Resentment - should we split up?

[Gt360]

Hi, Long story time… I’m a first time mum, and after having my child had overwhelming emotions that I didn’t want to go back to work and put her into childcare. I took the decision to take redundancy before that with the intention of finding a job but towards the end it that this became more and more apparent that I couldn’t leave her with someone else after viewing nurseries - so ended up with me for 2 years.

My partner has never forgiven me for that and thinks regardless of how I felt that I should have gone back to work and contributed - his had to contribute for the last 1 year or so fully to bills and now she’s in nursery aged 2 as after a long battle of viewing we found one we were both happy with.

Our relationship is at the end of its road and his said he wants me to pay him back in full. We have had counselling and the counsellor agreed I made an emotional decision and he was just looking at it purely from a logical perspective but I wasn’t in the right space to do that and she totally gets it.

I said to him today it doesn’t seem fair for me to pay it all back where as if I did what he wanted - she would be in childcare from 1 year and we would of had childcare fees to split so it’s only fair to minus that off the childcare as if I wasn’t looking after her someone would get paid. He doesn’t see it like that and quotes stress and that I’m a horrible person for saying that.

He resents me and I resent him for making me pay it back without deducting the childcare costs. This could get messy but am I being unreasonable to agree to pay him back minus childcare costs? It’s a messy situation as we own property together, have spare embryos from IVF and I do want another child but he doesn’t based on this whole scenario and I’m older and really haven’t got many financial options at the moment - I’m looking for work.

I said to him I would make the same decision again to stay off with her but put something in place financially to work part time after she was 1 if I had to do it again, he doesn’t understand and never will.

Opinions on what I should do as there is resentment both ends and I’m doing what I can to cook all the time, he does clean and so do I where I can, she’s in nursery now but I feel like what’s the point if I’m going to have to get back on my feet and owe him 1 year of bills which will take me ages to get back. I’m also trying to start a business alongside finding a day job which his got no belief in.

Please opinions needed on what I should do, I don’t want to be a single mum but may have to be but I’m in my 40s and feel it would take too long to find another man to have a child with - obviously making sure this time I have the funds to support and contribute to the household to have 2 years off.

In life we don’t get to be retrospectively compensated for the decisions we took - to put us ‘on a level’ with the ‘counterfactual’ or ‘road not taken’. Pushing for money for the past is awful.

You sort of state the obvious without the need for it - obviously his finances have provided for PART of the time I’ve had off.

I don’t agree to the Sorry bit - I’m not going to say sorry (I’ve already said what I’ve said to him and that’s that for what I would do differently and the burden he clearly has at the moment but no more that that - as haven’t you seen from my posts I said I would do the same thing in a heartbeat but would just make sure I’ve had some financials in place for myself as can see how he is and the way I like to mother. Thank you for YOUR opinion though.

Yeh I sort of think his being a bit of a bank manager with his thinking on this one. If I compensated him it feels like he should honour my title then if his my boss as the titles I deserved during that time of like others have said cleaner, cook, bottles from 1 year and possibly formula, plus the usually childcare cost.

He can’t have his cake to erase what’s been done, at a rate as though I was working but then not want to minus off the time it would have taken for me to be compensated for that time as he said he would have wanted me working 5 days a week, would compromise at 4 but realised we couldn’t afford the fees even if I was working at that rate it wouldn’t have been worth it so back down to the 3 days.

Exactly this. You owe him nothing. I would like to see a judge agreeing with him. Just walk away with your beautiful baby. I understand your situation about the embryos. I am also in my forties and they are not easy to have. Maybe you could make him agree ( and sign papers) that you can use them in the future and he is signing his paternal rights away? You should consult a lawyer, but maybe just for this it would be worth to throw some money at him.

Thanks this is good to know as yep what a struggle they were and we were so invested at the time to get those embryos. Interesting proposal to think about!

Why is it biased on here? I'm a working mum and agree with you, plenty of working mums are agreeing with you. He just doesn't like that he's wrong.

