Husband and his nights out

[INeed2Talk]

We have been together 15 years married for 9, have 2 children.
we have a great marriage, we’ve had our ups and downs, good times and bad times but we are good.

he works hard, supports myself and our family physically, emotionally and financially. He is a hands on dad and does anything for me and the kids.

he is a great husband- supportive, kind, loving.
however….. there is one thing that I really really cannot bear.

once in a while, approx once every couple of months, he goes out drinking and it always turns into a heavy session. Going back to a friends house after the pub for more drinking and I suspect drugs are in the mix, falling asleep on someone’s sofa, not coming home until early hours of the morning, not answering my calls or messages. It literally drives me mental! It’s like he has a total personality change, forgets about me, forgets he has responsibilities.
we have a family location app which is always leaves on so I can see where he is- but that’s not the point is it !?

I find it utterly disgusting and disrespectful.
now I know he works hard and life, work can be stressful and he deserves to let off steam every now and again. But when it causes me such upset distress and anxiety is it something I can continue to put up with? I’m not sure.

a friend once said to me, as long as the good outweighs the bad then that’s all that matters.

and it does, the good really does outweigh the bad. This is the only bad thing in our marriage and the only thing that causes arguments.
it doesn’t happen every weekend but still…….
the day after one of his nights out he still participates in family life, plays with the kids, cooks dinner etc. but I just don’t know if I want to be with a man who at nearly 40 years old has nights out like this.
im writing this now at nearly 4am, he went to a 40th last night and is still not home
I can see on our family location app he is round the corner at our friends house (a married couple who we are both friends with) but it still makes me really angry and upset
he knows this but continues to do it.

i love him so much but I hate this!!!

im interested to know what you guys would do in my situation ?

thank you

Thank you. He doesn’t drink at home only when he goes out and he isn’t a regular drug user. I just suspect it sometimes not ever time.

it think bothers me so much because I worry if he is okay, and worry something could happen to him.
don’t know why, he’s a grown man! I need to stop worrying about him I suppose but it’s hard

They're none of them around him, he goes off and does it with his friends, every now and then.

Why do you phone him if you know he is not going to answer
Go to sleep

he is a great father thank you

I'm surprised by a lot of the pp who think this is acceptable behaviour.

He is binge drinking to excess and probably doing drugs. This isn't the normal behaviour of a responsible husband and father.

Partying to the extent he actually forgets he has a wife and family is not acceptable behaviour.

He knows he is causing his wife upset and distress and yet is continuing to do this. Either he has a drink/ drugs problem or he doesn't really care about his DW.

I think should be having a serious think OP about whether you are willing to put up with this behaviour in your marriage

You haven’t offended me at all. This has really hit a nerve and I needed to hear it! I’ve read it over and over again. Thank you very much x

The location app means his phone is around the corner, not that he is. The fact he doesn't answer calls or texts during this time would make me think he is leaving his phone somewhere as cover to meet someone else. My friend's partner did this, he had another phone he used that he hid under a floorboard at home!

Maybe you’re right and he isn’t taking drugs I just sometimes suspects due to the company he keeps and constantly blowing his stuffy nose the next day.

i didn’t go to the 40th as i have work today. We were not invited

This might be really harsh of me but I've got to say it: I don't think your anxiety and distress when he goes on these nights outweighs his right to enjoy himself.

If he were not pulling his weight in all the other ways you say, my sympathies would be elsewhere.

Generally I think it's a recipe for disaster if one partner tries to stop the other from doing what they enjoy- or at least to stop them from doing it completely (of course with a marriage and kids, reasonable compromise should be expected). One person's anxiety and distress can easily become controlling behaviours - not deliberately necessarily but the impact is the same regardless.

Lots of people like a blow-out once in a while. You're right that drugs and this level of drinking are far from ideal and I can see why you'd be worried, but I also get the impression that he has never seriously hurt himself / hurt anyone else / been disloyal to you during these episodes and that he is partying with friends who have his back and offer him places to stay.

I'm perfectly prepared to be shot down here if my view of the situation seems relaxed. I suppose my view is shaped a bit by my experience of female friends whose partners ban them from big nights out or check up on them constantly when they're out on the name of 'looking out for them' - to me these women have always seemed inappropriately controlled by their DPs and I've been upset and angry on their behalf - feelings they have tended to share but not felt able to express to their DPs for fear of being accused of cheating or covering things up. Your own situation isn't an exact mirror of this and perhaps I'm seeing too many parallels.

OP - this is absolutely a ‘you’ problem.

Why is it not ok for your husband to go out and stay out once every few months?
He’s a grown man, responsible- you say loving and kind.
Why can’t you just assume he will be out very late or early the next morning, and let him go?

Assuming you have the same opportunities to go out, then YOU are being quite controlling and unkind.

However, the cocaine ( if it is indeed happening) is a bigger deal. Personally I couldn’t be with someone who did cocaine, but that’s a separate issue to going out.

If you know where he is and what he's doing, what's the sense in getting yourself all worked up and upset about it?

