Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

There's no need to stop breastfeeding, but you can stop the co-sleeping.

Get your toddler into their own bed.

Have a look at the Ferber sleep training book.

I don't think once a week is unreasonable as a compromise but he seems a bit mathematical/transactionary about it. You couldn't fulfil the once a week while you had an injured neck, what did he want you to do? Be in pain and uncomfortable so he could tick it off the list.

It also annoys me when men say they "need more intimacy" when they actually just mean "sex". Intimacy is so much more than sex, a deep emotional bond and exchange. Hugging and kissing can enhance intimacy without sex. The fact that your husband sees no point in hugging and kissing you if it isn't going to lead to sex speaks volumes.

And the complaints about you not initiating enough are tough. I once had a boyfriend who moaned about me never initiating but I felt like I never had the space to start to think about initiating because he initiated so often and with barely any introductory intimacy to set the scene. He was good at sex but I began to think of it as an expectation/chore rather than a shared intimate experience.

Twice a month isn't "sexless" either, it's just less than he would like.

It may be that you are incompatible and you need to go your separate ways. It does sound like sex therapy is worth a try if you're willing. It might help you find a constructive way to increase frequency and address some of the transactional pressure he is putting on you. It's not just you who is the problem!

Other posters have criticised you for seemingly not taking him seriously but i get the feeling he is testing you to see if you will promise more sex. Do you think that too? Again, sex therapy might help but if you don't want to go there you need to tell him OK, let's split but do it properly, separate homes rather than Air BNB/parents spare room nonsense. And tell him that when people ask why you split you will give them the honest answer that sex twice a month wasn't enough for him.

Do you really want to live the rest of your life having sex you don’t want to have just to stop him leaving you?

He obviously doesn’t respect you as a person. Let him go.

Is there perhaps another woman in the background?

Op you need more actionable advice.

1. I would challenge him re your 3rd child. Your libido, while still lower than his, would probably be back to once a week rather than once a fortnight level by now if you hadn't had a third and that was HIM pushing for that so he has to own it.
2. re how to actually prioritise it? I track how often dh and I have had sex on my period tracker. Maybe that will sound bizarre and unromantic to others but it keeps it on my radar and stops me from letting it go longer than a week. I usually intiate. In the small kid years when I haven't been in the mood I've spent time beforehand having a bath, reading erotica, glass of wine etc to get in the right headspace. I tell myself I'm doing this for me, not for him- which is true, as although it's so difficult to switch gears at times when kids are little and get into the mood, once we've done it im always so glad as it's always satisfying and a gift I've given myself. Maybe try to think of it that way (as long as it is always satisfying for you? If not, maybe smrthimg to work on with the sex therapist)

Honestly your ex sounds like he was a rubbish lover. Women can get just as much pleasure if it's the right type of sexual acts, more pleasure than men in some cases as women can have multiple orgasms and no refractory period.

The sad bit about this though is that it’s pretty transactional - chores childcare and money.

do you love and want him as a romantic partner?

if he’s willing and you want to then specific sex therapy perhaps. At least read come together by Emily Nagowski.

Also what happens if god forbid you ever get seriously ill? You’re busy with chemo or surgery etc and he leaves you because you can’t satisfy his (apparently very important) needs.

Lock the door behind him!

You haven't had sex for weeks, he hasn't cheated, he's seen counsellors with you. It's incompatibility. You admitted this was an issue before you married.

I see this as a no fault incompatibility issue.

I would hate to be your DH, knowing that the sex is “duty sex” that you would prefer to avoid. I don’t think it’s fair for you to force yourself to have sex you don’t want either.

I'm sorry you're going through this at the moment but it doesn't really sound like it's a surprise.

I’ve just seen it as an issue that needs watching/bit of work.

Can I ask what work have you put in? From what you've said it doesn't sound like any. Once a week isn't a big ask from him and it sounds like a fair compromise. The fact that you don't see a problem with twice a month confirms you don't get it.

