Resentment - should we split up?

[Gt360]

Hi, Long story time… I’m a first time mum, and after having my child had overwhelming emotions that I didn’t want to go back to work and put her into childcare. I took the decision to take redundancy before that with the intention of finding a job but towards the end it that this became more and more apparent that I couldn’t leave her with someone else after viewing nurseries - so ended up with me for 2 years.

My partner has never forgiven me for that and thinks regardless of how I felt that I should have gone back to work and contributed - his had to contribute for the last 1 year or so fully to bills and now she’s in nursery aged 2 as after a long battle of viewing we found one we were both happy with.

Our relationship is at the end of its road and his said he wants me to pay him back in full. We have had counselling and the counsellor agreed I made an emotional decision and he was just looking at it purely from a logical perspective but I wasn’t in the right space to do that and she totally gets it.

I said to him today it doesn’t seem fair for me to pay it all back where as if I did what he wanted - she would be in childcare from 1 year and we would of had childcare fees to split so it’s only fair to minus that off the childcare as if I wasn’t looking after her someone would get paid. He doesn’t see it like that and quotes stress and that I’m a horrible person for saying that.

He resents me and I resent him for making me pay it back without deducting the childcare costs. This could get messy but am I being unreasonable to agree to pay him back minus childcare costs? It’s a messy situation as we own property together, have spare embryos from IVF and I do want another child but he doesn’t based on this whole scenario and I’m older and really haven’t got many financial options at the moment - I’m looking for work.

I said to him I would make the same decision again to stay off with her but put something in place financially to work part time after she was 1 if I had to do it again, he doesn’t understand and never will.

Opinions on what I should do as there is resentment both ends and I’m doing what I can to cook all the time, he does clean and so do I where I can, she’s in nursery now but I feel like what’s the point if I’m going to have to get back on my feet and owe him 1 year of bills which will take me ages to get back. I’m also trying to start a business alongside finding a day job which his got no belief in.

Please opinions needed on what I should do, I don’t want to be a single mum but may have to be but I’m in my 40s and feel it would take too long to find another man to have a child with - obviously making sure this time I have the funds to support and contribute to the household to have 2 years off.

Thanks for all your viewpoints I’m not going to reply directly to them for another quote and reply situation but it’s been good food for thought at the very least.

What’s your opinion on carer responsibilities marriage vs unmarried? The reason I ask is his way of thinking of me as purely a transactional being when it comes to 50/50 stuff / repayment (his often said why should she get half in divorce type situations as in half of the guys stuff or money when they haven’t earnt it) has got me thinking as I’m in the 40 bracket how he would be if I got ill god forbid or if he did.

When we are in our later years as he can’t really cook (immense pressure on me to always do it otherwise he won’t eat properly at moment) how awful it would be or maybe he would be the type to send me into a home (that’s not in our culture by the way).

Whats the best way to iron these things out before as his not good with the unexpected, illness or when people pass (seen first hand and rely on me to help or suggest stuff) and the potential for him if we were to get married makes me think is that covered in pre marriage counselling or do you just blatantly have a sit down- as I don’t want to yes another I as it’s about me this time - continue to invest into something where he’ll just cart me off to a home if I get ill and wouldn’t care for me. That’s a deep situation as with in home help if needed I would care for him no matter what rather then put him in a home.

I'm basically asking what’s the best way to approach that type of conversation now (should it be with a counsellor and if so what type) it can be a deal breaker if he says something like it’s too much to bear and you’d go in a home (again like I said not in either of our cultures by the way to do that) and obviously his not next of kin yet but would be if married.

@Gt360 what do you want? And why are you with him?

because he needs you to cook and do the childcare while he works but what does he bring for you

what are your dealbreakers - and are you prepared to walk away

Thanks - no marriage and not having another child was and is still a dealbreaker / pre and post baby - which I’ve communicated. Im a product of being an only child so there is a deeper reason why I want my child to have another sibling which he won’t understand as his not but sorta gets it - his said fine if things were in place then these things can happen so I will be holding him to that.

I do think we get on - when things are going well and we don’t argue - he does too - we can be bonded and share interests plus companionship, makes me laugh - he has some nice qualities and is a good dad minus not doing kid activities much if on weekends but guess his tired from work. We can and do balance each other out most of the time as his just pure logic and I bring the emotion and am quite good with not making him anxious about stuff in terms of the way I can approach certain things. He still says he loves me and that I’ve got so much potential and I do see that in him too.

the carer stuff is important too as I don’t have siblings and my own deeper morale compass on that.

