Husband more domesticated than me and its making me feel useless and unhappy

[dublinderby34]

Has anyone been with a man that is very domesticated? I know some people would wish for this, and don't get me wrong having a clean house every day is GREAT. but, it comes at a cost. I have had relationship in the past were my partner worked and he would come home and I quite enjoy making a dinner for him, wondering what to make, totally having the decision up to me etc. My partner now is very nit picky, to the point where I don't actually feel good enough or that i bring any value to the house. He (jokingly) will make jokes like "did you vacuum properly this time?" or, "make sure to wash the clothes before bed so they are dry before the morning" etc. This has taken away my thought process so I have actually become lazy. I don't need to think of dinner, I don't really need to clean, I don't think to plan the food shop as he writes the list, I work daily but I find my spark of being the feminine me is a little lost.

Other examples:
I will make the bed, and he will come in from work and re-make it
.
I will come out the bath and leave my clothes on the floor (until I am dressed - maybe an hour later ill tidy up etc) and he will come up and ask why my bra is on the floor

I left a brush on the bed after drying my hair so he came in and put it on my desk next to me while i worked

I walked across the wet grass in the garden (with shoes on) and the cats followed me but walked around on the pavement and he comments 'even the cats are cleaner than you'

I know he is a good person (he is) and would do anything for me in the world, but these constant digs and feeling like I aren't providing and looking after the family how i want to, are making me unhappy. I know I shouldn't value my worth on providing, and doing domesticated things/feeling needed around the house, but that might just be how im wired. I like looking after people/things. he obviously does too, and it takes that away from me. I feel ungrateful to be complaining about this, but i feel really stuck. I see me having kids and not having to do anything, which is amazing i know but i also obviously need to feel.....needed.

@LoremIpsumCici no, it's how he deals with it that makes him an abusive arsehole 🤷‍♀️

I also think (and I suspect this will be quite unpopular) that there are a lot of controlling women on here who think there way is the only way and who are unnecessarily critical and petty of their partners.

I'm fully prepared to be shot down for that though 😂

@ThatWarmJadeSeal why would you "have to redo everything they did?" - OP is talking about leaving a hairbrush on a bed, not leaving a load of filthy pants on the floor 😂

She actually did mention leaving undies on the floor. He feels he has to redo the bed etc. Vacuuming. OP feels like he should just do it behind her with no comment and/or should be allowed to be messy in their joint home.

i just dont want to feel like i live in a show home. i appreciate its always clean, but even when i try to do something its put down, it makes me give up on trying. i dont get satisfaction from cleaning which i used to do when lived alone

Yeah I have one like this. No advice but it drives me crazy too . I try to stand firm and point out the rudeness - I am a grown adult and capable. Somethings I've stopped doing for him due to the nit picking.

I also suspect I am neurodivergent and he is too. We are the worst combination 😂

It's a basic incompatibility. I'm a professional cleaner. My partner is not but it relatively tidy. When we have a discord like that, we go with what is best. It's best that we have a clean(er) house so he makes a big effort when it comes to doing things to my standard.

I can see he makes a big effort, for instance, he vacuums the carpet in two directions which he never did before. So that makes it easier when I have to sometimes go over his attempts.

@ThatWarmJadeSeal fair enough, I missed that bit - but there are ways to deal with it that don't involve being a passive aggressive wanker 🤷‍♀️

the hairbrush is not the problem- the problem is that he is so intolerant of so called mess that he has to passively aggressively put in on her desk. He has assigned himself the role of deciding how they live their lives. Thus making her miserable. As with everything in a partnership there needs to be to compromise and understanding that other people are different. The way he speaks to her is awful- the cats are cleaner than her because she walked on some grass?? The dogs aren’t allowed on the beach? Living your life with tidiness being the top priority instead of enjoyment is pathological.

What do you tell women to do who have similar complaints about their husbands? What do you say about the husband?

Don’t you know the mumsnet rule

messy man/tidy woman. Man is an arsehole and probably abusive, tell him to tidy up or dump him

messy woman/tidy man. Man is an arsehole and probably abusive. Tell him to relax or dump him

The examples given do not indicate any pathology of intolerance to any mess whatsoever imho. It’s not a big ask to put your dirty clothes in the hamper when taking a bath or put your hairbrush on a dresser instead of the bed, or to put down a blanket in the boot and then wash the dogs paws if you go to the beach.

