Husband and his nights out

[INeed2Talk]

We have been together 15 years married for 9, have 2 children.
we have a great marriage, we’ve had our ups and downs, good times and bad times but we are good.

he works hard, supports myself and our family physically, emotionally and financially. He is a hands on dad and does anything for me and the kids.

he is a great husband- supportive, kind, loving.
however….. there is one thing that I really really cannot bear.

once in a while, approx once every couple of months, he goes out drinking and it always turns into a heavy session. Going back to a friends house after the pub for more drinking and I suspect drugs are in the mix, falling asleep on someone’s sofa, not coming home until early hours of the morning, not answering my calls or messages. It literally drives me mental! It’s like he has a total personality change, forgets about me, forgets he has responsibilities.
we have a family location app which is always leaves on so I can see where he is- but that’s not the point is it !?

I find it utterly disgusting and disrespectful.
now I know he works hard and life, work can be stressful and he deserves to let off steam every now and again. But when it causes me such upset distress and anxiety is it something I can continue to put up with? I’m not sure.

a friend once said to me, as long as the good outweighs the bad then that’s all that matters.

and it does, the good really does outweigh the bad. This is the only bad thing in our marriage and the only thing that causes arguments.
it doesn’t happen every weekend but still…….
the day after one of his nights out he still participates in family life, plays with the kids, cooks dinner etc. but I just don’t know if I want to be with a man who at nearly 40 years old has nights out like this.
im writing this now at nearly 4am, he went to a 40th last night and is still not home
I can see on our family location app he is round the corner at our friends house (a married couple who we are both friends with) but it still makes me really angry and upset
he knows this but continues to do it.

i love him so much but I hate this!!!

im interested to know what you guys would do in my situation ?

thank you

I would get over it. He goes out and drinks every couple of months. He's being inconsiderate and my advice would be very different if this was happening more often.

If he's an otherwise good husband, it's something I could put up with. I would make sure I had equal time to myself where he had full responsibility.

I would stop fuming about it and go to sleep.

If you can’t beat them, join them. I would do the same.

If he's using cocaine+alcohol that's a dangerous game to be playing especially as he's 40 ,the ticker isn't so strong as you get older.
The chemical make up of cocaine is changed in the body with alcohol and that's what makes it so dangerous.

It's once every couple of months, why do you have an issue with this? He sounds like a good husband and father otherwise and this is just his way of letting off some steam!

I would go to sleep!
As you said it’s once every few months, you know exactly where he is and what he’s doing. He’s ONLY nearly 40, give him a break fgs. Go out with your friends and let your hair down once in a while

I wouldn't bother texting him or calling him to see when he'll be home.
It sounds like he can't stop drinking.
Is it coke they are doing?
Do the other couple have kids?
You can let off steam without going all out. Have a few drinks and come home.
Does he drink a lot in general?

I don't understand how he's able to get up and be normal the next day.

Surprised by the replies so far. I wouldn't be with a regular drug user or want my children around one.

I think you need to give him a taste of his own medicine. Make sure to turn your phone off and don’t return to the house until the next morning. See how he likes it.

I get it .. I wouldn't be best pleased myself - regardless how he is the other days of the week. Its the anxiety of "is he alright?" heightened by the knowledge of him potentially doing drugs ...as others have pointed out he's nearly 40, hardly young and dumb.

However this is something you need to work on for your own peace of mind. It's difficult because often you can't (or wont) admit what the actual fear is. My ex used to do this to me when our child was very young and my mind would make up scenarios and I would torture myself with them ....turned out I was right about 80% of it. He did the disappearing act more frequently than your husband though but due to his dickish behaviour its left a mark. I can make myself very anxious if my husband is away out and I let my mind go back to those dark days with my ex, and it's hellish.

If you don't want to put up with this then don't. I would suggest laying out your concerns and then see what he says. If you don't feel supported then I'd say yiu have a bigger issue.

Try watching some crappy TV or listening to a podcast/audio book in the dark and see if you can drift off or even relax a little.

And also this. I would not be with a man that uses drugs or binge drinks to this extent. Absolutely a deal breaker for me.

Is the regular drug user in the room with us? OP 'suspects' he does once every few months. If you're referring to alcohol then nothing suggests he drinks a lot or regularly at home.

OP if he's decent in every other way why does this bother you so much?

The drugs would be the bit that bothers me tbh.

Getting smashed once every few months if you are generally an excellent dad and husband (or mum and wife) isn’t the end of the world to me. He probably does want to forget about all his responsibilities once in a while (I know I do). If he’s getting up and getting on with it the next day then he’s trying to minimise the impact on his family.

