Husband and his nights out

[INeed2Talk]

We have been together 15 years married for 9, have 2 children.
we have a great marriage, we’ve had our ups and downs, good times and bad times but we are good.

he works hard, supports myself and our family physically, emotionally and financially. He is a hands on dad and does anything for me and the kids.

he is a great husband- supportive, kind, loving.
however….. there is one thing that I really really cannot bear.

once in a while, approx once every couple of months, he goes out drinking and it always turns into a heavy session. Going back to a friends house after the pub for more drinking and I suspect drugs are in the mix, falling asleep on someone’s sofa, not coming home until early hours of the morning, not answering my calls or messages. It literally drives me mental! It’s like he has a total personality change, forgets about me, forgets he has responsibilities.
we have a family location app which is always leaves on so I can see where he is- but that’s not the point is it !?

I find it utterly disgusting and disrespectful.
now I know he works hard and life, work can be stressful and he deserves to let off steam every now and again. But when it causes me such upset distress and anxiety is it something I can continue to put up with? I’m not sure.

a friend once said to me, as long as the good outweighs the bad then that’s all that matters.

and it does, the good really does outweigh the bad. This is the only bad thing in our marriage and the only thing that causes arguments.
it doesn’t happen every weekend but still…….
the day after one of his nights out he still participates in family life, plays with the kids, cooks dinner etc. but I just don’t know if I want to be with a man who at nearly 40 years old has nights out like this.
im writing this now at nearly 4am, he went to a 40th last night and is still not home
I can see on our family location app he is round the corner at our friends house (a married couple who we are both friends with) but it still makes me really angry and upset
he knows this but continues to do it.

i love him so much but I hate this!!!

im interested to know what you guys would do in my situation ?

thank you

I think you're reaction is over the top! It's bordering on controlling.
He is allowed to have some free time and blow off steam. You are too!
Go to sleep next time and stop obsessing about him still being out. What harm is he actually doing?!?

How does OP know what harm he is actually doing?
She has no idea what drugs he is taking, what amount of drink he is drinking, who he is actually with , or what he is actually doing.
All she knows is where his phone, which he is ignoring , is.
At the very least if he is drinking to excess and taking drugs he is putting himself in danger.
If there is a family emergency then OP cannot contact him.
This is not the behaviour of a responsible man with wife and family.

Probably because OP isn't even sure he takes any drugs at all, he doesn't even drink normally when he's at home around the family, and it's only a few times a year. OP has described how he is decent other than this, it would take a lot of things to change for 4ish days a year to outweighs 361 of him being decent.

@Flowerrrr - you have nailed it with this:

“Probably because OP isn't even sure he takes any drugs at all, he doesn't even drink normally when he's at home around the family, and it's only a few times a year. OP has described how he is decent other than this, it would take a lot of things to change for 4ish days a year to outweighs 361 of him being decent.”

And he makes sure he’s part of family time the next day.

@INeed2Talk - your DH is allowed his occasional time off without you controlling him with your anxiety.

You’re also allowed your time off and I hope you’re also getting it.

Why is it you're calling, texting him when he's out?
ffs calm down and leave him be

Bloody hell, low standards on here.

No way would I hang around in a marriage to a man who thinks it's okay to get obliterated to the point he loses so much control he takes cocaine. No fucking way.

The going out and having a few drinks is one thing OP. The total loss of control and cocaine is another entirely and you're totally justified in not wanting to tolerate that imo.

@Chocolatestrawberry123 I really wouldn't care if my adult partner stayed out overnight with his mates once a month - I think it's more worrying that so many people have an issue with it, tbh.

OP has zero evidence that he's drinking or doing drugs, or even that he's not getting her calls - she's just pissed off that he doesn't stay in contact message her back.

I think adults should be able to go out and let off steam even when they're married with children 🤷‍♀️

@Flowerrrr until it gets more than a few times a year and like I said the bad times outweigh the good. If he's out until early hours and the OP suspects drug use she's probably got good reason, you don't stay awake until 4am then be a normal family man the next day without the help of some Columbian marching powder in my experience.

