Husband and his nights out

[INeed2Talk]

We have been together 15 years married for 9, have 2 children.
we have a great marriage, we’ve had our ups and downs, good times and bad times but we are good.

he works hard, supports myself and our family physically, emotionally and financially. He is a hands on dad and does anything for me and the kids.

he is a great husband- supportive, kind, loving.
however….. there is one thing that I really really cannot bear.

once in a while, approx once every couple of months, he goes out drinking and it always turns into a heavy session. Going back to a friends house after the pub for more drinking and I suspect drugs are in the mix, falling asleep on someone’s sofa, not coming home until early hours of the morning, not answering my calls or messages. It literally drives me mental! It’s like he has a total personality change, forgets about me, forgets he has responsibilities.
we have a family location app which is always leaves on so I can see where he is- but that’s not the point is it !?

I find it utterly disgusting and disrespectful.
now I know he works hard and life, work can be stressful and he deserves to let off steam every now and again. But when it causes me such upset distress and anxiety is it something I can continue to put up with? I’m not sure.

a friend once said to me, as long as the good outweighs the bad then that’s all that matters.

and it does, the good really does outweigh the bad. This is the only bad thing in our marriage and the only thing that causes arguments.
it doesn’t happen every weekend but still…….
the day after one of his nights out he still participates in family life, plays with the kids, cooks dinner etc. but I just don’t know if I want to be with a man who at nearly 40 years old has nights out like this.
im writing this now at nearly 4am, he went to a 40th last night and is still not home
I can see on our family location app he is round the corner at our friends house (a married couple who we are both friends with) but it still makes me really angry and upset
he knows this but continues to do it.

i love him so much but I hate this!!!

im interested to know what you guys would do in my situation ?

thank you

If I were you, I'd arrange a night out with your friends every couple of months, and leave him at home with the kids while you ignore your phone and stay out till all hours. See how he likes it!

I always see comments like this and I really don't think they're the "gotcha" people think they are - OP's DH sounds like a good egg and probably wouldn't care if his wife went out to let her hair down every few months 🤷‍♀️

I don't think anyone has said there's no risks, have they? There are risks to anything. A youngish man who is otherwise healthy drinking once every few months and maybe, but probably not doing coke even less regularly so say once or twice at year isn't at huge risk of a stroke. You know this, yet another who is keen to worry an already anxious OP further, ew.

God I wish I had done this with my idiot XH. It might actually have made a difference…

OP, the problem really is that, over time, this behaviour erodes love and respect. He needs to be aware that he is playing a dangerous game.

If you can't change him then you can change your attitude. Stop trying to contact him when he's out and leave him to fend for himself.

You need to get over yourself! Yeah its not ideal behaviour but its not every weekend and he is fantastic in every other way!

I wouldn’t be happy about the coke, but the rest of it, assuming it’s planned is fine. Everyone needs a night out with friends on occasion.

Dh does the same every couple months, minus the drug use. It’s a planned night out. He goes with the intention of staying with friends and not coming home until mid- morning. Sometimes it’s a whole weekend.

It’s fine, I have nights and weekends away too. I go away on holiday on my own without Dh or the dc. It’s great. Now I don’t drink (because I don’t drink), but I don’t begrudge anyone else doing it every so often, as long as they aren’t driving or doing it every weekend to the point of being off their face. I’d be much more annoyed at someone going out and then pestering me with messages all night and then stumbling in and waking me up at 3am.

“Garlicpest · Today 05:14

It’s like he ... forgets about me, forgets he has responsibilities
Isn't that the point? I don't think getting away from your responsibilities once every couple of months is terrible. If he was doing something that risked his responsibilities, like gambling the mortgage payment or using prostitutes, that would be a problem. But he's literally getting out of his head for a while.
It might be healthier to achieve this through meditation, hypnotherapy, hiking Ben Nevis or something, but his chosen route is easy and sociable. What do you do to forget your cares for a few hours, or would you like to do? Do it!”

I’m with @Garlicpest on this. I confess I’ve not RTFT but I find the fact that you object to him not thinking about you for this occasional night out and the fact you regard it as disrespectful as quite alarming. You’re making this about you when it’s about your DH’s need for a bit of a break. His life does not have to revolve around you all the time. That’s wrong and unhealthy. Be careful not to tip into being controlling. Just make sure you get similar time off for yourself.

You one hundred percent set the boundaries for your own marriage. I would not accept this as I think once you have a family your priorities should change. In my brothers marriage this is fine and sister in law seemingly has no issues with my brother doing similar with a similar frequency. Personally I’d find it unappealing in a man approaching 40 or my brother in his mid 50s 🙄.

Those of you dismissing the idea of cheating might be surprised at what a good family man might get up to under the influence of heavy drink and possibly drugs and in the company of lots of other men on a night out.

It's not once every few months, it's every couple of months, not that it's relevant, but it shows he's doing it more frequently than you say.

And I'm not trying to 'get a thrill' out of suggesting he could be cheating on the OP, I'm being realistic.
I'm not at all saying that he shouldn't be having nights out alone with friends to let his hair down, but the fact is he's staying out overnight and not answering calls or contacting the OP to say where he is, regardless of there's a location app on the phones.

