New partner doesn’t know if he can accept my children

[Flossyrocks]

I think I already know the answers I’ll get to this but I love my partner so much (let’s call him bob) and am feeling desperate. We dated briefly a long time ago but went separate ways after a couple of months and I met my ex about a year after. We had 2 kids together and separated 2 years ago. Last year me and bob rekindled and I have never felt a connection like it and he feels the same (supposedly). At first he was absolutely not phased by the kids and it wasn’t a problem at all he was ready to take us all on. Fast forward a year and now he doesn’t think he can handle the responsibility. He brought it up a couple of months ago that he’s not comfortable but he wants me in his life so we’ve tried to muddle along but it hasn’t improved. He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now. I want it to work so badly but am I mental to wait it out and hope he changes it mind or do I just call it a day.

Flossyrocks · Yesterday 20:36
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I will definitely always put them first. And it’s not that he doesn’t like them, when he’s around them he’s kind and funny and he makes an effort. We don’t live together and he knows they’re not going anywhere. But yes it doesn’t change the fact that he’s uncomfortable with the situation

Tough shit. I’m gobsmacked that you’re even questioning this. He can’t cope with your children, he’s out.

I think everyone piled on because they interpreted your question as you wanting to find a way of making it work with him. You are 100% right to cut your losses and no doubt there is someone out there for you OP who would find it a privilege to have your children in his life.

You ended it when you were both in a position to create a life together. You didn't feel a spark. It seems odd that this time around you feel totally different.

Either way, this man isn't a keeper, as you've acknowledged. He won't 'come round'. He's been pretty clear

So what does he suggest you do with your DC? They are not disposable. Your partner sounds awful - selfish and resentful. Don’t subject your kids to living with this man please as I do not think it’s in kids best interests. You almost sound desperate to keep this man and I am sure he senses it. Raise your bar.

I just want to add to my previous post, you seem to have jumped in to a committed relationship fairly quickly after your marriage broke up. So does he. Commitment is good but, as I said earlier, it doesn't have to mean living together, the prospect of which is what I think bothers him.

Why not just keep things as they are for now. Your children are still very young. I am pretty sure I wouldn't have wanted to make a family with somebody else's kids, no matter how much I liked them. However it can take a bit of time to realise that, and that is exactly what he has done. It doesn't mean he doesn't love or care for you, or that he is selfish. It would be awful if he moved in and it didn't work.

Good luck whatever happens. It's excellent that you are putting the kids first.

Say he 'comes round'.

Even though he 'feels resentful.'

Does you the immense courtesy of deciding he can now cope with the idea that while you were single you had a relationship that resulted in children.

You say he wants children. If you do have a child with him, can you guarantee he'll treat his child and yours the same?

Remember - he resents yours.

His comes along = yours will be sidelined.

When women ask questions about their relationships on Mumsnet, the answers often don't please. Because we don't pander to delusions. Because all to often we've experienced/observed the nightmare.

Listen to the answers and drop the defensiveness.

I suppose sometimes men do become reconciled to their partner's children from a previous relationship. The thing though is that Bob has become more resistant to your children as the relationship has progressed. My husband had a stepmother and stepfather and he was one of three. His stepparents always accepted him and his brothers right from the start. He got on well with both his stepparents particularly his stepfather. Bob also wants his own children - I think his own children would make him even less kindly disposed towards your children. I mean this own child business - are you expected to get pregnant, live with your existing children and he just pops round to see the child when it suits him? Do you even want more children?

I get that you think you are in a love with him. There was no spark all those years ago though was there? Sometimes people become a bit obsessed about some not very special man. He resents your children and he resents you for breaking up with all those years ago. He sounds a very resentful man. I don't think Bob is a keeper and I think you know that in your heart.

You were hoping to "to hear some experiences which have ended well" because then you would have 'permission' to keep Bob and cross your fingers about your children.

Best not.

@Flossyrocks this relationship won't work op. There's too much resentment which will lead to contempt.

Funny how kids never phase them at first, all they want is to sleep with you and not take the relationship seriously.
Time to Chuck him back again, if they really love you then it wouldn't be a problem so don't worry another minute about dumping him.

