Wife can’t live with my son

[Zihgty]

My wife and I have been together 6 years, we had our first child 4 years ago, and my son from a previous marriage moved in at the same time we had our baby (ex wife having trouble with him), and things have been ‘ok’ until recently when my son and wife have not been getting on- my son is almost 15 btw - he seems to resent her asking him to do things around the house, and when I was out for the eveing he called her a bitch. I spoke with him and told him if it happens again he can move back in with his mum, and things have been ok since.

However my wife now tells me I have to choose between him and her- if he stays she moves out, she’s not happy living with him.

Im so depressed that I’ve been put in this situation. My son’s mum is already looking after my 2 other kids, (11 and 16). Deep down I just want everyone to get along. I love my wife and want to have a happy life with her, my previous marriage failed and this time I’m sure it’s a good thing. I also don’t want to let my son down.

any advice appreciated.

This.

Sorry, but when you start a relationship with someone with kids, the person and their kids come as a package. You can't just exclude the other person's kids from their own home and parent, anymore than you could just kick your own kid out.

The wife of the OP needs to understand this. You as the Father need to hold firm on this.

Family therapy might help you all.

But if you wife asks you to chose between her and your child, you need to chose your child. Every parent's primary responsibility is always to their child.

Absolutely this! I’ve been teaching for almost two decades and even the nicest kids have off days!

Does your wife have much experience of teens as this - whilst not nice - isn’t uncommon. If he apologised and has been better since then I’d get over it. He’s pushing boundaries, learning, maturing etc.

That being said, threatening to ‘send him back’ to mum’s wasn’t kind. You are not helping him here. He’s going to resent your wife and his sibling too. Will they get ‘sent away’ for similar behaviour the future? No, as they are lucky enough to have both parents living together.

Where do your other children live?

I am sure I called my mum a cnt and she heard. I've been on my knees with my own child before and scribbled cnt probably ten times in my diary.

It's not ok but come on. You need to understand exactly why your wife feels this way. It's not over this. What will you do about it? He needs proper material consequences in response to being so disrespectful. The answer is not 'do it again you're out.' That's terrible.

I'm guessing there are other issues if his mum can't manage him? And I don't mean mum is an idiot who can't discipline.

This shouldn't be a controversial point of view. It should be the universally accepted point of view.

I wonder if this whole situation of your son moving in was put on her without listening to her concerns/ opinion. Maybe she felt that she didn't have a choice...

Why would she expect to have a choice? This is DSS's home. If he wants to live with his Dad or needs to because his mother won't care for him then of course he will do so.

This is implicit in marrying someone with children: no matter what the current arrangements are, a time may come when the children live with the parent you are marrying, and if you would not be happy with that then you shouldn't marry someone who is a parent.

Are you seriously suggesting his father should have said "no, you can't live here" and left him homeless at 15 because his new wife wouldn't like his son living with him?!

Her "choice" was at the point that she decided to marry somebody with children.

I think you need to make it clear to your wife there are only two options: that DS lives with you or she leaves (and you get 50/50 custody of your joint child). Kicking an obviously troubled 15 yo out yet again should never be an option.

@Zihgty what has your wife said are her reasons for wanting him gone?

One thing to consider (and I am not saying this is the case) is that this is the sort of age and size where women are acutely aware - even with their own kids - that they are suddenly taller and stronger and essentially men in build. But the boys themselves don’t really have this awareness.

So - say - a 12 year old standing in the doorway to be mildly obnoxious and block the way is a different kettle of fish to a near 15 year old doing it, especially if it’s not a teen you know backwards.

Is this not what his own mum did?

This teenage lad is probably feeling a lot of confusion, and needs an appropriate outlet. I can't imagine my mum giving up on me, and my dad threatening to give up on me while other kids in both houses are given preferential treatment.

I do feel like a lot of people are being a bit ridiculous assuming that a 15yo having to be nagged into chores means you’ve been an absent/ negligent dad.

