Feeling like a maid

[Evermoreobsessed]

I am at the end of my tether with DP. We have lived together for 6 years. He has always been messy so probably is my own fault. I could see past it initially and then got into the unhealthy dynamic where i ended up doing most of the housework just to have a nicer house (even when we lived in his place). Over the years I have been trying to get him to pull some weight and he will do the odd cleaning job when I tell him specifically what needs done. I'm not bothered about doing the bigger house clean as I like things done my way anyway.
But the things that are starting to bother me are more recent developments. For example he has stopped putting his laundry in the basket just leaves on the floor, will trim his beard and leave hair all over the bathroom after I've just cleaned, leaves food packaging and dishes around the kitchen rather than putting away, and most disgustingly won't even check if he has flushed the toilet properly. It's all making it a huge turn off. I have spoken to him about it with little change and it's embarrassing having to tell a grown man to make sure he's flushed the toilet properly?! I feel he is being disrespectful and acts like there's a maid running after him to the point I'm wondering if I should just tell him it's over if he won't change. What would you do in this situation where you knew he was messy but it's gotten to this point - would you leave?

Yeah I mean I wonder if he was even as bad as a teen or if it's all to spite me like so many have said!

Well then, you are making a rod for your own back. He knows you'll crack before he does.

There should be a script for these housework dodgers, they come up with the same excuses over and over.
"I just don't see mess like you do!"
"Your standards are just higher than mine, don't blame me if I can't meet your unreasonable standards."
"Why don't you just tell me what to do and I'll do it." (This one means they can then complain about you "nagging" them about housework.
"I was just about to do it but now I won't because you made me feel bad by mentioning it."
"I take the bins out/mow the lawn occasionally therefore you should do everything else."
"Actually, I do more housework than you. Don't ask me to explain this, I just do."
"My job is more stressful than yours, therefore I cannot put my pants in a basket."

Oh for god’s sake “when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.” Stop pretzling yourself to find an alternative explanation for his obvious contempt for you. This reads like one of the parody vignettes in the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

100 percent of functioning men who want to have sex with their date can at least flush the fucking toilet. They will preferentially do so in order to impress their dates. If He doesn’t flush the toilet he is just not that into you.

Run far and fast from this wanker and regroup later.

This.

NC as don't want linked to my account. Please leave and please do not have kids with this man. I didn't leave, I was young, low self esteem that I wouldn't find anyone else (I can now see that looking back) so I convinced myself he wasn't that bad. 10 years, 2 kids later and aside from my kids I wish I had left. I wish I had realised that I would have met someone else to have my kids with who is a partner and team player. Now I'm stuck in a relationship where I do 90% of everything. I can't leave because I will miss my kids too much. He would go for 50/50 as he is a "good parent" just lazy! I'm now waiting until my kids are old enough that I can stay in touch with them when we separate/they may see how lazy he is and choose to live with me for the majority of the time. Or maybe with him as they may also not care about stuff.

As you say it's the resentment that builds up, the selfishness of it doesn't bother them/effect them so why do I need to change. They say tell me what needs doing - that makes you feel like their mother so not attractive, you do it all yourself - your too tired/resentful to want to be build your relationship up, you try to say what should have been done - your made to be a nagging wife. You cannot "win"/change someone like this. Believe me I have tried everything.

Whats sad is we get on well, holidays are nice and relaxing (probably because no housework, food shopping, work, thinking!) is required. We enjoy the time together. We do get on, we have nice days out as a family. We laugh and enjoy company. But I do not want to live with him any longer than I have to nor have sex with someone who makes me feel like a maid. I don't want to be in my 50s when kids have left the house and still be picking up dirty used tissues or pants off the floor.

Please please listen to your instinct, split up, take your equity and go! Even if you end up with a smaller flat to yourself. You'll be happier and you'll find the right person for you!

Thanks for this, I think that's what I've been needing to hear. Of course there are good times but I think the resentment of him not pulling his weight is too much and I can see my future being the same as yours, I can relate to holidays being good etc. Sorry that you feel stuck and hope you get the chance to leave if that's what you want, when you feel you can.

To me it's weird to wash another adult's clothes. Laundry is personal hygiene and it's embarrassing that he doesn't do his own.

Does he think women are less than men? He must do, to expect this.

Seriously he is too busy to flush I wonder if wiping will go next. Filthy idiot.
Good luck.

Choked on brew moment then laughing 🤣

I did try to bring up the trail of mess he leaves behind him today but he had excuses of being busy at work and wouldn't listen to the fact it takes no time so can see he won't change. Literally takes 2 seconds to put something in the bin etc.

The interesting follow up question is, "do you think I'm less busy than you or that my time is less valuable?". Because it's clear SOMEONE has to flush the toilet and pick rubbish up off the floor. He's just decided that's you.