Resentment - should we split up?

[Gt360]

Hi, Long story time… I’m a first time mum, and after having my child had overwhelming emotions that I didn’t want to go back to work and put her into childcare. I took the decision to take redundancy before that with the intention of finding a job but towards the end it that this became more and more apparent that I couldn’t leave her with someone else after viewing nurseries - so ended up with me for 2 years.

My partner has never forgiven me for that and thinks regardless of how I felt that I should have gone back to work and contributed - his had to contribute for the last 1 year or so fully to bills and now she’s in nursery aged 2 as after a long battle of viewing we found one we were both happy with.

Our relationship is at the end of its road and his said he wants me to pay him back in full. We have had counselling and the counsellor agreed I made an emotional decision and he was just looking at it purely from a logical perspective but I wasn’t in the right space to do that and she totally gets it.

I said to him today it doesn’t seem fair for me to pay it all back where as if I did what he wanted - she would be in childcare from 1 year and we would of had childcare fees to split so it’s only fair to minus that off the childcare as if I wasn’t looking after her someone would get paid. He doesn’t see it like that and quotes stress and that I’m a horrible person for saying that.

He resents me and I resent him for making me pay it back without deducting the childcare costs. This could get messy but am I being unreasonable to agree to pay him back minus childcare costs? It’s a messy situation as we own property together, have spare embryos from IVF and I do want another child but he doesn’t based on this whole scenario and I’m older and really haven’t got many financial options at the moment - I’m looking for work.

I said to him I would make the same decision again to stay off with her but put something in place financially to work part time after she was 1 if I had to do it again, he doesn’t understand and never will.

Opinions on what I should do as there is resentment both ends and I’m doing what I can to cook all the time, he does clean and so do I where I can, she’s in nursery now but I feel like what’s the point if I’m going to have to get back on my feet and owe him 1 year of bills which will take me ages to get back. I’m also trying to start a business alongside finding a day job which his got no belief in.

Please opinions needed on what I should do, I don’t want to be a single mum but may have to be but I’m in my 40s and feel it would take too long to find another man to have a child with - obviously making sure this time I have the funds to support and contribute to the household to have 2 years off.

It absolutely is a privilege. I was a SAHM and I relied on dh working and supporting me.
I have also supported dh to be a SAHD. It was down to my work he could give up a job he hated without a new one to go to.

What a horror and a hypocrite.
Wants you to be 50/50 and pay your way whilst being nanny and housekeeper?
Get rid of him.
He's a selfish pig.

It's all bullshit. Of course you don't have to pay him back for family childcare that was decided on at the time. He should have sorted it then if he wasn't happy. He can't exact reparations now. Tell him to get fucked. Split the house and have a better life.

Yes he doesn’t cook - when he does it’s usually not great or basic and if I dare criticise it’s an issue. He grew up with his mum working and cooking and essentially hasn’t had to cook for himself really or just not in a great way. the whole boy thing as I got taught.

I think what is incredibly sad is that for him it's all about the money.

He agreed that none of the childcare available at the time was suitable and was very happy for you to look after your child but only until you couldn't pay anymore.

What's that says to me is that he would rather your child be in unsuitable childcare than him have to pay for more. His priority is money/lifestyle whereas yours is your DC.

That does make you incompatible at a fundamental level.

He should have raised it at the time, that you needed to keep looking for childcare and be back earning ASAP as he didn't want you to be a SAHM but he didn't because he knew he would look like a complete arse.

Sure plenty of us have to use childcare that we aren't 100% happy within as we have no financial choice but clearly you as a family could (& can) afford not to.

When you were the higher earner did he financially benefit from it or are things strictly 50:50 back then?

This! You don’t owe him anything. He is being ridiculous.

yes having a child is difficult, and sometimes we change our mind about putting them into childcare compared to what we thought we would do before they were born.
and yes it’s difficult when we disagree with partners about big decisions like this.

but you don’t owe him money!!! The child is both do your responsibility, not just yours !

Op it reads like you only want to stay with him to have another baby and have him continue to foot the bills. So you can stay part time and if another baby comes along, stop working again. Treating him like a sperm donor and walking wallet. There is nothing about loving him. Wanting to be with him. The relationship is over;

yes it was a sacrifice, you sacrificed your relationship, these future embryos. Unless you can convince him to let you go ahead, which seems unlikely and you don’t have the money, and a few years of your career.but you did it as it was what you wished, you wanted the privalge of staying home. Were willing to take the career hit for it, and didn’t think of the ultimate sacrifice.

the relationship can only work if you are both aligned, but it cannot work if you wish one thing and want to force him to go along with it.

I did exactly what you did: agreed to equal split then at 6 months made an emotional decision and couldn’t put her in nursery. Stayed at home another 3-4yrs (had another one). I always had a bit of money coming in as I luckily kept my career, but had it wound down to 0.2.

