Husband more domesticated than me and its making me feel useless and unhappy

[dublinderby34]

Has anyone been with a man that is very domesticated? I know some people would wish for this, and don't get me wrong having a clean house every day is GREAT. but, it comes at a cost. I have had relationship in the past were my partner worked and he would come home and I quite enjoy making a dinner for him, wondering what to make, totally having the decision up to me etc. My partner now is very nit picky, to the point where I don't actually feel good enough or that i bring any value to the house. He (jokingly) will make jokes like "did you vacuum properly this time?" or, "make sure to wash the clothes before bed so they are dry before the morning" etc. This has taken away my thought process so I have actually become lazy. I don't need to think of dinner, I don't really need to clean, I don't think to plan the food shop as he writes the list, I work daily but I find my spark of being the feminine me is a little lost.

Other examples:
I will make the bed, and he will come in from work and re-make it
.
I will come out the bath and leave my clothes on the floor (until I am dressed - maybe an hour later ill tidy up etc) and he will come up and ask why my bra is on the floor

I left a brush on the bed after drying my hair so he came in and put it on my desk next to me while i worked

I walked across the wet grass in the garden (with shoes on) and the cats followed me but walked around on the pavement and he comments 'even the cats are cleaner than you'

I know he is a good person (he is) and would do anything for me in the world, but these constant digs and feeling like I aren't providing and looking after the family how i want to, are making me unhappy. I know I shouldn't value my worth on providing, and doing domesticated things/feeling needed around the house, but that might just be how im wired. I like looking after people/things. he obviously does too, and it takes that away from me. I feel ungrateful to be complaining about this, but i feel really stuck. I see me having kids and not having to do anything, which is amazing i know but i also obviously need to feel.....needed.

cuz he would be a great dad with lots of stability

Children are chaotic, messy and need unconditional love.

@dublinderby34 and there you have it. He’s not joking - he does think he’s god’s gift. He enjoys making you feel small, and reminding you how superior he is. Like pp have said, PLEASE don’t have kids with him. If you’re unhappy now, you’ll be utterly miserable when he complains about you when you’re day and pregnant and less able to do xy and z, and then when you have a small baby and it’s sick or has a leaky nappy, cries in the night, or takes ages to go to sleep. As for toddlers - he doesn’t even let you take the dogs to the beach, makes snarky comments when you walk on wet grass - he’ll make their lives hell (and by extension yours) when they want to play with
more than one toy, have a tantrum, don’t obey instantly, take a cushion off the sofa, or drop food on the floor.

He's a nasty person OP - insidious and unpleasant and controlling.

Please don't waste any more of your life on him. You sound absolutely lovely and you deserve so much more than this.

A good dad? Is this really what you think? Children can be messy and noisy and unpredictable. Living with a dad who believes he is right about everything and completely unable to compromise or see someone else's point of view would be disastrous. Seeing how you feel, this would be 100 times worse for a vulnerable child.

its actually getting worse since we bought a new build house, i guess he wnts to keep it pristine - i feel like maybe i havent voiced this and tried to help him (if it is genuienely ocd) and told him the affect this is having, i have a few times and he admits he needs to say less things like that but ive noticed its actually getting worse with age, when he lived with me in my old house it wasnt a thing at all, least i dont remember feeling like this. when i live alone i feel free and valuable

@dublinderby34 ocd maybe, what’s the excuse for the constant put-downs? That nothing to do with ocd and everything to do with his superiority complex. His mental health issues don’t mean you have suffer constant criticism - as you can see, YOUR mental health is taking a nose dive. You are every bit as important as he is, and it’s interesting that this issue has only recently arisen. He wasn’t like this in your old house? He’s very critical of people at his workplace. This is the real him I’m afraid.

Oh gosh.

Op it is deliberate. I had an incline before but this post confirms it.

It terrifies me that you keep talking about kids with this guy. Let alone 'he'd be a great dad'.

He's literally told you you won't have a birthday after you provide him with children.

Please ffs see the signs. He's incidious as fuck.

He's controlling and is absolutely deliberately trying to make you feel like you can't do anything right.

I know you don't want to see it. You want to think he loves you and he just doesn't think. But he clearly does, a great deal. All his little comments are designed to make you feel worthless and like youd never get by without him.

Please please please never get pregnant to this man. Get out of there as fast as you can.

And seriously just to reiterate he literally said people who have children shouldn't have birthdays anymore. He has told you clearly what will happen to you once kids are in the picture - your needs will no longer matter.

When people straight up tell you who they are. Believe them. I'm betting this isn't the only thing he's said that's made you go '...wait...what? Wait a minute' right? Before you decided to just shrug it off as 'maybe I misunderstood that' or 'maybe he has his reasons'. Never ever brush these things under the carpet. They are your instincts warning you!

If he ramped up the abuse when you bought the new home, its perhaps because he now feels you are more trapped with him by it. Pregnancy is the other thing that brings out their abuse more.

God that's so toxic and unhealthy I would be out the door and getting as far away from him as possible

I so identify with your experience OP. The re-making of the bed. The re-packing of dishwasher. Being micromanged when cooking. On top of this, him feeling annoyed because he "has to do everything", and me feeling lazy and useless when I'm certainly not lazy (I do suspect I have ADHD though). Yet also feeling that they are actually a good person at heart, who tries their best but can't get over their perfectionist tendencies. I also identify with the parent/child dynamic which you mentioned.

This has almost lead to the end of our relationship as I just didn't feel I could cope with feeling so squashed and criticised.
Lots of people have mentioned OCD, but I think if you look up OCPD you'll find it insightful (OCD and OCDP are competely different things).

What helped for us was having relationship counselling. It didn't change things in the way I thought it would, but it gave me some tools to speak up (I'd given up trying to change anything or speaking up about how I felt, as I'd tried that previously and it made everything worse) and to stop feeling like quite such a victim. Somehow this has really helped.

However, your husband would have to be open-minded enough to be willing to go to counselling, and that might be difficult for someone who thinks they are right all the time and believes in their own superiority.

OP, I have thought of one more thing. ADHD is highly genetic and it is likely you’ll have at least one child with it. My dad was like your husband (and then I married another one, gah!). Growing up in a household like that with behaviours that you can’t help but constantly trigger conflict will a fast route to self loathing and poor self esteem for your child. As others have said, if you feel awful, it will be much worse for your child, and much worse again for an ADHD child.

I really think some therapy as a first port of call could be really helpful for you to figure out a way forward that draws on your strengths and acknowledges and celebrates who you are.

Supremely unsexy. My partner is naturally cleaner and more domestic than I am and she would never, ever say anything like this.