This really

If I was to be looking for another partner I would not want someone with kids either so I wouldn’t start dating someone who did

"When women ask questions about their relationships on Mumsnet, the answers often don't please. Because we don't pander to delusions. Because all to often we've experienced/observed the nightmare.
Listen to the answers and drop the defensiveness."

There are ways of telling someone, firmly, something they maybe don't want to hear in a constructive way, without attacking them. There seem to be too many people on MN who immediately go into "attack dog" mode without any consideration of the fact that there is a human being on the receiving end of their comments. Maybe OP wouldn't have become defensive if she hadn't received some really nasty comments - comments I'm fairly sure these people wouldn't say to her face, but would find a kinder way of putting their point across, as societal norms in real life require. It's sad that the anonymity of an online forum seems to give some people the belief they can write whatever they like without any thought for the OP's feelings and compromised mental health.

Is it really so unusual (or wrong) to be hopeful for a successful relationship with a man you love? To want to hear stories of relationships that have succeeded in spite of adversity? I don't think so, and I think more women than would like to admit it, may also look for this "reassurance" and hope - even when they know they're flogging a dead horse. In any case, OP clearly doesn't intend to do this as she has repeatedly written "I have no intention of putting a man before my children." Maybe some kind words to support her ending the relationship would be more helpful than some of the patronising/sarcastic comments on here.

You know what you need to do OP. End it now, or if you can handle have a casual relationship with him. You will save yourself a lot of heartbreak along the line if you just call it a day now though.

Well said - clearly and kindly put. Thank you. 🤗

@AngelicKaty thank you 🙏

Yes.
In the name of ‘saying it like it is’, posters often forget that they have a person in the other side.
That talking down on people or being aggressive doesn’t work. It only makes people feel bad (and is actually more likely to support them staying rather than leaving)
And that it’s pretty normal to be heartbroken when you see a relationship going into a wall and you love that person.

So many replies to go through but I really appreciate the constructive comments. From someone with not many friends or family at all it’s helpful to have someone wobble your head nicely.

Sorry if my comment was harsh. I know the prospect of going back to being alone as a single parent isn’t a nice one, can be quite lonely. There are men out there happy to embrace a blended family but don’t think it’s this guy sadly. Take care of yourself

I agree very much with what @AngelicKaty said.

This subject is triggering for me having been subjected to absolute dicks who I knew wanted 11 year old me out the way very soon after my parent had just died.

Yet, I think some people just don't realise without the experience of this that kids really do suffer quite often. Instead encouraging them to see reality gently can help. And yes this is reality in so so many situations like this I believe.

To be fair you started your OP by stating that you knew what the answer already was and ended it would “would I be mental to wait or should I call it a day”. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that most of the replies weren’t positive about him.
And now you are saying you want positive feedback from those where it has worked out for. Possibly people didn’t reply positively because they don’t see it as having a positive outcome.

Not read the whole thread but just the first few pages and you should honestly listen to Dr Gad Sad he’s done a lot of studies on Relationships and children and a pretty scary statistic is that one of the biggest indicators for abuse to likely happen is when a step parent comes into a child’s life. At the first whiff of a man having resentment for your children he needs to go.

@thiscantbemylife I think he was on Diary of a CEO recently. I listened to that podcast. He talks about the animal kingdom where a certain proportion of species immediately kill the offspring of the previous male they've overthrown, in a Pride for example.

OP, it's rubbish to accept, but this will never ever work out well for your children and your relationship with them. I don't understand why he's still with you having told you. You can't dispose of them. He doesn't sound right based on what he said regards your first break up with him

I certainly hope you know where your priorities should lie........and it isn't "Bob"

I recently did safeguarding training and this is something that is immediately flagged - the presence of someone new in the life of the primary carer. So many abuse cases feature a new stepparent who resents the presence of their partner's children.

That is not to say it's a given, but it's happened often enough for it to be of note.

Bob has to go OP, unless you plan on keeping him entirely separate from your children's lives. FWIW, someone not being kind to/about my kids would make my fanny clamp shut.