Resentment - should we split up?

[Gt360]

Hi, Long story time… I’m a first time mum, and after having my child had overwhelming emotions that I didn’t want to go back to work and put her into childcare. I took the decision to take redundancy before that with the intention of finding a job but towards the end it that this became more and more apparent that I couldn’t leave her with someone else after viewing nurseries - so ended up with me for 2 years.

My partner has never forgiven me for that and thinks regardless of how I felt that I should have gone back to work and contributed - his had to contribute for the last 1 year or so fully to bills and now she’s in nursery aged 2 as after a long battle of viewing we found one we were both happy with.

Our relationship is at the end of its road and his said he wants me to pay him back in full. We have had counselling and the counsellor agreed I made an emotional decision and he was just looking at it purely from a logical perspective but I wasn’t in the right space to do that and she totally gets it.

I said to him today it doesn’t seem fair for me to pay it all back where as if I did what he wanted - she would be in childcare from 1 year and we would of had childcare fees to split so it’s only fair to minus that off the childcare as if I wasn’t looking after her someone would get paid. He doesn’t see it like that and quotes stress and that I’m a horrible person for saying that.

He resents me and I resent him for making me pay it back without deducting the childcare costs. This could get messy but am I being unreasonable to agree to pay him back minus childcare costs? It’s a messy situation as we own property together, have spare embryos from IVF and I do want another child but he doesn’t based on this whole scenario and I’m older and really haven’t got many financial options at the moment - I’m looking for work.

I said to him I would make the same decision again to stay off with her but put something in place financially to work part time after she was 1 if I had to do it again, he doesn’t understand and never will.

Opinions on what I should do as there is resentment both ends and I’m doing what I can to cook all the time, he does clean and so do I where I can, she’s in nursery now but I feel like what’s the point if I’m going to have to get back on my feet and owe him 1 year of bills which will take me ages to get back. I’m also trying to start a business alongside finding a day job which his got no belief in.

Please opinions needed on what I should do, I don’t want to be a single mum but may have to be but I’m in my 40s and feel it would take too long to find another man to have a child with - obviously making sure this time I have the funds to support and contribute to the household to have 2 years off.

Break up sell the house split it 50/50 and walk away and I don’t think you pay him back but certainly if you need to take childcare but housekeeping etc costs off

Don't be daft, you owe him nothing.

Tell him to sue you for it, see how far he gets.

Laughable bullshit.

And yes you should split up.

Hey thanks do you mean take childcare costs off but pay back house keeping costs which was what I thought was more reasonable? Why do you say to split up?

Is the house owned 50/50?
I presume you are not married?
In England?

sell the house, split 50/50 assuming you don’t have any former argreementd.

Dont give him any money for the missed year. He’s all about the money. If he wasnt he’d understand he saved on childcare. He’s a money grabber. So just ensure he gets his legal entitlement and walk away. He will no doubt want 50/50 (but you to cover - sick days, holidays, teacher training days, payment for all clothes, trips, gifts, parties, childcare and clubs). He’s Greedy McGreedison. Was he always about the money?

Don't give him a penny
Obviously if you split up he's entitled to half the house or whatever but don't give him anything he says you owe him

This.

John Gottman is the best relationship author in my opinion. He discusses resentment. If you want to fix it you could read his work. Google the 4 horsemen. His books are worth reading for future relationships if nothing else.

But maybe he wants his money then he will leave. Will he really consent to the ivf again?

Do you even love him? Or like him? Why do you want to stay together?

Ok I’m thinking I’m being unreasonable and made to feel guilty lots of the time, but I keep thinking of my child and we’ve come from a single parent household and I swore I was going to try my hardest not to do that but now I’m thinking of making it a reality sadly.

Part of me things I should get a male opinion but then they all seem to have this logical mind right? Plus his mum worked and put him in childcare (like my single mum) so seems to think well my friend has why am I any different etc - I was a really anxious Mum which I’m much better with now but still have that (we had miscarriage before her).

My god, he wants to punish you financially for making the decision to look after your child you made together? He's unhinged and would be laughed out of court for it.

Your relationship is done, I couldn't respect him at all after this. Go 50/50 on the house and walk away.

Do not 'pay him back' he is ridiculous. Did you get a redundancy payment?

It is really bizarre that he can't see that you stayed at home for your child and not for yourself. You missed out on pension contributions, annual leave and career progression for yourself. The above would need to come off any 'payment' as well as childcare.

He can't make you pay it back so tbh I wouldn't.

He sounds vile

whatever the rights and wrongs of your decision he is behaving in a disgusting way

don't pay him a penny - accept your relationship is broken and get away.