I understand cooking when he works but actually I was doing it whilst working full time and still do it on weekends too - I love nice food and cooking but god need a break in the week or someone to be able to throw down a nice plate of food for once when I’m burnt out.

Then you communicate that what you want is marriage and a commitment and a proper trusting partnership that isn’t transactional and constantly needing things to be financial shared 50/50 because at some points both of you will need to be covered. What you do need to be 50/50 is the responsibilities of being a parent/running a household and being a partner with the understanding that sometimes again this changes

and if he isn’t all in to that then you don’t want the relationship

Thanks this makes a lot of sense to me and I will do just that on our next sit down!

It is a piss take - he has no right to expect his mum in her 70s to effectively take up a full time job looking after his child for free! Anyone who has had a child knows it's hard work even in your 30s let alone four decades later, his mum's already done her time, she deserves a peaceful retirement.

He doesn't value traditionally female labour like childrearing, cooking etc, all he can see are the pound signs. He wants you earning and doing everything else. He's exactly the kind of man that would leave you if you got diagnosed with cancer or MS or dementia, because you'd no longer be "contributing" and he's already proven that he doesn't see it as his role to take care of his family.

I know you don't want to be a single parent or have an only child, but you cannot rely on this man for your future.

regardless of this being true I made the best decision in the interests of me and my child.

Of you and your child. Firstly I suspect you do very much see her as your child. Which will make it difficult for him to be involved. I guess in terms of looking after her it's your way or the highway. Secondly, while you were making 'the best' decisons for you and your child, where was your consideration for him and his best interests? Absolutely nowhere from what I can tell. You told him this was how it was going to be which also told him, even if not in so many words, that he was going to be working to pay for it all whether he liked it or not.

This feels like six of one and half a dozen of the other. You told him how it was going to be, he's telling you how it's going to be. Neither of you come out of this smelling of roses but I do feel like you started it.

Man here. If I was your other half and you had my baby, I wouldn’t expect you to work until the child was in school, wouldn’t expect you to work full time until the kids were older secondary school age. You are a couple, so it is family money, so there should be nothing to pay back, I wouldn’t expect you to.

This is a little odd. You’re not her partner. She’s not going to get with you.

She said she wanted a man’s view. I was giving a man’s view

Woman here: my dh and I mutually agreed that he would earn the money and I would be a SAH and raise our children. We could afford it and this worked for us. When the children were older I retooled and went to work in a new profession and he retired. Its not shocking or terrifying for a family to make that decision and with nursery costs so high in the UK it makes sense.

Of course it is absolutely a decision couples can and do make.

The issue here is OP made that decision for her and her partner apparently without consulting her partner or thinking he has a right to a view.

Thanks all we’ve agreed to work it out (with conditions for both myself and him) and he has now admitted he didn’t want me to pay it back but said it out of frustration and anger.

This relationship is dead. You make a selfish choice that you stand by claiming it was an 'emotional' decision and therefore seem to want to wash your hands of that decision and he's unable to get past that.

The fact you want to bring another baby into this is horrifying.

And it is a privilege to be a SAHM, it's a choice you make not to work. Most people can't afford that so aren't privileged enough to be able to do it. I was lucky and I could, and I'm grateful we class all our money as joint so don't have any of this nonsense.

Him saying he wants paying back is revolting too. That ship has sailed.

You need to split and both stop living with huge resentments. It's poisonous.

Cross post.

Lots of things are said in anger.

Good luck to you but please have a long think before getting pregnant with this man.

@Gt360 - many other people have addressed the main points so I’m just going to flag a couple of things.

Firstly, you refer to having a gap in your CV. Gaps are only problematic if unexplained - you were being an SAHM for a period and that is easily explained and not an issue.

Secondly, you keep saying “my child” rather than “our child”. That suggests you are thinking in a way that excludes your partner from the family unit. That is unhelpful to the dynamic. This doesn’t really sound fixable anyway but if you want to have a hope of things transforming you need to change that thinking. I think the suggestion you pay him back is bonkers but you also need to acknowledge that it was a huge thing to force him into the role of being sole earner when you knew it was unacceptable to him and that it wasn’t a sacrifice on your part but a privilege to be able to have that time.

Words can be a very powerful thing - “your relationship is dead” you say in conclusion - really it’s just as dead to me as your thoughts are now. Why you ask as I’ve asked for unbiased opinions? Well once we’ve made a decision offline it doesn’t have an effect, plus you have a snippet of our relationship you (plus everyone else) are making a judgement on.

