Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

@cheshirebloke

you should be able to get back some independence of your own.

on what planet does a newborn bring independance? I can only think of one planet and that is one where mid life crisis men have knee jerk babies with much younger women who's ovaries are clanging, and then behave as if they'd just moved in an au pair.

Just quoting again, it’s an excellent post. People aren’t reading the OP’s posts have said but they’re also missing what is unsaid……

Not just a 'good' father, but a 'very, very good' father 😂😂

Nah, your posts say the opposite, constantly whining about yourself and your 'needs' 🤷‍♀️

The OP's posts are literally making me cringe and wince. 😬

‘A lot of bitterness here = you’re not all validating me and agreeing what a wonderful unselfish amazing father I am (who doesn’t look his age)

Also "Wanting advice from a female perspective" = "wanting some women to agree with me so I can reassure myself. Anyone who disagrees with me is obviously wrong so can be ignored as bitter hatred"

😆

Yep! 😆

Assume your daughter is 13 (you said "in 5 years she will be an adult") which is still young, she is only just a teenager and she has some difficult years ahead of her. She will need you more than ever, especially as her mum left you both and their relationship is poor.

"In a few years she'll have her own life and likely a boyfriend and she'll see this point of view I think, but I feel waiting till then will be too late for me to move on."
It won't be too late for you to move on. It will be too late for you to father a child with your current girlfriend, that's what you mean. Your girlfriend is 38 and wants to be a mother, so quite frankly this relationship is not right for either of you. She needs a man closer to her age who does not already have a child. You need someone who has children and doesn't want any more, or has no children and doesn't want them, and is prepared to take things slowly because of your responsibilities towards your daughter.

You are not unreasonable to want to date, and maybe even consider moving in with a new partner at some point further down the line (I mean several years down the line). But it is completely unreasonable to consider fathering another child in this situation. You've been defensive about it on the thread but bluntly, you're too old. Even if it all worked out beautifully with your girlfriend, your daughter came around and was suddenly delighted by the whole scenario, and the two of you decided to try for a baby, her age will reduce the chances of conception, increase the risk of miscarriage and pregnancy/birth complications... and if she eventually has a healthy baby, you'll be in your mid 50s, you'll turn state pension age when the child is a teenager. Just no. Focus on the teenager you have now.

It sounds as if your daughter would benefit from some therapy - alone and maybe with you, too - to talk about her mother leaving and how she feels now, about herself and her relationship with each of her parents. She's said she doesn't want you to date at all which is understandable to an extent, but I think given some time and support it would be reasonable to expect her to learn to accept you dating. You don't have to involve her in it; she doesn't have to meet your girlfriend (at least not in the beginning) but she does have to accept that you have needs too. That will be easier for her to do if her own needs are being met.

I hope you can find a balance for both your sakes. You probably need to prioritise your daughter now but it won't be for ever. If you do a good job as a parent she will eventually need you less!

Op how old is she I say this as it is relevant to the situation however with that being said I don't see why you can't have a life also but I do feel it's important that her abandonment and rejection are not triggered here or it will manifest and be detrimental to her mental wellbeing . She needs to know that regardless she's not going to be replaced that she is loved and you are safe for her to come to with anything . At the minute she's emotional as her needs are not being met I do not say that as any form of disrespect I say that from an emotional perspective she may not be able to verbalise how she is feeling therefore it is important for you to be there with her as she is experiencing this. Ask her what she is thinking aswell as feelings they are separate. Therapy does sound like a good option for her also they will help her with the feelings of fear and anxiety around this issue as well as the anger thats presenting, remember anger is the emotion that shows up to protect get underneath it ...I wish you all the best

Poor girl. She’s got no stability and no parent she can rely on. She’s 13 and OP is already looking forward to her being 18 and off his hands, meanwhile he’s happy to father another child at 50.

Of course you can do as you wish. Only you know what you actually want and know your daughter.

I hope you are a very very good dad and a terrifically fantastic husband (on a decent salary) with the abundance of energy, patience and wisdom the situation will require. Hopefully you can cut down your hours at work to support them.

