Husband more domesticated than me and its making me feel useless and unhappy

[dublinderby34]

Has anyone been with a man that is very domesticated? I know some people would wish for this, and don't get me wrong having a clean house every day is GREAT. but, it comes at a cost. I have had relationship in the past were my partner worked and he would come home and I quite enjoy making a dinner for him, wondering what to make, totally having the decision up to me etc. My partner now is very nit picky, to the point where I don't actually feel good enough or that i bring any value to the house. He (jokingly) will make jokes like "did you vacuum properly this time?" or, "make sure to wash the clothes before bed so they are dry before the morning" etc. This has taken away my thought process so I have actually become lazy. I don't need to think of dinner, I don't really need to clean, I don't think to plan the food shop as he writes the list, I work daily but I find my spark of being the feminine me is a little lost.

Other examples:
I will make the bed, and he will come in from work and re-make it
.
I will come out the bath and leave my clothes on the floor (until I am dressed - maybe an hour later ill tidy up etc) and he will come up and ask why my bra is on the floor

I left a brush on the bed after drying my hair so he came in and put it on my desk next to me while i worked

I walked across the wet grass in the garden (with shoes on) and the cats followed me but walked around on the pavement and he comments 'even the cats are cleaner than you'

I know he is a good person (he is) and would do anything for me in the world, but these constant digs and feeling like I aren't providing and looking after the family how i want to, are making me unhappy. I know I shouldn't value my worth on providing, and doing domesticated things/feeling needed around the house, but that might just be how im wired. I like looking after people/things. he obviously does too, and it takes that away from me. I feel ungrateful to be complaining about this, but i feel really stuck. I see me having kids and not having to do anything, which is amazing i know but i also obviously need to feel.....needed.

Putting your hair brush on your desk is… it’s really creepy and so, so passive aggressive.

As is the scolding.

Are you in a position to leave him, or at least live separately for a while?

My autistic son can be like this. He is always cleaning up after me even getting in my way when I am making a tea but I push back and expose him to mess because I don’t want him to become controlling as he gets older. I make it clear it’s my home too and I will attend to things when I am ready to do so. He gets frustrated but is accepting that more.

He talked to his psychologist about it and she recommended that rather than going off about the mess that he stare at it and observe his feelings.

Is this a reverse?

Well, you've missed the point then. The problem is how the Op's husband speaks to her and makes her feel as if she isn't good enough, rather than acknowledging that he has a control problem. If that is happening to you then I'm not sure why you would be laughing at this thread rather than taking the advice on board. And actually, if you started your own thread and managed to name and explain the problem you are having accurately, you'd probably get some good responses.

He's really done a number on you 😔

He's not a "nice guy", he's an abusive wanker who makes you feel guilty for taking your dogs to the beach in case you get sand on the carpets.

Then you go onto say he's be strict and controlling with your children and yet somehow you still think he's decent?

Tell him to fuck off.

@ThatWarmJadeSeal talk about completely missing the point 🙄

We're not talking about sensible boundaries, we're talking about a men who makes his wife feel guilty for letting the dogs get sandy at the beach and who presents her with her own hairbrush while she's working if she happens to leave it on the bed.

He's an abusive arsehole.

I don't think this is about him being 'domesticated'. I think it's about him being controlling and mean to you.

My husband likes a clean house and he is great at cleaning/ tidying etc. I let him do his thing and he lets me do mine and we generally have a pretty clean/ tidy house most of the time.

We don't nitpick at what each other are/ aren't doing. That's a relationship issue.

He's controlling. Don't have children with this individual. They'll watch him put you down constantly. Remaking a bed? Petty very petty.

DH was a bit like this. I am a bit of a grub (personal hygiene is fine) I don't put things away straight away, will leave things out for a while.

He often makes comments on how the house is a mess. Things came to a head a while back and I told him 'the house may be messy - and yes, this is mainly my doing, but, it's a family home, filled with love, if he wants to live in a show home, he can move in with his parents. He's a lot more relaxed now.

I have experience of this myself and it escalated. I offered so many times to pay for a cleaner but that wasn’t good enough either.
It’s a sorry state of affairs.

@TreesWelliesKnees The laughter is because there are posts that are black or white (real abuse, or obviously trivial nonsense). Then there is a post like this where it's all in the reading.

