Wife can’t live with my son

[Zihgty]

My wife and I have been together 6 years, we had our first child 4 years ago, and my son from a previous marriage moved in at the same time we had our baby (ex wife having trouble with him), and things have been ‘ok’ until recently when my son and wife have not been getting on- my son is almost 15 btw - he seems to resent her asking him to do things around the house, and when I was out for the eveing he called her a bitch. I spoke with him and told him if it happens again he can move back in with his mum, and things have been ok since.

However my wife now tells me I have to choose between him and her- if he stays she moves out, she’s not happy living with him.

Im so depressed that I’ve been put in this situation. My son’s mum is already looking after my 2 other kids, (11 and 16). Deep down I just want everyone to get along. I love my wife and want to have a happy life with her, my previous marriage failed and this time I’m sure it’s a good thing. I also don’t want to let my son down.

any advice appreciated.

Yeah of course but your points about her moving into their home aren’t quite the same as if he had them full time. Anyway, yes I do agree that you accept that there is always a chance that your DP’s kids will come and live with you full time and she has lived with him full time for four years and the OP didn’t say anything about her being difficult about him moving in or anything.

But obviously it depends on what happens when living together. If I was regularly being verbally abused by a teenager I wouldn’t like it either, whether or not they were my biological child. And if they weren’t my child and I had another child who i didn’t want to grow up seeing it as normal for men/boys to call women in their lives bitches then I might consider leaving the relationship if I didn’t think I could continue living in that environment. Which is pretty much what the wife has done. Just as I’d end a marriage if it became abusive even if I promised I’d be with them forever.

Those are horrendous parents also, then. You knowing some other horrendous parents doesn't make them any less horrendous than these ones.

I guess it depends on your view of someone taking and dealing drugs in a house where there were younger siblings 🤷‍♀️
if it’s no biggie to you then okay I suppose. Other reasons included serious physical assault of parents and younger children. Again, if you’re cool with that then yeah I guess no need to kick anyone out.

There are similarities in another post today in AIBU where the stepson called the stepfather a dick.

Inevitably the responses seem to have gone in opposite directions

If a child is involved you go by what’s best for the child. What does he need?

If I was the woman in question I would move myself out rather than suggesting the child should be bounced back to his mother again.

My son is very polite, affectionate boy but once in anger he called me "bitch" under his breath. I told him it's unacceptable and explained what consequences will follow if he does it again but I didn't threaten him to kick him out of his home.

What will happen when your second child becomes teenagers and does something problematic, nasty or stupid (as teenagers sometimes do). Will he/she also be asked to leave her/his home?

You have two children. They are equally yours. One can't be treated as less important or second class just because you don't share him with your new partner. Especially when he already went though trauma of his family being shattered and being replaced with a lovely new shiny unit or 3 that he's not a real part of. Do you have any idea how difficult it is for a child? You moved on to your happy new life. Your son didn't and didn't chose any of this.
If your wife doesn't understand that she was always a wrong person to have a new baby and the whole blending business with. The existing children should ALWAYS come first.

However you also need to make sure that everyone in the house feels safe, comfortable and respected. You absolutely do need to step up with parenting and reassure your wife you will do all the work necessary to resolve this issue. Your son's rude behaviour has to stop and it's job as a parent to deal with it.

With respect, I sense it’s you that’s the problem here.
You need to get over the ‘woe is me attitude’ that this situation (of your own design) is making you depressed, and start to mediate and set the expectations and boundaries for everyone. Focus on working through problems by communicating instead of giving ultimatums and having to make choices between people.
Also be mindful that at 15 your son is at a poignant age and will need a supportive father around, rather than being shipped off to the ex at the first signs of trouble.

Yes I broadly agree. I do think it’s different though if you’re having an argument with a teen/child. Let’s say you tell them that they can’t stay out late or go to the party they want to go to or have the latest trainers. Then I could imagine bitch being muttered in anger, although I’d still find it very disrespectful. I can’t see it so much where someone asks you to put your laundry basket outside your door and your immediate response is to call that person a bitch. That’s a bit different. And if it happens regularly (the OP says not but I’m not so sure) then that is a big problem and not something most people would want to live with. As a step parent you generally aren’t in charge of discipline so if you have someone regularly verbally abusing you but can’t do much about it, I can see why leaving would seem tempting.

But yes hopefully there will be a way where everyone in the house can respect one another and live together in peace.

You say that in your last sentence as if that's not so bad - and he clearly is not "well behaved all the time except for...". If he were, you wouldn't be in this position. Stop minimising your son's bad behaviour towards women. Are you part of the problem? Genuinely?

When you made the decision 15 years ago, to have your son, you made the decision to care for him until he is at least 18. That's a given.

So I'm not sure what advise you're after really as you obviously can't kick your son out.

If your wife says she can't live with him, (and there's no way I would want to live with someone else's teenage son either and so I wouldn't get involved with anyone where that might become a possibility) then that's her choice. Your options are divorce or live separately but stay married.

You have made this bed when you ploughed on in to a new relationship and a fourth child, without seeming to consider your existing children and their potential needs.