I’m however glad you and others have got it off their chest like judge and jury. So worked up by the fact she is my child - yes I can say my or our - it doesn’t deem it any less factual that she is our child and in our relationship we use the term either my or our to describe her. I’m pretty sure if all your relationships were analysed it wouldn’t be Rosie either but we know what we can have and are focused on building that. Thanks though.

I totally understand the thinking behind the message and know it was just genuine advice not looking for a date as a previous poster suggested! I did ask for a males point of view and as it’s Mumsnet to the previous poster - it’s very hard to tell who is a male by a username. Thanks for your opinion and I think it’s the only one of only a couple of males who agreed with me so sorry that your thoughts were teared down by the previous poster.l trying to imply something it really wasn’t!

What do you owe him???? My God don't pay him a cent!

I would tell him I have been thinking and I won’t be paying him one single fucking penny. If he wants things to be equal, let him start parenting. Let him repay you all the childcare and house keeping he hasn’t done. Childcare doesn’t cook your child dinner and do their bath and put them to bed, childcare doesn’t cook the child’s dad dinner and clean up afterwards. Someone has to drop them and pick them up from childcare and which one would he like to do from now on? You tell him that he’s been devaluing everything you do so he can do his share, since he thinks he should be repaid for you not earning, you expect him to repay you too, in full or no deal. And find your rage - tell him when he cooks dinner he needs to follow a recipe and cook something that’s actually nice to eat, a capable adult can do that so it’s time he started.

@Gt360 - sorry I missed your update:

“Gt360 · Today 08:19

Thanks all we’ve agreed to work it out (with conditions for both myself and him) and he has now admitted he didn’t want me to pay it back but said it out of frustration and anger.”

That’s great news. Good luck.

This! I feel like there’s more to this and he does more than what is mentioned here. Does he help out before he leaves for work and after? Was he involved in decisions for your child or did you try to control everything?

I hope you don’t mind, but I wanted to share a few (a lot) thoughts lol, as I’ve witnessed something similar. I’m so sorry you both are going through this. I’m glad the air is cleared in that he didn’t actually want you to pay the money back and it was said out of anger/resentment, however I can see why he felt that way.

It appears that you may overlook the major importance of shared decision-making, making significant choices without fully considering your partner’s input or needs. At times, there seems to be focus primarily on your perspective and sacrifices, which might make you partner feel his own contributions and feelings are undervalued. Your reluctance to compromise on financial issues and future plans, are unintentionally creating an imbalance and tension in your relationship. Recognising these areas and working on mutual respect, empathy, and compromise could help strengthen your partnership.

Expecting your partner’s perspective to change while holding on to yours firmly, even if it’s against his wishes will create more tension. This insistence, while disregarding his views, could reflect a pattern where you expect him to eventually align with your perspective, rather than finding a shared approach that respects both of your needs.

From what you’ve mentioned about your partner, he demonstrates commitment and responsibility by shouldering the family’s financial needs, especially during a challenging time. Despite his frustrations, he has clarified that he didn’t want you to pay him back, he’s continued to provide stability and appears to genuinely care about building a future together. His involvement in selecting a suitable nursery and staying engaged in his child’s care show that he is committed to being an active parent. His concern for his child’s well-being is a positive quality that speaks to his dedication.

I assume he initiated the counselling due to the resentment he was feeling etc, which shows he values the relationship and is willing to work through difficult issues. His logical perspective brings balance, aiming to ensure that the both of you and your child are secure financially and emotionally. His desire for fairness and teamwork reflects his dedication to a strong and stable partnership.
It was mentioned that he also is involved with the some of the childcare, majority of the cleaning and previously some cooking, although not up to your standards. This man appears to be doing a lot.

Joint decision making is key in a relationship. Making major decisions, like staying home full-time without equal input from your partner will leave him to feel excluded or undervalued. Focusing mainly on your sacrifices or struggles could make him feel like his experiences aren’t being acknowledged. Listening to each other’s needs and finding compromise can make decisions feel more mutual and prevent misunderstandings.

Minimising his financial role, suggesting that you don’t owe him anything could overlook his contributions to the family, which might make him feel his efforts aren’t fully recognised. Disregarding his viewpoint\logical perspective could unintentionally convey that only your emotional needs matter, rather than respecting both perspectives.

When you continue to push for future decisions despite his hesitations, it may make him feel pressured, rather than supported in the decision-making.
Both you and your partner seem to be are holding onto past hurts. Working toward forgiveness and focusing on moving forward can help you both start fresh. Continue to do couples counselling to let go of resentment and to heal and reconnect.

Financial stress can weigh heavily on a relationship. Consider making a plan with your partner that addresses both of your needs. This might include deciding on fair contributions or repayment that you both agree on. Showing a commitment to contributing financially, even gradually, could help rebuild trust and reduce any feelings of imbalance.

