Resentment - should we split up?

[Gt360]

Hi, Long story time… I’m a first time mum, and after having my child had overwhelming emotions that I didn’t want to go back to work and put her into childcare. I took the decision to take redundancy before that with the intention of finding a job but towards the end it that this became more and more apparent that I couldn’t leave her with someone else after viewing nurseries - so ended up with me for 2 years.

My partner has never forgiven me for that and thinks regardless of how I felt that I should have gone back to work and contributed - his had to contribute for the last 1 year or so fully to bills and now she’s in nursery aged 2 as after a long battle of viewing we found one we were both happy with.

Our relationship is at the end of its road and his said he wants me to pay him back in full. We have had counselling and the counsellor agreed I made an emotional decision and he was just looking at it purely from a logical perspective but I wasn’t in the right space to do that and she totally gets it.

I said to him today it doesn’t seem fair for me to pay it all back where as if I did what he wanted - she would be in childcare from 1 year and we would of had childcare fees to split so it’s only fair to minus that off the childcare as if I wasn’t looking after her someone would get paid. He doesn’t see it like that and quotes stress and that I’m a horrible person for saying that.

He resents me and I resent him for making me pay it back without deducting the childcare costs. This could get messy but am I being unreasonable to agree to pay him back minus childcare costs? It’s a messy situation as we own property together, have spare embryos from IVF and I do want another child but he doesn’t based on this whole scenario and I’m older and really haven’t got many financial options at the moment - I’m looking for work.

I said to him I would make the same decision again to stay off with her but put something in place financially to work part time after she was 1 if I had to do it again, he doesn’t understand and never will.

Opinions on what I should do as there is resentment both ends and I’m doing what I can to cook all the time, he does clean and so do I where I can, she’s in nursery now but I feel like what’s the point if I’m going to have to get back on my feet and owe him 1 year of bills which will take me ages to get back. I’m also trying to start a business alongside finding a day job which his got no belief in.

Please opinions needed on what I should do, I don’t want to be a single mum but may have to be but I’m in my 40s and feel it would take too long to find another man to have a child with - obviously making sure this time I have the funds to support and contribute to the household to have 2 years off.

Your relationship is over.

Pay him back how and for what?

For looking after his baby as part of a loving and stable family relationship and having a break from paid employment in the process.

Is a counsellor entertaining this shite?

I've heard it all now. Get your share of the family assets and get away from this man. He's actually deranged.

thabks - I do all the cooking, majority of the dishwashing, part of the cleaning and all the laundry - let us not forget if I was working the house would still need to get cleaned as we wouldn’t have a cleaner - IMO SAHM doesn’t mean do all the cleaning. IMO he would have the emotional tole if she was in childcare of my anxiety, emotional unhappiness and depression to deal wit but of course bills coming in so maybe that is enough, he even admitted after seeing nurseries that he wasn’t happy with the standards and childminders we visited all were not right for one reason over the other. I’ve got a gig job in the meantime but it’s not enough to bring most of the money needed but will also need time to find a job etc which I do in the day.

please let me know what involvement you mean as we’ve had many conversations of - I say I don’t want to work full time, he says he does want me to. I saw I will look for part time and that’s the cycle we are currently on - he was fine with it whilst I had redundancy money coming in but as soon as that ran out it’s become a burden. I’ve held a few of those myself but for a higher purpose the sacrifice.

1. Being a SAHM is not a sacrifice
2. Your 'partner' is trying to bill you. He was never going to step up with the housework.
3. You have made a huge decision that has a massive impact on him without his agreement, of course he's angry.

Whatever the rights and wrongs are you are not compatible. Just end it and move on. Sitting there with both of you simmering with resentment sounds miserable.

Clearly you can’t pay him back, I think this is about the sheer level of resentment he feels for being forced into a position he didn’t wish. Many would feel the same, man or woman of forced into this situation.

i am strongly of the opinion no one should stay home and force their partner to pay for them, without their partners agreement. It is not a unilateral decision one can make. No one is entitled to be paid for. And plenty of women would rather stay home but go to work to pay the bills. That’s life and we adjust.

he is now being ridiculous , and of course you shouldn’t pay, but this just shows how bad the relationship now is due to what occurred. And his level of anger and resentment. It doesn’t excuse it, and as said, you shouldn’t pay. It’s a ludicrous thought, but the resentment and frustration has built up to a terrible level.

Thanks - it is a sacrifice in my opinion as you could be doing something else - I could have a career and out earn him (I was earning more pre baby) but I’ve chosen to take care of my child in the way that feels right for me and some might say what a mother feels it’s right for their child is usually most of the time a good thing) yes it’s a privilege but IMO it is a sacrifice as you can’t get those years back and I’ve essentially put my career on hold and some may say scarified our relationship in terms of quality time.

please just genuinely curious - what do you think being a SAHM is if its not a sacrifice?