I should know. I'm an absolutely fantastic mum and a fabulous wife.

Can you source this please? I think you are massively overstating the risk of Autism (and what other genetic issues?) in the children of 50+ Dads but I'm willing to be corrected.

@thankyouforthedayz have a read of this article.... amp.theguardian.com/science/2023/oct/22/the-perils-of-putting-off-fatherhood-why-it-poses-risks-to-childrens-physical-and-mental-health

"There are also neurological effects. Children with fathers who are more than 40 at their birth are almost six times more likely to have autism than those whose fathers are less than 30, according to one study. Babies born to fathers aged over 50 face an up to fivefold increased risk of schizophrenia. Obsessive compulsive disorder, ADHD, bipolar disorder – all are more likely, research indicates, if the father is older."

Well, I for one think that 5 years is too much. And at 50, I would feel like I'm missing out. Don't forget that the OP felt unloved for a few years and he definetely should take time for himself. We have a friend who is overinvested in his daughter, at some point, he would almost get jealous for her attention as she was growing and wanted to do other things than outings with the father. He's approaching 50 and still single. Probably too hardened to even be able to be in a relationship as his life was revolving around his daughter. Too much pressure on the daughter actually and she lived with her mother.
The OP's daugther will get over it. I had step-fathers, my step-daugther had one 2 weeks after my husband separated from her mother (there were several and she was calling them all step-fathers LOL). She's 18 now and not traumatized a bit.

The OP's daugther will get over it. I had step-fathers, my step-daugther had one 2 weeks after my husband separated from her mother (there were several and she was calling them all step-fathers LOL). She's 18 now and not traumatized a bit.

Uhhhh, do you not think that the trauma and poor relationship modeling from this shit show might not show up a little later down the line when your step-daughter is looking for a long-term partner and quite possibly making all sorts of bad choices?

Seems a bit early to wave your hand and say “Naaaaaah, she’s fine!”

It really isn't.

The 15 year is being a brat;she's basically saying her dad isn't allowed to move on with his life because she doesn't like the idea;any woman this man has a relationship with regardless of age and status she'll have an issue with.It also isn't fair to suggest the OP waits a few years until she's older because the chances are she'd have an issue with her fathers partner then too because she's been alllowed to control her father's life for the past few years.

She’s 13 not 15 and she’s been banded by her mum and within weeks her dad has moved on to another woman and talking about having a baby

Calling a hurt, upset and confused child whose whole world has been turned on its head a brat is a disgusting way to speak and the rest of your post you’ve just made up with zero facts to base in reality

The amount of bad intent and manufactured backstory that you’ve projected onto a young teenager whose parents separated less than a year ago is truly astonishing.

Your DD did not choose this situation. You need to support her and if she is not ready for a stranger to be forced on her, don't.
She needs to come first.

Controlled her fathers life for the last few years?!

Fifteen?

Have you read a different thread?

Her parents were together earlier this year. Her mum walked out. Her Dad moved on almost immediately. He's only been dating this woman six months and he wants to get her pregnant.

Allow this CHILD to at least catch her breath from her mother abandoning her and her father some time to actually get a divorce before you label her a controlling brat. The poor kid has had F all control. And she's a few years off 15!

When I was 13/14 I took care of my younger siblings during school holidays while my mother & father worked. I was a brilliant little mother. Oh how times have changed.

And in the 1800s children made brilliant little chimney sweeps before society thought better of it, what’s your point?

It just gets worse with your every post. Can you really not hear yourself?

Please dont equate my childhood with the suffering of the chimney sweep children. I was happy to part of a family where we were taught responsibily from a young age & I loved helping out with my younger siblings. I also earned pocket money babysitting for neighbours children when I was 14. It served me well.

My point is 13/14 is still of course very much a child. The fact is many of them today at this stage of life are either left to run wild with little or no boundaries or so closeted in a world where they are so protected from life's hardships they find it difficult to deal with reality. OPs daughter has suffered trauma in her life. Nobody is saying for a second she shouldn't be supported by her father & given 100% of the love & care she deserves. This doesn't mean she shouldn't be encouraged to understand her father has needs too.