Resentment - should we split up?

[Gt360]

Hi, Long story time… I’m a first time mum, and after having my child had overwhelming emotions that I didn’t want to go back to work and put her into childcare. I took the decision to take redundancy before that with the intention of finding a job but towards the end it that this became more and more apparent that I couldn’t leave her with someone else after viewing nurseries - so ended up with me for 2 years.

My partner has never forgiven me for that and thinks regardless of how I felt that I should have gone back to work and contributed - his had to contribute for the last 1 year or so fully to bills and now she’s in nursery aged 2 as after a long battle of viewing we found one we were both happy with.

Our relationship is at the end of its road and his said he wants me to pay him back in full. We have had counselling and the counsellor agreed I made an emotional decision and he was just looking at it purely from a logical perspective but I wasn’t in the right space to do that and she totally gets it.

I said to him today it doesn’t seem fair for me to pay it all back where as if I did what he wanted - she would be in childcare from 1 year and we would of had childcare fees to split so it’s only fair to minus that off the childcare as if I wasn’t looking after her someone would get paid. He doesn’t see it like that and quotes stress and that I’m a horrible person for saying that.

He resents me and I resent him for making me pay it back without deducting the childcare costs. This could get messy but am I being unreasonable to agree to pay him back minus childcare costs? It’s a messy situation as we own property together, have spare embryos from IVF and I do want another child but he doesn’t based on this whole scenario and I’m older and really haven’t got many financial options at the moment - I’m looking for work.

I said to him I would make the same decision again to stay off with her but put something in place financially to work part time after she was 1 if I had to do it again, he doesn’t understand and never will.

Opinions on what I should do as there is resentment both ends and I’m doing what I can to cook all the time, he does clean and so do I where I can, she’s in nursery now but I feel like what’s the point if I’m going to have to get back on my feet and owe him 1 year of bills which will take me ages to get back. I’m also trying to start a business alongside finding a day job which his got no belief in.

Please opinions needed on what I should do, I don’t want to be a single mum but may have to be but I’m in my 40s and feel it would take too long to find another man to have a child with - obviously making sure this time I have the funds to support and contribute to the household to have 2 years off.

Thanks so much for the doom and gloom. I’m a bit more optimistic. Well it’s about me and my feelings so yes it’s about me in this forum - I’ve already admitted to doing this differently in hindsight in a certain aspect but not all.

I find it staggering that anyone can think this is a reasonable proposition. He got his partner pregnant. Pony up laddo. Really is that simple.

whatever his feelings of betrayal around her not working, they are delusional. That’s not how life works. It’s the sort of fantasy a teenager has about how marriage and family life looks. Except in the case of high earners, going back to work is almost never a net financial positive for the family- it’s personally for the mother a positive (regaining career momentum, building her pension, etc), but the cost of childcare generally obliterates the money gained.

Whatever happens pay him back nothing for being a mother with emotions and looking after your child.

I think you’ve hit some incredible points - thank you. He knows himself he has stuff to work on to be a father we both didn’t have, but in some ways I feel I’ve got to be the mother I didn’t have or he didn’t have which I guess I didn’t think I would be until I had a child. Now I know this about myself and the way I like to mother I’ve got to put things in place financially to do that.

he even said again why should he minus childcare as that’s a decision I took, comparing it to all kinds. He doesn’t get it, but I’m adamant it’s got to be minus childcare / in his opinion it should be based on 3 days childcare rather than 5 days as he knows that would wipe out most of what I owe him- interesting hey!! I’ll look at it like the stress payment he seems to want me to pay him - guess it’s a compromise as I don’t think I should pay him and never again will I ever be in this type of money owing situation!

i blatantly reminded him and he agreed a few moments ago that if i work on myself, get finances in order and his still saying the same shit then I’m leaving but he also said that that’s fine if things are worked on and obviously it’s a permanent thing then marriage and kids can happen. Also said his working on himself through counselling when I thought it was just to have a lack about me! I’ve also said if I work on myself that he has got to as well.

I’ve been very frank as I always am and hope we can make this work - doing CV again tonight and off I go applying again !

This is key.
He wants to keep you stuck in a financial dependency towards him. That’s controlling and abusive. Awful.

You owe him nothing.

I mean if I was him I’d leave you. You cannot make decisions that impact the whole household unilaterally and expect the other person to pick up the bill without their agreement. That alone would be relationship ending for me.

Setting aside the other issues, just a word of caution on the 50/50 access issue. You said you don't want that but it may not be upto you to decide. 50/50 is the norm now, so if he takes it to court then he's more than likely going to be awarded it no matter how much you argue you've bonded with your child. If you split, it's about the child's rights not yours at that point. You really need to manage your expectations there.

