LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

[Bobbingalong39]

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

@Badburyrings Lesser walleted cock lodger 🤣🤣 LOVE IT!

He gambles, doesnt pay his way, spends all his money on himself, your children don't like him, you've gone off him, just ask him to leave, you'll survive and probably be a lot happier and certainly financially better off. What does he bring to your life?

But OP you aren’t taking anything on board. You say in one post you know you moved him in too fast and you shouldn’t have done that to your DC. Then you back track and say you hid him from them so it was fine.

You said somewhere that you should have put your eldest daughter before him. But you didn’t and she moved out.

You say you might sell your house to make him buy one! One of the most ridiculous things I’ve heard. He won’t by the way. He’ll find another mug so desperate for a man they’ll let him live rent free while he throws his cash around on things for himself.

You’ve had a fairly unanimous response here. You haven’t behaved well towards your children. Carry on if you like. But when you’re back here again in a few weeks or months, you’ll likely get the same sort of exasperated responses.

Can you get a break away from him for a few days to get your head straight?

If you are seriously in any doubt about what you should do, try asking your children what they think.

I'm with you. Op, the only rational thing to do now is chuck him out (before he gets into more debt with you or someone else). What sane person would actively choose to own a house with a 'financial disaster'. Nuts.

You're not taking anything on board though are you?! You're still defending and enabling this loser, and backtracking on what you previously said.

Do you really think all these strangers on the internet, AND YOUR OWN DAUGHTER, are wrong and you are right??

How fucking desperate do you have to be to stay with him. Then post on the internet about him and completely disregard everyone's advice.

What a waste of time. You deserve this dickhead, your children don't.

Your life will improve financially and mentally once you tell this man child who has seen you coming when you were clearly vulnerable after a break up to go. Once you do that speak to a financial advisor to get a plan in place for getting your ex off the house and into your name for your kids sake . Then when you’re in a stable position you’ll attract an equally adult who is on your level not the crumbs you’re currently accepting. New year new you get rid of this and things will improve x

Don’t worry everyone, panic over! OP didn’t “move him in with her children after 7 weeks”. No, no, that’s a misunderstanding!

She SNEAKED him in the while they were asleep and he “secretly” lived there like a creepy lodger. This man could have been anyone, had his sights on your kids, anything…. You are making poor choices continuously and you need to seek therapy to understand why on earth that is. Your poor children.

You’re not listening to constructive advice, hence the irritatible comments as you're wasting people’s energy trying to support you. This is not normal or something to work at, and if you think that it is then you’ve had some very poor life lessons somewhere along the road. You need help, genuinely you need therapy because all the excuses you’re making are for a situation that cannot be justified.

If he's away and you don't charge him your giving him more opportunity to spend. He might not be on the mortgage but he must know 200 isn't a great deal compared to renting or a mortgage if it was me i would charge half off bills and food and only take 200 when he's away because if he lived in his own place he wouldn't get a pause on his bills or rent he sounds more like a lodger than a partner. If you go halves o a night out go halves on all your outgoing except mortgage.

Sorry, but are you completely mad? I'm not trying to be mean, but c'mon? Give up your financial securities for a wastrel?

Just mad!

be very very careful, do not assume the house will go to your kids if you die, he has lived there for 6 years as your common law partner, so if he does suddenly start paying some bills he can then claim he is making financial contributions to the house, also he could claim he will be homeless if the house was given to kids they would have a legal battle, make sure you have a water tight will stating your wishes that kids get everything so he does not try and rip them off their inheritance!

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I suppose we can't reason with stupid.

Completely wrong. No such thing as common law.

Him contributing to food and bills does not and never will give him any rights to the house.

Hi op,

I think the good question is “Do you feel loved, cared for, in a balanced relationship?”

If you can say yes to two of them then work out the third…if you only have one positive, ???… if you have zero of them, change boyfriend?

It does look like you already have grown out of love and that you don’t see his commitment. You are right. He doesn’t sound committed to your life together from what you say from it. It would also bother me.

Good evening 🌺

Why on earth would you save it FOR HIM if you charged him more? Surely the extra bills and food costs you more than £200pm so you’re actually worse off financially. He’s won the lottery. What’s in this for you? And he doesn’t even pay when he’s away.

