Husband just walked out- intimacy issues

[Newstart2024]

Bit of background, me and DH have 3 kids aged 7,4 and 2. My libido always been a bit lower than his but okay, we talked about it before marriage and with our vicar in wedding counselling prior and dh said he couldnt live in a sexless marriage. Which is fine by me I agreed.
Since then and with the children our sex life has been up and down and on a down patch after our second we had some counselling where husband says he doesn’t feel desired, touch is a love language and he always initiates which makes him feel like he’s pressuring me. He basically said if things didn’t improve he’d leave because it’s so important to him. we talked it through (though counsellor wasn’t great and part of her advice was to stop breastfeeding??!!!). we were okay for a while.
Recently I’ve changed contraception and after sorting it finally my husband suggested we try for intimacy once a week and he didn’t always want to intiate.

This was fine at first but last few weeks we haven’t and I didn’t think anything of it. Then last weekend he did suggest we go upstairs but I’d hurt my neck and told him it might be worth waiting a few days which he was annoyed about but he knows it’s true!

Cut to mid week last week and after we did kids bedtime I came down and he had packed a bag! He told me he had arranged a room through air bnb and was moving there. He was very calm saying he had always been clear about intimacy and he couldn’t see the marriage continuing. The air bnb is 10 minute walk away and he left.
I have been left overnight with kids and doing breakfast in the morning. I normally do this but sometimes he is here working from home or sometimes he has left for the office. I do the childminder drop off for youngest and school runs. We both work, then one of us will pick kids up from childminder at 5:30-6. He has come here after work to help with bedtimes then off back to the air Bnb!!!

Last night he sent an email saying this weekend he would be back home with family (they live 150 miles away) and then he would look after kids next weekend. He said we can discuss a longer term solution. He has the money to rent a room I’m sure but that money we have been putting towards our holidays etc. He earns more than me.

I am totally blindsided and don’t know what to do next?! When I’ve talked to him he said he hasn’t ruled out reconciling but doesn’t know how things are expected to change when we’ve already discussed and had counselling about this issue before. I’d be willing to make more of an effort but it’s just not on my radar as much as him.

Ideas? He’s really calm and just seems a bit sad and in “I’ve got a plan” mode?! I’ve been frustrated upset and shocked and asked him to stay and talk but he’s just been going back to air bnb and wants to talk when situation a bit clearer and calmer? Kids are okay but confused their day is pretty much the same.

What's his expectations around actually sex itself.

When we had 3/4 young DC we still had very regular sec but honestly they were all quickies because we were tired and I felt touched out.

The thought of a 30 minute plus session would have just been NO.

He seems unrealistic about the impact having 3 DC is on being sexually intimate.

Agree, this was doomed from the start. A pity that the kids will be the most affected.

"To book an air Bnb and pack a bag feels a bit dramatic though"

To me this shows that you still aren't taking him seriously. How many times could he express the same feelings and continue to be dismissed/ignored? At some point, discussion becomes futile.

He was clear that he didn't want a sexless marriage but in everything you have written about him your dh seems very cold and calculated. Yes perhaps you dropped the ball a bit in not initiating, but it strikes me that if you are a reasonably affectionate couple who love and fancy each other then opportunities would just happen naturally. His reluctance to initiate is partly to blame imo, assuming you are enthusiastic when he does. Relationships and sex naturally ebb and flow, it might be just my interpretation but your dh seems very rigid in his outlook. Whoever is 'at fault' though, it seems sex has been an issue between you right from the beginning, counselling hasn't helped, so maybe separation is the only solution.

Twice a month would be too little for me. It's incompatibility. Hopefully, you can maintain a friendship and co-parent effectively.

@fashionqueen0123 She doesn't want to go to bed with him anyway!! Which is the entire problem.

@NewGreenDuck summed it up so well. It's so easy to get in to a habit of just drifting along without sex. Because let's face it, there's always a reason not to, right?

I'm tired! I haven't had a shower! I've got a headache!

But before long that just becomes your life. You forget how to be intimate, how to be lovers.

You need to WORK at your marriage. Otherwise, OP has shown you what happens.

This. It sounds like you thought saying the right things would mean he overlooked the fact that, in reality, he was in a sexless marriage.

Surely it's not about who wants sex and who doesnt at the moment, it's the fact that he's fucked off and left OP with 3 small kids! How come he gets to do that? He's a complete arsehole. Get a solicitor on Monday.

You are incompatible sexually and I cannot see that changing as it has been there since the very beginning. It was something you should have taken seriously in the beginning and not get married and build life together but look for better compatible partners instead. Counselling etc will just delay the inevitable. I would just concentrate on sorting out the separation and practical things and build a new life as a single mum.

So if this is a wake up call what do other people do?
Are you happy to intiate or go along with things when you’re not in the mood because it’s important to your partner and to maintain the marriage?

I don’t think having sex a few times a month is sexless per se but appreciate its not as much as he would like.

@WomanFromTheNorth why is it selfish to want regular sex with someone you're married to?

Sex isn't a disgusting thing you only do to make babies. It's fun, exciting, passionate, it keeps you connected to your partner. It's something you can only do with that person which makes it really special and meaningful.

But then some people just don't enjoy sex - and that's fine too. There are plenty of asexual relationships which is great for them.

I think it's unfair to criticise OPs husband for something he's always been clear is important to him. It would be different if he'd never said anything and then all of a sudden started demanding sex. That's not the case at all.