It’s unrealistic to think he would allow you to use the embryos in the event of separating, or indeed being together. Very few people would agree to the former. You disagree so hugely about co-parenting and earning money that, very sadly, it seems ttc DC2 wouldn’t be a good idea.

Thanks for that yeh it’s nice to have the support as it is one big headache thinking about this and not being able to check with anyone for other opinions.

Thanks my hope is our situation transforms and that this can happen but will see as I do understand why he wouldn’t at this stage.

hold on the plan is that you go back to work pay 50/50 and do all the child pick ups etc and still clean

and he works

what is his plan for you to go back because 50/50 bills means 50/50 on everything childcare/cleaning/aorting/all the bills just not the things he thinks

he can’t have it all - and one assumes when he was working he was just working

Thanks we would have to have that convo as last I checked if I work part time 3 days a week on the days she’s in childcare I would still do pickup and drop off (I want to be there to be honest for it) and food, weekends we would share cleaning but cooking his not involved really. Washing her clothes majority I do.activities on weekend family stuff I seem to or have planned and he tags along if he wants it it’s kiddie stuff. Plus from how it was when I was working full time I did the cooking 💯 and he did cleaning mostly with me chipping in at weekends.

He cleans now and so do I - he seems to do more as he wants the house more clean instantly than I provide but it’s much better than it was in that respect.

What would two years' worth of 50% of the bills actually add up to OP? Work it out, subtract what you paid from your redundancy money, then subtract what it would have cost to pay for childcare for 5 days a week - because if he wants you to split the bills 50/50 then you'd have to be working the same number of days as him.

If he wants to work it out on only 3 days childcare, then the bills should be split proportionately to account for the fact that you're losing earnings, pension, career progression etc to provide the additional two days. Someone has to look after your child 5 days a week and you either pay for it directly as nursery fees or indirectly as loss of earnings. As a father, he can't have the benefit of being able to go to work without sharing the cost of looking after his child, whichever way it's being covered.

Whichever way you work it out, I doubt you would end up owing him much, if anything - full time childcare is often more than a mortgage payment for many people, and you already put in your redundancy money. He just wants to have his cake and eat it, you working, paying half of everything and still doing the bulk of childcare and housework.

Certainly you should have discussed it better with him and aimed to come to some kind of compromise, rather than acting unilaterally, but his attitude now stinks, and if I were you I'd find it very hard to forgive him for it.

Thanks this is the best explanation I’ve seen thanks. It would only be based on one year bills because if I used that redundancy money to split over the two years in retrospect there wouldn’t be anything really owed to him if I include childcare at 5 days a week. Your so right if it’s not me someone would have to look after her - he has said well his mum could of done it but he forgets I wasn’t comfortable with it plus she’s older so that’s not a realistic way the bills would of been split.

I’ve forgiven him already that’s the weird thing but I will not forget what he did (if he gets paid back anything and even him asking for it) in that I will make sure I safeguard myself and future kids to basically not have to rely on him again (saving wise) but that’s such a single way of thinking but might be safer if we stay together although he might feel it emasculates him.

He just sees women as resources for his benefit then - his poor mum, who already did all the hard work of raising him, feeding and clothing him, keeping a roof over his head and all without the help of his useless father, is now expected to do childcare for him 5 days a week for free so that he gets to keep all his money to himself???

Honestly OP, you're flogging a dead horse with that one, he's fundamentally selfish and has no respect for women and puts no value on their non-monetary labour.

I'm not male, but I agree with him. It was really awful of you to make yourself unemployed and force him to financially support you.
Having a stay at home parent is something both people need to agree with. He's right to not agree to another child because he knows he's can't trust you. You don't work as a partner, you do as you please.

Thanks for your opinion. It’s so unfortunate that this one decision and it’s deemed as a right off that I don’t work as a partner according to you when you’ve nothing to know of what’s happened in the 12 year partnership we’ve been together or how I selflessly paid for activities, experiences and toys, clothes for our child with my redundancy money that he deemed useless (so didn’t pay towards - even pre birth) or why am I doing this when now he has seen how much it has helped her development.