What kind of 'family man' doesn't respond to calls (every time he goes out) from his wife? Surely that must tell you he's not as caring a partner as he should be. He knows the OP gets upset that she can't contact him, but he clearly thinks of number one and each time he goes out he can't be contacted. .
As a pp said, what if there's a family emergency?
Why is he deliberately switching his phone off and/or ignoring it?
If he's able to get up with the kids and function normally the next day, then he can't be that wasted during the night, so why doesn't he go home?

This is why I'm saying that he COULD be, not that he definitely is, playing around.

What kind of 'family man' doesn't respond to calls (every time he goes out) from his wife?

One who knows it's not an emergency because it happens every single time he goes out? And if it was an emergency, she'd text him to say as such?

Why does she need to ring him every time he goes out? She knows he's with his mates, why not just leave him alone?

We all have our own boundaries.
I couldn’t live with someone who can’t stop drinking like this. Not every other month.
Other people find it ok and that’s fine for them too.

Thats up to you to decide @INeed2Talk
But it’s not a deal breaker for you and you feel it’s an ok thing to do, then you need to accept it fully.
let him go. Don’t contact him and agree on a realistic time he’ll be back - eg the morning after before 11.00am. And then trust he is a grown man, able to look after himself agdand will be out with friends that will be looking out for him.
Id agree too on behaviour when he is back home. I doubt he’ll be able to do much but again up to you to see if you’re happy holding the fort in your own for the day. He wouldn’t get commiseration from me though. I’d expect him to get on with it on his own iyswim.

The occasional drunken night out assuming he doesn't seem to generally be an alcoholic the rest of the time, but the drugs would be a deal breaker for me. I absolutely would not stay with my DH if he started taking drugs, it's an absolute hard line for me

But why do you wind yourself up about it? You know where he is, you know what he is doing, you know he is going to come back to you. What exactly is it that you’re so anxious about? Is it because he is doing something you don’t approve of because you don’t do it?
I would worry about a switch that can’t be turned off when it comes to drinking, but if you’ve been together all these years and he still only does it every couple of months, then it would seem he has a handle on letting that gremlin out.
You have a decent man with a weakness that hardly impacts you at all. None of us is perfect, including you.

What kind of 'family man' doesn't respond to calls (every time he goes out) from his wife?

the kind who needs a break from his day to day responsibilities and from an overbearing wife who probably has nothing of urgency to discuss

What a silly response. How can anyone ' know' if and when an emergency might arise? I assume he's not got a crystal ball, besides, no one can predict when something could potentially happen where they're needed urgently.

And how will he receive a text if his phone is off or on silent?
Would you be happy with a partner of yours staying out overnight? Even if occasionally?

If you would then you don't set a very high bar for relationships.

Ignoring the suspected drug use there is absolutely nothing wrong with a night out every few months at 40. I think you just need to accept that you are different and that he still wants to socialise.
Next time why don't you suggest he stays at a friends and then you're not waiting up if he doesn't come home until the early hours?
I wouldn't like my partner tracking my location on a night out

It's all well and good having a break from responsibilities, and I believe that people should go out separately with friends if they want to. However, there's a difference between going out for a night out, having a few then coming home, to doing an overnighter.. The latter is not on.

If you think it's ok for a partner to stay out overnight, especially when they can't be contacted if needed, then you've also got low expectations in a relationship imo.

Do you never have nights out together? Drugs are a huge no no in my opinion, but the rest is completely normal for most couples I know. 4am perhaps a bit late to choose to still to be out, but otherwise this all seems pretty normal to me and all the couples I know.

The drugs aren't something I'd be willing to tolerate but I'm very anti drugs.

The big night out every few moths though is pretty normal in my circles.
I was out at a 40th last night and went back to a friend's house. I got in at 3am.

Hope you got some sleep.
Is he taking coke the next day to wake up and feel normal? Does he buy his own coke from dealers? Does he keep coke in the house?
That's the issue.

He's 40. Not 25.
As the person gets older you are looking at increased risk of heart attack plus risk if he's interacting with dealers. Does he buy the coke or do the friends buy it?
All fine if you are single. If you are a father and providing for a family then you need to look carefully at the risky behavior with your health and their safety.

I find it utterly disgusting and disrespectful.
that he has 3/4 nights out per year and is always up and involved with kids next day?
You are being ridiculous and very uptight.
No wonder marriages fail when people carry on like this; he's not forgetting about you, he's allowed to relax and enjoy himself, some men do this every week and here you are with what sounds like a good guy moaning about a few nights out a year.
Don't be the controlling wife.

Tell him not to come home on those nights and turn them into ‘you’ evenings. Then say you want the same every couple of months - he must be spending a fortune - so you have the same budget for a night away or treat.

I wouldn't be with someone who used drugs, especially coke, in my twenties let alone later in life. Grim.

Do think you're being self-involved here OP.
He's not doing anything wrong...it just so happens that you don't like it.
Many adults in their middle age still go out on a late one now and then.

Been there done that and there'll come a point where the good times don't outweigh the bad. I'm surprised so many people would put up with drug fuelled benders though, maybe it's easier to say it's okay when you are not the one experiencing it.