What it did was take the lid off the fact that all my husband’s “love” was transactional in some way. It made sense to me why he couldn’t identify with the feelings I’d had about staying at home… he was totting everything up all the time. At your stage I did find another job and he said it ‘was about time I pulled my finger out’. I realised he didn’t value the work I’d done raising the children or maybe even women at all….

We’re divorced now. He’s extremely successful at work. I will leave you to guess how frequently he sees his children.*

*Never.

Sounds like this was difficult for both of you and you are both now seeing your relationship in transactional terms. He is concerned with contributing 'fair share' financially without regard for your feelings and in some of your posts you sound like you see him mainly as a dad for your child/ future child or someone to support you financially whilst you are a SAHM or get your business going, rather than as a partner with feelings. It's a good sign that you both wanted counseling, but you seem to be using it to focus on you being 'right' rather than understanding his feelings. If my partner had decided unilaterally to live on my earnings without agreement, when we'd previously agreed to both work, I'd feel cheated and like the rug had been pulled out from under me. Wouldn't you? Yes, there are different societal expectations for men/ women around staying at home, but he must have felt some of this, even though you have been looking after his child. You mentioned his stress. Has he also been working in a stressful job, or longer hours or worrying about debt due to your decision? I can understand though how difficult you found it to go back to work and that you thought it the best decision for your DC. And maybe it was. I'm just saying have you really acknowledged the impact this has had on him and can he see that you care about his feelings? You are hurt that he did not seem to care about your anxiety re childcare, he may have similar feelings of hurt. Could you try further counseling? Your previous counselor does not sound very competent, talking about her own situation in the session.

Asking you to pay back the money seems horribly cold. I agree, looking at it purely as a financial transaction, childcare fees should be deducted, especially as you already contributed your redundancy pay and have offered the option of him reducing his work hours. But I don't think this is really about money. I would be asking myself whether he has always put his own interests first in the relationship ( in which case I'd prepare financially for separation) or whether his current financially grabby behaviour is coming from hurt / anger - him feeling that he lost trust in you and control over his life due to you making a decision unilaterally that had a profound impact on him. As you say, you can't change what is done, but you can change how you respond to each other now. It will be hard to move past this together, but it may not be impossible if you both want to.

It doesn't make sense that you pay 50% of everything, but do 100% of the childcare during the working week. How is he going to pay back his 50% of the labour for the time passed? Is he going to do 50% of the childcare, school/nursery drop offs and pick ups going forward?

He can't have it both ways and can't expect to pay only a 50% contribution with 0% responsibility during his working week. If you're being that transactional about things, even if you managed to pay 50% while not working, you would have to have 50% child free time in the working week for that to be 'fair', which would be a mental way of doing things. It's a nonsense and just doesn't add up.

We have a huge problem in this society in only seeing value in a financial contribution and men, in particular, continuing to get away with selfish and anti family decisions due to this. This applies to elder care as well as child care.

Of course it can’t work. You’ve got anger issues and a victim complex, he’s eaten up with resentment. The relationship is as dead as it could possibly be. What an environment to have a young child living in.

Why’s she in nursery if you’re still not working btw?is that costing money or is it fully funded?

You’re not going to get married, you’re not having a second baby with him. Accept it’s over, try and coparent civilly for the good of your child and go your separate ways.

Bill him for the housekeeping, nursing, cooking, cleaning etc for 24/7 over those two years.

Well good on you both for having that flex - isn’t it a bit rich to say you haven’t sacrificed - sorry I don’t agree why can’t we own a sacrifice whether we work or not? Something gives so IMO that’s just IMO.

my partner often in anger says let split and sell everything - it’s not working and then we go through this cycle of realising that we don’t want that and I say same thing - but we are barely holding on. This happened today when I mentioned not paying back childcare costs (first suggestion ever) then he blew up and said you’re not right for me we should split. It’s so stressful but behind it all I do love him - I see what we once were and what we could be / but it’s only if £ clicks in place that it all holds together / is life about that??

I think for me to continue I would have to dig deep, get a job, get my business off the ground, never rely on him, be the best of everything / but what if I grow and he just stays the same 50/50 split - I’m sure at marriage counselling they don’t encourage that?

Would you have to work full time if you split up ? You would only have your child 50% of the time and would he have to put your child into daycare his 50%of the time. These are issues you need to think about - i think you've changed the goalposts and he's being unreasonable- you need to also work on your relationship not just your child

OP, please don’t have another child with this man. You call him ‘logical’ but he’s not. He’s just incredibly rigid, selfish and demanding.

He says you’ve changed since having a baby — wow, what a surprise! You’re now a mother, and that child’s needs are now your top priority. You believed that your original plan did not meet your baby’s needs, so you adjusted to plan around the baby instead.

His money demands are ridiculous. But at least that reveals his true character. So you know he lacks the qualities a parent and/or partner needs: empathy, flexibility, unselfishness.

