Husband more domesticated than me and its making me feel useless and unhappy

[dublinderby34]

Has anyone been with a man that is very domesticated? I know some people would wish for this, and don't get me wrong having a clean house every day is GREAT. but, it comes at a cost. I have had relationship in the past were my partner worked and he would come home and I quite enjoy making a dinner for him, wondering what to make, totally having the decision up to me etc. My partner now is very nit picky, to the point where I don't actually feel good enough or that i bring any value to the house. He (jokingly) will make jokes like "did you vacuum properly this time?" or, "make sure to wash the clothes before bed so they are dry before the morning" etc. This has taken away my thought process so I have actually become lazy. I don't need to think of dinner, I don't really need to clean, I don't think to plan the food shop as he writes the list, I work daily but I find my spark of being the feminine me is a little lost.

Other examples:
I will make the bed, and he will come in from work and re-make it
.
I will come out the bath and leave my clothes on the floor (until I am dressed - maybe an hour later ill tidy up etc) and he will come up and ask why my bra is on the floor

I left a brush on the bed after drying my hair so he came in and put it on my desk next to me while i worked

I walked across the wet grass in the garden (with shoes on) and the cats followed me but walked around on the pavement and he comments 'even the cats are cleaner than you'

I know he is a good person (he is) and would do anything for me in the world, but these constant digs and feeling like I aren't providing and looking after the family how i want to, are making me unhappy. I know I shouldn't value my worth on providing, and doing domesticated things/feeling needed around the house, but that might just be how im wired. I like looking after people/things. he obviously does too, and it takes that away from me. I feel ungrateful to be complaining about this, but i feel really stuck. I see me having kids and not having to do anything, which is amazing i know but i also obviously need to feel.....needed.

*he just naturally puts people down because maybe he thinks highly of himself. I’ve heard him do it at work *I didn't see this, wow, so he's mean at work too. No need to put people down in any scenario. He's a shit communicator and I bet people don't like him there so much either.

@ThatWarmJadeSeal I would tell them to leave the relationship if they were at the point of being this ridiculously petty about a hairbrush!

Incorrect. He redos the bed because i dont 'pull the fitted sheet tight enough' and he likes it dead flat. the undies eg trousers are in the floor IN MY BATHROOM i do not expect him to tidy up after me but i also dont want to have a panic attack becuase i havent picked my trousers up in 30minutes of having a bath

Have you watched ‘Sleeping with the Enemy’? The Julia Roberts film?

Highly recommend it… you’ll see the parallels.

Well otherwise the sheet is all rumpled underneath you and comes off? It takes an extra second to do it properly. Why not put a laundry hamper in the bathroom and put your clothes in it as you take them off?

You have a choice OP. He isn't going to change. This is him. If you want to be expected to pull the fitted sheet tighter, or pick up your trousers in your own bathroom immediately, carry on. If not, you don't have to. I couldn't live like this but then many people couldn't live with me. He requires a show home standard at all times and that's the deal.

I just want to say @dublinderby34 that it sounds like you're doing really great with household tasks as someone with ADHD! These can be so hard for us, it sounds like you've put so much effort it, I'm really impressed and it encourages me to persevere with trying to make improvements myself!

It sounds like you've done a lot of work to go in his direction, but you say he's getting worse with his exacting standards. It really sounds like he needs some help with his OCD so he is able to take some steps in your direction. It doesn't sound sustainable for either of you otherwise.

A family member has recently had two young children with her extremely OCD tidy husband. I find the atmosphere in their house strange. They will go to great expense putting up intricate christmas / birthday displays and ornaments in arms reach of the children on coffee tables etc, but the kids will not be allowed to touch any of it (and its just them constantly telling the kids "no" or taking things away from the kids and putting them in the garage to "teach them not to touch things", or forcing them to only play with one toy at a time). Its like he wants to present this image of everything being wonderful and under control, when really he is not letting his kids be curious or involved in their own home.

His default way of dealing with the kids is shouting because I think really he is a deeply anxious man who wants to keep order in everything in his life, and of course kids come with a level of chaos and disorganisation that cannot be tamed in the way he has tamed everything else in his life.

They both work long hours in demanding jobs to be able to pay for the extremely beautiful immaculate large home they keep. They both just seem exhausted all the time.He's all about presenting the right image - the new cars on the drive, the designer clothes etc. I think he wants immaculately behaved kids as well to perpetuate this image and can't cope with the fact that kids have tantrums / cry / want to explore everything and make a mess.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5198859-feeling-like-a-maid?page=6

im sure someone will say “it’s different” but this thread also current has a very different conclusion. I wonder why…

I don't think many people would like a partner who leaves shit down the toilet, the kitchen messy etc. Only the OP knows if she is that level of actual health hazard or whether he's picking up on minute details. It seems to me the latter, but we can't know. If someone remade the bed sheets I'd just changed I'd actually laugh.

He doesn't sound "domesticated", he sounds like a passive aggressive pain in the a**e.

Leaving your clothes on the bathroom floor for an hour after a shower would bother me a bit, but literally everything else you mention is entirely unreasonable. And he seems to enjoy putting you down and making you feel small and not good enough. Nah. Sod that.

