Husband more domesticated than me and its making me feel useless and unhappy

[dublinderby34]

Has anyone been with a man that is very domesticated? I know some people would wish for this, and don't get me wrong having a clean house every day is GREAT. but, it comes at a cost. I have had relationship in the past were my partner worked and he would come home and I quite enjoy making a dinner for him, wondering what to make, totally having the decision up to me etc. My partner now is very nit picky, to the point where I don't actually feel good enough or that i bring any value to the house. He (jokingly) will make jokes like "did you vacuum properly this time?" or, "make sure to wash the clothes before bed so they are dry before the morning" etc. This has taken away my thought process so I have actually become lazy. I don't need to think of dinner, I don't really need to clean, I don't think to plan the food shop as he writes the list, I work daily but I find my spark of being the feminine me is a little lost.

Other examples:
I will make the bed, and he will come in from work and re-make it
.
I will come out the bath and leave my clothes on the floor (until I am dressed - maybe an hour later ill tidy up etc) and he will come up and ask why my bra is on the floor

I left a brush on the bed after drying my hair so he came in and put it on my desk next to me while i worked

I walked across the wet grass in the garden (with shoes on) and the cats followed me but walked around on the pavement and he comments 'even the cats are cleaner than you'

I know he is a good person (he is) and would do anything for me in the world, but these constant digs and feeling like I aren't providing and looking after the family how i want to, are making me unhappy. I know I shouldn't value my worth on providing, and doing domesticated things/feeling needed around the house, but that might just be how im wired. I like looking after people/things. he obviously does too, and it takes that away from me. I feel ungrateful to be complaining about this, but i feel really stuck. I see me having kids and not having to do anything, which is amazing i know but i also obviously need to feel.....needed.

I totally understand and my advice would be to leave now. It’s so damaging to live with someone like this. You only get one life.

Good luck.

You don't take your dogs to the beach in case of sand. What will he do, collect all the sand in the car and place it on your desk?

This is fucking crackers. He is destroying you one grain of sand at a time.

This thread made me laugh. The OP's experience is basically mine, but if I posted on MN I don't think I'd be told my wife was being unpleasant, pass-ag, etc for being neater and more organised than me.

Yep. Married 35 years. Husband does all the cleaning, most of the washing and washing up. We rarely iron but he does that too. I do the majority of the cooking. Oh, he does the garden.

He can't sit still! I'm always doing it wrong, so don't bother! He doesn't moan about it though. I think he likes doing stuff.

I did more of the routine stuff with the kids before they left and now care for my Dad. He helps socially but I do all the personal care.

Just navigate your way! It's great ti not have to do this mundane stuff. I don't care!

He's a dick! But let him tidy, just brainwash him back with your version of life- don't let him tell you his way is THE way. With all his nasty jibes just get a list of your own jibes and put downs to throw back at him and rebalance things. Eg: I'll never be as a good a cleaner as you darling, but I focus on the important things in life (aka the children, friendships, being calm and relaxed, enjoying life etc etc). My DH is just like this but I grew up in a messy happy household so resisted the put downs from the beginning! Call him neurotic, roll your eyes and say very good darling, or fantastic cleaning today have you actually spent any quality time with your children? Etc. I'm loving the clean floors love but will they be tucking you in at night when you're old and decrepit or will it be your children who you're neglecting while you're cleaning etc.
Obvs as well as being actually grateful he's taking this burden off you - you'll still have all the mom/work/family/life mental load that can make you feel "feminine" if that's what you're worried about. Just own the "I'm a terrible housewife" thing and be done with it, let him have it!! I do remind him all the time that I'm also just fine at housework by most standards I'm just not obsessive about it!

Please, please, please do not have children with this man. He would blight their childhood with his controlling behaviour.

Its time to have a frank conversation about the effects his behaviour is having on you and how you feel about him. However, I really think his behaviour is so deep rooted that it will take a professional to unravel it and only if he’s willing to.

Im sure he has many great qualities and I wouldn’t dismiss them out of hand but these particular behaviours will overshadow them because his need to control will suffocate you on so many fronts.

You need to decide decide if your mh and the mh of future children is the price you’re willing to pay to stay with someone who probably won’t evolve because his ego won’t let him. You need to look at what you want your future to look like and be honest enough with yourself to determine if this man is capable of being the man you want him to be.

His issues aren’t about housework, it’s about his need to control and that won’t stop at bloody housework.

OP, you’ve described my relationship to a T. I also have ADHD, I’ve gotten pretty good at running a clean house over the years, but it’s still not acceptable to my partner, who is a lot like yours.

When you have kids, it will be utterly miserable. You will feel constantly frustrated by how constrained your kid’s childhoods are. You will feel sorry for them and so, so guilty.

As a starting point, I’d suggest counselling with a therapist who understands ADHD. Women with ADHD are much, much more likely to be in abusive relationships. I know I was subconsciously attracted to controlling men until I got my own neuro diversity under control. Think very, very hard about staying with this man - he’ll break you. I know from experience.

I am in the process of separating from my partner and already feel lighter, freer and happier, despite being a single mum to a small child. I really wish I’d had more insight into myself and how living with an ADHD has caused me to feel like I deserve to be treated like this.

One more thing - he will leave you with the lions share of the childcare. This is because he is ‘forced’ to do all the housework. Being responsible for a child takes way more energy than being responsible for a house. Just don’t do it.

