Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I agree with other posters. What an utterly vile post!

The fact is many of them today at this stage of life are either left to run wild with little or no boundaries or so closeted in a world where they are so protected from life's hardships they find it difficult to deal with reality.

This describes exactly zero of the young teens I know

You can’t give all your love and free time if you’ve been in a relationship with a woman you care about for 6 months 🤔 I thought you said you were always open and transparent with her.

He’s got an incredibly high opinion of himself, that’s for sure 😂

You said your wife had left this year - so you’ve not been alone a year. When did she leave? January? May? You’ve been dating this woman for 6 months, so if your wife left early jan that’s only 4 months between then and meeting your current gf. Presumably she wasn’t the very first person you met on OLD - if that’s where you met, unless you were extremely lucky, so you would have been actively dating and seeking someone pretty soon after the split - which your daughter would probably have been aware of. Not massively great for her sense of security and self esteem, bless her when she’s had to adjust to her mother walking out and a huge change to her home life.

Just wanted to say without being too judgemental, don't you think you're jumping into this a bit quickly with the new woman.
You've only known her 6 months, it's not really long enough to move in with her and get her pregnant.
This would be the advise on here if you were a woman asking about a new man you had meet.

I really think without the added, upset it would cause your daughter, you need to go slower with the new girlfriend.It doesn't matter if she's really keen to be pregnant.
Think of all the trouble this will cause everyone involved if it doesn't work out.
It's a massive move having a child you know yourself you will be tied for life together.

No your daughter doesn't get to decided who you date, if yiu may date someone.
I have seen two men I know well get too quickly invoved and the relationships didn't last.
Maybe it will, she's right for you, but don't go bringing aother child into it yet.Even if it's just because you're thinking of yourself, it diesn't sound like it would be easy.

As I said in previous posts, I think moving on with a new partner is fine if it's done sensitively and with the child's best interests in mind.
The thing that doesn't ring true with the OP's story though is the idea that he's "practically housebound", puts his daughter first but has found the time to work, go to the gym and date while being a full time parent.

When my exH and I split up the kids stayed with me full time and I definitely couldn't fit the dating bit in.🤷‍♂️

It sounds like you're seeing it as your marriage has been over effectively for 4 years, but for your DD, her parents only split up this year. You're also saying you've been alone for a year, but that doesn't stack up if you split with your wife this year and been with gf for 6 months. So you're pushing your POV that you've been alone a long time and fear being alone forever hence this gf is your right, whereas the reality is you've barely caught your breath from separating and you're dating again with a 6mo relationship that you've already told your DD about and are considering future babies. It is way too much for your DD who not only has had her world fall apart with her parents split, but also hasn't gone to the normal co-parenting situation but has no mum in her life day to day which is a huge thing for a teenage girl to cope with. The fact that her relationship with her mum wasn't good doesn't make it better that she's having to deal with this. It just adds to the complexities she's having to cope with. You could easily lighten her load by not prioritising your dating life for the time being. It absolutely would not leave you housebound or single for life. That's just self-centred hyperbole and I think you know it if you're honest with yourself.

OP as someone who's been through this, I'll share my experience. Divorced when DD was 6, met someone when DD was 9. He was ready to move in when DD was 12. They get on great, but DD said she didn't want him to move in. He understood and is happy to wait. Upon reflection, 2 years later, I can see it was the right decision. It's such a tricky time for children and they need so much emotional stability. It has been so worth it putting my DD's need for stability first. You really can't put a value on their mental and emotional health. You only have one chance not to mess this parenting thing up.

I’m speculating massively here, but if he met someone that quickly, she’s either a colleague or “friend” he’s known for a while.

Men have exactly as much support if they put as much effort into nurturing relationships with people they didn't want to sleep with

You've got so defensive on this thread, and I get it. But if you can't see the difference between your wants and needs (a relationship) and your daughter's perspective, or the woman you're currently seeing's perspective about having a child, then you're a lost cause and frankly stand to lose the relationship with your child.

If you're such a good dad, then prove it by putting her first. Your wife left six months ago, you already have a girlfriend of six months, your daughter isn't ready, the girlfriend is desperate for a baby...this is a mess.

(Also: in my previous post I missed a "you're" that should've been a "your". Please consider this my correction!)