Pay him back for what? His responsibility is to look after his family for a year or however long it takes as a partnership. Tell him no; it's a ridiculous suggestion.

He will leave once you pay him back.

Yes we own it 50/50, unmarried been together nearly 12 years and in the UK. Unfortunately he says I’m not the person I said I was (pre kids) - which I’m not guess a child has changed me. We do have relationship issues around my anger, him feeling disrespected etc - so there is lots of things wrong but we’ve been trying to work at it). I just feel like why am I giving him all the understanding and space when his busy working, time out, making and getting child ready for nursery everyday if essentially he wants to pay it back and sees no value in it aka me. He does help with childcare but it’s very much like hey leave me alone this is my main job and I’m gonna the main contributor etc so I’m always cooking and having to do lots of stuff food wise before I’m allowed to go out in rare occasions, weekends I never have much time unless I go do shopping by myself etc - we don’t have childcare support near us apart from nursery.

His always has a 50/50 split mindset and is very principled in terms of he doesn’t ever want to be a sole breadwinner - women must work type thing that has become more apparent after having a child - it was never an issue until I had a child as always paid in that way if not more sometimes on things he wouldn’t pay for when buying childcare clothes etc - I didn’t keep track.

i think we don’t want to be another statistic- being a product of a single parent household and BAME ourselves we feel a sense of wanting to stick together for our child and work things out as we hold onto our past selves as we did love each other at one point deeply and I still have elements of that but it’s getting overshadowed - part of me feels if money was back in and everything split halfway there would be nothing he could moan about but it’s lots of pressure knowing he doesn’t see value in me being at home with my child like me in those crucial infant years.

He went into childcare as a baby and so did I - our mums worked arse off then so he is a replicator of doing that again. I didn’t say I would never work but was very much like I wanted my child to be more able to communicate before going into childcare in hindsight which I only learnt after having her and all the emotions and anxiety.

I couldn't stay in a relationship with a man who behaved like this. Please don't have another child with him! You don't owe him anything and I wouldn't be 'paying him back' anything. Sell your house, take your split and leave.

Have you already decided to split up? If so, then I would get legal advice on how you should split finances.

If you want to make it work then you both have to work to get past this issue - neither of you is blameless in the situation and both of you need to listen to each other, accept that the other has been hurt and work on being a team.

Yes when you look at it like that it does seem the right thing to do. He basically said I didn’t sign up to this type thing and we go around in a circle talking about this. It’s been really hard to get a job with the gap in my CV and I am looking I really am.

just worried about starting over with nothing and I’ve built up a nice community where I live but feel I might want to move further away but then don’t want to disrupt my child.

plus my fertility being older 40 and just the conundrum of having our potential babies destroyed in an IVF lab as we’ve got frozen eggs and I’ve got so much emotional and religious guilt of doing that and have this thing of not wanting kids to have different dads :-( I know if could be done but I just never ever wanted this - but it feels like how can I get rid of this resentment if I’m paying him back and once on my feet it just like you say doesn’t seem right.

Also charge him for laundry, cleaner services, cook services, personal assistant services etc

I saw a post on here about life insurance and someone said her role at home was costed by the insurance company at £100,000 per annum (to buy the help in). So he might end up owing you money.

I wouldn't mean actually charge him, I'd show him the workings. He's being a dick

Yes I did get redunandancy payment and used that to pay for all bills as normal plus other bits but essentially that allows me to have an extended maternity leave and my old job would not allow me to work part time so had to take redundancy.

The redundancy money ran out and his had to takeover paying all bills.

okay so while I can see both sides of this he is more wrong than you.

your relationship and priorities changes when you had a child. That is pretty common and he doesn’t seem to be logical or emotionally intelligent. So don’t let him gaslight you into thinking he is smarter than you.

you took a decision that involved him without involving him. You can’t unilaterally decide to be a stay at home mother if your partner isn’t willing to shoulder the financial burden of that. It’s a privilege that a lot of parents just can’t do (unless they are willing to live off benefits). So I do see his point - but only to a point.

don’t pay him back - your child benefited from your care and he is being an arse not to see that.

i don’t think he respects you - and I don’t think you respect him.

Kinda said I would out of a weird I don’t want to owe him anything type thing but now it just doesn’t sit right with me the more I think about it.

Wow yeah I see how all those things add up - it’s so sad that it’s devalued some of these things!

I think you absolutely should pay him back. Once you have billed him for carrying and birthing his child, and looking after the DC for 2 years, doing any housework/mental load over your 50% allocation. Calculate an hourly rate for all of the above, deduct the amount you would have bringing in to the household if you hadn't stayed home, and then send him the bill. The leave him.