Husband and his nights out

[INeed2Talk]

We have been together 15 years married for 9, have 2 children.
we have a great marriage, we’ve had our ups and downs, good times and bad times but we are good.

he works hard, supports myself and our family physically, emotionally and financially. He is a hands on dad and does anything for me and the kids.

he is a great husband- supportive, kind, loving.
however….. there is one thing that I really really cannot bear.

once in a while, approx once every couple of months, he goes out drinking and it always turns into a heavy session. Going back to a friends house after the pub for more drinking and I suspect drugs are in the mix, falling asleep on someone’s sofa, not coming home until early hours of the morning, not answering my calls or messages. It literally drives me mental! It’s like he has a total personality change, forgets about me, forgets he has responsibilities.
we have a family location app which is always leaves on so I can see where he is- but that’s not the point is it !?

I find it utterly disgusting and disrespectful.
now I know he works hard and life, work can be stressful and he deserves to let off steam every now and again. But when it causes me such upset distress and anxiety is it something I can continue to put up with? I’m not sure.

a friend once said to me, as long as the good outweighs the bad then that’s all that matters.

and it does, the good really does outweigh the bad. This is the only bad thing in our marriage and the only thing that causes arguments.
it doesn’t happen every weekend but still…….
the day after one of his nights out he still participates in family life, plays with the kids, cooks dinner etc. but I just don’t know if I want to be with a man who at nearly 40 years old has nights out like this.
im writing this now at nearly 4am, he went to a 40th last night and is still not home
I can see on our family location app he is round the corner at our friends house (a married couple who we are both friends with) but it still makes me really angry and upset
he knows this but continues to do it.

i love him so much but I hate this!!!

im interested to know what you guys would do in my situation ?

thank you

Everyone you know who's in a relationship might be cheating. Nothing that OP has said suggests there's evidence of cheating or that she even suspects it - so why are so many people so keen to put the idea in her head?

Many people are capable of going for a night out without shagging anyone

Having had a partner who hated me going out and hounded me constantly the whole time I can see why your husband ignores his phone. He is a grown man he doesn’t need to check in to soothe your anxiety.

If it was an emergency presumably you would text that and he would be in touch when he saw it. The fact that you constantly ring him (it happens enough for you to know he ignores his phone when out) would make it clear that it is indeed not an emergency.

You don’t know if he is doing drugs, he is a good husband and father, he can’t be getting that wasted if he is fully functioning the next day, I would suggest you look honestly at your own motives for not liking this. I suspect it is rooted in your own insecurities and not actually any concern for your dh.

Oh get over it!! Leave him alone what a nag.

This in spades

Yea ok ….

He has a drink and drug problem, doesn’t he? The fact that so many people wouldn’t have a problem with it shows how normalised this type of behaviour has become. I had a drink problem myself btw although never used drugs so now see this kind of behaviour for what it is. He may not be a daily boozer but he has no off switch once he starts plainly

If he’s fine the next day he’s either got a high tolerance or using coke as I believe some heavy drinkers use this to sober themselves up.

You can’t make him change OP only he can do that but what you can decide is what you are able and willing to put up with.

everybody needs to cut loose now and again. He seems an otherwise lovely family man who has an outlet with his friends very couple of months. Leave him be and maybe plan a social life for yourself

A bit of a bender once every few months with (maybe) some coke occassionally is hardly a drink or drugs problem. A lot of people get like this when they have more than a couple the switch that says "stop drinking now" stops working. Personally I dont like drugs and have never used them, but I do know that there is a world of difference between a line or two every few months and a problem habit.

If he was doing this on a weekly basis, you may have a point but he isnt.

The OP on the wine in the airport thread has been told she has a drink problem if she "cant fly without wine" ( which she never said, just she likes a drink at the airport as part of the start of the holiday) and that she shouldnt be in charge of her two older kids as a result as she wouldnt be safe.

The pearl clutching on here about acohol is ridiculous.

No, what is ridiculous is the normalisation of this kind of behaviour largely due to the social acceptance of alcohol.

