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Original poster

Husband more domesticated than me and its making me feel useless and unhappy

187 replies

dublinderby34 · 31/10/2024 20:24

Has anyone been with a man that is very domesticated? I know some people would wish for this, and don't get me wrong having a clean house every day is GREAT. but, it comes at a cost. I have had relationship in the past were my partner worked and he would come home and I quite enjoy making a dinner for him, wondering what to make, totally having the decision up to me etc. My partner now is very nit picky, to the point where I don't actually feel good enough or that i bring any value to the house. He (jokingly) will make jokes like "did you vacuum properly this time?" or, "make sure to wash the clothes before bed so they are dry before the morning" etc. This has taken away my thought process so I have actually become lazy. I don't need to think of dinner, I don't really need to clean, I don't think to plan the food shop as he writes the list, I work daily but I find my spark of being the feminine me is a little lost.

Other examples:
I will make the bed, and he will come in from work and re-make it
.
I will come out the bath and leave my clothes on the floor (until I am dressed - maybe an hour later ill tidy up etc) and he will come up and ask why my bra is on the floor

I left a brush on the bed after drying my hair so he came in and put it on my desk next to me while i worked

I walked across the wet grass in the garden (with shoes on) and the cats followed me but walked around on the pavement and he comments 'even the cats are cleaner than you'

I know he is a good person (he is) and would do anything for me in the world, but these constant digs and feeling like I aren't providing and looking after the family how i want to, are making me unhappy. I know I shouldn't value my worth on providing, and doing domesticated things/feeling needed around the house, but that might just be how im wired. I like looking after people/things. he obviously does too, and it takes that away from me. I feel ungrateful to be complaining about this, but i feel really stuck. I see me having kids and not having to do anything, which is amazing i know but i also obviously need to feel.....needed.

OP posts:
terracottafarm · 31/10/2024 21:38

Hi OP. I'm very similar to your husband, it's a form of OCD and I also can't stand things laying around when they have their own places or when things aren't done properly, IE bed being made insufficiently.
It's frustrating for both parties, me especially as it affects me day to day if things are in their right places. Some people just like living a certain way.

Pinkbonbon · 31/10/2024 21:39

dublinderby34 · 31/10/2024 21:29

I genuinely don’t think he is doing this on purpose or has the awareness around it. I think he just naturally puts people down because maybe he thinks highly of himself. I’ve heard him do it at work. He is other than that a great person, but I just don’t know if it’s something I can live with for the rest of my life. I want to feel useful. I want to contribute. I want to feel valuable. Especially with my children

Show quote history

Was that supposed to make it better?

"Naturally puts people down", "Thinks highly of himself" 🤮 🤮 🤮

So he's a narcissist too.

category12 · 31/10/2024 21:41

STARCATCHER22 · 31/10/2024 21:35

Do you really this this is better?? So he’s a great person except for the fact that he belittles people around him and thinks he’s better than everyone?

You are worrying about the wrong thing. You are concerned about feeling valuable and useful for your children. I am concerned that you are considering having children with a man who “naturally puts people down”. What kind of father is that going to make him?

Show quote history

This.

Edingril · 31/10/2024 21:44

Do not have children with him, do you honestly think you are both mature enough to do this?

Iwantabrightsunnyday · 31/10/2024 21:46

he should be a hotel maid, lol
< even the cats are cleaner than you> - lol
apart from that, do you spend time together just conversing about things in life, what interests you have, general deeper ideas , inner life, etc or is it all about food, practicalities, etc

CSR721 · 31/10/2024 21:47

My husband is extremelt "domesticated". He cooks (I hate cooking) cleans, does laundry, does the food shop and has a day off from work to look after our son while I work 5 days (we work in the same career).

He's not a dick about it though and would never make nasty comments about it.

Pallisers · 31/10/2024 21:48

God I bet they talk about him at work! I couldn't live like this. I don't think you want to live like this either OP - even the cats are cleaner? Seriously. How great is he?

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 31/10/2024 21:51

OK, I get you are frustrated but so is he. The snide comments need to be addressed though!!
Have "the chat" now though before the kids come along.
My dp does way more housework than me and I love it. Yes he does moan about it but........hey he needs to suck it up.😆the bed making thing i do is never quite good enough for him either, so it's his "job" now.
Ps
I work longer hours and my job is physically more taxing than his.
God I sound like a right bitch, don't I 😂
I'm really not though, I still do a lot of other things.

healthybychristmas · 31/10/2024 21:52

Ugh he sounds horrible. Nobody would want to live with him! He would drive anybody completely crazy. Go with your gut on this one. This isn't the man for you. You can't even think about having children with him. He's getting worse and worse and it is affecting the way you live your life. Time to move on.

samedifferent · 31/10/2024 21:52

He isn't domesticated, that would mean he is able to create warm homely environment which runs smoothly.
He is creating an unpleasant, critical, passive aggressive environment.
He is so certain he is right that he judges you constantly.
This is not a good person to build a life with.

LoremIpsumCici · 31/10/2024 21:55

I am failing to grasp how him being the maid of all work- picking up after you- is taking anything away from you? You can pick up after yourself surely? And why would you want to be picking up after him? Yes can see he is being a bit mean/passive aggressive but I would be too if I were constantly picking up after my DH or having to redo hoovering because he couldn’t be arsed to hoover properly.

I am also failing to grasp how this makes you feel less feminine? I am positive that most rich women never lift a finger for this kind of work and they are no less feminine.

