Child hates me having a girlfriend

[HopperDash]

Hi. I'm a man reaching out for advice from a female perspective so please be gentle.

I am divorced and currently have sole custody of my teen daughter. I am 50 and have been seeing a lovely woman who is 38 for sometime. We get on great, however and understandably she is at an age where she would like to have children sooner than later. I am happy with this, I am a young 50 and very healthy for my age and a great Dad.

My daughter is already finding it hard for me to have a girlfriend and has stated that she doesn't want to meet her, let alone her living with me and the idea of me having another child and sibling would flip her out greatly. She's been crying a lot just me seeing someone and I feel awful.

I understand all of this as I'm all she has, her relationship with her Mum isn't good and they rarely see each other. I'm torn, as I definitely don't want to damage her or our relationship either, but also don't want to lose my girlfriend. In five years my daughter will be an adult and I don't want to be on my own so have had to be slightly selfish by seeing someone to begin with. It'll only get harder over time otherwise.

My child means everything to me and is not being capricious, merely I'm all she has and I think she can't bear me giving my love to someone else or losing me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Understand perfectly well, perhaps you're confused as to who the OP is.

If the roles were reversed, would you like it if she said ' hey so I'm going to move another man in here and we're going add a screaming baby to the house'.

Would that be fun to you? Some random guy wandering around your home. And a baby you had no say in. But would expected to help out with.

How about during a time where you're studying for some really important exams into the bargain?

Sound cool?
Does it fuck!
You'd be like 'sod right off with that shit!'.

I mean jeez have some respect! It's her home too.

Seeing another woman is fine if you largely keep her out of your daughters space for a while. More kids? No. Selfish.

Your daughter is family, not this random woman you've known five minutes. Have some damn loyalty!

This is such a valid point, and a point of view a lot of parents just don't take into account. Just because you're the adult in this situation, doesn't make your wants and feelings more important than your child.
Children only have one childhood, they will be gone from home before you know it and parents are free to move on and cohabit with their partners then, why run this risk of cause lasting emotional and psychological damage before then?

He doesn’t mean housebound in the disabled sense, he means bound by his daughters’ needs.

Chances are she will head off to uni in 4 years time anyway.

You've already done family life. Why not just date as 'just for company/fun' instead, for the next few years? Keep it to hotels and their places as much as possible.

The new woman already...it smacks of someone who can't be alone looking for a housekeeper tbh.

I suspect what he means is that he wants to prioritise his social/sex life, and is resentful of the fact that his dd has feelings and needs that should be his priority. And in no sense does that make him ‘housebound’, imo.

I was broadly on team supportive, but this comment about lucky old single mums gives me the ick. It's not a game of single parent top trumps. I raise you your ex who...with mine who...

I think it's ok (better than ok! Great! Fun!) to date discretely soon after divorce, but it's way too soon to be discussing it with a child or letting anyone into your child's life.

From experience, it's also much easier to date someone in a similar stage.

And in the first year after divorce I think you need to be free to make weird choices and date outside the box, but it's way too soon to make choices about the future. You haven't had time to figure yourself out yet, maybe you are so used to being married that you are jumping into something new without really taking time to breathe (maybe yes, maybe no, how can you tell this soon?)

I was broadly on team supportive, but this comment about lucky old single mums gives me the ick. It's not a game of single parent top trumps. I raise you your ex who...with mine who...

@Cardamomandlemons especially given it later turns out that he has "a couple of parents" (whether that means his parents, who are together, or a separated father and mother, or one of his own parents and one of his ex's parents) who actually babysit fairly regularly for him!

I don't know what weird fantasy he has about single mums and the lavish support they can supposedly get from their friends.

I have a great, supportive community of mum friends, but the support I get from them takes the form of them being backup to grab my kids after school on the rare occasion I'm stuck in traffic, or dropping off soup if all three of us are down sick, or helping out by lending items for school performances or Halloween costumes, or being a sympathetic ear if I need to vent about my useless ex.

They're not there as free babysitters, as they have their own kids and schedules to manage (and I would have to find two different sets of mum friends to babysit each time I go out as my kids would want to hang out with their own friends).

He seems to have a very distorted idea of reality and a real "poor-me" attitude.

tricky situation & I sympathise . But I do think 6 months after her mum leaving is too soon for DD. If gf isn’t in hurry & can wait a year or even two before asking dd if gf can move in …but gf needs to know that her baby plans may not happen in this situation . if dd won’t accept living with gf then home life will be stressful for all. Children shouldnt dictate parents life but your dd needs more time & maybe in a year, therapy for you all to see if you can come together as a family. Hope your gf doesn’t accidentally get pregnant

Yes, thankfully!

It's great when young people help, and they should take on responsibilities like housework.

But not so good when a parent leaves them behind and people feel the need to say they should shut up and get on with it!

Come on OP. I know you want perspectives, but you might as well have asked 'How do I make my daughter ok with this'?