Have you asked your son is he ok? There may be more going on for him than you realise. He's at that age when Gcse's are looming, he's trying to find his identity etc. My daughter lives 50/50 with me & her Dad. The first day back with me she is vile & opinionated. As the days go on she's back to her lovely self. She feels disjointed as the family is split, as may your son.
I'm not saying your son was in the right for swearing at your wife, but maybe something is bothering him.
Good luck teenagers are hard work, even when they're not swearing at you.

The minute someone called me a bitch in my own house they’re off. Or I am.

But this is precisely why I wouldn’t enter in to a relationship with a man with children.

She married him knowing he had kids . You do turf your kids because they said a bad word , displayed an aggressive reaction to something . He’s bloody 15 , you can’t tell at 15 you were that in control of your feelings

I personally was and genuinely never swore at any adult but obviously not everyone is the same. I think they need a family chat and the child needs to apologise and then hopefully they can move on and it won’t happen again.

But “she knew he had kids” doesn’t excuse him being vile to her. Not all teens are like this at all and don’t call their parents or stepparents slurs for making reasonable requests. Also if she’s not allowed/able to discipline him I can understand if she thinks the best option is leaving.

You’re back tracking OP.

You said they haven’t been getting on recently. Before that it was just ‘ok’. You also said he resents her telling him to do things.

Now you say he’s well-behaved apart from this one time.

Clearly his behaviour isn’t great. He disrespected his mother so badly she let him go and live with you. Now he’s disrespecting your wife. Where has he learned to disrespect women?

Rather than threaten to send him back to his mum’s (no guarantee she will agree to this!) you should be talking to him about his attitude to women who are senior to him. He needs to learn fast because women don’t just do housework and nag about laundry these days. They have senior jobs and are in charge of teams that include men.

Your wife has likely been cleaning up after him, feeding him, doing his laundry etc for years. Maybe after the bitch comment she’s decided enough is enough.

Also have you actually asked her how he has been lately? You’re vague about that.

You and your wife should also sit him down and get an apology from him. And make it clear that it’s you and your wife’s house and you and your wife’s rules. And when he’s asked to do reasonable things then he does them. Because we all have to do things we don’t want to sometimes when we work as a team.

Be a good role model and if your wife is doing all the grunt work at home, make sure you thank her regularly in front of him for all the unpaid work she does to make your lives comfortable.

I agree that step parents aren't programmed to tolerate children in the same way as their own. And absolutely they shouldn't be expected to. The resentment most often comes not from resenting the step children themselves but frustration and anger over the piss poor job the original parents - both the mum and the dad - do at co-parenting. Allowing bad behaviour, a sense of entitlement that only their wants and needs should be respected, and lack of empathy all round. It's not a stepparents sole job to make a blended family work, but any problems are usually placed solely at their feet.

I would be heartbroken but I would be helping my DP pack his bags.

Your child is always going to come first.

He’s a teen and is going to be a pain but if your DW can’t cope with that then it’s on her to move out.

Unfortunately, some women get with men with kids and don’t like the idea of the kids moving in FT and I wonder if that’s what’s happened here.

Your wife is being an utter child here, I can't believe the responses in this thread (well I can actually, it would likely be different were the child a daughter). It sounds like she has never accepted your son as part of her family, and to be honest in your position I'd be packing her bags for her and working out joint custody for your 4yo

This is a great post

Poor kid. Tell your wife that her demands are unreasonable- it’s one blip and teens can be challenging at times which is completely normal

Woe is you ... fgs

Grow a pair and support your wife to teach your son some manners and responsibility.

Sorry OP you sound hopeless.

If his own mother can’t endure his behaviour then your wife shouldn’t have to either.

I honestly feel for your son. First of all his biological Mum sends him to you when she has two other siblings of his living with her. Then you threaten to send him back to her. It sounds to me like he has had a rough time and built up resentment. He probably doesn't feel wanted or welcome anywhere with both of his biological parents acting like this. You need to be a parent and not act like DS isn't your responsibility. I think that DS might be questioning where he belongs or if anyone wants him at all. He really has been through a lot. So will need to be shown some love. Maybe try spending time with him doing things that you both enjoy or that you know he enjoys to help him. I also agree with other PP that you, ex wife, current wife and DS need to have a chat together.

Wife absolutely should be in charge of discipline to some extent. Although I agree the father should do the most parenting, she also should be allowed to say something and hold some authority as an adult in the house. They live together. They can't function as some sort of separate units.

I made it really clear the behaviour has to be stopped and father needs to step up, however we can't just simply decide to get rid of our children because they became difficult teenagers! That's when they need us the most.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees this on MN.

Son’s are treated very different to daughters on here.

And if this was a reverse and OP was a woman and her DH was asking her to choose between him or her child, then not one person would be talking negatively about OP or the child.
They would all be telling her to LTB.

I would be gutted that my relationship had come to an end but a man telling me to choose between him and my DD would be it for me.

There’s no working through it because that one statement would be enough for it to be over.

Right. So now posting things that were nothing to do with this discussion whatsoever. Rightho.