Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

Sorry to see the update. He is not worthy of you that’s for sure. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

Well it sounds like since you issued the ultimatum he’s realised you’re not the compliant passive sort he likes to twist round his little finger and gaslight and he’s updated his profile ready to hook in the next poor unsuspecting vulnerable soul.

Brace yourself OP to see if he gets in touch and asks you to read out your text messages. For his art.

What a bell end. What a navel gazing jumped up plonker.

I can’t believe people can reach 60s and still be behaving in this egotistical manner. He’s due a whole load of karma this one. He’s coming back to Earth for quite some time is all I can say. Got a lot still left to learn! But you don’t need to be his teacher OP. Leave this one be.

And I’m sorry he’s been so disappointing. But there are better options out there, I’m sure of it.

Got to be pragmatic as we age and be strong and say fuck you, I’m off to live my best life and get on with it. No time to lose OP, no time to lose! I think you’ll get over him pretty fast.

How are you doing @Tex111 ?

I'm OK. I did get a long text from DP saying yes, he went on the app. Yes, he changed his location. But only to remind himself of the realities of dating if he loses me. He acknowledges that he has issues and says he's working on them. Asked me to be patient, says he loves me.

I'm trying to stay focused on myself and what I want. Been reading Women Who Love Too Much and it resonates. Seeing my therapist this morning and sticking to my boundaries.

Yes, he changed his location. But only to remind himself of the realities of dating if he loses me.

Of all the bullshit crap he's fed you: this is the worst. It's both demeaning in the sense that it implies that even if he thinks he can do better than you, the reality is he can't, and a very pitiful blatant lie.

DO. NOT. GET. BACK. WITH. HIM.

I mean kindly, I hope it's the end of this relationship that you thought you had, he obviously didn't want to get into anything serious, and with you being ok with still having your profiles on the app and not discussing deleting them, he thought he'd have his cake and eat it and he's still trying to sweeten you, telling you he loves you but his actions are not.

It was obvious he would come up with a BS excuse and this one is laughable.

Please stick to your guns OP and don’t connect this man again.

He puts on this pretentious act to feel superior but he’s nothing more than an overgrown fuckboy still acting like he’s 21.

Honestly he sounds tedious and self obsessed.

Honestly OP it’s your choice, you’ve just come on here for opinions but reading that absolute load of rubbish he’s spouting.
Needs to see his ex for closure, when it’s not closure.
Says you have the rest of your lives together but he’s changed his profile in case he loses you.
You are catching him out over and over again and no amount of discussion will take away from what his actions are showing. Which is that he thinks of himself only, and that he has absolutely no respect for you.

It's a case of your heart catching up with your head OP, so painful. x

Pwahahaha - I've never heard such codswallop

I don’t know- is it any different from what you did? You just didn’t have to change your location to scroll through potential matches.

But only to remind himself of the realities of dating if he loses me. He acknowledges that he has issues and says he's working on them. Asked me to be patient, says he loves me

Have you noticed that every time he does something vile and disrespectful that causes you pain he reframes it as a "benefit" to you? Thats manipulation. Pure and simple.

Meeting with the ex- benefit to you so he can have closure

Working with the ex- benefit to you because he can work through his issues with her

Doing shitty things - be patient with me- benefit to you so you can "have me" when I've sorted myself out (of course no indication how long you'll have to be "patient" - could be a month, could be 10 years)

What next?- I think I should sleep with other women because I want to reinforce to myself that the sex is better with you! I want to do this because I love you! It's good I sleep with others because it will show me that I prefer you, it's all for your benefit! Funny how all these things supposedly for your "benefit" are making you feel like utter shit isnt it?

Says he’s afraid of “loosing you” so in order to ‘speed up that process’ and make sure it happens he updates his profile and location. You got to love proactive men.
OP I would reply to him using his same gaslighting technique, something in the lines of: “ Joe I love you so much that I’m going to start dating other men, not because I fancy a shag but to give you that much needed space for your creative process. I might include your voice in my next art performance so you can read out loud in public the wassap messages of those guys I was shagging. Much love, Betty”

Oh come on OP- wise up. He "loves you" and yet the only way he can stay with you is by reminding himself that online dating is shit?