It would be interesting to see what the responses would be to a mirror post. We'll never know of course, but I don't think I'd dare write a MN post complaining that my wife does all the cooking, cleaning and planning, but that she should change her tone because I feel emasculated when she tells me to pick my stuff off the floor, or rearranges stuff that she likes to be neat. I think most responses would tell me to stop whining, appreciate her work, and raise my standards.

No comment on whether that's the right answer or not! Maybe such responses would be horribly unfair and unsympathetic to OP/to me if they said that. But I do think the tenor of the responses would differ entirely depending on whether the post were husband about wife or wife about husband.

(My actual view is that the right answer is somewhere in between. The 'wisdom to know the difference', to learn what to rub along with and what to challenge, recognising that both parties have lots of flaws and strengths, and to avoid letting resentments ossify is basically the day-to-day of marriage).

If I had a partner who couldn't tidy up and I had to redo everything they did, I wouldn't want them adding to it with sand, either.

If I had a partner who couldn't tidy up and I had to redo everything they did, I wouldn't want them adding to it with sand, either. Also you have no idea about whether the OP wants them kids up at 2am. All she said is that he has strict bedtimes. It might be bed by 10pm

Exactly my thoughts

Also, OP, there is nothing feminine about housework. It's just boring shitty unpaid work.

Men who understand this and pull their weight, great.

Men who are passive aggressive controlling dickheads, not so great.

This guy is the latter.

I think you're pretty close to seeing it. He's making you feel "less than" because of his condescending bullshit. That's got nothing to do with femininity and everything to do with him being toxic.

Please don’t have children with this man. It will destroy them and you. He absolutely will not be able to cope with the messiness and unpredictability children bring to a house. He is making you miserable - imagine a little child having to deal with him?

😅 so picking up after your spouse and letting them know they should not have left their dirty clothes on the bathroom floor or left their hairbrush on the bed is being an abusive arsehole?

I guess the thousands of threads of women in mumsnet posting about losing their rag at their “man child” for being just as messy are all abusive arseholes too.

Well it’s not ideal is it? Whoever is doing it.

She can leave her hairbrush wherever she likes. What on earth is going on in his head that he feels the need to place it on her desk? Why does he get to decide that her hairbrush must be in its place? What a horrible way to live your life.

I think it’s in a larger context of being fed up that OP constantly doesn’t put her things away or a mess is left behind (taking a bath and leaving dirty clothes on the floor that are still there over an hour later). Messy people always claim they were going to get to the mess they made themselves when you gently bring their attention to it or tidy it for them.

It is his bed too btw, and if he wanted to use the bed or make it, he’d have to pick up her hairbrush and put it away first.

Teenagers are masters at this btw.

so why not do just that - put it away. its the constant having to make remarks about living up to someone elses standards that makes me a little miserable. It's even things like if i want fast food during the week, he will say "ohhh should we really do that, we last had it 6 days ago" it takes the fun out of it and then i just feel like a horrible fat pig for eating the food i want. i think he has good intentions, its just, mundane.
he would put kids to bed at 7pm - he says people shouldnt really even have birthdays once they have kids (because my sister in law went out for a meal with my brother and left the kid at home on a monday night)
it just seems a bit like an army base. im not sure what to do, cuz he would be a great dad with lots of stability. i guess i feel like i cant be myself, even my day to day choices of where to shop are questioned.

7 is a pretty standard British bedtime for young kids.

this, i feel like he does it for himself because he likes these things, which is great, but i dont need the comments and to feel bad because im not 'up there' with energy levels. i wake up at 8.45 and he says ive slept in? there isnt much affection and it is starting to feel like dad/child. i suppose i did used to take up a lot earlier, and he says he misses that version of me...

Actually the more you post the more I am understanding your husbands position. Why should he have to tidy away your mess?

I understand you on some level OP, I met my husband when I was 24 and he was 41, so he was leaps and bounds ahead of me in the smooth running of a house! My H occasionally nitpicks at stuff too, but I have learnt what he likes and doesn't like now, but it did make me feel really bad about myself when we first got together, almost like he was my father and I was a stupid kid!
However, I think there's more to this. Sound like your husband has to be in control of everything, It's clearly impacting on your self-esteen which isn't healthy. I don't believe you are useless at all, I think it's him who has the problem, which he needs to acknowledge. I'm not suprised you feel that you can't live like this forever.

A great dad isn't a miserable controlling, nitpicking arse hole.

He's making you anxious and miserable, how would a child feel being raised with this BS?