Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

I don't always feel like it but sometimes if my DP initiates then I'll go along with it if we haven't had sex for a while. I usually enjoy it btw ! He's very good at ensuring I get satisfaction. So I guess I've learned that not feeling in the mood in advance doesn't mean I don't want sex, because once we get started I don't want to stop haha!

Relationships are about give and take. So maybe if this is important, you may want to consider what would make you want to initiate? Are you tired a lot due to kids ? So if he gave you a lie in eg on a Sunday. Might you be more inclined to initiate later? Or do you feel overwhelmed with chores? Could he lift some more of this load?
Ultimately i don't know if you are just the sort of person that doesn't fancy it much in which case there's not much you can do if neither of you are prepared to accept a situation where one of you is doing something you don't want. Or ypu maybe just a tired mum who's not got the time or headspace for sex right now

Sex twice a month is a bit rubbish.

This problem is so easy to fix. Schedule time once a week to have sex. You'll probably enjoy it more, the more you do it.

No way would I be losing my marriage, my family and my home over such a fixable problem.

@Lwrenn it’s not a happy family though, it’s a relationship issue that existed before they got married. It’s not a dry spell, their level of intimacy has always been this way. They probably should have worked this out before proceeding to marriage? It’s likely kids etc made the intimacy issues worse.

You aren’t listening to him so what was he supposed to do? Just forget about sex, as you do?

Maybe he should look after the children a lot more or become a sahp while you work. I’m sure he’s libido would decrease. Sounds like he has a lot more energy in store by the end of the day than you do

You have the right not to have sex and not to want to - but have perhaps not been entirely upfront about how little you wanted it.

When you say your libedo is enough for twice a month... you also say that you would probably forget to do it this often if left to initiate. That sounds more like what you can tolerate rather than what you want.

You say your lack of desire for sex isn't child/baby related - although their needs are reducing opportunities.

It does sound that you tolerate sex to make him happy but happily live without it.

Perhaps unlike some other men, he doesn't just want sex. He wants you to want him. He waited for you to want him and initiate because you wanted to. When you didn't - it seemed over to him. Do you think he is right?

Kids are coming back from a party soon which in fairness he did take them out to, so need to check out for a while, but I think my point is not every married couple will be compatible sexually so there must be solutions. And it’s not that I don’t want it or don’t enjoy it when we do so not without hope.

He hasn’t said no to the idea of reconciling but maybe the air Bnb is a point that this is really the next step if nothing improves and it has been a wake up call to me.

I think a sex therapist might be useful in at least helping me to come to terms with it or suggesting things that make the once the week easier and take some of the tension out of the issue. I don’t know, but breaking up after 16 years and three kids because we can’t work it out when we do love each other seems mad.
(FYI he has said he’s not seeing anyone else and for him it’s not about another relationship with someone more compatible. It’s more about the rejection and loneliness he feels IN a relationship without intimacy. So if there isn’t anyone else then maybe better therapy would work or maybe I’m clutching at straws. Hopefully it’s worth a try even for the sake of the children and the fact that otherwise he’s a great husband.)

As this was an issue before marriage and kids I don’t think being a sahp has much to do with this

Totally agree with this.
As heartbreaking as it is for him to leave, he's been really reasonable and mature about it all.

I assume you hadn’t read OP’s update as you were typing, as she was clear that he is hands on and they split things pretty evenly, plus he pays for kids, clubs, hobbies etc. He does sound like he’s been a good husband and father. He has also been clear on how important sex is before they even got married.

I agree he’s gone from 0-60 in moving out but it wasn’t like he hadn’t given signs.

Your take is not accurate based on anything she’s written.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Sex is really, really important to some people. I don't understand it being so important that a relationship and family could break up over it, but it's not that uncommon.

It does seem to be a glaring incompatibility between you. But it's a huge pity for it to end over this.

I've only ever had one good lover in my life, and I liked sex with him. Are there things your husband could do that would make it more enjoyable for you, if you were to try again?

I see it from his point of view at least somewhat. It's horrible to feel undesired by the one person who's meant to fancy you, and when you can't get those needs met anywhere else.

Have you read the book Mating in Captivity? It's about how marriage legitimised the relationship so much for the women in it, and created so many sexual expectations, that sex lost all its erotic allure. Might be worth a read.

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. It's a problem for sure, but such a pity for it to have come to this.

Great advice, but I'd suggest one slight change. Aim for twice a week. The problem with "once a..." anything is that if you aim for that and miss, you end up with nothing. If you aim for twice and only do it once, at least you're doing it.

Does he facilitate romance? Does he make you feel sexy?

You've birthed 3 children and you're tired from working and doing the majority of childcare.

Does he expect you to be a performing monkey or does he pamper you with sweet talk, lingering wanting stares... Does he complement you? Hold your hand? Is he interested in you as a woman?

Does he understand that many women need this kind of affection to feel ready to initiate sex, or is he treating you like a man with a man's sex drive?

He's made it very difficult for you, all other issues aside as others posters have made good comments both for and against him, but you have a lower sex drive and urt he wants you to initiate. You forgot about it and he waited three weeks while silently seething and making plans to leave. Meeting you half way would be to accept he mostly initiates it, and get over the idea that this somehow makes him less desirable. Three young kids, of course you're busy and forget!

