Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

He's my half brother, grew up in a different part of the country to me and is 13 years younger. He grew up as an only child.

@MorettiForMargo This is SO accurate! And lots of replies referring to the SD as a ‘little madam’ and anecdotes of being turfed out at 18 and same time stand on their own two feet and they are FINE and ‘you deserve to have a happy home life, you’ve sacrificed enough’

I'm afraid that you can't claim that your child means everything to you and that you're a great dad in the same breath as the rest of the opening post.

It is rather a stark choice between daughter and your girlfriend because your daughter needs you to postpone moving your girlfriend in until she's older, whilst your girlfriend cannot biologically wait 5+ years (and really deliberately conceiving a baby at 55+ is ethically highly questionable).

I think you owe it to your girlfriend to let her find someone in a position to have a child now or gonit alone. If you decide to go ahead and try to conceive a baby now to keep your girlfriend you need to own the fact that you're very actively and deliberately choosing not to be a great dad to the child you already have.

The OP isn't even divorced yet.

I would love to know why his wife walked out on him.

I wonder how much parenting he did before his wife left, given that he's now horrified and housebound by the constraints of single parenthood.

Then they're not compatible. New partner (of 6 months!) can go and find someone in a position to have a child immediately.

Yadnbu
I don’t think you are being unreasonable, and I think you sound like a lovely father. You very obviously care a lot or you wouldn’t have come on here asking for advice.

Personally I definitely don’t think you should put your life on hold.

It’s not long before they’re off to university or whatever, and some offspring will always find a stick to beat you with, when in reality you have done everything to support them. I don’t know how old your DD is, but she does sound quite self-centered (sorry),

To be fair any woman - no matter how seriously provoked by their spouse - who walks out on their Dc and doesn’t give that relationship emergency tlc has me eyebrow raising. The op has at least stuck by the DD.

Housebound 😂😂 That’s even worse than when men say they are babysitting their children. OP YABVU.

Urgh. Self centred? She's a literal child. The only person being self centred here is OP Mememememe in all of his replies. Claiming to be housebound when he goes to the gym and has a job and a GF.

He doesn't want advice; he wants to feel vindicated in his choices which is clear in his defensive replies to those telling him it's a bad idea.

Are you seriously telling me you think it's a good idea to move in and impregnate a GF of six months when he only split up with her mother thjs year?

Do you really believe that? Where do you think DD is when he's at the gym, out for his runs or on his dates? Especially given he apparently has no support system at all because he is a man.
Almost certainly with her mum.

It’s not long before they’re off to university or whatever
7 - 8 years in this case.

......and some offspring will always find a stick to beat you with, when in reality you have done everything to support them
By moving your new girlfriend in, just a few weeks after the "offspring's" mother walked out? Very supportive.

I don’t know how old your DD is, but she does sound quite self-centered
She's 12. If you'd RTFT you'd know this. She is a young girl whose mother has abandoned her, less than ten months ago.

But surely he hasn’t fibbed that she lives with him. To me that does support the idea that the relationship isn’t great between mother and DD.

ETA it’s the fact I do take his word that that relationship isn’t strong that makes DD’s claim on his relationship with her even stronger as I see it.

The OP has at least stuck by the DD

Yes, give the man an award immediately.

Sorry if anyone has said this already but if you have a baby you will be “housebound” again.
you’re already a dad and your daughter is going through the toughest years of her life without a mum. She needs you, and any potential girlfriend would be her stepmom, that would be the important relationships. There’s no need to have a baby.

I suspect that's the last we've seen of the OP.

Yea, I've seen parents saying how they decided not to date until their kids are adults. If you're one of those and think that's the only sensible way, well good for you. Others don't have to live your way. I agree that he shouldn't rush things, but waiting 5 years when he's going to be approaching 60 is ridiculous.

At 13, she can stay alone for an hour or two. Not to mention that he can go when she's at school.

Any relationship requires time, so even if she finds someone around her age, she would still have to wait. When I was 38 and desperate to have a second child and unhappy about some things in my relationship, I calculated that it was better to stick around than having a chance of not being able to have children again with someone else.

He's the one that said he was "housebound"

(1) Unless you are married which I do not think will be happening for awhile, do not allow some chippy to move into your home over your kid. Keep your relationship and your child's only place of safety separate.
(2) Talk with your daughter and get behind what she is afraid of. Sounds to me like abandonment. She has already been thrown away by her mother and now she is going to lose you to some harpy as well? Can you imagine how disposable and unimportant your baby feels?
(3) You don't say how long you have been divorced and whether or not your daughter ever got counseling to help her adjust. If that step was overlooked, sign both of you up for family therapy immediately. She has a lot to unpack at such a a young age.
(4) Are you spending as much time with your daughter as you did before this relationship began? You need to prioritize your kid until she goes off to college. Yeah I know you want to get your freak on and all that, but you already got what you want (a wife and a divorce and a girlfriend) while all your baby did was LOSE THINGS. Did you ever consider that Dad?
(5) Grandpa aged men should not be having babies. You get her pregnant and she has a kid when you are so 52/53... by the time that kid graduates from high school you will be a completely white haired social security collecting 70 years old! Really? in what imaginary world is his a sane idea? Plus old men create defective babies (check stats for verification). You may FEEL like you are young, but fact is your body is not. Statistically old men 50+ have a higher incidence of children born with learning disabilities and birth defects. In other words, there is very little positive that can come out of you trying to make a baby at 52 years of age.
(6) Yes, your daughter will be an adult in 5 years BUT SHE AIN'T ONE NOW!!! Stay present. Deal with what is going on right now. You and that trifling ex-wife of yours need to stop being so selfish and only thinking about yourself and YOUR needs.

Our job as parents is to protect, educate, love, care for and support our children's growth and maturation into responsible, productive adults. Please prioritize that job over your love life. Do not do things that you may later regret when your child develops emotional problems and becomes distant from you because you neglected her needs in favor of your own.

There's always one. People die at any age you know.

There's a fair bit of space between immediately and in 5 years isn't there?

I think its a fair point- being a single dad must be really isolating. Men don't have the social networks women have and single dads are fairly unusual. And if course being a sole parent brings a lot of housework and life admin.

However OP most of what you've written suggests you want more freedom.

I understand you wanting a partner, but do you actually want a baby (as well as still being the sole parent of your DC)? You may find after the initial joy of having company you're tied down and busier than before. Imagine a life with a woman of any age who doesn't want a baby, or a 50 year old with a grown up DC and the lifestyle you'd have (whether she lived with you or not) compared to a baby and just be sure which you prefer.

Just a thought.

I didn’t say that gives him the right to disregard his DD’s interests. I think he’s being transparently selfish about that and came on here for conscience clearance ( which he didn’t get). But he does seem so far to have been there for his dd more
than the the mother. However that only intensifies her dependence on her relationship with him, and provides further reason why he can’t just disregard her anxieties about bringing in a newbie gf and impregnating her asap. But there’s no point in a broad- brush vilification of him.

Why doesn't he have a support network though? He's had 13 years to build one. He might be a new single dad, but he's far from a new dad. Wonder how much babysitting he has offered up to his mates over the years?