Really? so, if my DH and I have an argument or squabble we should both immediately set up a dating profile each and have a scroll on Tinder to remind us to be grateful for what we have? Yeah- really healthy idea and not at all a blatant fcking lie.

Pull the other one, its got bells on it.

Though to be fair one glance at the slim pickings on offer and your DH would suddenly look more appealing than Brad Pitt in his prime 🤣

😂😂 quite possibly true but I'd still be furious if he did this

@Codlingmoths Yes, I've said the same thing to myself. Maybe not. But, I haven't been reconnecting with an ex or suggesting that he reads his love letters to me as part of a permanent short film project. I think paired with DP's other behaviours, there is a difference.

Good God, this man is so pathetic! The more you type about him, the worse he gets! He's a massive Billy Bullshitter - went on online dating to remind him how bad it is my arse. 😂

I am a firm believer and live my dating life by the motto 'look at what he does, not what he says'. Words are cheap. Actions are what tells you how someone feels about you. His actions appear to be- spend more time with his ex and go back on dating sites! OP, it hurts, he's a bit of a shit and obviously charismatic and silver-tongued, but still a shit. I would not even dignify that hilarious excuse with a reply myself. Just stop speaking to him.

What next?- I think I should sleep with other women because I want to reinforce to myself that the sex is better with you! I want to do this because I love you! It's good I sleep with others because it will show me that I prefer you, it's all for your benefit! Funny how all these things supposedly for your "benefit" are making you feel like utter shit isnt it?

Nothing would surprise me from this man

Ah OP I'm sorry. I know how good it is to have a really strong connection with a person after a long time. It sounds like that side of things was dormant within you.

The good news - you're back!

Feck this loser off. It's only been 6 months. No way should there be angst and distress now especially over what his feelings may or may not be for his ex. Who the hell cares?

What about YOUR feelings? Is this situation actually making you happy? Or is it addictive highs and lows? If the relationship was good you would not be needing emergency therapy sessions. It's not good. It's intoxicating at times I guess but that's not good.

I know it's hard but put him out of your head for a few moments and think about what a great relationship would look like to you. It's not this, it's parts of this but not this.

You deserve better OP. Be your own best friend and walk away. Someone amazing is waiting for you and you won't meet him while you're focusing on this tosser.

Walter Mitty is alive and well and living in Manchester.

Hi OP, been following this thread and just wanted to add my support and say how impressively collected, reflective and measured you seem.

I had a kind of similar situation, a long relationship ended and the first "situation" that came along, I was very, very attached to despite him not treating me well at all.

I think it is too soon to give the next stage of advice, as you are still getting to grips with everything, it took me a few goes to actually decisively end my thing, and most of my fear was about giving up the decent sex, companionship and excitement etc. I completely understand the wrench that this can feel like, when you've just come out of a long relationship and are excited by the new lease of life.

However, some things that people told me at the time, which in hindsight were 100% true:

"For God's sake, lots of guys are funny and good in bed, it's not like he's the only one in London" - exasperated friend
"The only way to get over someone is to meet someone better"

When I finally had enough of his bullshit, I met my current partner who is better in every way. I don't even think about the old guy except to think WTF was I thinking.

Anyway, good luck and stay strong <3

Some people are harmless enough or nice enough so long as they aren’t put in a position of power that they aren’t qualified for eg. don’t make a selfish, self indulgent man into someone you're depending on. This guy is playing a lot of games and actually isn’t that nice but if he’d have been an acquaintance he probably wouldn’t have stolen your wallet or been rude or unpleasant, so he is “nice” in that sense. He might even be fun and entertaining, the problem is that he's utterly unqualified to have the keys to your heart. I think you're getting confused by the superficial “nice” things about him instead of seeing him as someone who has revealed himself to be a liability rather than a good investment. He can’t make the grade in the partner department so it’s fitting that you pivot and move on, it’s no reflection on you he’s just not up to the job.