Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

It's been two years since we separated and for the last eight years of the marriage there was no sex, very little affection. I feel like I've had a decade of going without many things that bring me joy and contentment.

I waited over a year before I started dating, focussing on my friendships, my kids, establishing a new home. Then I dated casually for a few months and had a lot of fun. Then I met DP and realised I wanted more than fun. I wish I didn't want more. It was much easier to just date casually, but I want that connection. That intimate one to one relationship. I don't need someone else to complete me but I'm happiest with a special person by my side.

@Tex111 I apologise then, because it sounded a bit more like you did go back to your friends a bit when he started to wobble.

I do get it, I think lots of people would like that. Perhaps he's just not the right person right now. It doesn't mean you won't find someone in the future. My mum met someone in her early sixties who is just perfect for her.

I totally get what you say but I don't think this is the right man to fulfil what you are looking for however much you want him to be.
He might be fine for something casual but it sounds like you don't want that. I think if you pursue it and get further in you are setting yourself up for heart break.

As has been said by lots of others, someone who is over a partner doesn't "create art" about their relationship and certainly doesn't involve the ex partner in it. And ignore their current partner's feelings about it.

In the 3 years since his marriage ended he's dated you for 6 months and his ex for 2 years. That leaves no time at all to process the end of a long relationship, both you and his ex are an avoidance of him needing to process and grow. You do that by taking time for yourself, but it looks like he has a fear of being on his own.
You are in the situation that a lot of people with negative past experiences poder about. Everyone wonders if past experience makes them more sensitive to similar triggers. What usually happens is the reverse is true, and an assumption that they are just being sensitive, results in inaction and ignoring red flags.
There are lots of warning signs with him, the main one being that he lied about just meeting her for closure, when he probably knew he'd be hoping to incorporate her into his media project. That was him drip feeding you and pushing the boundaries 1 by 1. Rather than telling you from the off that his aim was to work with her, he knew most people would have a problem with that, so he's lead you down a path of progression. It still ends up in a place nobody would want to be in, which is him seeing his ex, a person he loved lots and felt deep loss for according to his own description in his project. That's really not on.
There is something about the first relationship after a long one has ended, that adds intensity, this is what you are experiencing with him now, and what he experienced with her. One day when you look back at the relationship, you'll wonder at how intense and deep it felt at the time, it's all part of the distraction from the awkward ongoing crap you have to deal with until divorce and separation is finalised. It's an escape from it.
You are already talking of how much you love each other after just 6 months of an LDR. It seemed to roll of his tong easily that he loves you, as reassurance, so I am wondering how far into your relationship you were when he first told you that he loved you? I suspect it was quite early on, maybe 2 or 3 months in? Thats lovebombing. Men who do this are confusing early excitement and butterflies of meeting up with someone new, with love, which it is not. Love is wrapped up in having deep respect for another, wanting them in your life because they enhance it, rather than becoming your life. It's when the initial infatuation has dies down, and you see each other as you are, day to day, and still like each other even when you are not presenting your best self, as that stage has worn off. It's not a thrill in the moment, more of a comfort that you can see continuing long term. It's not having doubts, it's knowing you are on the same page and could build a life together.
You are half dealing with it, you've let him know you are not happy about it, which is fair, most people would not be. You've stopped short of an ultimatum, that's OK as it make it his choice to decide if he is going to carry on meeting her despite knowing how you feel. I think if he decides he is going to continue to collaborate with her, you should opt out of the relationship. Personally I would be gone as soon as he came clean with the reason for meeting her. That's too much of a bitter pill to swallow., but you can vote with your feet still down the line when you feel the misery of him carrying on.

@Opentooffers thank you so much for your thoughtful response. You make a lot of points that I know are true already. Your point about the first relationship being intense is something I've never heard before, but it makes a lot of sense. A friend and I were talking about deferred grief last night, and it feels like this falls into a similar category.

I've asked my counselor for a second session this week. I've never done that before but it feels like it would useful now.

Look, whichever way you slice it, this man will never meet your needs. You can pretzel yourself whichever way you can, but he'll keep on dangling you. Don't be his puppet on a string!

I know you'll find this hard to accept, but it is in your own best interest to cut him loose and focus on your needs.

Please do read Dr Norwood's book. You will not regret it.

https://www.worldofbooks.com/products/women-who-love-too-much-book-robin-norwood-9780099482307

Edited to add: It is good that you have a counsellor. It might be a good idea to not make any major decisions without a session.

What a lot of work you're putting into this.
I think it's a dead loss.
He doesn't give a shit.
And he's 60!
Deary me.

Please do yourself a favour and bin him.

I feel like the work I'm doing isn't all about the relationship, it's about me learning to stand up for myself, have boundaries and work out what I want. It's all work I need to do. I've ordered the book.

