Resentment - should we split up?

[Gt360]

Hi, Long story time… I’m a first time mum, and after having my child had overwhelming emotions that I didn’t want to go back to work and put her into childcare. I took the decision to take redundancy before that with the intention of finding a job but towards the end it that this became more and more apparent that I couldn’t leave her with someone else after viewing nurseries - so ended up with me for 2 years.

My partner has never forgiven me for that and thinks regardless of how I felt that I should have gone back to work and contributed - his had to contribute for the last 1 year or so fully to bills and now she’s in nursery aged 2 as after a long battle of viewing we found one we were both happy with.

Our relationship is at the end of its road and his said he wants me to pay him back in full. We have had counselling and the counsellor agreed I made an emotional decision and he was just looking at it purely from a logical perspective but I wasn’t in the right space to do that and she totally gets it.

I said to him today it doesn’t seem fair for me to pay it all back where as if I did what he wanted - she would be in childcare from 1 year and we would of had childcare fees to split so it’s only fair to minus that off the childcare as if I wasn’t looking after her someone would get paid. He doesn’t see it like that and quotes stress and that I’m a horrible person for saying that.

He resents me and I resent him for making me pay it back without deducting the childcare costs. This could get messy but am I being unreasonable to agree to pay him back minus childcare costs? It’s a messy situation as we own property together, have spare embryos from IVF and I do want another child but he doesn’t based on this whole scenario and I’m older and really haven’t got many financial options at the moment - I’m looking for work.

I said to him I would make the same decision again to stay off with her but put something in place financially to work part time after she was 1 if I had to do it again, he doesn’t understand and never will.

Opinions on what I should do as there is resentment both ends and I’m doing what I can to cook all the time, he does clean and so do I where I can, she’s in nursery now but I feel like what’s the point if I’m going to have to get back on my feet and owe him 1 year of bills which will take me ages to get back. I’m also trying to start a business alongside finding a day job which his got no belief in.

Please opinions needed on what I should do, I don’t want to be a single mum but may have to be but I’m in my 40s and feel it would take too long to find another man to have a child with - obviously making sure this time I have the funds to support and contribute to the household to have 2 years off.

what does he expect you to pay him back for anyway?

He's a nasty piece of shit and you deserve better.

Good riddance.

Thanks - it got so bad that I just felt I couldn’t breath to leave my daughter somewhere but I get needs must but I just would of gone into a depression I can freely say for sure and god know what.

its one thing after the other as we are now at the stage where I have involved him and compromised to find a role to work part time rather than the full time he would want. I couldn’t involve him as he has always said his opinion no matter what would be for me to go back to work full time so it would of been a non starter to begin with to involve him initially.

the bills I should of paid whilst he had to pay them but then he doesn’t want to minus anything (childcare) that he would of had no choice to pay if I was working…

I seem to be the only one who sees where he's coming from 🤦🏻‍♀️

You said in a post that you always knew he was the kind of person that didn't believe in a household where one person was the breadwinner and then you seemed to take the decision that was the way it was to be.

Did you not discuss all this properly before having the baby?

I was a single parent, it's hard being solely financially responsible for another human when you've made that choice yourself, I can only imagine how hard it is to be financially responsible for 2 people when you didn't want that in the first place. So I fully understand he feels resentment. Not saying he's going about it in the right way, but from what you've said, you made a decision that affects him more than you realised.

Of course you need to split up. You're not a team. He's demanding money from you and you're unilaterally making decisions that have a massive impact on him. You are not a team.

It just feels like he doesn’t want me to get on my feet as when he discussed this he said however long it takes to pay it back and sort of shrugged off it being years and years and years etc.

I would feel resentful in his situation, you took a decision that forced him to be the sole.provider what if he just decided he wanted to stay at home because that's what was best for your child and told you you had to go out and support the whole family? That can only work if both parties are fully on board.
The paying back thing is a bit ridiculous at to be honest it won't lessen the resentment he feels, you didn't act as a partner you took a unilateral decision despite being clear it wasn't something you agreed on. I don't think the relationship will come back from this.

The relationship is over, isn't it.

So the property gets sold, proceeds are shared 50/50.

You claim CMS from him, and agree what % he is willing to have child - I'd be surprised if he manages 50/50.

Forget having another baby with him.

If you really want/need a 2nd child you may have to consider doing this on your own - but there will be no one to pay the bills apart from yourself when you are on maternity leave.

at least there is no divorce to go through / pay for. makes it all so much easier.

I can absolutely understand that. Unfortunately you in a relationship with someone who isn’t willing to bend or compromise to meet your needs and wants. That’s not a good place to be. It doesn’t sound like he loves you. Does he?

it’s a tough decision - would it be easier to co-parent with him or live with him. What would separation look like? You would have to work - probably full time? Would he want 50-50? Would he be fair and decent? Or would he be an every other weekend pay be bare minimum dad?

This.

But it seems that he expects you to do everything at home and isn't willing to do his share? If you will be working then you should both do 50:50 at home.

He's not going to agree to another baby with the embryos you have in the freezer, so you're wasting your time waiting around for that. Just leave - this relationship sounds awful.

Separately, you say you've been together for 12 years. So he made you wait, what, 9 years for a baby? He left it until you were in your 40s? Never mind 'logical' brain or whatever, he sounds like a fucking idiot.

I agree that as a couple they should have hammer all this out before having a baby. They should have understood each others priorities and boundaries. They are clearly very different people.

