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Original poster

New partner doesn’t know if he can accept my children

267 replies

Flossyrocks · 03/11/2024 20:24

I think I already know the answers I’ll get to this but I love my partner so much (let’s call him bob) and am feeling desperate. We dated briefly a long time ago but went separate ways after a couple of months and I met my ex about a year after. We had 2 kids together and separated 2 years ago. Last year me and bob rekindled and I have never felt a connection like it and he feels the same (supposedly). At first he was absolutely not phased by the kids and it wasn’t a problem at all he was ready to take us all on. Fast forward a year and now he doesn’t think he can handle the responsibility. He brought it up a couple of months ago that he’s not comfortable but he wants me in his life so we’ve tried to muddle along but it hasn’t improved. He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now. I want it to work so badly but am I mental to wait it out and hope he changes it mind or do I just call it a day.

OP posts:
Elizo · 03/11/2024 22:59

I’d want someone who felt lucky to have my DS in their life. This is grim.

carly2803 · 03/11/2024 22:59

massive red flag - get rid

he will drive a wedge between you and your children eventually - get rid

spidersandbees · 03/11/2024 23:00

I can't understand why you'd even consider staying with someone who doesn't want your kids around

Animatic · 03/11/2024 23:02

Your children should be your priority. Don't let a man f** with your head. Very unfair towards your children.

GranPepper · 03/11/2024 23:02

Flossyrocks · 03/11/2024 20:24

I think I already know the answers I’ll get to this but I love my partner so much (let’s call him bob) and am feeling desperate. We dated briefly a long time ago but went separate ways after a couple of months and I met my ex about a year after. We had 2 kids together and separated 2 years ago. Last year me and bob rekindled and I have never felt a connection like it and he feels the same (supposedly). At first he was absolutely not phased by the kids and it wasn’t a problem at all he was ready to take us all on. Fast forward a year and now he doesn’t think he can handle the responsibility. He brought it up a couple of months ago that he’s not comfortable but he wants me in his life so we’ve tried to muddle along but it hasn’t improved. He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now. I want it to work so badly but am I mental to wait it out and hope he changes it mind or do I just call it a day.

Hmmm. He wanted you all as a package at first but now he doesn't but says he still wants you in his life. I don't know all the circumstances but my best guess would be he's trying to exit the relationship and doesn't want to say it's because of you so he's saying he now feels he can't accept your children. I don't think this relationship will be a lasting one so maybe consider if you want to continue with it or rip off the plaster now

VivianLea · 03/11/2024 23:05

You need to leave him.

Love just isn't enough! You need to be compatible in the areas that matter, and accepting of kids is as high up on that list as it gets. He's testing your boundaries here, to see how much you're willing to cave to this pressure.

TheShellBeach · 03/11/2024 23:11

Flossyrocks · 03/11/2024 21:15

@Cowboycorgi he wants kids of his own so a casual relationship is not really on the cards

Ah. And a small part of you is thinking you might be giving them to him?

Please don't. He'll dislike your DC even more once he has his own.

Channellingsophistication · 03/11/2024 23:12

It would put me off someone completely if they werent willing to accept my DCs. He wants his own children but not yours - dont you find that really offensive?

My friend with 2 DCs met a guy and married him. He is amazing with her DCs, patience of a saint and kind, he does so much for them, totally treating them like his own. Isn’t that how it should be?

Netcam · 03/11/2024 23:25

sinckersnack · 03/11/2024 22:51

This. It's perfectly possible and can be great. You get time with him when the children are with their dad. You are both happy. He can see the children, be a positive feature in their lives occasionally but he doesn't move in and play daddy. Better all round, ( as long as he doesn't want his own children with you). I wish more people did it.

Show quote history

I agree. And this is pretty much what DH and I did for the first 5 years of our relationship. I think it was a positive thing and gave everyone plenty of space to adjust and get to know each other without any pressure.

saraclara · 03/11/2024 23:26

TheShellBeach · 03/11/2024 23:11

Ah. And a small part of you is thinking you might be giving them to him?

Please don't. He'll dislike your DC even more once he has his own.

Show quote history

Jeeze. I missed that he wants his own kids with her.

Recipe for disaster. The resentment that he already feels for her children will multiply by orders of magnitude if his own child/ren don't get to have 100% of him.

