LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

[Bobbingalong39]

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

The main thing to remember is not to charge him anything that he could claim went towards your mortgage. You do not want to give him a claim over your house. This means that he should pay for his food (which will likely be more than £200/mth with today's prices), plus a fair share of bills/utilities.

I wouldn't try to charge 'rent' unless yoy a rental agreement in place to make clear that the money is just rent, and does not give him any entitlement to your house. I also wouldn't be asking him to spend his time on renovations. You need to be 100% clear that this is your house, and yours alone.

And if he ends up short of money in whatever new arrangement you put in place - DO NOT LEND HIM MONEY.

If he ends up owing you money, you will feel that you can't end the relationship without losing it. So you'll stick around to try to recoup your 'investment' (like you did last time with the £25k). That will trap you in this shitshow.

I repeat - DO NOT LEND HIM ANY MONEY

I would be telling my daughter to run for the hills and not look back! Fortunately she has a lovely boyfriend of 3 years who is a really good lad. She is headstrong and takes no shit from anyone. I know she thinks I deserve better sometimes and has had no qualms telling him in the past. I probably tell her too much when it comes to the financial side of our relationship.

Because I’ve always been very frugal with my money and been a saver i know he thinks I don’t need his money. Yes in the past I have give him that impression by saying “I don’t need you or your money” but forward thinking to a few years when child maintenance stops and child benefit in a few years once my youngest and middle child are out of full time education, I will then have to work more hours to subsidise. I know that sounds a little entitled as we have all have to go to work to pay the bills but my resentment comes from thinking why should I have to work more hours from now till retirement because I’ve facilitated my bf to have a comfortable life.

If I had to go to work full time then so be it, I’m not work shy and I love my job but I run a home single handedly (bf and children are not very domesticated, or pretend not to be! And I find myself doing everything)

After all outgoings (mortgage, food, bills, horrendous fuel costs! ) Granted I don’t pay for his car so that is an expense spared for me. I am left with roughly £300 a month (NOT including £200 from my bf and £100 from my daughter, who has just started paying last month) On paper I am ok but he knows this. This will all change soon once child maintenance and child benefit stops. I will then have to work full time and have zero left after bills and food if I continue taking what I do from my bf and daughter.

After his outgoings and what he pays to me, he has roughly £300 a week to play with if he works Mon-Fri. My resentment then comes from him having to work seven days a week to facilitate his frivolous spending.

All these comments have made me realise it’s not whether I need him to step up and pay more right now but more that he should want to pay more!

It's not about you being financially ok though. It's about him not pulling his weight financially and you subsidising his lifestyle. That's not fair, regardless of whether you have kids or not.

it’s not whether I need him to step up and pay more right now but more that he should want to pay more!

Yes, precisely. A good man would want to pull his weight. He should want to be a contributing member of the household, not just a parasite.

And that includes housework! You say "(bf and children are not very domesticated, or pretend not to be! And I find myself doing everything)" - that is not okay!

On a side note, why would you wait until your (late teenage/adult) children are all out of education before working more hours? They are not so young that they need you around during the day.

I understand that right now you feel like you don't really 'need' to work more hours, but think about your future security. Child maintenance and child benefit won't be doing anything to top up your pension. Anything you can earn extra now could go into your pension, savings or overpaying your mortgage - building security for your future.

This is never necessary in normal loving relationships between equals. Your children know everything. You are the one who is being blindsided. It’s 100% obvious to everyone in your life and everyone on this thread. Every single person is telling you the same thing.
You are now at the stage where you are planning to make yourself voluntarily homeless to assuage the guilt you feel regarding the children and the manipulation you feel from the boyfriend.
That is a hugely dangerous route to go down. Think about this for a while. Life is fragile. You may feel financially secure now but what if you lost your job? Suffered a stroke? Became ill? You say he is irresponsible with money. You are even worse with money if you are considering this. It will not benefit your children to lose the family home when they may not be able to afford homes of their own even with the deposit and they will have you to worry about. Unless you have millions in the bank don’t do this.
Id start by trying to repair the relationship with your children. They must despise him and sadly OP probably also you.

You are somehow still waffling on about irrelevancies. It’s like nothing anyone has said is penetrating. How is this possible?