I wouldn’t be happy if a partner decided to become a stay at home dad without consulting me. I too would want a two income household.

but this couple are now deep into that unilateral decision. And the relationship sounds very damaged.

your right in the sense that yes I was intending after my maternity to go back full time before having a child. After there was no way and yes I did take that decision from him, I can’t undo it and I won’t - it’s just that I would make sure I would have had funds to support myself for the bills (the business I’m setting up should allow for working from home and flexibility). We didn’t sit down and say ok after x months you go back to work - I took redundancy with the intention of finding a job which I would of had to leave that job anyway as it was very high stress. There was just a feeling after visiting nurseries that I couldn’t go through with it. But yes I get it he feels betrayed - but look what he got in the first place no one talks about the sacrifice I’ve made - it was a hard slog in so many ways but he has a child that he had peace of mind when he went to work that was looked after and there was no potential issues with her wellbeing - mine on the other hand I’ve put everything on hold to do that in terms of my own time that I’m slowly trying to get back.

his benefited for sure - although he will never admit it as he just wants the bills paid and gives no shit about my emotional state as everyone does it type thing. It’s been a struggle but minus childcare our bills are not extortionate and his on a salary that actually can afford it with not much left over - so yes I know it’s better for me to work but it’s just the way it’s been and I can’t live life in regret - I actually don’t have a regret but more of an adjustment that I see needs to be in place as I thought like me a child might change his perspective but he is and always will be the logical not very emotional person when it comes to that.

I know first hand that being a single parent is hard as saw my mum do it but she had family support but I would have to completely move for that - it’s a hard one as I want child to be happy is all. I still have a bit of hope that once a job is found things will click into place but at same time I don’t have the same value as him on hints to do with children childcare which only since having child I’ve seen is unchangeable.

I completely understand not wanting to go back to work and put baby in childcare. I felt the exact same way, and we were able to work our schedules so that we both work part time hours around each other, so DD is always looked after by us.

However, I think it's really unfair on your partner to unilaterally make the decision not to return to work. The financial responsibility for your household fell entirely on him.

That said, I wouldn't pay him back. I would say that he didn't have to provide, he could have chosen to walk away.

Thanks - yeh it’s one of those things - how do you make a decision with someone to go back to work full time when you know in your heart you wouldn’t be able to do a good job in that job for the fear and anxiety of what could or is happening to your child who can’t verbalise yet. There would be no compromise just work or work part time and at 1 year old I couldn’t do that - so I’m just not sure how else to explain but the counsellor understood and went through same thing - but difference is they couldn’t afford bills but she said if there was even a glimmer of hope they could she would - in our situation it’s possible it’s just uncomfortable with no niceties at the moment.

My partner had the choice to do that - reduce hours so I could find a part time or take one day off for childcare so child would spend less time in childcare but he didn’t want to - he wants to work full time always which is something I didn’t know before having a child with him.

I think he's bonkers. Don't let your fear of being a single parent get in the way of your future happiness. You deserve to be with someone who is sane and supportive, not someone who is trying to bill you for time spent with your child.

Also look up the cost of a full-time nanny. You should be billing him!

This isn't meant to be mean, but I'm struggling to see what sacrifices you made. All I can see is that you did exactly what you wanted to do.

Yes, please do split! I was partly in your position, but married and it was thrown back at me years later despite it being far more complicated (fairly unique so outing) than choosing not to work. We struggled on and life wasn't bad all the time but I do wonder looking back why I put up with the whinging all those years when I could have been truly happy. I am now, amazing relationship, it's the wasted years then the split which was complicated by the sort of things later in you life

It sounds like your relationship is over, you shouldn’t have made the decision not to return to work without involving him.
As a sahm do you do all the chores? You say you clean when you can, what does this mean? What benefit has he got out of you staying at home, (other than piece of mind your child was being cared for? IMO that’s a weak argument because he would have been happy with childcare - it was you who wasn’t)
It sounds like resentment is too deep on both sides, are you getting better at making joint decisions and compromising? If not I don’t see how you can stay together I’m sorry.

Thanks - if you’re looking at it just from a doing what I want to do perspective then that’s not entirely true. Looking after my child for those 2 years I’ve made sacrifices - my career has been put on hold, I’ve not done any self care, had much time for me, missed social engagements whilst his been able to go on that with childcare, not been able to get lost in work and also have the timeout that he has to just relax, not to mention I’ve breastfed for 18 months, now had many weekends to myself as to be honest I do that mostly and it’s now only I am having to say can you take her for a few hours … I won’t tell you all of my scarifies as I just don’t think we see things the same which is ok.

thanks that’s good to know as it seems unheard of as though this never happens from the way I’m made to feel! It just feels like why should I give up on 12 years as I’m not getting any younger and do want another child so think it’s a bit risky to try to find someone after getting back only my feet who would be quickly (not wait 8 years like we did) to have a child!

Do not give this nasty abusive twat a penny.
Get onto Women's aid for support.
Split with him.
Take every penny you can.
Put in immediately for child maintenance.
You need to return to work asap.
Let him sing for repayment.
Price up a 24 hour nanny and housekeeper.
He owes you.
Start job hunting today.

Please do not pay him back. He is outrageous for even asking.

Please do not even consider it. What kind of man would ask this from the mother of his child? Does he know how most other men would view this kind of behaviour?

It is also a completely unenforceable debt. No court in the land would find in his favour.

Tell him your offer is off the table.
You don't have a relationship with him. It sounds like he views you as a housemate.
You had a child together, it sounds like after a huge effort and cost to do so.
Find yourself a job that will support you and your child then split. Do an exact 50/50. But that includes you having a fair share of weekends and all the costs of having a child are divided equally.
He doesn't sound like he has the emotional intelligence to reflect on the cost of his obsession with household bills but you will never have to discuss it again with him.

I very rarely can't see the other side, but agree with this.

You should not only take off childcare costs but charge childcare for the first year when you both agreed you'd be at home.

Never heard of anything so ridiculous.