NiftyKoala · 03/11/2024 23:29

I wonder if he is using the children as an excuse either way you children need to come first.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/11/2024 23:38

"We dated briefly a long time ago but went separate ways after a couple of months ... Last year me and bob rekindled and I have never felt a connection like it and he feels the same (supposedly)."

So basically the two of you are reliving your youth? Are you sure that "connection" isn't to your younger self? And that "supposedly" is interesting. Almost as if you have your doubts.

"He was perfectly nice I just didn’t really feel much of a spark back then."
Hmm.

"He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now."
Double hmm. To be brutal - you chucked him years ago, having you come running back has massaged his ego to the point where he's petulant about being chucked in the first place. And he's had you for a year and has started humphing about your children - I wonder if he's angling for you to chuck him again. After all, his bruised ego is all better now; he doesn't actually need to maintain the relationship to consider himself a Fine Fellow Of A Man now, does he?

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 03/11/2024 23:42

Surely the fact that he said that should mean it's over. He isn't suitable for you , end of.

AbbeyGrange · 03/11/2024 23:51

Flossyrocks · 03/11/2024 21:15

@Cowboycorgi he wants kids of his own so a casual relationship is not really on the cards

Can you see how badly this can end up Op?

Copperoliverbear · 04/11/2024 00:12

You love Bob.
Surely you love your children more ?
They must always come first 100% a man and his feelings must never be put in front of your children and their welfare.

friendlycat · 04/11/2024 00:21

Well you want different things then.

As night turns into day this is a fact. Another fact is that nobody can change the past. It’s gone. The present is now and the future hasn’t happened yet.

You simply can’t have a future with a man who resents your children and doesn’t want the responsibility of them in his life. He may want his own children but then he will have to find another person who doesn’t have children already so that it’s all firsts for everyone.

You know this yourself. When someone tells you who they are, listen to what they’re telling you. Don’t try and change them. It doesn’t work.

KlaraSundown · 04/11/2024 00:31

You are a unit of three.

You just can't start a relationship with someone who won't accept that.

Or you could do what a school friend's mum did back in the early 80s, and have your DCs put in a home because their partner didn't like them!

mummybearsurrey · 04/11/2024 01:30

He is your ex by now isn't he?
He sounds like a bellend. Get rid. If he can't accept your kids then he does not accept you.
You can't give the kids away and pretend they don't exist. You come as a package.

Dump him again.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 04/11/2024 01:55

All the stuff you think you feel about him - it’s just projection. Nothing to do with him. You’ve got a bunch of feelings which need to go somewhere and they’re landing on him. But he’s not this great guy at all, he’s a prize knobhead, a manipulative, unloving arse.

Well said. I saw it too. We wouldn't have to peel back many layers of this story to discover that OP is riddled with trauma/insecurity/anxiety and Bob is, and has always been, a complete arsehole.

downwindofyou · 04/11/2024 07:26

He wants dc of his own. This will 100% be a disaster

He will treat your dc as complete second class dc after his own. It's going to fuck yo your entire world.
Your dc will be damaged. Your relationship will end up broken

AlwaysGinPlease · 04/11/2024 07:30

I didn't even need to read the post to know the answer after the title, but I did read it. Get rid. What a non situation. Your boyfriend doesn't like your children so he obviously can't be your boyfriend. Seriously why is this even a question?!

Original poster
Flossyrocks · 04/11/2024 07:37

@AlwaysGinPlease at no point have I said he doesn’t like my kids. He’s been trying to come to terms with having the 3 of us in his life and it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/11/2024 07:43

Flossyrocks · 04/11/2024 07:37

@AlwaysGinPlease at no point have I said he doesn’t like my kids. He’s been trying to come to terms with having the 3 of us in his life and it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen

If he's having to come to terms with their existence he doesn't actually like them though.

Are you going to stay with this man?

MSLRT · 04/11/2024 07:44

For goodness sake why are you even considering continuing with this relationship. Stop being so needy and put your kids first.

AlwaysGinPlease · 04/11/2024 07:50

Flossyrocks · 04/11/2024 07:37

@AlwaysGinPlease at no point have I said he doesn’t like my kids. He’s been trying to come to terms with having the 3 of us in his life and it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen

Oh stop kidding yourself OP! He resents them. He might not tell you , but he doesn't like them . Also, you really have far bigger fish to fry than arguing with a stranger on MN. Why would you even give him a second thought is beyond me.

How could you even look at him knowing that the best things in your life are an issue to him? You shouldn't be even speaking to him let alone anything else. Be a Mum first, not a lovesick sap.