My dad was like that growing up; he’s mellowed down since but still is a bit like that. My mum is very chilled so she leaves him be. She often jokes she doesn’t need to do anything as it’s all done for her.

I am a bit like that so I’m very conscious when I do it to my hubs but trust me, sometimes I cannot help it - it’s a disease (I think borderline OCD)..

My hubs is also very chilled and I suspect he thinks if he doesn’t do it my way then he gets away with not doing it😅I tidied his bloody messy wires last night!

Have you tried talking to him to let him know how that makes you feel? He may not be aware of it.

He's not domesticated he's controlling.

My dh is domesticated and it's great, but he's never think of remaking a bed or telling me what to do. We're both grown adults and treat each other accordingly and with respect.

The 'he's got ocd' is bollocks. OCD is a mental health condition, it's not a case of wanting things to be done a certain way, that's just a personality trait. I hate when people roll out the OCD card to justify their behaviour.

Agree with this. My stb ex likely has OCD. It’s so much more than being controlling around cleaning. Like you say, it’s a genuine mental health disorder that brings with it all types of unwanted things, like total decision paralysis, fixations and obsessions on irrelevant random things, compulsively ruminating to an extreme level, constant intrusive thoughts etc.

This guy doesn’t sound like he’s dealing with all of that. He just sounds rigid, selfish and controlling. Even if he was dealing with OCD, it’s on him to get the help he needs so that he’s not taking it out on the people around him.

Me too

There is a difference between doing the housework because you want to and weaponising this to criticise someone else ... viz hairbrush/cat incidents .... that is just deeply unpleasant and totally unnecessary.

My late OH was a neat freak ... our mess thresholds were very different, but we simply accepted each other as we were. I did not feel I had lost my role as you seem to .. . I did not see it as my role to lose.

The only time I freaked out was when I set out all the ingredients and equipment to make a cake, nipped to the loo, only to come back and find it had all been tidied away!!

Your OH is using this as a way of undermining you .... not acceptable. If he wants to discuss it with you and try and find a middle way, that is fine. What he is doing is not fine. He is assuming his way is the right way.

You’re not a good match, and absolutely you shouldn’t have children with him. I wouldn’t go so far as to disparage him the way others have tho, as I’d find traits you’ve mentioned about yourself very annoying. You’re just not compatible.

Sorry it's not about the cleaning. He is controlling and this will get worse over time.

If he's a great person ,you should be able to talk to him about how you feel and he would stop making you feel rubbish,regardless of whether he does the tasks or not. I do think since we've shared more household stuff with men, it gives some men more opportunities to control and dictate and some woman little say in any areas of their lives.

yep 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Yes. He’s not ‘domesticated’, he’s chosen housework as his domain for being a pain in the ass.

It’s upsetting you because you’re living with someone who’s continually finding fault, not because your ‘feminine me’ is suffocated by not dashing around in an apron.

If a man didn't do things properly and his wife had to redo things, then most people here would say he is lazy and useless.

You don't have kids together. Absolutely, 100% do NOT bring children into this relationship. Cannot train children like you can dogs. He will be a controlling father who makes everyone feel like they're walking on eggshells. That is a horrible situation to grow up.
If you do want children leave him. If you already have children leave him.
I have ADHD and DH is pretty tidy, he does find it annoying that I leave a trail behind me, but never makes snide comments or nitpicks. He will sometimes make a joke out of it, but it is in a loving way.

He sounds quite controlling. Does he have any childhood trauma? I don’t like that he makes digs at you - it sounds unkind. Someone who likes to keep the upper hand at all times - but - and I say that in the kindest way: you sound like you enjoy taking a backseat and your cleanliness or tidiness standards seem lacking. Like PP said, if my live-in partner left their clothes lying around or won’t pull their weight in equal measures then I’d be having words as well.

Is this really the childhood you want for your children?!

You are unhappy and feel useless… it would be cruel to bring children into the situation to have them feel like this too.

This is not OCD. It’s controlling and narcissistic.

It's controlling to have set bedtimes like most parents. Stop your kid bouncing a ball in the dining room at 3am and not allow your dogs to run freely all over your house?

We have a guardian breed and part of training them is not allowing them to believe the whole house is theirs (to guard). For that reason, they're also not allowed in the kid's rooms or on the sofa without explicit invitation. It's avoids problems and sets boundaries.

Please do not have kids with this man...if even the dogs aren't allowed to enjoy the beach because of the sand, can you imagine what having to live "his way" would do to children?

As it sounds like you've been living like this for a long while, I think it's ultimatum time - "I think you need some help with this, and you either get it or we're done" type of ultimatum. You have already adjusted who you are to try and fit round him - whether his behaviour is controlling or something that needs medical help - and it's time that stopped.

He (jokingly) will make jokes like "did you vacuum properly this time?"

This is nothing to do with a 'partner' who is capable of doing a good job of domestic chores and everything to do with him not being a decent human being.

What are you thinking of, sharing your life with a man like this. Give your head a wobble and get yourself free?

However difficult it might seem now, however you think he is just 'misunderstood'. Make a promise to your future self, now, while you still have capacity to see what this relationship is doing to you, before it grinds you down completely.

Promise yourself your life will be better and get rid of him right now. The only way is up from living with someone alike thus.