It is possible to live together a long time without these issues coming up. Having a baby has brought them to the fore. So you now know you and DC will have a happier and healthier life away from his efforts to control you both.

Edited to add: So please leave him!

If you have a baby someone has to look after her, so either one parent or nursery staff. He is being ridiculous . Charge him for the one on one care your daughter had ! If you can afford as a family for one parent to stay at home when children are very small, and if there is a parent happy to do that, then it is the best thing for the child. He sounds incredibly uncaring of both you and your dd. Very emotionally detached, the whole thing is strange, he is acting as though you aren’t a family, and seems to have no sense of mothering, motherhood, how that changes you. It’s as though he expects his life to trundle on in exactly the same way as before, but that isn’t possible . Does he have any lovable qualities OP ? Because he sounds extremely cold. Have a read up on the sink costs fallacy as that seems relevant to why you are thinking of staying with him.

By the way just to add the counsellor thinks we have something to hold onto - as when we have worked as a team in the past we’ve done so well. It’s just this thing which is massive has torn us apart.

i miss that but feel that I will have to own that he doesn’t see a value in mothering young children like I now do and always will now but his ready to have old fashioned values when his ready of me doing the cooking majority of time which I did whilst working pre baby. I would also have to make sure I’m basically living like an independent all the time and then see if he wants to marry me but ultimately an ultimatum would have to come up next year once this is in place of so u want to marry me and have another child now or not and if joy it would be a goodbye as he knows and I’ve made absolutely clear I want both of those things pre and post child so he knows but uses the let’s see how it goes (after I’ve worked on myself and relationship and says we can’t move forward without working which I know).

It’s crucial to address the fact that the baby was not settling in with a childcare provider.

Predicting this issue is not possible, but it's essential to recognize that the child is part of a family unit. Immediate support from the ops partner is necessary, and they must establish a flexible strategy moving forward. Young children require attentive management and an adaptable approach during their early years.
She doesn't owe him any money or an apology.
He's being a bully.

That’s the thing i would want her with me all the time meaning him to have her one day a week or every other weekend. I’ve got such a close bond with her so 50/50 wouldn’t really work. That’s another reason as yeh he won’t be able to have her during the week for sure.

just the hassle of custody is also another reason to stay as there are some of his family members I wouldn’t want her left alone with.

Yes we tried a childminder - his idea and it didn’t work - she was unsettled but now found an amazing nursery but only because she’s older and can talk - I wouldn’t have chosen the baby room for her of any nursery.

I was with a childminder from 6 weeks so thought pre baby a year would have been enough but it wasn’t for me personally.

@DarkForces It's not a privilege, we were skint. Being a SAHM was hands down harder than any job I've had. A constant slog.
If you wanna say it's a privilege then it's also a privilege to be able to be able to work knowing your child is taken care of all day, the wake ups and everything around the house getting done.

You both sound a bit unhinged but he's much worse than you. I think he's driven you to your current mental state.

The relationship is dead. You need to split. So you need a job. Do not "pay him back". He sounds like he wouldn't support you anyway so apart from a bit of child support through the CSA you're on your own for future childcare bills, clothing, food, housing your dc, all the costs like activities etc.

Unfortunately you picked the wrong guy to foist being sole earner on. Many guys would resent it but he's crazy to be demanding you compensate him.

There is another option which is to stick with him until your dc is a bit older and you can afford to pay your way more easily. Thing is you still need a job, as you cant stay out of the workforce too long, and it's quite likely he's going to make you "pay him back" out of earnings. Plus you've got to be a domestic slave and pretend to like him. I wouldn't be able to do it.

Put all thoughts of more dc out of your mind. You cant afford the one ds you have on your own. There is little chance of affording more. Why would you have more dc with this awful man? You didn't have religious qualms when you went into IVF so it's s bit cracked to say that's an issue now. Some embryos were always going to be destroyed. You're letting yourself get too emotional about it and proliferating problems when really you have one main one. The need to get a job that will support you and your ds to leave. Focus on that. Good luck.

I would be interested to know what work he did to find and settle your child in childcare to enable you to go back to work and whether he was supportive of it. In planning to take time off with your DC while you settled into the new job, reassuring that he would do nursery runs while you made a good first impression etc. I suspect I know the answer to that.

You need to iron out who does what 8am to 6pm Monday to Friday, no unnecessary staying late at work, maybe considering both doing 3 or 4 days. Considering whether he will be a SAHP for a while.

Just to highlight the devaluing of caring/'women's work in the country. An area I can speak from; for adult social care, our LA pays £20.76 per hour. For Carer's Allowance of £81.90 per week, you have to be providing 35 hours of care. You can see not only the devaluing of caring work in the home, but also the absolutely huge cost to the economy.

I 100% agree with this - it’s so true! We need to recognise this more for what it really is! ☺️

BTW 8 to 6 Monday is just an example before anyone jumps down my throat. 😅 I'm trying to make the point that who does what outside of contracted working hours is a separate conversation.