She rarely sees her mother, doesn't have a good relationship with her, and the one parent she does have a good relationship with is talking about moving a stranger, a woman into her home. She's your girlfriend (for now), but she means nothing to your daughter. She's only a person she'll have to contend with for her father's attention and space in the house. A person who is not a relation, but whom she'll have to respect as a figure of authority in her own home.

No, fuck that. Don't blame your daughter for being upset.

You might not think that it'll happen, but I know someone who's Dad started another family, and she never felt fully part of that unit. This is in contrast to her half sister who had a Mum & Dad living at home together as a regular family.

Also - don't be one of those utterly daft parents who think their kid will be far too busy making friends at college uni and going to parties to worry about that, that think that university time is a great time to make major changes that will affect their child. University time, if they're living away, will be a time when they need a solid, stable, unexciting home to go back to. She doesn't need a situation where she'll feel out of sight, she's out of mind, with her Dad will now be preoccupied with a woman who means absolutely nothing to her, and a baby who will be the centre of attention who she'll be scared will replace her.

but I am housebound and I don't think it's fair I spend the next six to how many years locked away from the world and life

The fact you've worded it this way is concerning. I hope you're not saying that in front of your daughter, because it would be emotionally manipulative and unfair to do so.

'Locked away' 😕🙄?

No one is saying you have to be housebound ffs, but I'm afraid that one shouldn't treat getting a new partner so lightly as to consider moving them in after six months!!

You said you would have wanted to have more children? Do you think you would have been less housebound then? What if you have a baby then??

I think what you're really annoyed about, is the fact you feel your daughter is effectively cock-blocking you.

@HopperDash Oh I really feel for you, this is a tough one. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your daughter. Teenagers are inherently incredibly selfish and of course with her lack of a relationship with her Mum she will be demanding of you and your time. She is your daughter and of course you care deeply - but (!!) you’re not just a Dad. You’re a human being and deserve to be happy and loved up in another relationship that means the world to you. You don’t want to be one of those lonely souls down the pub drinking by themselves because they missed out on a good relationship.

My hubby was initially like you when we first started dating as his kids were apprehensive. Years on I care for them deeply and they love me back, we created a caring and supportive family unit. Mum is on board and has been throughout. Don’t let a great relationship slip away because your teen is worrying - it’s natural to fret when unsure but show her you’re there for your DD and tell her your love will never change. Surely she wouldn’t want you to be lonely as her life blossoms and expands.

@Coldfinch but I bet you didn't move in with them less than a year after their mum had left the family home. And you'd probably been together for more than 6 months. And you probably weren't talking about having a baby....
Unlike the OP.

Anecdotal I know, but my sister met her current partner when, she’d been single a few months. She had my first nephew from a previous relationship, and wouldn’t have asked his opinion. That partner moved in probably a few months later, and they had my second nephew. He was late 40s at the time.

They’re very happy, a whole family unit, and live happily together. Should they both have just stayed single and possibly sad?

The difference here is the child in question HAS said they are unhappy about the situation.
No one has said the OP shouldn't have a relationship, just that he needs to slow down a bit & consider his daughter's feelings.

Possibly.

I’m step mum to an 8 year old boy, and as much as early on we were sensitive around instructions and relationship building etc - his permission to move forward at all wasn’t asked for.

In fairness it couldn’t have been, but I doubt it would have anyway. In the early stages while we were getting used to each other, me being there at all wasn’t up for debate.

How can she not be a part of it at 13???

He needs to slow down unless he really wants to some damage to both his DD and their relationship

All of this is now moot as I doubt he'll be back as the majority of answers weren't going his way

I think with teenagers it's different and I also think it's different with a girl and her dad, particularly in a situation like this when the daughter has become reliant on just her dad.

There will be definite feelings of jealousy there which is why treading carefully is needed to preserve the dad's relationship with his daughter.

But, yes, the OP has been long gone for ages so it makes no difference what anyone posts now.

She's only a person she'll have to contend with for her father's attention and space in the house. A person who is not a relation, but whom she'll have to respect as a figure of authority in her own home.

This is worded so well. Most children have no say whatsoever in who their parents begin relationships with but are forced to accept it and not cause problems for the sake of harmony and the adults’ happiness.

I think the reason he won't be back is because he wasn’t expecting the vitriol that went along with some of those answers.

I think what you're really annoyed about, is the fact you feel your daughter is effectively cock-blocking you.

Like this for example. Spiteful and totally uncalled for. This was a sensitive topic which should have attracted reasoned debate, but the posters who offered actual advice on handling it were lost in a sea of prejudice and projection, with a bit of man hating sentiment thrown in. And people wonder why OP’s abandon their threads.

I agree completely. This thread has been revolting. With a few pleasant exceptions, it's been just one long session of playground bullying and taunting. The dark side of MN, sadly.

I started out on his side but changed my mind once he started posting more. He really didn't come across well once more of his personality started to come out. I'm not sure it counts as an unfair pile on if the person is so consistently objectionable.