You compromised on once a week. Then you stopped this. He spoke about it and you're saying you can't force yourself to do more. So there you go, you can't hold up your end of the bargain so neither can he.

I see you're thinking forward in terms of what to do for Xmas and your children etc but not ways you can try to be more intimate more often, this where your head would prefer to be so I would say its over and I'd concentrate on sorting out life as separate people.

But she hasn't got cancer, just doesn't need sex. Which is fine.

why are you defending? Why is what he wants more important than what you want?

It’s not fine though it’s breaking up my marriage. And I do love him very much.

@NewDaye firstly thank you for proving my point about people responding on here with judgement. I’m sorry you clearly feel called out in my post that you felt the need to criticise my comprehensive skills, I won’t insult you personally as it’s not the way I like to or choose to interact with people.

I also wasn’t aware you sat in the counselling sessions and have been there for all these chats to be able to so confidently say that OP couldn’t possibly have been blindsided? If not, perhaps you have been doing some reading between the lines here, and perhaps this is relating to something going on in your personal life that you have taken such grievance with my post saying that people could have more compassion and presenting another POV? I hope what ever is going on in your life you are okay, you can still consider two sides of a story (as I tried to do, as I said I don’t think the husband is mean and I do think they are incompatible - I also don’t think the OP is mean or has misled anyone or doesn’t have the right to feel a bit blindsided)

I stand by all my comments, it’s very different saying I can boost my sex life before having three children, even if there was a mismatch in the beginning, plus it sounds like both of them truely believed this could happen and went into the marriage in good faith. He said he didn’t want a sexless marriage, he is not in a sexless marriage. It’s still a bit strange that you felt the need to insult me personally because I said someone has the right to say THEY FELT blindsided. I hope whatever is going on in your life you are okay - there is always two sides of a coin - sometimes our personal experiences may make us focus on one side (possibly there is a little bit of that in my post too eh ❤️)

Honestly you're incompatible. This isn't an issue of you're exhausted with young kids....this was the case before the marriage. You can't fundamentally change yourself and nor can he. Honestly I think if I'd had to negotiate with a partner to have sex with me once a week, my self esteem would be utterly destroyed.

A very personal question which you absolutely shouldn’t answer on here(!), but is he meeting your needs in bed? Is he actually making sure you’re having a fulfilling (fantastic?) experience whenever you do want sex? It’s my opinion that whilst there is a base level of desired intimacy, this can definitely be changed if you were enjoying the sex you are having a lot.

Imo you’ve got three young kids, probably shattered, HE has the bigger libido, HE should do the lions share of initiating. And if you’re not that keen on the sex you are having, then that’s certainly something that can be worked on together.

This.

OP, he did give you fair warning. Many, many times.

You chose to ignore the warnings. It's disingenuous to claim you have been blindsided.

I agree. I'm your husband in this situation and I am fed up of begging my husband to understand how important this is for me. I feel like I'm in a flatshare.

This.

Sorry, OP, that you are going through this. He was clear before marriage, clear during marriage and he tried to work on it with you.

You failed to see and still fail to see how important it is to him because it is not important to you. He has not been dramatic. He simply left after multiple discussions, counselling and tryings.

You both have different needs.

Actually, he is breaking up your marriage. And whether he loves you or not, he doesn’t respect you or your choices.

Nothing puts you off sex like being forced/coerced/bullied/threatened into it.

More fool him - he’ll probably be having sex less than twice a month if he’s single.

What would you say is actually stopping you from having sex with him more?

Do you feel able to have more sex with him than you are currently having going forward?

Are you finding the sex at all boring or not satisfying?

This.

I also want to add, are you on the contraceptive pill? As my libido nose-dived when I was taking it.

I said the same thing to my sex-mad ex-h, and he said that that would be completely different because I wouldn't be rejecting him, the lack of sex would be because I was ill. Therefore he wouldn't experience it as his partner not wanting him.