You sound miserable.

Life is too short for this horseshit from men. And he's 60. He should be embarrassed.

Another excellent book which turned everything around for me was:
"Mr unavailable and the fallback girl" by Natalie Lue.

An incredible book which examines the dynamic you describe here in this thread.

It was like a lightbulb went off in my head when I read this book

I 2nd this recommendation.
Oh, how I laugh when I look back and remember the reason I got the book.....to help me understand my emotionally unavailable boyfriend🤦‍♀️

I learnt so much from that book and it was from reading that book that I went to counselling to fix me.

Thank you. I've ordered that book too. It sounds very relevant to this situation.

I spoke to DP last night. I said I was exhausted by the subject of his ex so we talked about other things, agreeing to deal with the bigger issue this weekend when he comes to London. To be completely honest, if we're going to split I want to sleep with him one more time. He's coming down on Saturday morning. My plan is to have a nice Saturday together, shag like rabbits Saturday night, then have the talk on Sunday and possibly end the relationship.

I'm feeling much calmer and brighter today. I can't remember if I said, but I had a total hysterectomy just over a month ago. Although I'm on an established HRT plan, I think I experienced a hormonal dip that made this all much more difficult to deal with. I'm also seeing my counselor again tomorrow.

Again, thank you so much to everyone who's posted. I hugely appreciate it.

Sounds messy to me. Be careful with your feelings particularly if your hormones are all over the place. Are you sure you’re ok to have sex if you had a total hysterectomy just a month ago?

I agree, that’s way too soon. I would concentrate right now if I were the OP on healing mentally and physically before getting entangled in a messy relationship.

What OP you are recovering from a hysterectomy? I wouldn't want to shag like a hamster never mind a rabbit in that setting! 😮It's all too much like hard work with this man by the sound of it. I just read the thread from the beginning. He reminds me of the pair in the sitcom Vicious. Exhausting and flouncy.

I've had an amazing physical recovery since the op, which was keyhole. Started having sex again last weekend and it was great.

Was feeling soppy so I looked at the first messages DP and I exchanged on a dating app. Then noticed that he'd recently updated his profile. Must've been in the last few weeks because I looked at the messages a few weeks ago and his profile was the same then. When we met, he had his location set to London. He's now set it to Manchester.

I told him not to come this weekend. That is undeniable proof to me that he can't be trusted.

Oooof he's just the gift that keeps on giving isn't he ?

OP I read that update I’ve never done OLD so it took a while to sink in. And then it clicked.
That is truly, truly awful. Talking about the future and you are only the fourth person he’s ever loved?
What shit.
However, you have come a long way, keep doing your thing, and learn from this one.
And by the way you sound like a fabulous person. He was lucky to even know you!

You're planning to shag like a rabbit one month after a full hysterectomy. That doesn't sound wise.

I feel like such a fool.

Was feeling soppy so I looked at the first messages DP and I exchanged on a dating app. Then noticed that he'd recently updated his profile. Must've been in the last few weeks because I looked at the messages a few weeks ago and his profile was the same then. When we met, he had his location set to London. He's now set it to Manchester

😳😳😳Blimey- he's updated his dating profile?

That means he's still on there, looking ffs.

OP - please dump this turd, he's a literal piece of shit. I hate to say this but he probably went on there when you were recovering from your operation and he wasnt getting any sex so he was probably sniffing around other women, I am so sorry.

Oh I’m so sorry, that’s so so bad, he’s clearly out and was just coming as he thought sex was on the agenda but knowing it’s over and looking for someone else. I guess to an extent you were doing the same. And you also looked through the dating apps, said you wanted sex and planned to finish it.

thr pair of you are best cutting all contact now. As it’s reached a disrespectful level. If a man posted they were going to see their girlfriend, shag her and end it, he’d get his arse handed to him, and you were both doing the same thing it seems. When it gets to this level of dishonesty and disrespect. Then cutting it off immediately is the only way forward.

Yes, @Relaxedandchilled I was thinking the same thing. I guess I felt justified in sleeping with him one more time as I assumed he wouldn't mind. But it's not a nice way to behave.

OP - the realisation must have hit you hard but don’t blame yourself for falling for this s….show. Men like him: the charming, charismatic, creative, smart master manipulators - can be very convincing in romantic relationships. Count your lucky stars that it’s only been 6 months, not longer, and that he hasn’t wasted too much of your time.

Oh OP sorry to hear that - he never fails to disappoint. Please cut him off now and don’t be talked back into giving him another chance. I don’t think you have done anything wrong here - you made it clear where you boundaries were and that you couldn’t carry on with them being disrespected. He wanted to see you to try and wear you down, professing love etc whilst setting himself up on a dating site again behind your back. What a turd. He’s not going to change for the better.