He has in the past done renovations on my house but I have let him off with money he’s owed me. I had a house fire last year which destroyed my kitchen I had paid thousands to renovate 1 year previous! It was a stressful time and we had to move out to my parents for a few months. I was fortunate to be left with extra money from my insurance claim and decided to build an extension to give my eldest son his own room. My bf is in the building trade and suggested the whole idea which he said would cost a fraction of the cost because he would help. Fast forward a year and there is a half done extension, which he has helped a little with, but ultimately I have rightly paid for all the labour and materials myself but have offered to pay him to do the plastering and plumbing.

I will never lend him again. I have categorically told him that I am not helping by lending him money and just facilitating his spending more.

"If I had to go to work full time then so be it, I’m not work shy and I love my job but I run a home single handedly (bf and children are not very domesticated, or pretend not to be! And I find myself doing everything) "

I think you said the youngest is 16?

I suggest this based on your last post:

Go full time. Start looking now (or seeing if your current role will take you on F/T and stop being the household skivvy.

Divvy up household chores between everyone and if they don't do them, they get left until they are done.

You could also employ a cleaner a few hours per week from the extra salary you get.

Nothing you do or say will make him 'want to pay more' but nothing wrong with asking.

Start some therapy (I'm sure there are posters here who can advise where to start looking for one) and take control
of the only thing you can control; yourself and how you move forward.

This man is almost like window dressing in your life. Contributes little to the grind that is day to day living. It's why you're so worn down with it all.

Keep reading and listening here and good luck

OMFG - so not only does he live rent, you’re going to pay him to do work on the house he’s living in? And you still do all the household chores despite paying for everything as well?

Honestly this isn’t being independent, you’re being taken for an absolute mug.Sorry OP but it gets worse with every update. This is financial suicide.

Just like the 50/50 dates - no decent man with one iota of respect would take money from his partner the way this man is.

Oh and just saw your post about the extension.
He'll never finish it so you'll need to make a plan moving forward to get trades in to finish it yourself in time.

Otherwise you'll spend years 'nagging' and then made to feel bad.

He's a selfish, manipulative nasty man child in my view

You say you would tell your daughter to run for the hills and not look back - yet you are in the EXACT situation and aren’t running yourself. Why not? Why would you not want this situation for your daughter, but think it’s ok for you?

You have nowhere near the same amount of “fun” money that he has. Not even in the same ballpark. You don’t even have enough there to save for an emergency. If your BF had been paying his way, you’d have been able to build up an emergency funds pot.

What do you actually get out of the relationship? I know these questions are tough to face into and answer - I think you know you should be getting rid of him - but he’s somehow convinced you that you need him. What’s the worst that would happen if you were to kick him out and not look back? You’d be £200 a month worse off? Except you wouldn’t be as he’s likely costing you more than that to live there! You have NOTHING to lose and everything to gain by getting rid of him.

I have taken all the hard truths on board. I am trying to make our relationship better and change what I think is wrong with it and what needs to happen for it to work and stop me feeling this resentment. A lot of people have just condemned him and told me to end it and I can completely see why they would say this, but I want to give it a chance to see if it can be a healthy equal relationship before throwing in the towel. If I don’t see an improvement then i will end the relationship.

Congratulations - you have a cocklodger of the year living with you!

But you're deliberately not listening to what anyone on here is pointing out to you. So why post if you're not taking on board the valid points?

It isn’t just about the money. I feel like I can’t love him the way I want to because all the bad stuff overshadows the good times we should be having. I have built a wall up now that I am giving him one more chance to break down and show me he can be what I want and need. If he can’t then It’s not meant to be.

I think you are very kind to give him a chance, especially knowing that the only way he wi treat you “right” is when you’re calling him out on it and giving him an ultimatum… but that’s your choice.

What I would say is this - have a date in your head. That’s the date you will call it a day if this relationship hasn’t gotten to where it needs to be. And not extending that because some of it has happened. If he doesn’t want to lose you, he should be breaking his neck to make you feel special and loved. And I’d also make up my mind that if he slips back to old ways that’s it - no more chances.

