LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

[Bobbingalong39]

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

Also the drinking has improved a lot since last year and he spends most evenings with me. He does like a tipple, a lot more than me but moderation has been the key and he has shown me that.

I've never seen such a strong case of denial.

It’s exhausting.

It's not a case of relying on him or needing his contribution, it's about what's right and fair.

The money he 'could' have paid over the last 6 years could have gone into a savings account for your dc.

Let's say he was to have paid you £800 a month, that's £57600 you could have saved, nice nest egg, deposit for a house for your dc. It could have enabled you to retire earlier etc. even if you only saved half of the £800, that's nearly £30000!

He'd still be quids in, renting a house himself or even a a house share would see his overall months outgoing to be more than £800 a month.

He's really taken the piss out of you over these years. He's paid £200 a month to get fed and have a roof put over his head! You even gave him a discount when he was away. In his shoes I'd be embarrassed to be paying so little and taking advantage of the person I loved, in your shoes, you're taking money away from yourself and your dc and ultimately paying him to live with you

How much does he earn op?

Hobosexual...I like it.
Where else could you be fed and sheltered for £50 a week.
He's got it made.

Lots of the rough replies from the usual perfects suspects here. I’m sorry you are getting that. MN is lacking in women supporting women! Nothing you have said suggests that you haven’t put your children first through any of this.

I understand what you are saying. You regret some of your decisions, but there is no point in dwelling on those. Start from here. You have had a conversation with him that went well. Reach an agreement for the £800 per month. Fingers crossed he will keep to it. You say he has already reduced his drinking, so that’s a good sign. I hope it works out well for you 💐

He earns between 2.4 - 4k a month after tax depending on if he chooses to work over time and work all weekend too. I think a lot of my frustration is that he wouldn’t need to work all weekend if he curbed his spending and got rid of his car, thus making more time for us on weekends.

Oh dear.
You have allowed yourself to be exploited by this man.
Don't put him on the mortgage.
If you want to go on living together, give your kids the proceeds of your house and get him to buy a house, contribute if you choose and put things on an equal financial footing.

She has already repeatedly stated that she has no intention of doing that and never will!

JFC. I could weep when I read these threads, I really could.

He is a free loader, end of.

No one in this life lives off of people like that, unless they didn't care about their partner. Only because you pay a mortgage, it doesn't mean he gets to live rent free.

You charge him whatever he needs to pay towards the home, plus the bills, and food.

@Bobbingalong39 well done- sometimes you have to pluck up courage and just come out with it - I understand too why you feel as you do - I did similar in the past to you and for similar reasons and it bit me on the backside - the fact is he simply took advantage of your good nature- many men will if you let them- yes they shouldn't need to be told I agree but I wouldn't like many on here throw the baby out with the bathwater - it doesn't sound like you are looking for reasons for him to leave and that's your choice, so you may as well get practical- if he doesn't step up then make a different choice then

@Bobbingalong39 first of all I’d like to say I’m sorry you are in this situation. It’s very hard when you are in the thick of it to see if things are wrong, what the other options are, how to make the changes - do the changes even need to be made etc. So I understand how you’ve ended up at this point.

I’d like to ask you to take a minute to consider something, if you don’t mind? You say you have a daughter - 21 I think you said? If she moved out into her own place I’m sure you’d feel extremely proud. How would you feel if she told you after a few months she was moving her new boyfriend in with her? A boyfriend she had only been seeing for 4 months. What if she then told you he was only paying £200 a month towards the bills and food? Would you be happy for her? Or would you, as any mother would rightly be, concerned for her? What if you then found out that he drank heavily, gambled (and borrowed money from her occasionally, although always paid it back) and spent £1k a month on something frivolous (a car, a video game, home and away tickets for him and several mates to see their favourite football team, etc)? What advice would you be giving her?

I like to hope that should you see your daughter in the situation you are in, that you would tell her to put herself first and kick him to the kerb!

Why don’t you deserve to put yourself first? Everyone has, rightfully, talked about prioritising your children - but think about yourself too. You deserve better. Look at yourself in the mirror and repeat it until you believe it. Because I think your self confidence is shot, mostly from your ex husband leaving you for another woman, but also by being taken advantage of for 6 years by a man who is supposed to love you. A few posters have suggested therapy, and I think it would be worthwhile looking into that - perhaps you could fund it with some of the extra money your BF is going to pay you! Maybe there is a way to salvage your relationship and not be taken for a mug, if that is what you truly want. Or maybe it will make you realise what you’ve put up with for so, so long now and you will understand you never deserved that. Your self confidence and self worth is so shattered right now, you think this is what you deserve. It’s not.

Another thing to consider, and I think a couple of the later posters also highlighted this, is work out how much money you would have been able to save had he been paying you a fair rate. Even £600 a month would have been over £40k into a savings pot for your retirement fund, or for helping your children into the property ladder like you hoped you could. And that would have still left him with £1,800 - £3,200 a month to do what the hell he liked with! He could have even still kept the expensive car and had money for going out and having a very, very good social life. Out of curiosity, how much money do you have left over a month to spend purely on treats or days/nights out for you and/or the kids?

