Wife can’t live with my son

[Zihgty]

My wife and I have been together 6 years, we had our first child 4 years ago, and my son from a previous marriage moved in at the same time we had our baby (ex wife having trouble with him), and things have been ‘ok’ until recently when my son and wife have not been getting on- my son is almost 15 btw - he seems to resent her asking him to do things around the house, and when I was out for the eveing he called her a bitch. I spoke with him and told him if it happens again he can move back in with his mum, and things have been ok since.

However my wife now tells me I have to choose between him and her- if he stays she moves out, she’s not happy living with him.

Im so depressed that I’ve been put in this situation. My son’s mum is already looking after my 2 other kids, (11 and 16). Deep down I just want everyone to get along. I love my wife and want to have a happy life with her, my previous marriage failed and this time I’m sure it’s a good thing. I also don’t want to let my son down.

any advice appreciated.

It's shocking, isn't it.

OP why was your first response to your son to tell him to move out?
That's horrible.

You should be telling him to apologise, and ensuring you do his washing, or show him how to do it.

Not giving him an eviction notice! He's a child.

Teenagers can be complete cunts to every around them, and 15 is probably about the worst age for it. A bit of name calling is far from the worst trouble they could be getting in to. Your wife needs to learn that because it won't be long until she has a teenager of her own to tolerate.

Assuming ds has apologised to his step mum and been behaving better since I don't understand why she's now threatening to leave over it? Issuing ultimatums is far from mature behaviour, it's the sort of thing teenagers do!

Completely agree.

Hi OP. Been in similar situation as you, except I'm mum, step dad had 'comments under breath' from 15y old (now nearly 17y) over similar, mundane, normal teenage response to being asked to do anything.

Step dad and step daughter back to getting on, respect and love in the house, although like you, went through a turbulent period where he couldn't live with it, she couldn't. So I called a family meeting. Everyone put thoughts and feelings on table, I said my peace and what ground rules in this house were, how much love we all had even if tension made everyone forget. Took few months to get back on track with new rules for all.

Yeah you threatened to go to his mums, he is lucky he has has another sanctuary?? - however your younger child won't when they go through the teenage phase so perhaps don't threaten that again ;)

I would back your current wife up, tell your son although said under his breath, you will not tolerate it, you wouldn't expect others to speak to him that way, and don't expect him to speak like that about anyone else either, and next time he is frustrated, to explain why he didn't want to do 'x' or come talk later when he is calm. Also maybe ask him if anything is going on at school? Is he finding GCSEs stressful, does he need help? (Sometimes we take our frustrations out on those closest to us).

Hope this helps

Yep!!

A bit of family counselling wouldn't go amiss, a safe space for all of you to say how you feel and why. It might be quite enlightening.

Neither parent knows how to handle him. The stepmother has drawn her boundary. Both parents, including the mother, needs to step up before this lad thinks such behaviour towards women is fine.

Teenagers are arseholes. Threatening to exclude them from your house is not an appropriate reaction to anything but the most extreme situation, ie they are putting others at risk. If he was living with both bio parents would you have threatened to put him up for adoption? That was a shitty way of handling his poor behaviour.

Ultimately I think you should have handled things differently (and do your other bio kids have time at yours? You don't mention that) but if you have to choose then you should always choose your child.

Yet another example of the pitfalls of the 'blended families'

It sounds like you and wife#2 rushed into marriage and starting a family together without much thought for the 3 children you already had and your obligations to them

Sorry but I struggle to have much sympathy for the adults in this scenario but do feel some sympathy for your son. Yes, he is being an ungrateful brat but a lot of teenagers go through a horrible phase and it is your role to parent him effectively. Wife#2 married you knowing you already had 3DC so asking you to chose between her and your 15yo DS does not paint her in a great light.

Op how much time is he spending with his own mother?

Perhaps the issue here is that he needs to spend more time with his own mother, and not your wife.

Is he in counselling? Because it sounds to me like he is getting very very angry and this is being deflected on to an easy target ( his step mother) but maybe the issue is anger and resentment towards his mother and you possibly, just because she has other children doesn’t make your son any less important.

This needs to be faced head on, it feels like there is more to this.

Your son may need to spend much more time at his mothers to give your wife a break. It’s not easy raising teens. Be proactive.

Well, your wife will have to leave then won't she? What utterly childish behaviour, her threatening you, you threatening your son. No wonder he is struggling to learn appropriate behaviour if this is his environment.

You don't threaten to kick a child out of your house. How did you think this would make him feel more secure and improve things, when he'd already been rejected by his mother and sent to live with you?

Parent him properly. How much time do you spend with him 1:1 and actually speak to him? You are meant to be his role model and teach him how to become a responsible adult.

And tell your wife to grow up. It is normal for teens to push boundaries and she shouldn't have married someone with children if she wasn't prepared for the possibility of them living with the parent she was marrying.

You can’t just threaten to chuck kids out when they annoy you, simply because they have a second home. It’s lazy and shitty parenting.