But you give your daughter all your spare time? Do you mean all the spare time you have outside of the gym, running and having a 6 month relationship? Bizarre mentality and blind justification. What an amazing lack of self awareness and victim hood. And you’re ‘housebound’ during the week too?! So gym, running and gf all take place at the weekend. Which means your daughter sees you when you finish work after school, essentially in the evening. What amazing quality time you must share. 👏🏻

I’ve read all your replies carefully. I think you have to resign yourself to living separately from your girlfriend for at least a couple of years , see where you are then. Your daughter may know her better by then , have resolved the issues with her mother and feel more secure. It’s really not fair to even think of moving your gf in at this time, let alone think of having a child with her.

Im not sure why you are housebound either. Surely your daughter is old enough to be left for a couple of hours in the evening sometimes?

I'm not sure why you are housebound either. Surely your daughter is old enough to be left for a couple of hours in the evening sometimes?

He must leave her when he goes to shag the new girlfriend.

😂

This ^.

@HopperDash I can't believe the bitterness on this thread. You sound like a good, loving caring Dad to me.

This ^

Another great perspective for you, @HopperDash

You run and go to the gym almost every day, but in your second post you say that you are 'housebound', @HopperDash - both cannot be true.

I cannot go anywhere without someone driving me and dropping me at the door (thanks to long covid exhaustion/breathlessness). I go out once a week, to the library for a knitting group, and otherwise, I am at home. That is much closer to housebound, in my humble opinion.

Far from a great perspective, it doesn't even make any sense.

The poster is both encouraging him to be a dad at 50 and saying he should wait 3-4+ years to move his partner in.

I don't really know why you bothered posting as you clearly aren't interested in the responses. You've decided that you're not selfish and that it's reasonable to prioritise your own happiness over and above the happiness of your daughter, so crack on. It doesn't really matter what we think on here, it will be for your daughter to decide whether or not she can forgive you.

The ageism on this thread has been depressing. I am an older parent so I know only too well that it isn’t the ideal and that it brings problems. I wanted to have children younger but for various reasons not worth going into here I could not, and I was not about to give up just because I was older.

Most people on this thread probably don’t know a really extended family tree, but if you could see back a few generations or even less I would make a prediction….if it weren’t for a woman having children over 40 and/or men over 50 doing so, there may be very few if any of us on this thread would exist. So unless you would prefer to erase the existence of yourself and your children it’s logical to be accepting of older parents. Going back before family planning most people started quite young, but also went on having children…so yes sometimes they were welcoming a new child and a new grandchild at the same time. Perish the thought for many of you but that is literally life.

Extrapolating from the OP's situation to generalised ageism feels like looking for something to take offence at. And arguing that it's logical to accept older parents otherwise we'd be erased is another very generalised argument while you yourself admit it's not ideal and brings problems. Most posts here are dealing with the specific problems of the OP's scenario which are very far from ideal. We don't have to be cheering him on just because in days of yore there was a whole tradition of guys over 50 marrying women way young than OP's girlfriend. Lots of things happened in our ancestral family trees that we don't have condone in order to be glad we exist today.

We can't disagree with things our ancestors did hundreds of years ago that resulted in the birth of offspring otherwise we're saying we want to erase our own existence? 🤔

You've made some big leaps there to demonise people who disagree with having children in very late life!

I imagine a lot of my ancestors were born as a result of no contraception, date rape, rape between husband and wife not being recognised, abortion being illegal.. all sorts of things that I have every right to disagree with regardless of them having resulted in my existence several generations on.

No, I am not looking for something to take offence at, although it is something I am sensitive about! I agree though that it is somewhat off topic as the OP’s situation is about other complexities too.

I don’t think there was a huge tradition of guys over 50 marrying really young women, more that they just kept going until the wife was too old to bear more children.

Yes I see your point. I really do. I do think though that the terrible things you mention are not really similar to just letting nature take its course during a marriage and having children within the timespan dictated by natural biological circumstance.

I hate the reductive idea that anyone with a different view to the OP is "bitter".
I expect the OP will do as you say and will go ahead and do exactly what he wants with no real respect of his daughter's wishes.
And I hope it works out - for her sake.

But he runs the risk of damaging the relationship he has with her which he is so proud of and has clearly worked hard to establish.
Why take that risk right now?

No one has been saying he has to avoid relationships forever but, as others have pointed out, it hasn't been the same experience for his daughter & this situation is still new.
She's a child fgs and she is telling him her truth around this. A "very, very good dad" would listen and listen well, not ignore her and forge ahead regardless.