Husband and his nights out

[INeed2Talk]

We have been together 15 years married for 9, have 2 children.
we have a great marriage, we’ve had our ups and downs, good times and bad times but we are good.

he works hard, supports myself and our family physically, emotionally and financially. He is a hands on dad and does anything for me and the kids.

he is a great husband- supportive, kind, loving.
however….. there is one thing that I really really cannot bear.

once in a while, approx once every couple of months, he goes out drinking and it always turns into a heavy session. Going back to a friends house after the pub for more drinking and I suspect drugs are in the mix, falling asleep on someone’s sofa, not coming home until early hours of the morning, not answering my calls or messages. It literally drives me mental! It’s like he has a total personality change, forgets about me, forgets he has responsibilities.
we have a family location app which is always leaves on so I can see where he is- but that’s not the point is it !?

I find it utterly disgusting and disrespectful.
now I know he works hard and life, work can be stressful and he deserves to let off steam every now and again. But when it causes me such upset distress and anxiety is it something I can continue to put up with? I’m not sure.

a friend once said to me, as long as the good outweighs the bad then that’s all that matters.

and it does, the good really does outweigh the bad. This is the only bad thing in our marriage and the only thing that causes arguments.
it doesn’t happen every weekend but still…….
the day after one of his nights out he still participates in family life, plays with the kids, cooks dinner etc. but I just don’t know if I want to be with a man who at nearly 40 years old has nights out like this.
im writing this now at nearly 4am, he went to a 40th last night and is still not home
I can see on our family location app he is round the corner at our friends house (a married couple who we are both friends with) but it still makes me really angry and upset
he knows this but continues to do it.

i love him so much but I hate this!!!

im interested to know what you guys would do in my situation ?

thank you

Why are you calling & messaging him on a night out?

Unless it's an emergency why do you do this? I'd be very annoyed.

Every weekend I'd say there was a problem.
Not being a good parent I'd say there was a problem.

Six times a year having a blow out - no problem.

Don't you like to go out & let your hair down with friends now and again op? Forget about your responsibilities & just have a fun night? It's having evenings like that that got me through parenting 😂

He should keep you updated. A quick text to say 'we've finished at the pub and I've gone round to Pete's house, see you tomorrow morning and don't wait up xx'

I see there are a lot of people on this thread who consider the occasional binge drinking and possible occasional drug use as big problems though. I would not see it that way but each to their own.

And if he's got a stuffy nose and he's blowing it the next day, that could well be a sign of sniffing drugs. It might not be, but it might be. You should definitely raise that with him, it's not right that you're worried about it, and you don't know for sure - you absolutely should know what drugs he's taking when he's out. Do you think you could just ask him about that?

He should keep you updated. A quick text to say 'we've finished at the pub and I've gone round to Pete's house, see you tomorrow morning and don't wait up xx'

Why on earth does he need to do that?

Would you be okay with a bloke telling his wife she had to "keep him updated" on a night out? 😬

@Chocolatestrawberry123 so once you're married, you can't stay out with your mates all night anymore, you have to be home by a certain time?

He's a binge drinker ... as you say the good outweighs the bad. I wouldn't leave him over it but I'd be pushing to get him to return home when he's done. No reason for him not to come home and sleep it off in his own bed. If he's only round the corner he can get a cab and get back home so you have him in the house. I wonder how he would feel if you do did this every few months?

Why on earth does he need to do that? Would you be okay with a bloke telling his wife she had to "keep him updated" on a night out?

Well I'm talking about if plans change. I didn't mean I want a running commentary!

So if he's told you in advance what he's up to, and you know you won't see him until the morning, that's fine.

Some context in case it's helpful - about six times a year my husband goes out for a Chinese meal, with lots of beer, wine, whisky, hash chocolate and THC vaping. He comes home in a right state at about 4am. I think on balance I'd prefer it if he didn't get so mashed but I don't mind. Last time he did it, one of his mates brought some harder drugs along (mephedrone). He told me, no secrets between us (afaik!). My husband is brilliant overall but from time to time, rarely, he gets really wasted.

OP - what I wish someone had said to me when I fell into a co-dependent hole: please take a step back and look after yourself.

You're letting your anxiety take over, worrying if he's ok. Sorry but you can't control what happens to him any more than if he's hit by a bus tomorrow. He's consistently shown you that on a night out he will not set expectations nor be contactable despite your requests, and have alcohol/drugs more than you're comfortable with. It's time to realistically accept that this won't improve. It's up to you to decide what to do with that in your life.

How much is he spending on nights out? Do you spend any money and time just on yourself to recharge? Do you have any friends/interests/hobbies outside of the family life that you could spend time on just for yourself? Other people have suggested you take a night off and not be in contact. I agree in part. Take time off not as a tit-for-tat, but use the time to think only of yourself and do what recharges you. I hope this give you more strength to plan for future decisions.

I used to be with someone who had similar habit although it was before family location apps. I have to say it had an effect similar to emotional abuse. I stayed all night worried, feeling physically sick, not being myself next day at work. I also found it very hurtful he didn't have enough respect for me to even text and had no care for my wellbeing because getting drunk and having fun was more important.

I'm not against going out. I actually regularly enjoy a night out with my friends. However I'm always communicating where I am and what time I'll be back. I would feel very guilty if I ever fallen asleep drunk on the sofa and caused my husband unnecessary anxiety, and I would do everything in my power to prevent it from happening again.
I just don't understand people who don't care if their actions are causing pain to their loved ones.

