Wife can’t live with my son

[Zihgty]

My wife and I have been together 6 years, we had our first child 4 years ago, and my son from a previous marriage moved in at the same time we had our baby (ex wife having trouble with him), and things have been ‘ok’ until recently when my son and wife have not been getting on- my son is almost 15 btw - he seems to resent her asking him to do things around the house, and when I was out for the eveing he called her a bitch. I spoke with him and told him if it happens again he can move back in with his mum, and things have been ok since.

However my wife now tells me I have to choose between him and her- if he stays she moves out, she’s not happy living with him.

Im so depressed that I’ve been put in this situation. My son’s mum is already looking after my 2 other kids, (11 and 16). Deep down I just want everyone to get along. I love my wife and want to have a happy life with her, my previous marriage failed and this time I’m sure it’s a good thing. I also don’t want to let my son down.

any advice appreciated.

It is obviously harder to resolve than “SM moves out” because OP and his DW have a child together too.

But honestly, OP saying “ behave or you go back to your mum” in the first instance opened the door for DW to think “ oh, ok, that is an option if he misbehaves”

Neither adult has done well here - but at least it seems DW has raised it with OP rather than with the teenager in anger!

Your children have to be your priority. Wife2 married you knowing you came with kids. Her choice to take you on as a package deal. If she can't handle the job, she shouldn't have signed up.
And this is why I would never date a man with kids, let alone marry him.

@Goldbar - this is exactly the point I'm making Goldbar. Your world is not the same as everyone else's world. The differences between you and a 15 yo boy are immense so stop projecting your shit on to him. He may well have not meant it as anything other than a word. To label him a sexist because of it is dangerous. You are a dangerous person.

It is obviously harder to resolve than “SM moves out” because OP and his DW have a child together too.

Of course it is. If she leaves OP can ask for 50/50 residency. That child will still have two parents and two homes. The alternative proposed by the OP's wife is that another one of his children is left with no home at all, rejected by all of the adults in his life who are meant to prioritise him above themselves.

@Startinganew32 if that's your experience - that's fine although I doubt people are going to be willing to talk about their shitty childhood experiences with their stepparents in that setting. On the flip side there are many many thousands of people who do not have that experience and id go as far as to say it is a biological fact of life that people have more tolerance for their biological children than they do for the children of other people. It's just the way it is. That's why when OPs younger kid with his wife is rude to their mum in 10 years or so she isn't going to kick them out. Because that child is her own child. That's why when my kid cries at a restaurant it doesn't bother me but when it's someone else's I want to die inside because I can't stand the sound of it.

Exactly

Yeah although we do know that sexism is a huge problem with men of all ages so why are we so blasé about a 15 year old calling an adult woman a bitch when she asks him reasonably to do something? It’s not beyond comprehension that this boy will still think it’s okay to call women bitches in a few years time when he’s an adult. Would you take the same “it’s normal” approach if a 15 year old called his female teacher a bitch for asking him to do some work? I remember some boys who did exactly that at my school. Generally they seem to have grown up to become vile pieces of shit as adults too.

Yikes, I'd feel a bit intimidated to be around a teen like that.
Brave enough to call her a bitch in her own home while there alone. That's a bit over powering I'd feel like I didn't want to live with same person if I didn't have to.

Exactly. I couldn’t tolerate the disrespect personally but that’s why I wouldn’t have kids with or even date a man who already has a child.

I know my triggers and limitations but I also feel it’s not my place to ask a child to leave their home even if that’s my home too.

You can’t just send him back to his mum irrespective of the fact she already has two of your other kids. He’s not just a parcel to be sent back when defective. He’s a real child navigating what many might feel is a difficult situation. “blended families” and divorced parents can be tough on kids. And what would happen if his mum decided she couldn’t cope either? Where does he go from there?

But either way he seems to be particularly disrespectful to women. You need to address that.

Well the child's own mother gave him an eviction notice first, so I suspect there is more to this than the OP is letting on. No one's biological mother kicks them out of the house before adulthood just because they muttered "bitch" one time.

And this is why I would never date a man with kids, let alone marry him.

Hear hear!

I’ve been called selfish for this by a man with 3 kids (and I have none!) but it’s the very opposite of selfish.

I know what can and does often happen and don’t want to be in that situation.

What loving wife makes a man she loves choose between her and his son ? That’s the most immature thing she could have done ,
of course he’s in terrible position .

I can't believe how quickly people (women) are jumping in to calling a boy 'misogynistic, narcissistic, disgusting' etc. A BOY. Not a man. Girls that age use the same language. They are testing and pushing boundaries. It must be so hard growing up in a world where boys are constantly accused of having serious personality disorders by girls and women who throw out buzz words from TikTok.

If I'm driving and someone cuts me up, I call them a wanker in a state of heightened emotion, nobody will diagnose me with a MH illness.

Unless it is a constant pattern of behaviour, the kid is being a kid and conversations need to happen but let's stop hammering down on boys and making them constantly feel like they are the enemies from a young age.

Well the child's own mother gave him an eviction notice first, so I suspect there is more to this than the OP is letting on. No one's biological mother kicks them out of the house before adulthood just because they muttered "bitch" one time.

You'd be surprised. Many do so because a step parent has demanded it over something trivial, as we see from this thread.

OP doing the same and compounding that damage rather than understanding the psychological impact that his mother behaving in this way to him has had on his som already and ensuring he feels secure and loved and trying to repair that damage, isn't a great idea, is it?

Threatening to kick him out would have been an horrendous thing to do at all, but to do it when his mother has already done the same and rejected him, at such a difficult age where teens feel very vulnerable anyway, is unforgiveable.