No, the suggestion that OP isn't a good dad comes from 1. his threat to throw his son out over some bad language 2. the assumption that this is not a once off moment that has driven his wife to ask him to take sides, but more likely a cumulative effect of poor parenting, poor behaviour etc, possibly from all three of them.

Well this is the only answer you need…

@SheilaFentiman I think this is an excellent point. My son is ND so we have an added level of challenge. I now, in teen years, feel significantly more concerned by any strong challenge to me than his father would to him ( Father being a strong man over 6ft). Me, 5ft something, live alone and very unwell. There's an element of vulnerability for women sometimes.

Maybe step mum is a ' bitch'. There's possibly alot more going on. Either way, dad must be strong and show him how to behave.

@Goldbar where are you getting your normal from? When I was 15 my mum was a bitch. My teachers were bitches. And that was tame. You are attaching sexism to that term - to him it is most likely just a word. Like asshole or cunt or whatever. You need to look at your self to determine why you are projecting your world view on to a 15 year old that you don't know.

Chances are she’s not a bitch and that this boy is more troubled than we are told seeing as his mum struggled with him too. And he probably thinks it’s fair game to verbally abuse his stepmum. If she was genuinely just a bitch she probably wouldn’t have lasted 6 years. I think it’s important to tackle the behaviour now though - it’s all “he’s just a child” now but in three years time when he’s an adult, we call males who call women bitches abusive misogynists. Yes a lot of teenage boys call their mums and stepmums names and behave appallingly. And a LOT of adult men do the same and are very abusive to women in their lives. So it’s not something that we should assume he will grow out of - he is 15, not three.

You've done a quick responsibility pass from your ex to your wife.

It's YOUR job to parent him not hers.

You should have been the one telling him what you required from him in your home.

She has enough on her plate without having someone else's difficult adolescent landed on her.

Did you actually call your parents that though? Because I never did and wouldn’t have dreamed of it. And nor would my friends. I remember going to one girls house though - she was new at our school. She said to her mum “why don’t you fucking kill yourself - we all know you want to” and then laughed. I was so mortified and never went back to her house. I think she had a personality disorder in hindsight.

@Startinganew32 stepmothers are people and people are not programmed to tolerate other peoples children to the same degree that they tolerate their own. And they shouldn't be expected to. Personally, I think step parents, blended families etc are almost always a bad idea. For every one person that has a good experience there are 50 that are left traumatised, frustrated and angry at the situation- both the kids and the adults. So that's why I said stepmothers can be bitches. Not bad people in general but they naturally reject the children that aren't their own. Look at the stepparent threads. Full of people who resent their step kids.

It sounds like normal teenage behaviour, I think saying you will send him back to his mothers is a bit much. There must be some other things going on with your wife, are you ignoring her? Are you connected to her?

It is not normal to call women "bitches".

It is a word used to shut girls and women down. And it is very much gendered. Like "karen" or "bossy".

I don't know what world you live it where this is a perfectly normal, unisex and standard insult for a teenager to use, but it's not the same one I live in. For me and most people I know, using the word "bitch" would instantly peg someone as being unpleasant, ignorant and sexist.

It might be a better idea for him to focus on his son.

His wife is an adult and should start to behave like one.

In the OP's position I'd be ending that marriage due to her having tried to blackmail me into throwing my child out of the house.

I agree, ‘Karen’ is the new ‘hysterical’

it is normal for teenagers to say and do awful things though.

Would she try couples counselling?
No one should ask you to choose between your children and your relationship...but perhaps shes totally burnt out ..
I mean it is fairly standard teenage behaviour to say these things every now and again

You get the unhappy ones on the stepparenting forums but I know loads of happy ones. I teach uni students and we did a session on families for one of the modules and it was full of positive stories about blended families and people saying things like “he’s actually my stepdad but I call him my dad” and “I see my stepsiblings as just as much my real siblings”. I think there was the odd comment from one or two who didn’t get on with a blended family but in real life the majority of people I know with step families love and care for them. On Mumsnet though they are seen as a terrible thing which is odd given the number of threads about absolutely terrible biological dads where you’d think anything would be an improvement.

I agree. And if it comes to a choice I know who I would pick.