And keep remembering - you deserve better. Demand better from him. Personally I think he sees you as a meal ticket - so I imagine he WILL step up to start with (it’s still cheaper to pay you £600 or whatever a month than it is to have his own place) As soon as he sees your guard slipping, he will start preying on you again. He won’t quite have enough this month, be really apologetic - maybe offer to do some DIY tasks around the house to hair up for it. Next time he won’t do the tasks. Then the next time he won’t apologise. And then he just won’t pay the right amount. Before you know it you’ll be back to where you were. So if you don’t want that, you need to stand firm and show him you mean what you are saying.

I only keep the house stuff purely business to show that this is my house and I will pay for all renovations/repairs. Again, he has offered to do them free of charge, when this eventually happens! And I have said no. My parents think I’m daft and should just let him but it goes back to the debate about not letting him pay towards the mortgage or renovations in previous posts for fear that it may be held over me if the relationship were to end.

Do your parents know about his behaviours? What do they think of him?

Why not get some legal advice on where you stand with the above post.

He could create a beneficial interest' in your house if he did major works and didn't charge you? I don't know. I'm not a legal person.

I reckon he DOES know about beneficial interest etc.

I think you're doing well OP.
It does take time to understand tangle the feelings we have and why we have them.

I agree with setting a deadline too.

And trying to be more 'you' in your life and not being this man's support person.

What do you think about the idea of working FT and an overhaul in dealing with the domestic load in the home?

Do you have the time to do any hobbies just for you? Even just one night out doing a yoga class or something. See friends socially ?

OP, you are a fool, do you realise that? When you get screwed over you will deserve it. You have brought this on yourself.

As an outsider looking in I feel you’ve been so fixated on proving you’re an independent woman who doesn’t need a man or his money that you’ve backed yourself so far into a corner that it’s almost impossible to work your way out again and it’s definitely backfired and detrimental to you and your DC financial security.

You may think you’ve done the right thing but in reality you’ve supported this man financially to the detriment of you and your kids.

And regardless of how many chances you’ve already given him, he’s not stepped up has he? So why would he next time or the time after that?

Please don't be harsh. It's not necessary.

Constructive advice on how to disentangle herself from this man is more helpful at this stage of the thread.

Personally, I feel building yourself back up to be just 'you' @Bobbingalong39 could help you face the difficult choices you need to make in the coming months the and give you the strength (and anger sometimes) to do what, deep down, you feel you need to do

I have already put the wheels in motion and told him last night that I will be taking £400 a month from now on (trial bases ) which I know some people will say isn’t much but I will also be letting him know that if he wants to go on dates I am open to him paying and letting him treat me more. I do take into consideration that he pays all cost for a vehicle i use more than him, hence why i changed it from my original £500 suggestion. Am I still being soft? Or does this sound fair?

Absolutely. People should not take advantage of their live-in/out partners to renovate their homes for free. Additionally, any money given to cover bills and accommodation should not be redirected into personal savings.

It's important to document all financial exchanges to address any legal challenges regarding beneficial interest.

The alternative to this situation is marriage, which provides legal protection for both parties.

This just sounds like guesswork.

Sit down with your bills and work out what you are paying per month. There are 5 people in the house, so divide that by 5. He should be paying 1/5.

Then look at your food bill. Do the same, but factor in that as a grown man he probably eats more than the rest of you do.

Only charge rent if you put a proper agreement in place, but to work out how much it should be, look at what it costs to rent a room in a shared house in your area.

Yeah I go to the gym a few times a week and go on nights/days out with friends and family once or twice a month. I love my job, so my life is great in all other areas. I’m definitely open to working full time next year and putting some new rules in place regarding chores. I’ve told my bf and children that if they don’t start helping out that they can pay towards a cleaner each month if I go full time.

Regarding the beneficial interest side of things I don’t think he’d have a clue tbh. He has ADHD and one of the traits he has is that he struggles with anything to do with financial affairs or solicitors.

Prior to meeting me he had a house with his previous partner and son. The relationship broke down when his son was born due to cheating allegations (which she later admitted) and they separated. The house was in her name due to a CCJ he had got years earlier so he couldn’t be on the mortgage. Fast forward a year.. he found out after paying child maintenance for his son s and her making it impossible for him to see him ever that his son was not his son! he walked away with nothing and never contested any of it. He is the sort of person to bury his head and walk away if it ended. I