Also, it sounds like there's no way he'll agree to another child whether you stay together or split, so you're going to need to come to terms with those embryos not being used. Again your religious views won't be taken into account legally if he doesn't consent.

Thanks he said today again as though it was a compromise that his not asking me to pay it back all at once - he was comparing it to everything like committing a crime at one point / well if you a commit a crime you don’t then say - oh well I’m not paying it back - I sorta ignored that as the analogy is so so different!

The idea that you ‘owe’ him money is crazy! It is like one of those ‘red flag’ videos on YouTube.

Your idea that you can stay in a relationship with a man seeking payment from you is also irrational. It’s over.

How on earth is it crazy? He’s been funding an entire household without having even been consulted first. I can’t just quit my job tomorrow and expect my husband to fund my life until I decide I want to work again.

And if I posted as a woman saying my husband quit his job a year ago and hasn’t worked since then I’d be told to figure out how much he owes me from his % that I’ve been paying and LTB.

I’ve said we will discuss this at counselling as I don’t feel it’s quite right for me to pay him back anything really but so far we’ve got to 3 days worth of it when actually I did 5 - he then argues he. Was there helping whilst wfh - hmm not as much!

What an absolutely disrespectful shit. I would be billing him for the housekeeping, laundry services, chef services and childcare, secretarial services.

I would cut my losses. How he can be this mercenary, to the mother of his child is shocking. Given what you have been through producing his child. I would be out of this relationship op, and he would not be getting a penny!

He’s comparing you taking care of his and your baby with committing a crime? Come on, OP, this is insane.

You do whatever you feel is appropriate but personally I think you have been controlled, manipulated and gaslit long enough.

I guess the difference is I’m not putting my feet up watching Eastenders - I’m taking care of the most precious important and expensive bills wise cost we have / our child. No professional would do it for free - so if we are talking about costs in its true way that he says I’ve owed and looking at that moment in time it’s only right to pay it minus childcare if at all.

I’ve said I’ve been on a forum for opinions and well he just says in a nutshell that it’s biased - but I said some were defending him - I’ve said as he agreed if he wants someone more neutral that we go back to the counsellor as I’m no sure about this whole paying back in full - even a debtor would right it off as it would take ages to pay!

Well this is one thing to iron out in therapy as I see it as a punishment and he sees it as fairs fair.

plus it makes me think if I owe him like this then I’m not going to bother with doing extra stuff when he finishes work to stop feeling guilty and maybe he should do pickup and drop off and 50/50 on weekends.

But that is a decision you have to make together. Being a SAHM is a choice you made, and the reality is that without him funding the household you’d have been homeless, with no money to feed or clothe that child. Being a SAHM works for some families and that’s great but it has to be agreed by both people as it does mean one person becomes solely financially responsible for that whole household.

Your choice has only been possible because he’s kept you all fed, clothed housed, and he had no choice in doing that. It’s a conversation you needed to have together and agree on together.

regardless of this being true I made the best decision in the interests of me and my child. I’m not going to be paying him it back if anything at all without childcare fees minused off - it feels like your saying because of this I should be paying him but could be the way you’ve worded it.

@Mrsttcno1 I agree with you that OP shouldn’t have made a unilateral decision not to return to work. At that time and all times since her DP had choices about what to do. Some (including me in his shoes) would have ended the relationship.

He continued the relationship and is angry with her and may now end the relationship. Fine: his prerogative.

Still no justification to demand money from her.

But again, you and your child have only been able to eat, sleep in a warm home in a bed, wear clothes etc because HE funded all of those things for you. If he had refused, which he could have, you’re unmarried so actually he could easily have said all I’ll pay towards you & child is CMS, how would you have fed that baby? Clothed them? The only reason you and your baby have the life you do is because of him, and again, you put that on him without any agreement from him.

I think you need to sit and properly discuss these things and you need to acknowledged that you have been in the wrong here. If I was him, I’d walk away.

those things might be true, but don’t mean OP shouldn’t pay her DP/ex money for the past!

Her DP got to be a parent, chose to stay in the relationship and continued working as though he was not a parent, retaining his earning power, building his career etc. presumably if/when they split up now things will change going forward, with OP in a very financially vulnerable position.

You’ve said it twice and no I don’t agree to that or your reworded post. Obviously I would have found other means if he couldn’t or wouldn’t pay for childcare - isn’t that obvious?

So you don’t agree that you have only been able to make the choices you have because your partner has picked up the bill for absolutely everything, without being consulted?