A privilege

I’m not sure playing the Martyr and going on about the sacrifice you made is going to have the effect you wish. You chose this. It is what you wanted. Please just own it.

Absolutely.

I’m leaning towards his side as I’d be resentful too if a decision was made like this without my input. Especially considering this

We do have relationship issues around my anger, him feeling disrespected etc - so there is lots of things wrong but we’ve been trying to work at it).

however I don’t agree with paying him back.

It’s not a sacrifice to be able to follow your heart, do what you want and have someone else foot the bill.

I didn’t say I don’t own it but I’m aware of the sacrifice I make - regardless of working or not it’s one big choice isn’t it? To work or not - but thank you.

Haha this.
get a new husband. And a new therapist!

Yes. It's a huge decision. One you made without your partner's consent and expected him to foot the bill.

Duplicate

Just to steer this in a different way. What if I find a job, don’t agree to pay him back and stay with him - can any of you see a way of this working?

Obviously there is counselling - Essentially I would have to work, not in his eyes put a foot wrong (be the perfect cleaning and cooking partner) and be how I was 10 years ago in terms of the best partner with lots of sex - all while my biological clock is ticking and I’m trying to get married and have another child.

in your opinion is it worth it or much better than the alternative of trying to go it alone, find a partner (date), decide if you like each rose to get married and have a baby? Love to know if anyone has tried anything like this or know anyone who has? What did it take to resolve?

Pay him back for raising his child what a horrible b* . Leave him sell the house and tell him he can sing for the 2 years of misery eh what a horrible excuse for a father and husband

Haha yes plus the formula that he saved with me breastfeeding for 18 months 🤣

You don't like each other and have different values. You're both resentful and haven't valued each other's contributions. How on earth can you come back from that?

Also what’s fair here in terms of weekends as it’s both of our free time but I do takeover with childcare as he won’t really do it unless I say I’ve got to go out. It’s uneven playing field in a way as his worked 5 days a week, I work 1 day a week, but don’t I deserve some break on the weekends? He doesn’t really do activities with her that I do in terms of taking her out to do something unless there is a rare family member to visit.

What a cunt. This is not a loving relationship, or teamwork. He's cold

I see the “SAHM are lazy” crowd are back in full force. Decisions about childcare and family are not straightforward and judgement doesn’t help! Women always have to make a sacrifice — whether it’s time with your young child, or career progression. Being a SAHM is not a privilege; it’s just a different choice how best to raise your family. It’s not like OP has been at home for 20 years!

Because he doesn’t respect you or what you do at all

the only reason I would pay anything back and I don’t think you should would be minus the childcare and housekeeping to keep it civil when dealing with co parenting

but there is no way back from this you are neither a partnership nor a family unit

He does help with childcare but it’s very much like hey leave me alone this is my main job and I’m gonna the main contributor etc so I’m always cooking and having to do lots of stuff food wise before I’m allowed to go out in rare occasions, weekends I never have much time unless I go do shopping by myself etc - we don’t have childcare support near us apart from nursery.

His always has a 50/50 split mindset and is very principled in terms of he doesn’t ever want to be a sole breadwinner - women must work type thing that has become more apparent after having a child - it was never an issue until I had a child as always paid in that way if not more sometimes on things he wouldn’t pay for when buying childcare clothes etc - I didn’t keep track.

Soooo..... he's a giant, stinkin' hypocrite.
It's a woman's job to do the food stuff, and the house stuff and the child stuff ... but a woman also needs to be bringing in money.

He's an arsehole. You owe him nothing.

I'd sell the house. He's not going to want the realities of 50/50 if that's his opinion. ANd pursue CM.

Is that the relationship you want though?

You both seem to make decisions independently and the other has to put up with it rather than compromising and agreeing. There has to be a bit of give on both sides - was his give that you use your redundancy then work part time but you changed this and he had to foot the bill for a year which wasn’t what he signed up for?

being a sahm through choice isn’t a sacrifice you have to stop thinking of it in that way.

if you are lucky enough to be a sahm i would expect the house and childcare is 100% your responsibility on his working days and 50/50 on days he’s not at work.

if you had went back to work would you have had a cleaner or would it have been on you anyway?

I've been waiting for someone else to say this, didn't have the nerve myself.
I have always had to pay my way, even when it broke my heart going back to work after paid mat leave, which in the 90s was only 3 months.
In one way I admire you just digging in and refusing, that extra year you spent with your DD can never be taken away.
But I understand his resentment, not so far as demanding you pay him back, but that you broke the 50/50 agreement you had.