I drank heavily myself for years, I consider myself well placed to see alcohol for exactly what it is. Hardly a pearl clutcher.

I read a book called Kilo it goes through the process from leaf to powder.The human cost in terms of misery and murders from start to finish in the process is immeasurable..but hey as long as it's only a couple of toots on a Saturday

I think it's more worrying that a lot of people don't have an issue with his behaviour.
So you'd also be ok with your partner staying out for the night too? Blimey, there's way too many people willing to put up with disrespect in their relationships.

Why is it disrespectful to stay out for a night when you're married or in a long term relationship? That's madness.

I must see marriage very differently to lots of you because I don't recall agreeing to relinquish my fun and freedom and just go couples bowling. 🙄

Its all about context

"I am out with X and Y next weekend, it will probably be a late one so dont wait up" and him still managing to do his share the next day (unless prearranged to be off duty, which is fine as long as both parties agree) is perfectly respectful

To say "I am off out for a couple, be back about 10" and then to not turn up without any word of contact at 6 am the following day and be a total write off so the other parent has to do it all isnt ok at all.

Sounds the OP and her DH have no problem with him going out late, she was just pissed off he wasnt answering her messages. She knew where he was and who he was with. Sounds quite controlling of the OP tbh. As I said above, my mother was/is like this and in the end my father just stopped going anywhere.

Sheesh! If he's nearly 40, he's still young. I'm over 10 years older and probably get out more often than he does, and certainly did at his age. It's once every 2 months by your own description, and does not even affect his ability to be involved with family the next day - that's impressive. Even if he was too hungover and needed the next day to recover I'd say its fine every couple of months.
What exactly about it do you have a problem with? Are you jealous that you are not ever out having fun? Do you want him glued to the home every evening? Is it that he's having fun without you? Well maybe he'd let you join him if interested, but you are so busy condemning it, like you are better for not doing it.
Well, you're a long time dead, and if it was every weekend I could see the issue, but having responsibilities does not mean you have to give up going out altogether. There's nothing wrong with it occasionally, nothing wrong at all. I'm afraid you are maybe coming across as the ' aged before your time' killjoy here. You should aim to join him, might make your perfect relationship even better. You also sound very needy if you are calling and messaging him all night, that screams jealous for attention or lack of trust.

I couldn't get my knickers in a twist about this. He sounds amazing so why give him a hard time over one night every now and then. I'd count my blessings 🥰

You and I are the same age ish I think, and I am same! Go out more now than then as I still had young kids but managed it at least once a month when I was his age.

I agree with the "old before your time" thing and your last words sentence. As I have mentioned several times, my mother was like this. And it was needy and controlling.

This. With bells on.

Do you not socialise together? Why is he at your friend’s house on his own?

Going out every few months isn't a issue doing drugs is staying out over night is not good personally me and dp don't do separate nights out we prefer to do couple nights out but that's because that's how we like it if he wanted to go out or me I wouldn't be concerned

But having said that he isn't evading his responsibility he is still helping and doing things the next day
Plus he isn't drinking at home so I wouldn't see any of this as a concern

Op have you considered going out with friends once a month or similar

Absolutely deal breaker for me. I'd be filing for divorce from this one.

I'd be OK if I knew when it was going to happen.

Although annoying it's not often abd he pulls his wright otherwise.

It's not just the non answering of calls or texts which bother the Op, it's the staying out practically overnight, It's not controlling of her to expect her husband home at a decent hour (I'm not saying he should rush back at 11pm, but he wasn't back even at 4am and was not contactable, that's taking the piss)

Married people don't have a curfew!

At least, I don't. If I want to stay out till 4 I will. My husband doesn't 'expect' me home at 'a decent hour'.

Practically overnight. Oh dear.

And who is it taking the piss out of?

If I go out and stay out it is not taking the piss out of my husband. He's not my keeper. I don't answer to him. Why is it 'taking the piss'?

Hes not doing it every day. Yabu you know where he is He is allowed to have fun and downtime with his friends just as much as you are. Just because he socialises differently to you doesnt make him out of order