New partner doesn’t know if he can accept my children

[Flossyrocks]

I think I already know the answers I’ll get to this but I love my partner so much (let’s call him bob) and am feeling desperate. We dated briefly a long time ago but went separate ways after a couple of months and I met my ex about a year after. We had 2 kids together and separated 2 years ago. Last year me and bob rekindled and I have never felt a connection like it and he feels the same (supposedly). At first he was absolutely not phased by the kids and it wasn’t a problem at all he was ready to take us all on. Fast forward a year and now he doesn’t think he can handle the responsibility. He brought it up a couple of months ago that he’s not comfortable but he wants me in his life so we’ve tried to muddle along but it hasn’t improved. He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now. I want it to work so badly but am I mental to wait it out and hope he changes it mind or do I just call it a day.

I don't understand what is to come to terms with? You have two children and they are your priority, they deserve better than someone who isn't sure how they feel about them.

Feeling resentful over the fact you chose not to stay with him his beyond childish, if you hadn't of met your ex you wouldn't of had your two children.

OP I can think of multiple people I know with men who are not their childs father. These men have stepped up, accepting and embracing the full package of a woman with kids from a previous relationship. They are all in. Accept the family is a unit and they are all now one. Suport the children financially, emotionally where needed and accept the children also have a father or the fathers family where the father is deceased. I am thinking of at least 8 families I know like this. So dont make excuses for him, he has been honest yes, but now it's time for you to be honest with yourself. Are you that needy that you would risk your childrens happiness for some guy you dated jn your youth that has now popped back up, swept you off your feet knowing you have children. Then suddenly said he doesnt want to be with a woman who already has children. Set him free to go and find that person he can have a first baby with its painful for you both to continue like this. The resentment and doubt will just grow on both sides and you are prolinging the anguish.

He resents your children because you went off and had them with another man, this is never going to change

This 100%. And I can only guess what his attitude would be to your kids if/when you had kids together. Don’t put your kids into a situation where they would feel unwelcome in their own family

It’s like coming to terms with you being 5’4” or size 5 feet. It literally makes no sense at all.

Let him go.

Let him go.

Let him go.

I don’t think people realise how much of a commitment it is to be in a relationship with someone that has kids. You have to accept them and find a way to act as a unit otherwise the relationship won’t work.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what he’s said however he’s gone about it very strangely. The kids exist and will never not exist. If he can’t ‘come to terms’ with the fact that you have kids then he simply needs to end the relationship. Even him ‘coming round’ to the fact is so ridiculous. If he isn’t going to break up with you then you need to end it with him. For your kids sake.

You and your children come as one. You cannot have one without accepting the other

Read this again Op because I guarantee it will happen...

This , exactly . The fact that he wants his own makes it worse not better .

Another vote for reading this again. Spot on.

Bye bye Bob

Oh well. It's a better name than Chad.

🤣🤣

He doesn’t love you though. If he did, he would love you completely as you are, a mother of children already. Not wanting to take your kids on as a package is like rejecting a part of you, like a leg or arm.

Trying to kind back the clock (in his mind) to before you became a mother is a sign that the relationship is ill fated.

So do you want more kids yourself? If you don't and he does, then it's going nowhere.
He won't really be responsible for your kids in the same way that you are, as he's not their parent. He's not really "taking them on" in terms of finances is he? That would be a lot of responsibility especially if he would be supporting you as well, but you come as a package and he knew it. Be proud of your kids! Don't regret them because of a sulky man.
Has someone said something to him? People can be funny about "previous children."

This is one of the most depressing threads I have read on here. How is it even a question? What is the alternative to running a mile from this man?

OP should have posted this on the step parenting board. She’d have got the response she wanted about not letting the children dictate her life and they’d have to suck it up.

I’m a step parent (and parent) and that’s fucking bollocks. Don’t tar step parents with this shower of a shit man’s attitude.

Well, clearly your children are a massive part of your life so if he can't accept them, then the relationship doesn't have a future. It's not working. That's literally all there is to it.

I agree. The question should read ‘should I put a man before my children’. How bloody depressing that a mother would even contemplate this.

Someone nailed it earlier when they told OP to get some self respect and put her children first, yet she’s still here defending the arsehole. I just don’t get it, I really don’t. Poor kids…

Not all step parents are alike thankfully. But that’s the response she’d have got over there.

Well that’s rather depressing 😞

He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now.

If he is resentful now, it’s only going to get worse unfortunately.
It also doesn’t tally with the whole ‘I’ve never felt such a connexion with anyone’ 😢😢

I actually don’t see how I’ve defended him, I’ve just reiterated what he’s said to me and have asked for some opinions. Forgot how judgemental mumsnet is. What I was hoping for in my bad state of mind is to hear some experiences which have ended well. I have no intention of putting a man before my children.

Hi, If you had asked for opinions, and stated that you were ending things in your original post, then you may well have got a far more supportive set of posts. Glad to hear that you are putting your kids first, they are the top priority. Hope that you get some help from your GP for your mental stability, too

New partner doesn't know if he can accept my children -

Answer- wave goodbye to him.