Yes, he says passive aggressive mean things to OP, but so does every woman ever that is sick and tired of cleaning up after men or teenagers. It gets old really quickly when someone isn’t picking up after themselves and not cleaming up messes they create.

This is a reverse of this classic
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Key bit, but gender swapped and tailored for OP.
The hairbrush is a 4 second thing just like the glass in the dishwasher…

I don’t have to understand WHY he cares so much about that stupid hairbrush.
I just have to understand and respect that he DOES
Then, caring about him = putting hairbrush on the dresser (putting the glass in the dishwasher.)
Caring about him = keeping your laundry off the floor.
Caring about him= thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor he worked hard to clean.
Caring about him= “Hey babe. Is there anything I can do today or pick up on my way home that will make your day better?”
Caring about him= a million little things that say “I love you” more than speaking the words ever can.

I get both sides. Do you know how infuriating it is to clean and tidy all the time and then someone just comes in and dumps something in the middle of the room 🤯 he could talk to you about it in a nicer way though

He's got OCD and it rules his life.
🙁
It takes one to know one.
People like us are happier (allegedly) single, no children and no pets.
It's not you.

I don’t have to understand WHY he cares so much about that stupid hairbrush. I just have to understand and respect that he DOES. Then, caring about him = putting hairbrush on the dresser

Why is it all on the OP to be compliant and understanding? Why can't he understand that she doesn't want to live in a show home and wants to be able to leave her hairbrush on the bed or a glass by the sink without being reprimanded like a naughty child?

You go on about how she should show she cares by being neat and tidy but there's no an acknowledgment that relationships work both ways!

Wouldn't your life be so much better if you didn't live together, have a relationship with him but live apart. I never lived with a partner for this reason, I like to do what I want in my own space.

To the point about the 'undies' on the floor - this isn't usually a pair of dirty undies, its maybe a pair of trousers that i removed (IN MY BATHROOM) he has his own bathroom in the en-suite. So he will go into my bathroom and comment. It doesn't bother him, it isn't in his way etc.

I think this is just a case of different standards, his mums house is a show home and she has distilled this into him. The problem is, i can't really be myself and i feel like i am losing myself, i flourish when i feel like im doing a good job, and i consistently feel like im not.

let me phrase it like this - if at work you kept being told that you wasnt doing a good job, or that your colleague/or boss done it better themself, would you keep on trying or would you feel deflated every day?

Being criticised a lot is the one reason I genuinely considered leaving my husband. It is so insidious, it undermines your sense of yourself, it's tiring, it makes interactions negative. See John Gottman's work on successful and unsuccessful marriages.

Some people might be happy to go along with his critical ways, some people might like him tidying up endlessly. I am not interested in cleaning or in being bossed about, happy to have a cleaner and a medium clean home, so he would not suit me at all.

I think he may struggle with children as children are not robots and don't do all the things you tell them.

In the end I kind of sarcastically joked my way out of my husband's criticisms. He wasn't even tidy, he just liked telling me the right way to do things! I used to say 'thank you for telling me how to [insert task here], I don't know how I survived 32 years of life on my own, my life must have been horrific- oh no it wasn't, I managed just fine' coupled with a hard stare. Very mean and not at all the way you are probably supposed to communicate which was more like 'John, when you tell me how to stack the dishwasher, I feel like you don't trust me to do it' (which is ridiculous as he'll just say he doesn't!)

Just point out to him that his critical nature is eating away at your love for him. The odd remark, fine. Non-stop rules and tutting and redoing things to make a point. Nope.

he just naturally puts people down because maybe he thinks highly of himself. I’ve heard him do it at work

so, um, there is all you need to know.

He is NOT a nice person. He is controlling, hypercritical, possibly OCD and egotistical (narcissistic).

And I think he enjoys making you feel small. This will not change without a personality change or extensive therapy on his part. The red flags, as they say on MN, are mounting fast. I’d walk away from this one while you still can.

Please don't have kids with this man - it'll end up all of you walking on eggshells around him and living a shitty, stressful life.

so the last two i do, easily, because they are thoughtful and verbal things.
to all your points above, i think you dont see the problem.
so just because my standards of cleanliness isnt as high as his, now means i dont care bout him?
i have made vast improvements on how i used to live, i try everyday to put things away, to do this, to do that, but im not and never will be 100% clean, that shouldnt be interpretated as i dont care, OR it shouldn't be made to feel like you aren't good enough because it isnt how they want it. IMO

That is beyond petty - he’s not your mother!