@VoodooQualities but she does know what he's upto because the same thing happens every time he goes out

Ok, maybe I read her post differently to the way you read it. For me personally, I feel very reassured when my husband's out and really wasted, if he texts me to tell me he'll be a few more hours, or he's heading for the train now or someone's produced a bag of drugs so he'll be later than expected or whatever.

I don't tell him he has to do it, it's just something he does, and I like that he does it!

I just think that a grown adult should be allowed to go out with their mates without checking in and giving their partner an update everytime their plans change - it just reminds me of what I had to do as a sixteen year old living with mum and dad.

OP knows he's with his mates and that he'll be home in the morning. She also knows that he'll be absolutely fine to parent, cook and contribute the next morning. He shouldn't need to check in and tbh, she shouldn't be contacting him either (emergency aside, though he'll not be much use if he's drunk).

Everytime I read threads on here where a woman is out with her friends and her husband keeps checking in on her, the responses overwhelmingly say to ignore him and put your phone on silent, and that he's not your guardian or your warden 🤷‍♀️

I just find this constant checking in and constant need for contact on nights out really off-putting and when I'm out with a friend who's regularly messaging their partner, it makes me think their relationship is either hugely co-dependent or that one of them is a bit controlling 🙈

I'm not against going out. I actually regularly enjoy a night out with my friends. However I'm always communicating where I am and what time I'll be back.

I have to say if someone expected me to communicate like that while I was out, I would find it extremely controlling and unhealthy.

IMO a grown adult should be allowed to go out and socialise outside of their relationship without giving constant updates or staying in regular contact. The only time I'd message DH on a night out would be if I'd told him a set time and I was going to be late, or to tell him if there was a problem eg. the car breaking down. Otherwise it wouldn't even cross my mind to message him while I'm with my friends.

OP's already said he has his location app turned on so she knows exactly where he is.

Sounds like it boils down to op not liking how he socialises, because it's not how she thinks he should do it.

Please don't twist my words. I don't stay constantly in touch with my husband when I'm out. I let him know what time roughly I will be back because there is a huge difference between quick coffee and overnight stay and it will affect his own plans etc. Then if my plans change noticeably then I will send one message.

We don't find it controlling and it doesn't bother us or makes us feel like children. It works for us and we see it as mutual courtesy. We also care about each other feelings and don't mind doing little things which makes us calmer and our lives easier. It really doesn't take that much to send a quick message.
I don't really care how other people navigate it because they are not me and I need to do what feels right for me and my family.

I agree with Bibi, and I'm not fiddling on my phone at the table, texting my partner all night. I'm talking about sending him one text to tell him I'm going to my friends house so he doesn't worry I've been beaten up or worse. Jesus.

I may be being stupid- but I honestly can't see what he's doing wrong!

I didn't twist your words, your post said you were "always communicating" where you are and when you'll be back, which (to me) read like you were constantly messaging him.

If that's not what you meant, apologies, but that's how it came across.

I don't update my husband as to my where and whenabouts on a night out. Wouldn't think to unless I had to because something had gone awry.

"I just think that a grown adult should be allowed to go out with their mates without checking in and giving their partner an update everytime their plans change - it just reminds me of what I had to do as a sixteen year old living with mum and dad."

Rightly or wrongly I agree.
Obviously different people operate in different ways.

It's taking the piss because he's not considering his wife or making himself contactable. I can't believe people like yourself can't grasp that.
I'm not going to have a debate with you if you fire back, you've got your opinion and I've got mine.

Ah sorry I can see how my writing could be confusing. I meant I let him know about my plans and let him know if they drastically change every time. It's a quick message, not communicating constantly when I'm out.

@sunflowersngunpowdr "I wouldn't leave him over it but I'd be pushing to get him to return home when he's done. No reason for him not to come home and sleep it off in his own bed."

Really? Personally, I'd rather have the bed to myself and him come home in the morning having slept it off somewhere else!

Before I say what I'm going too, I would have a problem with him doing drugs no matter how rarely he did and I think you need to have an open conversation about this side of things so you definitely know.

How was your upbringing OP? I ask because I was brought up in a DV household, one where my father would spend whole nights out cheating on my mother and as a child I was aware of this as my mother also treated me like her friend and confidant.

Now that I am older and in a healthy relationship I have always struggled when he goes out. I used to feel so insecure and a lot of pent up rage when he went out - like him going out meant that he didn't care about me and was going to get up to all sorts, he also very rarely went out when I felt this way. It almost broke us, I had counselling and did a bit of CBT. Now he goes out more than ever - new job and lots of new friends. I still sometimes have to use the CBT skills I learnt as the old feelings come back occasionally.

Not saying this is the same for you but when I unpicked the reasons why I felt this way it gave us both some clarity and understanding.

I think you need to change your expectations op, if he's gone out then you don't expect or need to hear from him, he's fine. There's no need for all this checking in, he's not on parole. I don't think this is an issue I'd have, but maybe you should look at why you're so anxious - maybe some counselling would help
.

If this was 3 times a week then yes, I'd absolutely have a problem with it, but once every few months really isn't that big a deal. If the sexes in this post were reversed you'd be accused of being controlling. Do you argue with him to stop him going out? Are you waiting up to start another argument with him? I think this is an anxiety issue - would you generally describe yourself as quite and anxious person?