What do you think people without that option do? Throw their kids in the street?

Maybe the stepmother is a bitch ... a lot of them are. I call people bitches all the time and I'm not a misogynist. I really hope you don't have sons. Women (I'm assuming) like you who are willing to throw serious accusations at young boys because they called someone a bitch are dangerous. When I was a teenager I called my mother all sorts of things under my breath it is normal behaviour. What isn't normal is to threaten to throw them out over it. I don't know why you are deliberating OP, you have already made your choice.

I agree but it seems his own mother did the same to begin with - sent him to his dad as he’s difficult. It’s not good though.

👆🏽💯

You don’t kick your child out of the house for calling someone a name. Unless your child is engaging in behaviors that require medical intervention and intensive therapy, your child stays with you.

telling your son that you love is conditional is going to make the problems worse. You need to work with him and get at the underlying problem.

I'm in a similar situation. I live with a man who I share two small children with. He's also the step-parent to my three children from a previous relationship.

Sometimes my teenage daughter is incredibly rude and disrespectful to him. Not once have either of us threatened to evict her or send her away in exile. She is our child and our shared responsibility.
He deals with her behaviour himself when she disrespects him, he doesn't make it my problem. His steps to repair relations when they break down are usually to immediately punish (often the removal of tech), then expect apology and discussion about why he won't accept that behaviour, and then to spend time with her to repair any rift.

This one is on you. It's not your wife's responsibility to sort out your wayward teen. It sounds like she's already doing more than enough.

Well stepmums are people and some people are nice and some aren’t. Same as some mums are bitches and some dads are arseholes and you can’t generalise. I do think the SM is being unreasonable here and the DS also is. Of course she doesn’t want to be called a bitch in her own home but he equally shouldn’t be calling her one. However they are a family and live together and should work through this, not insist that someone leaves.

I suspect the SM wants out for many other reasons and this is just a convenient excuse.

Effectively all of the adults in his life have rejected him and stated they don't want him around.

And you thought this would make him feel more stable and secure and improve his behaviour? You've treated him with contempt and he's responding in kind.

You need to put your kid first. He's been kicked out by his mum, he now has to live with someone who is nothing more than a random woman to him and at the first sign of teenage trouble you threaten to kick him out as well.

I'm not one bit surprised he's got some issues, no one asks the kids if they want their parents to split up, what parent they want to live with. whether they're happy for their parents to shack up with other random people or whether they want to be part of a blended family.

No one is putting this kid first and everyone needs to feel like they're a priority to someone when they're a child. You need to start prioritising your child.

While it’s horrible your son called your wife a bitch, I do feel like a lot of people are being a bit ridiculous assuming that a 15yo having to be nagged into chores means you’ve been an absent/ negligent dad. I will say there’s a lot of sense on here especially around your wife’s responsibilities and also that just wanting everyone to get along isn’t that faesible, like someone above said you all need to talk to each other. Best of luck though, 15 is an interesting age and your whole family sound like they could do with breathing space

Your son sounds like a normal teenager. A grown woman can fend for herself. A teenage boy can’t. You’ve got to put your son first.

It is normal teenage behaviour to moan at your parents.

It is not normal teenage behaviour to call someone (especially when they're not in fact one of your parents) a "bitch".

And "bitch" is indeed sexist, misogynistic and women should not be expected to tolerate it. If you use that term about other women, you should take a good long hard look at yourself.

You have not been ‘put’ in a situation, you have made your own life unduly complicated by having no less than four children with two different women. Parenting needs to be your number one occupation after earning a living, rather than leaving it to the women in your life.

I am not going to judge your wife as I don’t know what is going on for her. You are his father and need to make it absolutely clear to him that he cannot speak to women in that way, whether that is in the home, at school or in the workplace, otherwise his troubles will be just beginning. But at the same time you need to invest in your relationship together.

I remember a part in the book ‘Raising Boys’ which talks about teenage boys challenging their mothers and the value of a male role model (not necessarily a father) effectively reminding them of their place in the pecking order at that moment.

He is 15 im assuming year 11? They are under an enormous amount of pressure with their GCSEs right now my 15 year old is cracking under the pressure he has to take anti sickness meds just to get to school some days so maybe figure it out so there is less stress all round cracking the whip and making threats are "unhelpful"

Maybe your wife doesn't ask him to do chores when you are not in the vicinity...
This could be for 101 reasons....

Looking in from 2 posts, I don't think your DS does respect your wife. And equally, she doesn't have any input in regards to rules and behaviour in the household.
I wonder if this whole situation of your son moving in was put on her without listening to her concerns/ opinion. Maybe she felt that she didn't have a choice...
I've got a 14yo - they can be challenging at times and sweet as pie at other times.

In your shoes, have a conversation about her feelings. I think having a baby and an older child/ teenager moving in at the same time isn't as straightforward as you think. Time to listen and make appropriate changes.