You do realise that if he was renting have housing cost of potentially several thousand a month which he’s now saving as he’s living off you? Say £20k over 6 years = £120k

I have taken everything on board and agree with a lot of things that have been said to me but my original post was me expressing resentment towards my bf because he lives a life of Riley with no responsibilities. I find it very frustrating that people assume I need this man in my life because I’m desperate when it really isn’t the case. Do I think that he should step up and pay more of an equal share of the bills.. absolutely! but I never wanted it until now. I categorically didn’t want to rely on him, because if it didn’t work out then I wouldn’t feel like I couldn’t survive without his contributions. Was I naive to think that just because it was my house he shouldn’t pay..totally! He has made some poor choices in the last two years but we are working through that. With regards to me sneaking him in, I am merely saying that I didn’t just meet a stranger and move him in. I knew him before hand, I was on the rebound and started seeing him only 7 weeks after my breakup but I was hurt and my head was all over the place. My daughter found out I was seeing him and moved out to my parents. After a few months she did accept him and came home. He moved in 4 months after our relationship started, not 7 weeks. Granted this was way too soon and yes I should of waited longer to bring him into my children’s home but hindsight is a wonderful thing and what is important now is that they are happy. After a lot of thought I do think that selling my house to force his hand into buying somewhere is a stupid idea and he should want to do that off his own back without me pushing for it. He has paid every penny he owes me and I will never lend him a penny and he knows that. I just want him to prove that he can be responsible and save his money and change his lifestyle.

@Bobbingalong39 many if us have daft things in life that seemed right at the time- take no notice of all the Mrs perfects on here - the fact us you need to focus on the here and now, not whether you moved him in too soon- what's done is done- at the moment he's taking the piss- but you have allowed him to- so you need to have a serious convo - he needs to be looking at paying around £700 a month for rent/food/bills and it's still a great deal - if he thinks he can get that elsewhere and makes a fuss- then I would invite him to do so -

He’s not going to change and has clearly landed on his feet here.
not exactly a stable basis for a long term relationship

He gets to live like a teenager and you shoulder the responsibility. Don't do this to yourself. Cut ties and move forward. I think your eyes are open now so all there's left to do is take action. You were lonely before it sounds like, what's done is done, but all you can do is move on from here.

Why do you think that after 6 years he’s suddenly going to step up and become a mature adult who contributes fairly?

Even if you say you didn’t want him paying towards your household expenses, he still expects you to go 50/50 on nights out and dates He should be paying for those as the absolute bare minimum. Absolutely no decent respectful man would live rent free under his partners roof and still take money from her for dates.

And what about his drinking and gambling? And the fact he’s always down the pub rather than at home?

There’s more issues than the money but you know that

£200 a month!! WTAF! I bet that doesn't even cover his food.

You need to sit down and pull a spreadsheet together, ALL bills need to be split 50/50 and after that you need to charge him rent. If you want to be fair about it, have a look on google and see how much house shares or bedrooms are to rent and change him that as rent. My bet is it's more expensive than £200 even without the bills.

Ffs with half your bills paid and his rent money and his food paid for, I bet you could afford a car nicer than his

That update just makes it worse! You have no intention of ending the relationship and seem to have swept his many, many failings (and yours!) under the carpet.

You deserve each other, but your poor kids!! Sneaking him in every night after 7 weeks then officially moving him in after 4 months?!! That's beyond foolish, it's just stupid. And desperate. He didn't even have to take you on a date did he??

This car crash will continue in the same way, as you have neither the common sense or self-awareness to tell him to leave, nor do you want to. And you think you're independent?!! Delusional. I really pity you, how is this all you want for your and your children's lives?!

Thankyou for having a little empathy towards the situation. I briefly spoke to my BF tonight about all this and told him that I am going to work out a figure that I think is fair all round. He was a taken aback that so many people thought so badly of him but maybe a reality check is what he needed. I know a lot of people don’t understand why I have done what I’ve done but I find it hard excepting any more than the bare minimum financially as I never want to be in the situation i was in when my husband left and I had all my financial security taken away. I told him that not paying when he was away isn’t an option anymore and he agreed totally. My house is in trust and I have a will in place so my children will always be ok. I don’t need his money it’s more about principle.

LTB

Im not making excuses but i have never let him pay for me on nights out or holidays. When his mum passed we went to visit his sibling in NZ as he needed some support and he bought my ticket with his inheritance. I found it hard to accept but he insisted he wanted me to go. He does try to pay more but I don’t allow it and I don’t know why I’m like that sometimes. I don’t want him to spend his money on me I just want him to save it so
he understands that if we get as far as pension age together that he has money to live out our days comfortably.