Honestly I couldn’t get too worked up about this (would be having very strong words about drug use though). I would say though I used to do a bit of coke smoked a bit if weed when I was younger and I was never an addict, always socially so I don’t think it inevitably spirals into an addiction for everyone. I would still feel uncomfortable with my spouse using it after having kids and obviously the ethics, now that I’m older and know a bit more about supply chains etc.

No I wouldn't be with a drug user nor an alcoholic, but he is grown up so I would not track him or check up on him and using anxiety does not make it better

I cannot imagine him totally having 2 separate lives with what he does have no affect on anyone else by doing what he does but I would not stay with him either

Once every couple of months, you know where he is and he isnt abdicating responsibility the next day, so I dont see the issue. He presumably knows that you know where he is and so that will be part of his "it will be fine, she knows I am at X's house" drunk logic.

My mother is like this, and always has been. Her kicking off led to my father eventually never going out, her being "worried" that he is isolated and then her taking it VERY badly when I pointed out that her kicking off for hours after he went out and got back later than she deemed acceptable about once a year was probably why.

Alcoholic?

He isn't a great father is he?
A great father doesn't do drugs, stay out all night leaving his wife worried. I'm guessing he is totally useless following a binge? How is that being a great father
I've zero tolerance for drugs.

It’s like he ... forgets about me, forgets he has responsibilities

Isn't that the point? I don't think getting away from your responsibilities once every couple of months is terrible. If he was doing something that risked his responsibilities, like gambling the mortgage payment or using prostitutes, that would be a problem. But he's literally getting out of his head for a while.

It might be healthier to achieve this through meditation, hypnotherapy, hiking Ben Nevis or something, but his chosen route is easy and sociable. What do you do to forget your cares for a few hours, or would you like to do? Do it!

Did you bother to read the OP?

the day after one of his nights out he still participates in family life, plays with the kids, cooks dinner etc

It's once every couple of months, OP knows exactly where he is as she tracks him, she hasn't actually explained what she finds so worrying about it. She also doesn't know if he does drugs.

That is tough. You have expressed a need to him and he is choosing to not respect it and put his wants first.
I would be very bothered as well. Life can't be perfect all the way around obviously but this is something that is eating at you and it won't get easier. It will keep chipping away at you until it boils over.

You mentioned that it causes arguments between the two of you so you have had some kind of discussion I assume. Hopefully not just an attacking argument. I don't know the nature of your discussion but have you tried to say something like " I would like to discuss how the staying out late is affecting me and I hope we can find a solution/compromise ". Has he been open to finding any kind of middle ground?

You are entitled to your own boundaries but personally I think you are being a touch uptight here.
Just because you don't enjoy nights out doesn't mean they are wrong or odd.
I still enjoy a good night out at 38 so does my husband and he is 52!
As long as it's not every weekend and the person is still able to do anything they said they would do the next day I do not see the problem?
If I go on a night out I usually stay with friends and return in the morning. I might txt my partner a couple of times but i wouldn't be in constant contact. And this would be the same if he went on a night out.
Like i said its up to you what your boundaries are but this seems pretty normal to me, I wouldn't break up a good relationship over it. This is something probably the majority of people would do.
You sound faintly controlling and insecure. I'm not trying to offend you. I know probably from your perspective of someone who doesn't enjoy nights out, you find it hard to understand.
But honestly it's normal. The only issue would be if he weren't available to participate in family life the next day.. or he let you down regarding things he was supposed to do, or he was going out every weekend. Then I think it would be reasonable to take issue with it.
But as it stands I'm sorry but you do sound a bit controlling.

is it that he might be doing drugs that’s the issue? I wouldn’t be worried about a big night out every few months but I can understand some people would be very upset about the drugs.

It would be the drugs that would do it for me and I absolutely wouldn't tolerate it.
The rest of it? Annoying but not worth ending your marriage over if you say he's decent in every other way, always leaves his location on and is part of family life the next day.
Like I said though, if there are drugs involved then absolutely I'd go batshit.

If he gets up fine the next day and plays with the kids, makes dinner I'd doubt he's taking drugs. If he is taking drugs I doubt he's falling asleep on a couch and more likely to be taking stuff till early hours. I'd personally want to know for sure if he is or isn't as that would be the deal breaker for me..if he isn't, it wouldn't bother me every few months. Not sure why you wouldn't be invited to a 40th with him though. We are 39 and go together to parties.

This is exactly it he can’t stop drinking. Yea coke is what I suspect. Not every time but some of the times.

he doesn’t drink at home no, only when he goes out.
i don’t understand how he gets up and does it either but he forces himself to do it. I wouldn’t be able to!

He isn’t a regular drug user. I suspect Coke is in the mix sometimes but not every time