, although it’s disgusting behaviour and I bet he wouldn’t say that to his friends mum or his female teacher. Come down hard on him if he does anything like that again. If she’s giving you ultimatums then maybe she feels like the relationship is over.

Look after your own child don't expect your wife to parent her like you have with your other two children.

Yes.
You've had a lot of children with a series of women, and you're wringing your hands because all the women don't get on with all the children.

Seriously, what did you expect?

Two women isn’t really a series is it?

@Startinganew32 I was thinking the same thing.

If this is true, your wife is being completely unreasonable.

However, you threatened to make him move out due to one incident, so I am not convinced the things you've said here are true because clearly your parenting needs some work.

So unless you can tell us what's really going on, no one is going to be able to give you good advice.

[oh, and you haven't been "put" in this situation. You are a man with multiple children from at least 2 women who needs to figure out how to be a good parent and partner]