LONG TERM BOYFRIEND IS A FINANCIAL CAR CRASH

[Bobbingalong39]

Boyfriend of six years has no real financial responsibility and is very frivolous with his money and it is starting to make me resent him. I am 40 and have three older children with who I share my house with which I purchased with my ex-husband. My boyfriend moved into my home a few months after my break up and has been living here since. My resentment has come from the fact that I pay the mortgage and all the bills including food and anything that is needed for the house. We always go Dutch on nights out or any activities we do which is what I have always been comfortable with as I am quite independent and don’t expect him to provide for me. He pays a horrendous amount of money for a car every month which amounts to more than my mortgage! That is his only financial responsibility which I urged him at the time not to do! He pays me £200 a month which I have asked for to cover his percentage of utility bills and food shopping, which granted, I asked for. in return I do use his car sometimes as he works full-time and has a works vehicle and never uses it. He has started a new job which he enjoys and sometimes means he has to work away. I have become bitter about this as while away, he earns very good money and blows the majority of this socialising with friends after work. While he’s away, I do not take any money off him so I do feel a little short changed when he is living a care free life despite working hard I know. My concerns now are that I don’t want to get in a position where I am always going to have to budget to pay my mortgage and bills while my boyfriend lives virtually rent free forever and has a comfortable life with no financial responsibility ever. I have told him that I may sell my house in a few years to give my children a deposit each to buy their own homes and that maybe he should get a mortgage and I can come and live with him for £200 a month instead! This obviously didn’t go down well and he thinks I’m being silly thinking about selling my house but I see it as helping my children onto the property ladder, as my parents did for me when I purchased my house with my ex-husband. I just want to not feel the pressure of looking out for someone all the time, and mothering them. do you think I should tell him that he has to pay half of all bills as if it was his own and that I will save the money for him just to see if he can be financially responsible or not? if I passed tomorrow, my house would be paid off with my life insurance and my children would sell the house and inherit the money and then he would be without a home. I think that he thinks if anything happened to me then the children would let him live there for the rest of his days, but unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

Stop backtracking OP

Good grief op, you are deluded.

Any woman who puts a druggie before her kids deserves everything they get.

He doesnt love you btw, hes been using you and leeching off you and your kids for years.

£200/month contribution and that's it?

I suspect that wouldn't even cover his own monthly food costs. What an absolute joke.

I don’t have the respect for him I should at this point and I am embarrassed by his life choices tbh

Funnily enough I think most of us reading your posts feel exactly the same about YOU.

You are ridiculous frankly.

Thankyou for all the post everyone but I didn’t come here to be vilified. I didn’t introduce a druggie to them as this wasn’t something that became a problem until a lot later in our relationship. He had lost his mum and things became tough between us due to his stupid decisions but I didn’t actively choose to date a “druggie”

You can't undo the past, this is true.

But you can change the future. Whether or not you continue this 'relationship' is within your control.

Nothing about this man is positive. Nothing. But unless you take action he will be in your future as well as your past.

(Do you realise that even your description of him arriving after your kids went to bed, and leaving before they woke is bonkers? So he literally just slept at yours? You moved him in so he could use your home as a hotel? Kids aren't stupid or blind - they see whats going on.)

I have a similar situation. Although he was contributing more than £200! I’ve asked him to move out, and he can get a feel for what it’s like to live in the spare bedroom of his parents’ shoe box sized house. Maybe then he’ll get a taste of his options and realise that he needs to live a more financially responsible life

You are selfish and I think you have to own that 🤷‍♀️ you put your needs over what is best for the kids.

I am really sorry for your kids as you are not able to put them first or safeguard them in any respect, they deserve better.

You must have deep seated insecurities so I would start by addressing that, for you to feel that having the useless man in your life is better than no man in your life is really sad.

In an ideal world you would tell the useless man his free life is not working for you any longer and he needs to leave.

Your previous thread, posted late 2023, said that the drug problems started in early 2022 when his mum died.

So for two years (a third of your relationship) he was taking drugs. During this time you did actively choose to date a drug-taker, because you had the option to end it the entire time.

The rest of the time it's 'only' been heavy drinking and gambling. Again, you have had the option to end it the whole time. You actively chose not to.

Please listen to those of us who are advising therapy.

Anyone can have the misfortune of stepping in shit OP.

However most of us would think a person who insisted on jumping up and down on it repeatedly quite ridiculous.

OP I don’t think you are going to get much more positive support here.
If you want to stay with this man, that is your choice but you are clearly at different life stages even though you live together.
You are a mum with responsibilities.
He is behaving like a 20 year old lad with his drinking, nights out and flash car.
You are still enabling his behaviour.
If he had his own place he would have to learn about how much it really costs to live.
Your thinking that if he wasn’t there that you would be paying all the bills may be true, but that doesn’t mean what is going on is fine.
You have a position of responsibility here and every £ you spend supporting this man you are taking from your children and your own future.
How he feels about you, and having some good times, doesn’t really matter.
He is getting away with treating you very poorly and you are letting him.
Sitting him down after 6 years for another financial chat is meaningless. He’s lost a parent, got an inheritance, and has already had to use some of that to pay off a debt. This was money left to him by his mum no doubt to help his future, which he’s already wasted.
You are not his mum, but you have become his mum.
If this continues you will wake up at 50 still with a man refusing to grow up.