Where are you getting 'loss of control' from? Been back through OPs posts and can't see it mentioned.

@coffeesaveslives im pretty sure it’s pretty obvious when people have been drinking heavily the night before…
Well unless they’re proper high functioning alcoholic, which is not what the OP is describing.

Otherwise? Yep pretty obvious when someone has been drinking heavily the night before. Even if you don’t see them being sick. From the colour of the skin, the inability to do anything, headaches etc etc….

Except if you read her updates, he's absolutely fine the next day - he cooks, plays with the kids and functions perfectly normally!

For me, someone who drinks in such a way that they end up vomiting, forget what they’ve done etc…. Is someone who isn’t in control of their drinking.

I’d describe someone who goes on a bender every so often and cannot manage to not drink too much, aka the OP’s description of her dh, as someone who isn’t in control of their drinking. Many people,e in the U.K. seem to find that normal though 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I was out until 3am. Just drinking, absolutely no drugs.

I'm a little delicate today but I'm functioning with no issues.
I've cooked Sunday dinner and I'm now taking my DS to a birthday party.

I'm in my 40's and was out with other people my age and older. We're all carrying out normal family duties today.

I think you’re over reacting op. It’s every couple of months and letting your hair down once in a blue moon is absolutely fine, especially if he is relatively normal the next day.

my dad is 70 next year and he goes out with ‘the boys’ a few times a year and stumbles home at 3am, so age is somewhat irrelevant

OP what is it about what he does that you don't like. You've said how you feel but not why you feel this way?

For me, the absolute deal breaker would be the drugs. Have you asked him if he uses drugs or are you guessing?

Other than that, I don't see the issue in your DH having a night out every couple of months. I'm almost 40, so is my DH and we love a night out with our friends separately every few months too.

I’d insist that this man has decent life insurance and a will.

@INeed2Talk only you can work out if there are absolute deal-breakers here. He seems like a good bloke who is generally available, involved and has lots of good qualities.

For me, this is absolutely fine and I don't see any issues at all. Although, I'm more likely to be the person going out than my partner.

It's definitely worth exploring what it is that you don't like.
Staying out late and coming in drunk?
Taking drugs?
Going out with his friends?
The fact that he's too old for a big night out?

Is this about the practicalities or is it values based?

I don't think being in your 40s/50s means you can't party any more but you might.

This.

If he's otherwise a good partner and parent, what's the issue with him going out? why does it bother you that he enjoys something that you don't? would you approve of his social life if he was back by 10pm after two shandies?

heavy drinking isn't my thing but an infrequent blow out where he's contactable and you know where he is, which doesn't interfere with any other plans, feels like an odd thing to get so upset about.

I wouldn't want to be with a coke user but as the PP has said, that's a different kettle of fish.

Tbh if my OH was on a session I’d prefer them to stay out rather than have them pissed crashing about I’d just take myself of to bed

a bit of a snap judgment about drugs but if that isn’t a issue for you get yourself to bed and enjoy the peace

Any time I have more than a few beers I end up with horrendous post nasal drip all day the next day, so I wouldn't use the nose blowing alone as proof of drug taking.

WTF??!!

what an odd thing to say.

I sort of agree with this.
At nearly 60 I love an odd late night on the tiles, so do my friends.
To prove we can do it, and why we don't do it too often!

The drugs are different I wouldn't like that, but alcohol wrecks my sinuses and I often have a runny nose the day after.
Its a thing.

He sounds like a good husband and father and as long as he is safe, not putting himself at risk and just enjoys a blow out every couple of months, I'd be inclined to give him a pass.

Are you jealous OP? Do you have many nights out or social events of your own?

This is not something to get so worked up about imo.

Only issue for me would be the drug use. I’d find dp phoning and texting me all night whilst I was out with friends very controlling and weird. I wouldn’t have it.

Forgetting his responsibilities is probably the point of it all.