And trust me, when you add kids to the mix, there is more than enough tidying and cleaning for two parents and far too much for one.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 31/10/2024 21:58

Great people don't put others down. It erodes condidence and it's passive aggressive and it's quietly destructive.

Great people build others up.

Lovey, open your eyes and think better of yourself. He's doing a number on you.

You deserve a lot better than this.

Renamed · 31/10/2024 21:58

Um. I was going to say maybe you can have a conversation about this, sort out who is in charge of which chores or rooms, agree about when you can mention things which really wind either of you up (eg could be stuff on the bed, could be not replacing the bin liner etc)…

But that’s something else, not being allowed to take the dogs to the beach (were there really vast quantities of sand)? Are you allowed to take dogs off the leash anywhere? It sounds uncomfortable, joyless, uptight.

Original poster
dublinderby34 · 31/10/2024 21:59

samedifferent · 31/10/2024 21:52

He isn't domesticated, that would mean he is able to create warm homely environment which runs smoothly.
He is creating an unpleasant, critical, passive aggressive environment.
He is so certain he is right that he judges you constantly.
This is not a good person to build a life with.

It’s hard though because aside from this, he is a great family member, good friend, perfect dad to our dogs, we have loads in common but I honestly feel like the guy in this relationship. I don’t feel good enough and yes he is probably doing this partly due to ocd and partly to make himself feel better, but I constantly feel judged. Nothing I do is good enough and it’s not allowing me to embrace qualities that I used to love displaying. Ugh.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/10/2024 22:00

Have you told him it's passive aggressive and upsetting you and to please be more mindful of what he brings up and how? And that you make the effort not to nit pick and please can he do the same? If he's a decent guy then that should be enough to stop it.

Original poster
dublinderby34 · 31/10/2024 22:02

LoremIpsumCici · 31/10/2024 21:55

I am failing to grasp how him being the maid of all work- picking up after you- is taking anything away from you? You can pick up after yourself surely? And why would you want to be picking up after him? Yes can see he is being a bit mean/passive aggressive but I would be too if I were constantly picking up after my DH or having to redo hoovering because he couldn’t be arsed to hoover properly.

I am also failing to grasp how this makes you feel less feminine? I am positive that most rich women never lift a finger for this kind of work and they are no less feminine.

And trust me, when you add kids to the mix, there is more than enough tidying and cleaning for two parents and far too much for one.

Edited

In a sense where, I like cooking dinner, planning the meals. He is constantly telling me “we have this for dinner tomorrow”. Now I have stopped even thinking about dinner. It doesn’t even cross my mind - something I used to enjoy.

again with cleaning, I used to enjoy cleaning but now my cleaning isn’t good enough. When I hoover i don’t even feel like I’m doing a good job so I don’t feel I accomplished anything. Likewise with taking the dogs to the beach, now I’m just concerned about the sand in the car and in the house that he will moan about.

does that make a little more sense? I suppose you could say he’s better than me at all these things but, I still enjoyed them, and got satisfaction from them. I don’t even want to do them for him anymore because it’s not good enough.

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 31/10/2024 22:07

He sounds bloody horrible. Why would you want to be with him?

LoremIpsumCici · 31/10/2024 22:10

It’s worth trying to plan meals together and take turns cooking, and also agree on the cleaning methods. Other things could be particular- like the bed being made a certain way- so that is his job. I am that way about loading the dishwasher. Divide things up. There must be some things you can do that he doesn’t feel a need to redo.

If you take the dogs to the beach and you clean up the sand, then why would he moan? Can you put blankets in the car? Take them round back and hose off their sandy bits before they go in the house?

BabyCloud · 31/10/2024 22:12

Take some control back. You’re allowed to go food shopping and cook you know.

Whatthefuck3456 · 31/10/2024 22:12

i would love that I think

itsmylife7 · 31/10/2024 22:12

You're not suited for living together.

You're more messy and he's extremely tidy aka perfectionists.

His constant putdowns are eroding your confidence.

Undisclosedlocation · 31/10/2024 22:14

He constantly says I don’t put things away. I suppose I don’t instantly

Welll what gives him the right to dictate how you live in your own home? You are perfectly entitled to leave stuff lying around if you want to
ITS YOUR HOUSE TOO!!

He sounds like an utter arse and a complete bore

Brananan · 31/10/2024 22:16

I left a brush on the bed after drying my hair so he came in and put it on my desk next to me while i worked

I would literally divorce dh if he did this.

ManhattanPopcorn · 31/10/2024 22:17

The problem isn't that he's domesticated. The problem is that he's putting you down all the time.

Willyoubereadybyteatime · 31/10/2024 22:21

Itssodark · 31/10/2024 21:32

The problem isn't that he's tidier than you. It's that he's belittling you. To make a comment 'even the cats are cleaner than you' is like bullying. Redoing things you've done is insulting.

You need to say that these comments not acceptable. However it also sounds like he's frustrated you're not tidy like he is. I'd suggest you agree that you take responsibility for certain chores and he doesn't interfere with those ever.

Exactly this^

This is not about housework! This is about him making you feel like you are a horrible person op through judging you negatively all of the time. And by him controlling the minutiae of your life.

Op - please please please do not have dc with this man - can you image his reaction to a child leaving their toys about?

Sometimes in a relationship, love is not enough. It’s about how the other person makes you feel about yourself.

There is so much more to life than these sort of domestically focused shackles.

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