Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

He HAS addressed it in numerous other ways and nothing change. How long was he meant to wait?

Are you intimate in other ways OP? Do you have a cuddle on the sofa or touch each other in day to day life? Sometimes I might not feel in the mood (especially now that I'm breastfeeding and co sleeping) but thing just progress from everyday interactions.

Well he’s been clear and honest all along so you’d better accept you’re not suited and sort it out as amicable as possible.

It doesn’t matter how many times he addressed it, he has abandoned his children and left the family home. He could have easily said that he no longer wants to be married and will sleep on the sofa / spare room. To physically leave the house and his 3 young children is immature behaviour and shows that he ultimately just cares for himself and his “needs”. I’m sorry but marriage issues aside, to walk out on your kids with no warning and no compassion for your partner does not sound like a good man.

If everything else was good, I wouldn't give up my husband, relationship, home and nice life for kids for, as someone said, what is usually a fixable problem. Divorce (absent violence, addiction etc) is usually very disruptive, children nearly always don't like it or new partners, statistically you will be poorer, perhaps for life. You have now realised how much a problem it is for him so why not discuss with him how you want to actively work with him to find a solution. This might mean a sex therapist, ways of you getting more sexually rewarded, experimenting more, getting prescribed small doses of T or other meds - turn it into a project like renovating the house. Men (to generalise) are more into fixing problems where women (to generalise) or more into being heard.Check out reddit deadbedrooms too to understand where he is coming from.

I will always suggest a separation if there's any kind of abuse, but I don't think there is here. He's telling you he is lonely in your marriage.

You seems amazed that the counsellor suggested you stop breastfeeding. You say you co-sleep with your toddler. There's no need to breastfeed a two year old. A child who's breastfed at that age will wake in the night and want a feed. They are usually unable to sleep alone.

Honestly, I think you should stop breastfeeding, sort out the child's sleeping arrangements (and yes I know how painful both of those things are) - you are sacrificing your marriage for the sake of breastfeeding a child who doesn't need it. Breastfeeding is also stopping your child from having a long sleep and self-comforting.

Don't throw away your marriage over this. You're not married to a sex pest. He is lonely and doesn't want to be the only one initiating sex. Who would want that?

From what you have said OP, it seems its not as simple as he wants to shag more than you do, but because you don't initiate sex because you feel that you want to be physical with him because its a special thing to you, he feels unloved. Honestly I am not sure that there can be a compromise on that one. Neither of you is wrong and it seems to me like he may have waited to see if it would improve....

Just a quick clear up I am not a sahp. I work Monday to Thursday 9-5 and my job is remote so I am at home. He works Monday- Friday 9-5 and has to go into the office 2-3 days a week so logistically I just do slightly more childcare.
He hasn’t left me with the childcare just left me with the breakfast and then after work is coming to help with bedtimes as it’s tricky with the three on your own. A lot of men would do a lot less if they were separating or divorcing.
He earns triple what I do though (nearly) his job is much better paid so contributes the most financially and was in a financial position to rent a room.

His only comment about it was that he has said all he has to say for now and for anything to seriously change and get better there really isn’t anything else he can do. So I guess he means it’s got to come from me and I need to take it seriously.

I don’t think there’s really a bad guy here. It might be time to accept you aren’t compatible. Intimacy in a marriage is important and you need to be reasonably matched.

See I am not sure that its in the control of either of you....you can take it as seriously as you like but can you change how you basically are?

I do get that and understand but I can’t force myself to be more interested than I am so what’s the compromise?

You DO have to force yourself if you want this marriage to continue. Because your 'compromise' seems to be that he has to accept and live with your idea of frequency/initiating. ie no compromise at all.

You seem to be expecting that the result of therapy will be that he changes his behaviour and nothing to do with you.

The counsellor wasn’t recent my child was 11 months. We did two sessions and I wouldn’t say she was great as we had already discussed everything she had brought up.

I will second dead bedrooms on reddit. It really interesting to hear the other side of the story and how a lack of intimacy can make your partner feel.

@FromWalesAndBackAgain frankly you’re just reading what you want as opposed to what has actually been said if you were referring to me.

Your comprehension is poor.

The relevance of them discussing lack of sex before they got married is confirmation this issue existed before they got married. You’re reading it as if their sex life was perfect before marriage and only changed after children which isn’t the scenario posed. OP said in her first post that her sex drive has always been lower than his, hence them having that conversation prior to marriage. Of course kids etc will make existing intimacy problems worse, no one is denying that; it’s a pre-existing issue during their honeymoon period which got worse and worse.