It is netherless a decision I stand by - the post would have been very different if I did as he pleased - I would be posting about being an anxious mother with very depressive thoughts and resentful that I have to work when I can’t actually think straight for thinking about what could or would be happening to my child, resentment would of kicked in as he could reduce his hours, we could still be financially fine and I could of then worked less than the 4 days he would have wanted for me. He sees no value in the traditional mothering that has become apparent that I need and you know what I know myself well enough to know that so yes this is where we are and like I said I would choose it again. I’m just going to reply see above post to replies like this now or not at all. Thank you

Thanks he used his mother as an example today to say well why should I minus childcare off - she could of gone to his mothers but well she’s in her 70s so I had hang ups which he agreed was a bit of an issue with an active child as we have when we were originally considering childcare - it’s just he brought that up to say well why should childcare be minused off which I think is a bit of a pee take.

I just wish he had other males in his life that don’t share his view but I’m pretty sure his circle does share his same view on it as we are all the product of non-married single parents type thing.

i think the problem is you and your boyfriend aren’t a team. You both have very odd views on life, relationship, trust and partnership.

you took a decision that had a huge impact on your household finances and don’t seem to think he has any right to have a view.

he views you and his child purely in monetary terms.

from what you have written you are both stubborn and selfish and you both lack emotional intelligence and critical reasoning.

i don’t think you have the ability to resolve this impasse.

Thanks for your opinion I’ve nothing to add to YOUR surmises and conclusion.

But that’s what you asked for. Unbiased opinions on what you should do based on the information we have on you and your partner and the situation you have both created.

that is my opinion. Two adults with completely different viewpoints who seem unable to see the situation from the others perspective.

a baby they planned for for a very long time but didn’t discuss how she would be raised.

No evidence of love or respect on either side.

I am simply answering your question, based on the formation available here.

You need to wake up and smell the coffee - he is not going to marry you. He has had plenty of years to do so and should have done it before child was born.

He is also not going to have another child with you.

you have already been given advice on what to do re the remaining embryos but be prepared that you may never have another child. he has had the best years of your life.

Honestly op. It very much looks like you're going to be a single mother now anyway
How do you plan on supporting your child? Life on benefits is not easy and there will absolutely be pressure for you to find a job.

PAY HIM BACK? Absolutely not. What money did he lend you that you need to pay back?! You took time out of work to care for the child that is his as well as yours. Childcare for that time would have cost many thousands of pounds.
Get rid of him and see a solicitor.

Agree with PPs. He is totally out of line to suggest you pay him back, but you aren't communicating with him about important life decisions that should be made together. Stay at home parent is BOTH a sacrifice and a privilege. Most don't get the choice which makes it a privilege. But doing it is, of course, a sacrifice. I'm struggling to understand how you see a way forward. Being together & it working means you are a team, and communication is so important. A baby changes everything for sure, but it only works with communication.
Does your partner make you happy? It doesn't sound as though you make him happy if I'm being honest. If you had two DC and that box was ticked, would you stay?
I see both sides. He is ridiculous for asking for money. But he must be mortified that you didn't communicate with him effectively about decisions that hugely affect him. If I was him I'd feel totally blindsided.

I agree you shouldn't have to pay him back and your childcare should be compensated if you are going down that route.

I have noticed that you come across as incapable of accepting that just because you want something, it doesn't mean you can have it and doesn't mean it's the best route forward or even possible at all. You want to have another child, you want to be with the child all of the time and don't want to give him more than 1 day a week. You dont want to work with the next child. You don't want to leave the child with his mother, you don't want to date...I could go on.
It's quite interesting, you speak as if your "wants" are not optional. "oh no that's not possible because I want this".
When you talk about sacrifice, you describe the things you could have done but really you were doing exactly what you wanted without an inch of compromise. That's not a sacrifice. Are you aware that most people have to make genuine sacrifices by actually choosing to not have what they want? Have you also thought that what you want, might not always be best for everyone involved, even yourself? Leaving a marriage as it's best for the child or not having a second child when you're in an incompatible relationship, allowing reasonable custody because it's best for the child.
I don't dispute you're in a tricky situation and your hubby sounds like a prat but I really think you need to look inward a bit more.