Menopause can also destroy libido, would he have left then if it happened then instead? What about all the emotional love and the love language of raising children together? I understand he misses intimacy and for some this is a huge deal but it does seem a very sad affair when that is enough to end a marriage with three children in it and so must have been successful in other ways. Sorry op, hope things improve foe you and you're ok

@Newstart2024 yeah, lots of married couples have incompatible sex drives with one person feeling miserable for years. You see it on here all the time. Usually, they either divorce, stay miserable until one of them dies, have an affair (and then they feel guilty on top of being miserable), or they just about stick it out being miserable until the children grow up and then divorce.

It seems like you're not taking on board how hurtful it is. Because sex isn't important to you, you think it's no big deal and he should be fine without it. He's repeatedly told you that is not the case.

"but I think my point is not every married couple will be compatible sexually "

I think that this is more you burying your head in the sand. Sex is fundamental to marriage (unless both parties agree otherwise).

You are friends but not lovers, it seems. He wants a lover. Not someone who accommodates him because splitting up would be inconvenient to her.

Whether or not you feel like he is justified in his argument he has essentially thrown his toys out of the pram and left you to field the childcare along with all other practical things in your life. That is not a kind, caring or reliable man. There were ways of him to address this that didn’t involve abandoning you and your 3 young children.

If my DH did this I would be so beyond disappointed in him that I wouldn’t feel that the relationship was salvageable. Hes wanting attention and has got your attention. It’s like having another child at this stage.

The point is that in a loving relationship, hugs, kisses, and general affection tend to be the norm, not offered only as a precursor to sex.

My inclination is it's your DH who has the problem; not you.

Do you actually fancy him? Did you fancy him before children? Is this the real reason?

You are definitely clutching at straws and gently, sound in denial/delusional @Newstart2024

I know you are desperate but a sex therapist isn’t the answer. They can’t make you want to have sex once a week or make you enjoy it or turn you into some passionate vixen, as that is not you. You’re fighting against your own desires here. You’re the only one who can’t see that.

He can see that. That’s why he made the decision to leave. He basically wants natural, organic, passionate desire. Your natural, organic desire doesn’t match his which he’s raised with you in counselling. You couldn’t do once a week sex before but now your solution is forced desire to tick off once a week. But that isn’t what he wants either - he doesn’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do.

You need to be realistic, having sex once a week might not be something you can commit to. It’s just something you think he wants to hear. Realistically he’s just going to leave again as you won’t be able to be consistent, so it’s just delaying the inevitable. There is more to marriage than just the logistics.

You have three very young children,that he wanted .
He's an idiot if he thinks sex is plentiful with young children
Personally I'd wave him off
As far as I'd be concerned this is blackmail.
He's happy to reconcile as long as he gets what he wants .
Very selfish man.
I'm sorry ,but I would not take him back , because he would do this again ,if sex isn't as much as he wants .
Nah ,good riddance,he sounds controlling

the number of years together should not affect your desire for the other person in fact it generally gets stronger if you are with the right person - so previous people saying you are likely not attracted to him are probably right.

very sad for you (and him as he has tried) but either get your head around a properly fulfilling physical relationship or start afresh & let him do the same.

I agree. Just work out co-parenting arrangements and move on. Life is too short.

I mean WOW some of the responses on here have made my blood boil 🤯

”how can you be blindsided” “he made it clear before marriage” Wowwweeee. I can only assume you people are very black and white in a life with the full spectrum of colours, makes me despair honestly.

1. sex twice a month is NOT a sexless marriage - so he is not in a sexless marriage which is the thing he “made clear” before marriage

2. Making something “clear” before marriage, where you are two people with all the time and attention for one another is VERY DIFFERENT to the realities of life with three young children - which you cannot possibly comprehend before you have them.

3. Yes she was blind sided - having a few counselling sessions is very different to packing your bags and leaving with what sounded like a very cold interchange in the realms of you aren’t giving me what I need so I’m off. Granted this may have been the end result regardless, but I don’t think it’s unfair for OP to say she felt blindsided. Plus it’s her feelings - let’s try not tell people how they feel.

4. OP whilst your DH seems to do some of the childcare - it seems like the weight of the balance is more loaded on your side? Has your DP offered to do more before or is there an equal balance - that makes the likelihood of you wanting sex more likely?

5. I don’t know how old you are - Medically speaking women’s libidos drop from their 40s/50s whilst men’s is their 60s/70s so he is getting to a period of age that without a big age gap he may find that compatibility hard to find in anyone. You may have perimenopausal and menopause to go through which will likely impact your libido even further - do you want to stay with a man you feel may leave you if you are not providing him with enough sex whilst going through this?

However, I do agree with these posters in terms of I don’t think your DH is mean or evil, on the whole he sounds like a good dad and whilst he hasn’t handled the ending of your marriage very well, some may say there is no perfect way to do it if you both are not in that head place. I also agree that it sounds like you are incompatible and if you get back together now, it seems this is an issue that is very likely to come back up again. I just wish some people on mumsnet would meet people in these situations with empathy rather than judgement - you are dealing with the potential end of your marriage which is a scary emotional and unsettling time and some people are responding to you like you’ve said you ran over a dog.

Agree with this. I'm the DH in our relationship- once a week is what we have and it is a real compromise for me as I have a high sex drive. Any longer than that and I'm miserable tbh. It works fine for us, but it IS a deal breaker. I don't know why you are so shocked tbh!