Staying together is still possible if you really work on rebuilding trust, create a balanced partnership, and work together on both the practical and emotional aspects of your relationship. Relationships take patience, empathy, and compromise, and it sounds like you both have strengths that could bring you closer. Wishing you all the best on this journey.

Just a few questions as food for thought:

• As he is now paying for nursery fees on top of the all the bills, food, counselling etc, did he have to take on more hours at work/shifts/second job?
• Has your quality of life been changed drastically as a family?
• What are some ways he has shown support for you, even if indirectly, during this period or previous times?
• Did he ever cook a “good” meal, breakfast/lunch/dinner? I feel like you may have a high expectation for him to cook like you lol.
• Do you view him as an equal partner in your relationship?
• What if he was unable to work anymore?

I hope you don’t mind, but I wanted to share a few (a lot) thoughts lol, as I’ve witnessed something similar. I’m so sorry you both are going through this. I’m glad the air is cleared in that he didn’t actually want you to pay the money back and it was said out of anger/resentment, however I can see why he felt that way.

It appears that you may overlook the major importance of shared decision-making, making significant choices without fully considering your partner’s input or needs. At times, there seems to be focus primarily on your perspective and sacrifices, which might make you partner feel his own contributions and feelings are undervalued. Your reluctance to compromise on financial issues and future plans, are unintentionally creating an imbalance and tension in your relationship. Recognising these areas and working on mutual respect, empathy, and compromise could help strengthen your partnership.

Expecting your partner’s perspective to change while holding on to yours firmly, even if it’s against his wishes will create more tension. This insistence, while disregarding his views, could reflect a pattern where you expect him to eventually align with your perspective, rather than finding a shared approach that respects both of your needs.

From what you’ve mentioned about your partner, he demonstrates commitment and responsibility by shouldering the family’s financial needs, especially during a challenging time. Despite his frustrations, he has clarified that he didn’t want you to pay him back, he’s continued to provide stability and appears to genuinely care about building a future together. His involvement in selecting a suitable nursery and staying engaged in his child’s care show that he is committed to being an active parent. His concern for his child’s well-being is a positive quality that speaks to his dedication.

I assume he initiated the counselling due to the resentment he was feeling etc, which shows he values the relationship and is willing to work through difficult issues. His logical perspective brings balance, aiming to ensure that the both of you and your child are secure financially and emotionally. His desire for fairness and teamwork reflects his dedication to a strong and stable partnership.
It was mentioned that he also is involved with the some of the childcare, majority of the cleaning and previously some cooking, although not up to your standards. This man appears to be doing a lot.

Joint decision making is key in a relationship. Making major decisions, like staying home full-time without equal input from your partner will leave him to feel excluded or undervalued. Focusing mainly on your sacrifices or struggles could make him feel like his experiences aren’t being acknowledged. Listening to each other’s needs and finding compromise can make decisions feel more mutual and prevent misunderstandings.

Minimising his financial role, suggesting that you don’t owe him anything could overlook his contributions to the family, which might make him feel his efforts aren’t fully recognised. Disregarding his viewpoint\logical perspective could unintentionally convey that only your emotional needs matter, rather than respecting both perspectives.

When you continue to push for future decisions despite his hesitations, it may make him feel pressured, rather than supported in the decision-making.
Both you and your partner seem to be are holding onto past hurts. Working toward forgiveness and focusing on moving forward can help you both start fresh. Continue to do couples counselling to let go of resentment and to heal and reconnect.

Financial stress can weigh heavily on a relationship. Consider making a plan with your partner that addresses both of your needs. This might include deciding on fair contributions or repayment that you both agree on. Showing a commitment to contributing financially, even gradually, could help rebuild trust and reduce any feelings of imbalance.

Staying together is still possible if you really work on rebuilding trust, create a balanced partnership, and work together on both the practical and emotional aspects of your relationship. Relationships take patience, empathy, and compromise, and it sounds like you both have strengths that could bring you closer. Wishing you all the best on this journey.

Just a few questions as food for thought:

• As he is now paying for nursery fees on top of the all the bills, food, counselling etc, did he have to take on more hours at work/shifts/second job?
• Has your quality of life been changed drastically as a family?
• What are some ways he has shown support for you, even if indirectly, during this period or previous times?
• Did he ever cook a “good” meal, breakfast/lunch/dinner? I feel like you may have a high expectation for him to cook like you lol.
• Do you view him as an equal partner in your relationship?
• What if he was unable to work anymore?