Your kindness has been taken advantage of. I completely understand your logic of wanting to make sure he had no stake in your home, that you’d still be paying the bills if he wasn’t there - but by the same logic he’d have been paying bills if he were living somewhere else. When you move in together, the idea really is that you BOTH feel the advantage of saving on your monthly outgoings.

Sorry that was so long - I know you’ve struggled to read a lot of the comments on here as people have become frustrated at your reluctance to open your eyes wide to the situation you are in. I hope you will see we are all just concerned about you, for your children and your future, and are just trying to get you to see this man for who he really is.

Good luck - I hope you get the therapy to help you improve your confidence and self esteem, and I hope your belief in this man is correct and that he pays his way, gets help for the drinking and gambling (and the drugs if he’s still using) and becomes the man you deserve. Honestly though, I think you would be better off without him, and I think you’d find a huge weight lift off your shoulders if you were to kick him out.

You know this is a disaster of your own making. Either get him to pay properly to live at yours or ask him to leave.

You don't need a cocklodger, noone does.

He's an AH btw, he knows he's taking the piss but continues to do it whilst telling you you're being silly.

Screw him, he's gaslighting you.

It's OK to be single, OP. It really is. You're basically paying to have a drinking, gambling bloke in your house.

He must be very good in bed, and even then it makes no sense.

You need to get this man out of your house and out of your life. You met him when you were vulnerable and let him move into the house you own with your children.
He has given you £200 a month for 6 years. He comes looking for money from you when once again he is short of money due to his drinking, gambling or possible drug taking. He has paid this money back.
No wonder he is with you when his life is so good. The reality is that if he was paying you more each month you would be in a better financial position now. You can no longer afford to carry him like he is an adult child just starting in a min wage job.
His credit history is probably very poor as well. I would not get involved with buying an apartment with him if you decide to sell the family home to help your kids to buy their own home in the next few years.

This man is in his 40's and his age he should be thinking long term where will I live and be trying to buy a place of his own. It time to tell him that it's over between you and he has to move out of your home. He should have plenty of money saved over the last 6 years to do this but of course he has a big car payment and probably debt as well.
He won't want this but I would tell him that you can no longer afford to prop up his lifestyle so it's time for him to leave.

YOU created this situation and facilitated his cocklodging ways. No sympathies OP.

be careful how he contributes so he doesn’t have a claim on your house. Do not marry.

But also do not make uourself homeless or reliant on rent to give deposit to kids. Downsizing is one option but you want cost free housing in retirement not paying rent or mortgage.

You are being silly selling your house. The rental market is grim and will give you no security.

Have you asked him to contribute more? If not, sit down and work out what a fair share of bills then tell him it's changing.

Finally get legal advice so that in the event of separation he has no claim on your house.

This post has annoyed and frustrated me sooo much! OP is not going to leave this man you can tell. He will never ever end up paying half as you can tell he’s not the type to step up to the plate!! OP please wake up!!! So the situation will just carry on, and OP will be posting the same thing again on here next year! You can show him the thread however much you want, he can say he’s shocked etc, but underneath he doesn’t care about what a group of randoms say, he wants to carry on with his frivolous lifestyle and overpriced car and you know that. DO NOT PUT HIM ON YOUR MORTGAGE!!!

He earns how much!?
You obviously aren't going to dump him which is the thing you should be doing.
I think you need to show your children that actually being on your own isn't such a bad thing and kick his arse out the door. He doesn't respect you.
My 19 year old who works at Asda gives us more per month than your embarrassment of a boyfriend does.

He knows full well what he’s been getting away with. I don’t know how he can look you in the eye now you’ve woken up to it.

Every adult knows you can’t get all inclusive accommodation for £50 a week. He isn’t surprised or taken aback in the slightest.

The eye watering amount of money he’s kept for himself that you could have been saving for 6 years. That’s the DC’s house deposits right there.

But you are making excuses. Being independent is all well and good but it’s not about letting a man freeload. Thats not independence that’s being taken for a ride.

He knows he’s getting a free ride hence the fact rather than being responsible with his money he’s saving, he’s running around spending cash like it’s going out of fashion.

The money you’ve spent letting him live rent free and go 50/50 could have gone into a fund for your daughters, paid your mortgage off, invested for your future but you’ve wasted £1000’s bankrolling this man so he can live the life of a single bloke.

And I’ll say it again, the absolute minimum he should be doing is insisting he treats you to meals put, holidays etc. Does he ever buy you gifts? Or treat you just to say thank you?

You admit you got things badly wrong at start OP but you are making excuse after excuse to justify both him and yourself. This has gone on far too long. No one should only step up when they’re pushed to. Decent adults with respect know they have to way their way in life - not be dragged kicking and screaming into being responsible humans.

Do you really want to spend the next 20 years doing exactly what you are doing now? He will continue to freeload, you will continue to stress and make excuses for him.
Please tell him to go. He's using your kindness against you.
He can take his fancy car and work out a budget to afford it, which doesn't involve you subbing him.

I would start by buying yourself a runaround car to take the 'shared' car out of the equation.
Then list all your outgoing joint expenses minus the mortgage so you know exactly what to charge him. Put the additional money in LISA's for your children.
Give him a months deadline.
Implement the plan, you will soon see if he steps up.
Good luck, whatever happens from now on isn't his fault it's on you.