Following on from that, they have discussed this numerous times, even going to counselling. It’s not normal for couples to go to counselling, let alone over lack of intimacy. That’s a huge indicator that something is wrong. So to say he blindsided her is inaccurate. OP feels that way cause she didn’t take him seriously, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t take steps to make her aware there was an issue and try and to fix things.

I think a sex therapist could help because some of this is coming from the husband's attitude of if kisses, touches etc don't lead to sex then what's the point. Many women aren't ready to go at the drop of a hat, they need that connection to a partner to have intimacy in mind. A good sex therapist can introduce physical touch and creating room for desire and intimacy, not just straight to the act.

The problem is, this isn't that fixable. Somebody has to compromise, and the pressure will be on the higher-libido partner to do the majority of the compromising.

I had a friend like this mismatched sex drive. He really did try. She actually asked him to find a woman for sex and stay married for the sake of their three children.

I think the idea of a sex therapist is you just buying time. Like the counsellor the last time. You can’t force yourself to have sex you dint want, and no one wants to have sex with someone who fudamentally sees it as a chore. That’s just a killer for your self esteem.

the bottom line is you don’t want sex that much and go through the motions to keep him happy. He knows this. And doesn’t want sex with someone who sees it as another chore to be done a couple of times a month, or to be celibate. He’s been open about this and been clear all along, from before the marriage. There is no surprise.

I think you should agree to split. It won’t resolve no matter how many therapists you see. He should be with someone who wants intimacy like he does, and you should be with someone who doesn’t really want intimacy, and is happy with companionship. It will make you both happier in th4 long run.

Cherchez la femme.

Sorry, OP.

He doesn’t want kisses and hugs to lead to sex most of the time. It’s more he doesn’t like it when at the same time we haven’t had sex for weeks. He feels it’s a falsehood and fake of him to do when ultimately his need for physical affection isn’t being met.

I don't think you should be holding out hope that he will be back, this might be it now as he has already tried to address it in other ways.
I know some people will not agree with this but effort can be made to have sex when you're not in the mood. There have been times when I have been tired and can't be bothered but putting in some effort to get started can get you in the mood and lead to having enjoyable sex. If you and your DH do end up trying again maybe you could discuss things you could try together to get things started. Sex counselling may be a good place to discuss these things or even just Google some ideas.

I think you need to ask for time to think about what you want OP. He has stated what he wants and where his boundary is.

Do you feel like, long term:
(a) You're happy to have sex once a week. In which case, troubleshoot how to make that happen.
(b) You're not currently happy having sex once a week, but would like to be. In which case, try the sex therapist, explore where there is something that will change your desire, but accept that it may not change things and you'll need to separate
(c) You don't ever sex once a week- in which case, you need to be honest with yourself, he's not compatible with you.

Btw before marriage we’d easily have sex once a week and definitely did it more. There could be a dry spell that he would bring up though and I wouldn’t have noticed and hence before we got married he did say he wouldn’t want a sexless marriage. So not at quite the same level before we got married and I don’t think either of us expected this or we wouldn’t have got married.
I do fancy him people mistake him for Michael Buble which is my type!

OP, you might want to watch a few videos by an American divorce lawyer, James Sexton, or read either of his books. As a woman who didn't always want sex with her husband, his book "If You're in my Office it's Already Too Late" smacked me in the face. In it, he says marriage is about sex. I was like, "Whaaaaaat? No it isn't!"

Turns out men and women see marriage quite differently. They see it as the start of sex on tap, whereas I saw it as "At last, I have someone who loves me for me and not for what my body can do for them."

Haaaaaaaaaaa. Nature's effing little joke.

The lesson I learnt from my own marriage and from some reading is that sex is more important to many men than many of us women can imagine. I had NO idea just how much before I got married, and it's a big reason I would hesitate to marry again. I don't want to bear the burden of satisfying a man's desires.

It's so unfair. They have ten times the testosterone that we have, their whole set-up orients them towards sex (being visual etc, so I hear) and they ALWAYS get their rocks off, while our clitorises tend to be nowhere near our vaginas. And yet women get blamed for not wanting sex as much, when biologically we are just not set up for it like men are, and it's not our fault. (I know there are quite a few exceptions, but what I'm saying is generally true.)

I liked sex a lot more when a lover used a Magic Wand on me during intercourse. I always wanted my ex-h to try wearing a ring with a rabbit vibrator on it during sex so that I got some stimulation during the act, but he never did. It might have made a difference.

This video by James Sexton starts with a hard-to-swallow truth. I think you will find it useful. It's not just about sex but also affection.

His other Youtube videos are good. I think they will really help you to understand your husband more.

Thanks this is really practical and helpful and something we could both think about and respond to.