Since there was clearly an issue before you got married as he mentioned it at that time and nothings changed is there likely to be a way back from this OP.
I’m assuming as you got married you agreed with him at the time.
Its been at least 7years and nothings changed so he’s left.

A frank discussion about separation and divorce is what’s needed here

OP you’re being a bit contradictory; when you respond to others like this, it’s like you’re defending him, or think this can be fixed if you put out more. You know that’s not true. It’s not about being on the ball.

In the last few years you have had sex at the frequency you felt comfortable with! You need to come to terms with the fact that you naturally have a lower sex drive than he does, you can’t force a higher sex drive by being “on the ball”. If you wanted frequent sex with him, it would naturally happen without much thought/effort. You’re more comfortable not having/initiating sex. Maybe you two are fundamentally not compatible and it’s the right decision to separate…

I don’t actually think he’s in the wrong by breaking up and going to an Airbnb. It’s a problem you have discussed before in counselling so it’s not out of the blue. You think he should have discussed it again, but I don’t think there’s much of a discussion to be had as he obviously doesn’t want you to force yourself to have sex with him.

A sex therapist can’t increase your sex drive to match his unfortunately - they’re not a miracle cure.

I think @MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira has made some good points. He feels unloved and this intimacy or touch is important to him. It's clearly not especially important to you. Which is fine incidentally and also understandable but I do think it's clearly affected him than you maybe realised?

I know you've tried the counselling but it didn't sound like it came up with anything much constructive. Is it worth trying someone else? Assuming you both think there's something worth saving.
Is there some compromise you could find here ? You could try some date nights for example ? If you can find a babysitter.
I think you need to have some space to work it through

Lots of good advice here. Don't panic. As with the difficult practical questions, let him sort it. Let him work out where he is going to host / spend time with the kids. Tell him he will need to explain to the kids that Christmas arrangements will be changing.

You end the relationship if you’re not compatible. No one thinks you should force yourself into it.

Also the wake up call should have been the conversation he had with you before you got married. Or the fact you had counselling to discuss this. You didn’t take him seriously.

He said it was important before they got married and OP agreed but he happily churned out three kids and expected nothing to change. It's not realistic for any relationship. People get ill, have bad and any range of reasons that might mean their sexual relationship take a hit. Normal relationships have peaks and troughs.

OP I know this will be difficult but you are better off without him.

Well I think the H not wanting non-sex intimacy as "what's the point" (OP's most recent post) does slightly tip the balance.

I would feel a bit objectified if that were me. No point in hugging or kissing your wife, the mother of your children? (especially when she had 3 as you wanted, when she would have stopped at 2).

It does suggest someone who thinks what he wants and needs is most important.

Saying "well once a week but you have to remember to initiate" is kind of setting someone busy up to fail.

No one should have sex they don't want.

You move on, get a divorce, and parent as friends.

This was an issue he raised before marriage, and has raised several times since so it was a problem before the stress of raising young children. Twice a month isn’t enough for him. He told you he wanted you to initiate more and you haven’t.

I don’t think either of you are wrong, you’re just not compatible. There’s no compromise to be had here - he wants sex more than twice a month, and you should never have sex that you don’t want.

He has left because despite talking and counselling, nothing has changed. I would see a solicitor and accept that your marriage is over.

I've read through the thread and this situation has very much divided the opinions of the crowd hasn't it?
I can't imagine ruining a happy family because we'd hit a dry spell sexually but it sounds like your sex drives are completely mismatched.
Maybe this isn't a dry spell and just how it'll be and he doesn't want to miss out on a roaring sex life.
What would you like to happen @Newstart2024?
Also before I get jumped on for suggesting this I'm not saying he definitely has, but has he met someone else? Most people leaving a marriage or LTR usually have a set of arms waiting in the wings to fall into. I'm currently going through this somewhat myself in our friendship group, a male friend is giving us all the script as he's left our other friend giving all the bollocks excuses he can cough up, but has been spotted out loads with a new colleague all over her.
So has he had mentionitis or any weird behaviour over his devices?

Not imitate all the time but to do some of it I think it’s more around a fear or rejection.

I know I’m defending him a lot but in fairness I don’t think I can reproach him for anything. Might have been nice to have a heads up around separation before packing a bag though.

I think you’ve come to the end of the rd
I don’t think anyone is a villain in this setup

The pair of you have tried to sort it and been unable to

I don't see how you can be blindsided. This has been a consistent issue throughout your relationship that you've had counseling for. He put his libe in the sand. Once a week. You know you haven't been doing that so it's no surprise he's left, you can't have expected him to stay in a sexless marriage when he made it clear he wouldn't.

There's no animosity, you can have a friendly, healthy coparenting relationship for your kids so focus on moving forward as parents.

@Newstart2024 what you do is find a partner with whom sex twice a month is fine. There is nothing wrong with your sex drive and you don't need to change or force yourself to have sex you don't want to have. Likewise, there's nothing wrong with your husband's.

Being in a relationship where you feel under pressure to perform your once a week duty sex isn't right, no one should feel like they have to have sex. And him feeling undesired and being unable to have that regular sexual bond with someone who also passionately wants it also isn't right. It's unfair to you both.

You shouldn't have married each other. But it's too late for that now. Your focus now is separating amicably with as little disruption for the children.

@Phineyj but asking the OP to initiate means that he doesn't feel like he is trying to force her, or guilt trip her. If she initiates then it means she wants to have sex at that time.