He’s not more domesticated he’s just a passive aggressive controlling prick.

I really do think you could write a post saying that you want to do more around the house and fulfil your role as an equal partner but that your wife's standards are so high and that she's so controlling of the home that she won't let you or puts you down when you try. If you gave some examples that show readers what your standards are and what your wife's standards are, and told us about the impact it's having on you and on your marriage, I reckon you'd get some good responses.

The trouble is that on MN what we mostly see is women doing all the work and rightly complaining about husbands who are lazy. That doesn't mean we can't see a different situation for what it is. As this thread proves. No one is saying to the OP 'oh, be grateful you have a husband who shares the load', because we can all see there is so much more going on here.

This is the crux of the problem.

It's not that he does a lot around the house, but that he acts all superior about it. He puts you down to build up his own ego. That's the real issue.

Sorry, OP. But he is not a nice man. He is a bully who is deliberately trying to make you feel like shit.

My DH is ex-army and has some very particular ways he does things. The key word here is 'he' - I do not dry the kitchen sink each time I've run the tap, because WTAF, and I do not polish the cooker top to remove all hints of smears, and I went along with buying a black plastic kettle because he couldn't bear the prints/smudges on the chrome one, for example. He does things his way. He has learned not to huff if I - how dare I - use the sink after he's dried it, because I will roll my eyes at him and say 'that's what it's for'. I am far from slovenly, and so are you, and DH has had to pick whether he wants me as I am or not at all. I do some things when he is home that I do not do when he is away on business, such as arrange the cushions on the sofa when I go up to bed. We have compromised, and if your husband can't do that, he is not the one you can spend the rest of your life with.

He does it for himself because that is who he is - fine.

But then he uses it as a stick to beat you with - not fine.

he would be a great dad with lots of stability.

Don't have kids with him. He's a fun sucking misery gut.

Your be dogs can't even the joy of running on the beach.

Adults don't celebrate birthdays once the have kids. Why not?* *Do they be one parents and stop being people in their own right? Or is it just seen as frivolous? IMO There's enough misery in the world and milestones should be celebrated.

I'm very organised and controlling. I let my kids roll in mud, make mess because it's good for them developmentally. Messy play fills me with anxiety and dread but I do it with a forced smile because they love it.

I struggle but I remind my self that when I die no one is going to say wow her house was so clean. My house is VERY clean and organised. I remind my self my kids will remember playing in edible mud.

My dad is like your husband. I dont live at home now. But when I go round if I drop a crumb he gets out the hoover. Sometimes I have to hoover up if anybodies kids have got biscuit crumbs on the floor. My mum was in hospital once and I did some cleaning and washing one day to help. I pegged the washing out wrong and he had to move it how he wanted it. My mums always rolling her eyes at me. He's a nightmare with it. Folds towels in a set way etc. He's got a system for everything. Nightmare.

Once upon a time this was me... it eventually turned into 'me not being capable of anything' and 'needing' my ex husband which eventually turned into abuse being my fault .. me needing meds for depression because I wasn't even able to cook a meal... oddly my cooking abilities and handling everything else appeared and anti ds disappeared when I left.

And how do you think he'll cope/act if you have children and they aren't the perfect little automatons he wants them to be? Because they're CHILDREN. They make messes, they don't immediately put a toy away when they're done playing with it, they like to go the beach & get sandy, they like to play with messy toys, they certainly won't contain their toys to specific rooms!
So he'll belittle, berate and make nasty comments to his own children? Follow them around making them clean? Inspecting their rooms for cleanliness? Well that sounds like a LOVELY childhood with no lasting trauma and plenty of joy & fun.

Exactly.

All the people banging on about how OP should "show how much she cares" by turning her house in show-home - do you think their future children should do the same thing? If this man can't cope without pristine bedsheets, how is he going to cope with toddlers?!

Why do you want to bother then? Just let him do everything.

i do - but then he says 'your so lucky arent you, look how much i do' in a jokey way, or like ' youd be lost without me wouldnt you?' , and things if i cook like 'you alway make such a mess'

You can't win OP. I'd cut my losses tbh

I was in a relationship like this ( luckily never lived together) I had 3 dc, he had none, thank god, but he would criticise anything I did even making a cup of tea.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when he wanted to change the sheets straight after sex in case it stained the mattress 🙄.

I told him to fuck off and went back to my warm & loving hovel.

Think about how he'd be with you if you had kids, not just how he'd be with them.

Imagine it. You're at home with a toddler and a new baby. You haven't slept in days, and probably haven't had a full night's sleep in a couple of years. You've not had time to shower that day so your hair is greasy. There's food stains and baby sick on your clothes, crumbs and spills all over the kitchen, toys everywhere, laundry and dishes constantly piled up. He comes home to that. Do you think he's going to get annoyed at the kids? Or with you for not being clean & tidy enough for him? For not being good enough?

However he's making you feel now, multiply it by a hundred and then imagine you're on the verge of tears anyway because of sleep deprivation and a screaming toddler.