Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

Gosh, he really is a turd. Unbelievable. It’s mind boggling the shite some of these men come out with…..no shame

Yes, he changed his location. But only to remind himself of the realities of dating if he loses me.

WHAAAAAAT

he actually typed these words out or said them? OP do you need us to send an ambulance because surely you must be dying of convulsive laughter by now

Yeah he’s cheating issues. Wow. Please tell me you’ve not fallen for it.

OP, please knock this over in the head. That is the saddest and least compelling half arsed excuse. He looks at women and maintains an active profile for the benefit of your relationship. And I'm a Dutchman (I'm not).

Some people will say anything to make you stay in the game.

Im sorry OP. It looks like he’s tricked you into believing he’s something he’s not.

Hes been very manipulative and crafty, saying all the right things but actions speak louder than words.

I hope you feel better soon now you’ve seen him in his true colours and realised he’s not going to give you what you want.

Im sorry you had to go through this. As a learning process I would ask, were there any red flags that could have warned you earlier? It’s not always possible as some as so good at putting on an act.

But if possible try to analyse and tune in, listen and feel your instinct. If there’s one thing that failed relationships are good for, it’s training us for the next so we see red flags earlier on and don’t get hurt so much, and ultimately find a good person to spend time with.

I can't argue with that

I fear this is one of those threads where the OP will read 400 replies telling her she's being mugged off and still put herself through mental gymnastics to stay with him

Yeah sadly I thought that, that she’s a bit desperate to be with him, so even knowing he’s cheating and meeting other women and trying to get with his ex, she’s going to pretend to beleive him and see him again. And she’s going to get so so hurt. I hope im wrong, but I think he said what she wanted to hear, no matter how utterly ridiculous it was.

he can see who is on dating apps without changing his location, so he’s obviously chatting and meeting other women. And trying to get back with his ex, and binning her off even though he was in her neck of the woods, to do so.

Problem with this type is the dangerous combo of total seductive charm and gaslighting behaviour. Very hard to get rid because they’re so charming (and they know!). Who gets into a toxic relationship with an ugly and boring man? Answer: No one. It’s a bit like alcohol: it makes you feel good and gives you that instant buzz but it has devastating consequences long term.

I think the OP is very focused on his words, rather than his actions sadly.

You are worth so much more than this. He is litterally telling you he's still looking and you just shrug your shoulders and accept it.

He isn't interested in you, if he was he wouldn't be looking. You can do so much better.

I've ended it. I know it's the right thing to do for me. I've gone around my place and boxed up everything that reminds me of him. I'm disappointed and hurting, but I can see that staying would be more pain in the long run.

@Tex111 I have read the entire thread and feel for you… You sound like a kindred spirit and the friend I wish I had closer to home. (We have a lot in common including supportive therapists and Nick Cave)… I just know that this man will never deserve you. Let him to shrivel up and wilt.

After going through a painful divorce, I am sorry you are having to go through this again. The boxing stuff up maybe triggering but I hope it’s more beneficial for closure. It’s a very sad time and I can imagine the pain is depp right now.

Well done. I stand corrected. But absolutely we can all see it a mile off. Staying in you were going to fall more and more in love, and he’s cheating and he’s six months in. That’s not a man who loves you. That’s a man playing the game for sex whilst looking for something better. Your self esteem would be in the toilet if you stayed with him, no one deserves to be miss second best.

@Thatsamoray thank you. That's such a lovely thing to say.

The second session with my therapist really helped. We talked about the things I enjoyed in the relationship and I realised that a lot of it had nothing to do with DP. I started a creative career a few years ago and he's the first creative person I've ever dated. I really enjoyed the intellectual stimulation, the type of events we'd go to, the people he knew. It was very validating for my own work. That's something I can and need to create for myself.

Onwards and upwards OP. He was just a stepping stone to a better life.

I'm so sorry this hasn't worked out OP, you do sound really lovely. Unfortunately I think it's clear even to strangers that he's not acting in good faith and the problem there is that fellas like that will give you just enough plausibility to hold onto, even if it's really thin. I think you'll be grateful to yourself sooner than you expect xx

Sometimes people come into your life for a reason and although this man turned out to be a flaky fake, he’s awakened something in you and opened some doors which will be a real positive in your life.

As a fellow 'creative person' I can totally relate.

However, I found that there is a huge community of women who are into similar creative endeavours out there. So rewarding, and without the emotional exhaustion that often comes with men's huge egos!

Find your tribe - it's out there, somewhere!

Two weeks later, jumping to numerous conclusions and not even having spoken to guy face to face, you've ended it? This is a bad soap opera plot.

I wish you all the love and happiness in the world, obviously. But, this whole episode has been strange reading.

What a strange comment.

OP so sorry you’ve been messed about so much. Your therapist is the keeper in all of this - you are certainly learning and discovering so much about yourself.
Keep doing these things you enjoy so much.
You already have a lovely circle around you, and keep building your creative tribe,

So so glad for you OP! it seemed like you were wavering there for a bit so good for you for making the best decision for YOU.

I know it hurts now but the hurt will fade and it's nothing like how it would have been had you stayed - this relationship wouldnt have been a happy one.

You will be amazing by your self.

How did he take it?