He should be putting all of his effort into building bridges with his son and giving him the support he quite clearly needs and telling his wife that it is completely non-negotiable that children are prioritised over romantic partners.

The fact that his wife has even suggested he throw his son out indicates very clearly that she has likely made his son feel resented and extremely unwelcome, which would explain him reacting to her with similar contempt. You cannot demand respect from people unless you treat them with respect - especially teenagers who have a very strong sense for injustice and hypocrisy - and it doesn't sound like the adults in his life have modelled any decency, respect, equity, responsibility or kindness in their behaviour to him, so him mirroring this back to them is hardly surprising really.

Depends on what’s going on here. If he’s abusive to her every time his dad is out of earshot it’s not that much of a reach is it. If it’s a total one off and she says it’s me or him then that’s different. But generally adults won’t tolerate too much awful behaviour from teens - that’s why schools would expel him if he called his teachers bitches on a regular basis. Or if he called his mates mum a bitch he wouldn’t be welcome round here. 15 is plenty old to take full responsibility for actions like this.

There was a thread on here a while back where a large 14 year old lad punched his grandmother in the gut because she wouldn’t let him play on his iPad. People were saying oooh he’s a child etc but yeah it’s the ones who as mid teens think it’s okay to hit or swear at people that grow into absolute twats as adults.

Yeah poor boys right? My heart bleeds. it’s not like male violence and abuse against women is at crisis levels is it?

So you think it’s a normal response then if someone asks you to put your washing basket outside your door to call them a bitch? That’s akin to you swearing on your own in your car when someone cuts you up on traffic?

I had (& still have to a degree but age 18 things are definitely improving) a 15year old DS who was absolutely VILE. It honestly nearly broke me and there is no way on god's earth I would put up with it if he wasn't my son so I do sympathise with your wife.
Unfortunately I think you made a big mistake by threatening to kick him out when it happened and IMO you need to make amends for this and step up more at home. Make sure your wife isn't involved in his parenting - no nagging for his washing, chivvying for homework, asking for help around the house. I don't mean he doesn't do it, but he has a chores rota and leaves it for you to manage. Ultimately though, yes you may have to make a choice if she is saying enough and wants him to go back to his mum but if you kick your DS out, don't exact him to come back to you any time soon if ever.

@Startinganew32 like I said - if there is a pattern of behaviour then it's a different story and of course it needs to be ironed out but from OPs responses it is an isolated event, their life is otherwise fine and we can all agree that hormonal teenagers act badly. I, as a female have definitely called my mum names under my breath for 'nagging' but no one would call me a narcissist then and I have grown up to be respectful and not call people names as a 30 year old now I know better.

So yes poor boys, we assume the worst and have 0 positive intent when something happens. For all we know he might have had an argument with a friend and something tipped him over the edge. We don't know, just as much as we don't know if he's a horrible abuser behind the scenes or just a normal kid navigating teenage hood.

Family counselling. Stat.

Yes I agree that it depends on whether it’s a pattern or not. If it was a one off then I agree the wife is unreasonable. However, if she’s getting shit like this on a regular basis of course she won’t tolerate it and why should she? And if it is a regular pattern then yes absolutely I’d be worried that he will grow into a misogynistic abusive pos. A huge number of women are subjected to abuse from men and also sexual violence. It’s not one random guy going round doing it - it means that a not insignificant proportion of the male population is engaging in this behaviour. A huge problem is mums minimising behaviour and saying “not my son” when we know that very often yes, it is your son. That’s why I would be really worried about this sort of thing at 15 and would want to take steps to address it.

I'm surprised by some of these responses, I think your wife is being totally unreasonable - she chose to get into a relationship with a man with 3 kids. You can't just drop one of them when it becomes too much.....well, she can - but it's UR.

First and foremost your priority should be your son. Your wife is free to leave, get her own place, whatever - your son can't do that at 15. You've only got another couple of years and he'll be off, don't ruin your relationship with him now.

I highly doubt she'll leave - she just wants rid, i'd call her bluff and tell her you think it's for the best! What is she going to do if your 4 year old isn't a perfect teenager? From what you've described your son isn't behaving differently to any other teen on the planet - at 15 I could've happily throttled my DD, but we got through it, and she's a normal human being now

So yeah, I'm surprised at the responses - but if your wife had posted instead I'm pretty sure she would've been roasted. Stepmum's don't get an easy ride on here usually.

You are making him sound quite reasonable, Zihngty. No doubt your wife would have more to say but we'll never know.

I am concerned that his mother didn't want him a few years ago when he was still quite a young child. You haven't said why, presumably he was a handful but so are many kids. Her other two may be the same in time but most mothers don't go as far as kicking them out.

Your current wife obviously doesn't think of him as part of her family, despite him having lived with her for years. I wonder how she will feel if the little one grows up and behaves obnoxiously.

As someone else suggested, all parties need to sit down together and discuss the problem in a straightforward manner but calmly.

I can understand you are conflicted but you must be a consistently good father to this boy, he needs that, all children need stability. He can't be a very happy kid.

Good luck.

I do agree with this though - 15 year old boys can be huge and intimidating!

@Startinganew32 of course. Nobody here is undermining statistics on female violence etc.

The point I'm making is (with the information we have to hand here) is that we've gone from

• teenage son calls wife a bitch one time and doesn't want to do chores

to

• he is a vile, misogynistic, narcissist who is going to grow up to abuse women and I could never live with someone like that

Bit extreme.

Entitled man blending a family and being disappointed because everyone is not singing to
his tune and filling his needs.

Next.