You still moved a relative stranger under your kids roof before the bed was even cold from their father, prioritised this man over your daughter, facilitate his appalling behaviour, tolerate his drinking, drug taking and gambling and bankroll his immature lifestyle to the detriment of your children. And rather than accept you fucked up massively and continue to fuck up every day you enable this cocklodger, you make excuse after excuse after excuse for both him and yourself.

Bring told home truths isn’t being vilified but everyone is wasting their time because you will carry on being taken this piss out of by this freeloading prick with more red flags than a Moscow May Day parade desperately hoping he’ll change just so you can keep a man in your bed. All the while claiming you’re so independent.

Honestly if shit men was an Olympic sport this bloke would have a gold medal round his neck. Is having any old bloke that party that you are willing to degrade yourself like this?

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread so unanimous on MN and yet the OP still going ‘La la la la I’m not listening’

It isn’t as black-and-white as I’ve made it out on here. My daughter found out that I was seeing him and that is why she moved out, not because he was around my children in their home.

Mate, that's worse. She moved out because you were seeing him and you still then moved him with your other children within a matter of weeks after meeting him.

You sort of say you know this wasn't right but I'm not sure you understand quite how wrong it was. How irresponsible and to be honest, bizarre.

@Bobbingalong39 comments on here are harsh and blunt because posters can see the situation as it is without all the complicated and conflicting emotions you currently have.
I can only guess that the divorce affected you deeply and you were dealing with a very tough, unhappy time. Mr Lovebomb appeared and you quite literally fell into his arms.
Just going from your age and sequence of events, I'd also guess you've not had much relationship experience (kissing frogs , disentangling yourself from bad ones even if short etc.) .

Mr Cocklodger has it made.
The fact he has a location tracker that he 'permits' you to view would indicate you don't really trust him deep down anyway.

Be brave and get some therapy to help you navigate your way through this situation.

1: You can have the talk and ask him for rent/ more contribution, you can buy your own car and stop using his to remove that from the debate.
He may agree short term just to keep the peace and to stop his easy life from stopping but I guarantee it won't last.
Or
2: my preferred option (just from what I've read here and experienced personally) would be to give him 3 months notice to find his own place but continue to date. No need to split up. If he adores you as much as he claims, he'll agree and step up. Be a dating couple for a couple of years.

Or you just stay as you are as the fear inside you of the unknown (as a single woman) is greater than just bobbing along getting by and staying exactly where you are.

You are worth so much more.

Loyal?! More loyal to your bf of 7 weeks than your children back then!
sorry I know you can’t change that now but wtf!

What's stopping you asking him to leave this week? What is it about him that makes you want him around?

He costs you money, does fuck all, you barely have sex according to your other thread, he drinks too much, he's feckless with money.

How is this a happy, functioning relationship?

@Bobbingalong39 I get that nothing is black and white and relationships are complicated. You’re correct that you can’t change the things you have done in the past and ultimately everyone berating you for your choices won’t change what happened.

However you can change what happens going forward but you seem really reluctant to listen to anything anyone has said other than you’ll ‘ask’ him to pay more each month. In your original post you suggested you’d save this money for him in case he continues to be reckless with his finances, I hope you realise this not your responsibility and any rent/keep he gives you is yours. If anything save that up to give to your kids, not sell your home to give them the equity.

I don’t think anything anyone says is going to have much impact as you seem determined to pander to this man-child.You are infantilising him by your very clear need to try to ‘save’ him from his own foolishness. You can’t recognise that and until you do you won’t put your own needs first.

He might agree to give you more money each month but he won’t change his ways, he has no incentive because he knows you will continue to do everything for him at home and are his financial safety net when things go wrong. If he can afford £1k a month for payments on a car he doesn’t even use then he can definitely afford to give you the same, that’ll soon make a difference in the savings for your kids.

It would have to be a very committed troll to make it up, given that the OPs previous thread was in 2023. I think it's sadly true.

Your children were also grieving the breakdown of the marriage of their parents.

I'm really sorry, OP, but you absolutely put your own wants above the needs of your children and I find that goes against everything. 4 months?

Your pseudo-child wants a mummy and you're waking up to that. He doesn't want to pay his way like an adult so, you 'let him off'. Your own daughter pays £100; she's' your daughter. This man is nothing other than a leach.

Being on your own with your children isn't the least option, it's the best one. How could you ever hope to meet a solvent, decent man whilst you're cluttering up your life with this twat? Ugh.

Test what everybody's saying.. tell him to pay half and see what he says. I imagine you won't be able to change the locks quick enough (and I do hope you would change them).

Thankyou for your kind words, and there’s me thinking this was a forum for support or constructive criticism. I consider myself to be a thick skinned person who takes criticism well and despite the personal comments, does take them on board, but this isn’t helpful nor true

You’ve had multiple posts about this awful man. The comments have unanimously stated that you should get rid. You did not. Even when you discovered he was a druggie, you let him continue to live in your home (which is NOT putting your kids first).

Even now, you’re still saying truly mad things about selling your home and getting a mortgage together. You’re STILL not ending it.

Seriously, how are you expecting people to respond to you? What more can we say? And are you surprised that it’s hard to believe this is real?

beating myself up www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5207583-beating-myself-up

Read this too @Bobbingalong39 .
You're not alone

So, are YOU going to end it? Or are you also going to continue putting a waste of a man above your children?