You know he's out with his mates. You know where he is. You know he'll be back the next day and perfectly okay to contribute and carry on as normal. So why not just go to sleep and enjoy the peace and quiet?

I have to admit this sounds like a "you" problem - you don't enjoy nights out so part of you is pissed off that he has something he loves and enjoys that you're not part of. I don't think that's a healthy way to live.

I was thinking along the exact same lines as NewmummyJ

You've no idea if he's purposely leaving his phone at his friends, but then going off elsewhere. I'm not trying to upset you, but it's one way he could get away with cheating. and maybe the opportunity only arises occasionally for him to do so (there could be another woman whose partner sometimes works away) hence he only goes off now and again.
I just find it odd that someone who never really drinks would need to have a massive 'blow out', even now and again.

And the fact that he doesn't even answer your calls also adds to the question if he's really in the same location as his phone.

I think this is ok.
But that's irrelevant if you don't OP then you don't.
Personally I would enjoy the night in alone, girlie film on, early night, glass of wine, book.

If it's the only problem you have I would advice you get over it.

There's nothing wrong with anyone going out for a few drinks with friends every now and then, but I would find the binge drinking, drug use and staying out all night a bit worrying. What would bother me most of all is the fact that he doesn't answer phone calls or texts. What if you needed to contact him in an emergency, such as if one of the kids were seriously ill? Going out and letting off steam is one thing, but binge drinking, taking drugs, staying out all night and ignoring phone messages just seems like he's behaving like a teenager, instead of a 40 year old husband and father.

If I were you, I'd arrange a night out with your friends every couple of months, and leave him at home with the kids while you ignore your phone and stay out till all hours. See how he likes it!

It wouldn’t bother me as he appears to make you happy the rest of the time. Doesn’t sound like he’s an addict either as it’s only bi-monthly. Stop trying to contact him when he has his big nights out as he always comes home the next day.
I don’t have a problem with wanting a blow-out at this level. It only becomes a problem if he starts doing it more often. Have you asked him if he takes drugs? Why don’t you ask him? Is it because he’s afraid to tell you because he suspects a negative reaction?
Recreational drug use is common at his age and doesn’t have to impact on everyday life. He doesn’t in any way sound like an alcoholic either.
My ex used to do this and was absolutely not addicted to anything, he just enjoyed it. We also went to raves together and took MDMA when DD was little and she stayed with my mum and dad. I loved our nights out - they were some of the best times of my life. I grew out of it in my mid forties!

Fucking hell, I thought the posts saying he was an alcoholic and bad father were a bit of stretch, but now his whole life is a lie and he's having an affair!

I agree with everything @Thatcastlethere - we all deserve to let loose and decompress every once in a while.

Its normal to worry about the people you love, but as you say its once every few months and he goes out and then to a friends, he's also fully engaged with family life the next day so I'd be surprised if he was getting super wrecked (and if he is then fair play to him for pushing through). I agree with a PP that it seems weirder or whatever if you're not a fan of going out yourself; but plenty of people still enjoy having drinks with their mates once in a while especially for milestone birthdays etc. I don't usually spend a lot of time on my phone to DH when I'm out but he knows ill message or phone if anything happens. Could you meet in the middle, say you understand he enjoys going out and don't have an issue, but would appreciate a quick text at least when he's back at his friends or whatever?

I'd also as a PP has said arrange something nice for yourself those evenings- free reign of the TV remote, maybe get your favourite food in and enjoy having some time to yourself.

Once every few months? I'm honestly always baffled by posters who seem to get a thrill out of making things worse for OPs by coming up with some ridiculously unlikely scenarios that are objectively bananas but might play into the insecurities they've listed.

So you are happy when he is doing all of those things you deem necessary to a super high standard

But you don’t like him going out a few times a year and sleeping out

Even though he is so terrified of your judgment he drags himself out of bed because he isn’t allowed to have a hangover

ffs people on here who are saying it’s acceptable because he doesn’t let his hangover get in the way the next day are just as bad - he isn’t even allowed to be hungover!

Seriously, OP, I would just let this pass. If it was a regular thing - like weekly - it would bother me, but everyone is entitled to let their hair down and forget about life every once in a while.

@NagathaCrispy hes only allowed to do it on the condition he can still meet his family obligations the next day though!

op do you even work?

The coke taking would bother me.

Wouldn't the coke help sober him up though....?
Maybe that's how he is able to get up and show up for his family the next day 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are allowed to feel your feelings OP. Obviously. You don't sound in the least controlling to me.
My other half used to work on a stroke ward in a hospital she used to tell me about blokes with your husband's exact profile waking up and asking how did I get here? I appreciate that's not your responsibility and I don't want to be dramatic about this but I do think posters telling you his behaviour iterally has no consequences aren't being entirely reasonable.

As you have said, after these nights out, he still participates in family life, cooks dinner, plays with the kids etc. But you don't like him going out because you want him to... What?
Be contactable? Tell you how the night is going? Tell you where he is(when you can see on the app)?
Sorry OP, I'm having a hard time figuring out what the problem is here, other than you "don't like it".